ELEMENTARY, MY DEAR SHERLOCK…
(A Farce in One Act)
Author: Benjamin
Gavarre
Contact: bengavarre@gmail.com
License: Shared
under Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0
International (CC BY-NC-ND 4.0)
SYNOPSIS
In the
middle of 1974’s psychedelic chaos, an anachronistic Sherlock Holmes and his
rigid colleague, Dr. Watson, attempt to solve an unprecedented mystery: a
cynical Runaway Nose mocking them from the window. Surrounded by fingerprint
powder, a lava lamp, uncomfortable visits to Queen Elizabeth, and
"medicinal" brownies from Oaxaca brought by their Mexican neighbor
Lupita, the detectives find themselves swept up in a delirious journey of
absurd deductions involving anagrams, backaches, and Agent 007 himself. A
fast-paced comic farce that breaks the fourth wall to make the audience an
accomplice in a hilarious mystery.
CHARACTERS
- SHERLOCK HOLMES: Iconic
detective. Thanks to an extraordinary phenomenon that no one understands
(not even himself), he inhabits a present day set in 1974. He wears
traditional Victorian attire—completely anachronistic for the era—but
retains all the classic Conan Doyle traits: dramatic, egiac, suspicious,
astute, brilliant, and flawed (melancholic, prone to vices, with a deeply
English sense of dark, dry irony).
- DR. JOHN WATSON: Rigorous,
Victorian, and rigid, though slightly more open to change than his
19th-century counterpart.
- LUPITA: The Mexican
neighbor. Practical, cheerful, mischievous, and perhaps the true intuitive
detective of Baker Street.
SETTING
221B
Baker Street in peak 1974. An eclectic blend of a Victorian study and the
psychedelic era:
- An abstract painting in the style of Joan
Miró’s The Gold of the Azure (or a piece depicting
Holmes's bizarre hobbies).
- A lava lamp alongside chemical flasks and an
indescribable home laboratory.
- A large window with wide curtains allowing a
view onto the street.
SINGLE ACT
(The scene opens in
pure slapstick physical comedy. HOLMES runs around the room throwing
fingerprint powder everywhere. He dusts the furniture, the teacup, and WATSON’s
face. WATSON coughs uncontrollably).
HOLMES
(Shouting with
euphoria)
1970s
science, Watson! It’s a futuristic marvel! Fingerprints! I’ve dusted down to
the soles of my own shoes!
WATSON
(Coughing, wiping
black chemical reagent off his face)
For
God’s sake, Holmes, you’ve left my mustache looking like a chimney sweep! I
bring the Scotland Yard report on the fingerprints found at the crime scene.
HOLMES
(Striking a clumsy
Karate pose)
Out with
it! Is it the Viscount? The snuff manufacturer?
WATSON
(Reviewing the
document, horrified)
They're...
they're my prints, Holmes! I am my own suspect!
(HOLMES is so stunned
that he trips over the lava lamp, bounces off the armchair, and lands flat on
his back across the coffee table).
HOLMES
(From the floor)
Incredible!
Your criminal subconscious has awakened!
WATSON
My
magnifying glass slipped! Besides, this is complete nonsense! Let’s analyze the
fugitive’s behavior. How is it possible for a nose to buy a bottle of London’s
most exclusive perfume? A runaway nose would never step foot inside a
perfumery, Holmes! The olfactory shock would put it in a coma!
HOLMES
(Leaping to his feet)
Precisely,
my dear Watson! If I were a nose on the run, I would avoid fine perfume shops
at all costs... and especially bakeries with freshly baked bread! The aroma of
warm brioche would distract it and facilitate its capture! Yet yesterday, it
was spotted sipping chamomile tea with a marquess at Harrods and trying on hats
on Regent Street.
WATSON
(Breaking the fourth
wall: pointing directly at a female audience member in the third row)
Holmes!
Look! There it is! That lady in the third row! Her nose is fake; it’s our
runaway nose! We must catch her!
HOLMES
(Takes his magnifying
glass, peers closely at the audience member, and slaps WATSON’s arm)
Don't be
a fool, Watson! That is a masculine nose; it’s obvious that respectable lady
simply possesses a... prominent nose. Learn to deduce!
(A knock on the door.
LUPITA enters holding a steaming tray of brownies).
LUPITA
Good
morning, vecinitos! I brought you your "medicinal" brownies from
Oaxaca, fresh out of the oven. Hey... what are you talking about?
WATSON
A
runaway nose, Lupita!
LUPITA
That one
walking past the window right now with a top hat and a cane?
(HOLMES and WATSON
spin violently toward the window. The giant silhouette of a nose is seen
crossing the street. HOLMES tries to run, trips on the rug, and takes WATSON
down with him. Both crash loudly onto the coffee table; brownies fly
everywhere).
WATSON
(On the floor, trying
to get up, a whole brownie stuffed in his mouth)
Mmpf...
mmph!
HOLMES
(Sprawled over WATSON,
eating another brownie)
Swallow,
Watson, swallow without fear. Don't choke on the material evidence of the
case...
(Three seconds of
absolute silence pass. The medicinal brownie effect kicks in all at once. Their
pupils dilate desproportionately; they stare into each other's eyes and burst
into an uncontrollable, hysterical, contagious laughter. They roll and writhe all
over the rug).
WATSON
(Dying of laughter,
breaking the fourth wall by pointing at a gentleman in the front row between
spasms)
HAHAHAHA!
Holmes! Look at the gentleman in the front row! The runaway nose crawled inside
his own nose to camouflage itself! It’s a genius of disguise! HAHAHAHA!
HOLMES
(Rolling on the floor,
clutching a table leg tightly)
HAHAHAHA!
Leave the poor little Englishman alone, Watson! All of London is a bad joke!
Old, damp, and smells of Victorian urine! Buckingham Palace reeks of rancid
cheese, and the English don't know what soap is!
WATSON
(Choking with
laughter, trying to compose himself)
I say,
Holmes! That’s the foul reputation the French made up about us!
HOLMES
(Staggering to his
feet, dramatic, on the verge of tears between laughter and indignation)
No,
Watson! Yesterday I went to Buckingham to offer my scientific services, and the
entire court laughed in my face! I had an audience with Queen Elizabeth and
Prince Charles!
LUPITA
(Sitting down casually
to eat a brownie, interrupting)
And did
they offer you tea, or did they just give you the side-eye?
HOLMES
(Gesticulating
indignantly with his pipe)
Worse,
Lupita! Charles yelled at me: "Who on earth dares to
dress like that in 1974? What atrocious taste! And as the pinnacle of fashion
and sophistication, I simply cannot stand it!"... And I, faced
with such an offensive reception, replied: "I am Sherlock
Holmes!"
WATSON
(Convulsing in
laughter, lying flat on his back)
And what
happened? Did they lock you in the Tower of London?!
HOLMES
They
thought I was insane! They told me I must be a leftover vampire like Dracula,
or a deranged descendant of Arthur Conan Doyle or one of his crazy relatives!
They
don't know who they're dealing with. If that wicked Nose dares to steal the
Crown Jewels or Charles's designer wallet, let them find someone else to solve
the crime... I am seriously considering leaving. I don't know... to Washington,
to Dallas... to Oaxaca, to Mérida... What do you say, Lupita, shall we go to
Oaxaca?
LUPITA
(Smiling)
Of
course! Let's go! My grandmother will happily set you up on a bunk bed that
even has a mosquito net.
HOLMES
(Diplomatically
sidestepping the offer)
Ehhh. I
know: How about New York... And we solve crimes like the Kennedy
assassination... We're going to the United States, Watson, Lupita! Over there
in Texas or Dallas, we can solve cases using magic brownies, and well, Tijuana
is right around the corner! They say it's the most fun place on Earth... Come
on, Watson, come on, Lupita. We must leave these chubby-cheeked Englishmen
behind.
WATSON
(Clumsily trying to
adjust his tie)
Be fair, Holmes! The
English are rather pale and scrawny... And there have been great advances in
the field of... detectivistry!
HOLMES
(Very British, raising
an eyebrow with utter disdain)
"Detectivistry"?
Is that even a word, Watson, or have the brownies completely dismantled your
vocabulary?
WATSON
Naturally it's a
word!... For instance: Scotland Yard has made huge strides. They now have
shortwave radios and a new Director General. A man of firm hand... Sir... Sir
Harold Lestrade!
HOLMES
(Stopping dead in his
tracks, horrified)
Lestrade!...
Lestrade?! The grandson of that miserable dynasty of
rodents?! He must be the grandson or great-grandson of the original
Ferret-Lestrade! Ah, how I made that incompetent man suffer!
WATSON
They say
he bought a giant vacuum-tube computer for the British Museum! I don't think he
resembles his grandfather that much... Or his great-grandfather... Or his...
LUPITA
(Alarmed)
The
nose! The runaway nose! It stuck its tongue out at me!
(The curtain moves
from the draft left by the nose opening the window. The silhouette of the
RUNAWAY NOSE reappears in the frame. It pulls out a tiny handkerchief, sneezes
loudly against the glass—"ACHOO!"—makes a mocking gesture at HOLMES,
and vanishes quickly).
HOLMES
(Surprised, indignant,
furious, pointing angrily at the window)
Have you
ever seen such a thing, Watson?! You are to blame for it coming all the way
here! You shouldn't have touched that nose with your clumsy fingers... You
shouldn't have left your chubby prints! Is the new Lestrade's computer doing
anything about it? Do they even know there's a criminal nose lurking on Baker
Street? Do they know that one of history's greatest detectives is in danger?...
Nooo, they don't know, Watson!
They don't know!
WATSON
(Letting one more of
his friend's many historical tantrums pass... Staring intently at the lava lamp
as floating shapes drift by)
Well...
I still think we should give them the benefit of the doubt... New generations
can surprise us...
HOLMES
It's a
disgrace! If the Runaway Nose walked into the police station with a sign saying
"I am the culprit! I stole the Prime Minister's wallet!",
Lestrade would arrest it for not carrying an official government handkerchief!
And not for the robbery!
(The RUNAWAY NOSE
leaps onto the window frame once more, performs an impossible stunt, shows
Holmes the wallet, and then sticks out a tiny red tongue at the audience,
making a mocking sound: "Pffffff!").
WATSON
(Terrified, pointing
at the window)
Holmes!
It just stuck its tongue out at us! And it showed us... the wallet... What
nerve!
LUPITA
(Dying of laughter)
Ah, I
can't with this... Do noses actually have mouths?
HOLMES AND WATSON
(Turning
simultaneously toward LUPITA, speaking with absolute seriousness)
Ah, of
course, Lupita! That particular nose is an unscrupulous thief, and it has a
very foul mouth! It is utterly rude!
LUPITA
(Laughing out loud)
What
crazy ideas! I don't know any rude noses.
HOLMES
You'd be
surprised.
LUPITA
What I do know, Mr. Holmes, is that a very elegant and smiling
gentleman came to your house.
HOLMES
Elegant,
you say?
LUPITA
Very!
And very handsome, gorgeous, manly, sexy...
WATSON
And did
the man say anything, Lupita... Did he say anything to you?
LUPITA
I was
sweeping my doorway while you two were doing somersaults on the rug, and well,
the handsome man greeted me with a kiss on the hand... and told me his name...
He had a very warm, big, kind hand... His back was hurting.
HOLMES
Did he
open his mouth? Did he say anything... and if he did, do you remember it?
Because you were clearly fascinated... His back hurt... A lot?
LUPITA
(Daydreaming)
Yes...
yes... (Shakes herself out of the intense daydream) Yesbo...
that's what he told me... that's his name... He said he came to ask for advice
regarding a grave matter of State related to a criminal nose.
HOLMES
(Narrowing his eyes)
Yesbo!
That's a West Indian name! From Jamaica, no doubt. I once...
LUPITA
(Interrupts him)
"Yesbo".
He was wearing a very elegant tuxedo, but he was quite upset... from the back
pain. Since you two were indisposed chatting with the lava lamp, I applied my
grandmother's remedy with Vaporub and arnica salve, and bam!, I popped his vertebrae back into place. He left
me his card.
HOLMES
(Snatches the card
dramatically. Examines it with the magnifying glass upside down, tosses it in
the air, and strikes a victorious pose)
AHA! My
brain deduced it! No "Yesbo"! No mysterious man from the West
Indies... "Yesbo"! It was a childish anagram! It is none other...
than Bond! James Bond! 007! Yesbo is James Bond... I am a genius!
(HOLMES poses
triumphantly toward the audience as if facing an international press
conference. WATSON, hearing the name, loses his balance from the brownie and
falls off the armchair again, laughing hysterically. LUPITA breaks the fourth
wall, winks playfully at the audience, and offers the tray of brownies directly
to the front row. The NOSE peeks through the window one last time, cracking up
with laughter).
CURTAIN
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