WHAT THE AXOLOTL SUSPeCTED

 

 

 

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What the Axolotl Suspected

 

by GAVARRE BENJAMIN

® BENJAMÍN GAVARRE SILVA

bengavarre@gmail.com / gavarreunam@gmail.com

Synopsis

On the most eccentric penthouse rooftop in the city, Don Gregory desperately tries to marry off his daughters to escape financial ruin, while his wife enjoys the high life (and expensive spiritual massages), blowing her own fortune. Between a high-end designer cactus sculpture, a trust-fund "bro" with ghost corporations, and a ruggedly authentic Texas rancher, the only one who seems to grasp the sheer absurdity of the situation is Barnaby: an axolotl living in a designer puppet-tank. A biting comedy about appearances, old money vs. new money, and masculinities in crisis.

 

Characters

• Don Gregory: Master of his own dwindling savings. Stressed about depending on his wife's fortune; he wears a tuxedo that lost a pocket, which he crudely sewed back on. He wants to marry off his daughters to siphon some cash.
• Eleanor: Owner of the penthouse, holder of various stock portfolios, and liver of a "joyful" inner life. She walks in a voluptuous, head-turning manner, wears high heels, and is extremely dressed up as if attending a royal wedding. She goes to Hamptons retreats for massages with young therapists while her husband remains clueless.
• Tiffany: An influencer annoyed with life, but with a good heart deep down.
• Chloe (The "Intense One"): Biology major at NYU, ultra-vegan, and protector of Barnaby the axolotl.
• Julian: A trust-fund heir with a mansion but zero cash, living off his reputation and the kindness of his friends. An amateur ventriloquist.
• Tex: A ruggedly handsome cowboy from the Texas Hill Country. Wealthy, sharp in business, though Chloe catches his eye.
• Barnaby the Axolotl: A charming rod puppet operated from a comfortable, hidden puppet theater setup behind the tank.
• The Puppeteer: Dressed in black, completely hidden behind the puppet theater until the final scene.

Single Scene

Setting: On the rooftop terrace of an exclusive city penthouse.

(Minimalist designer garden furniture in elegant terracota and slate-grey tones, highly comfortable and sophisticated, with organic-textured beanbags usable by the actors. City skyline view. In the center, an incredibly expensive sculpture belonging to Eleanor: a six-foot-tall, mute designer cactus with stubby arms and barely suggested features, looking subtly phallic. To one side, an aquarium set up as a puppet theater with a background of painted blue waves, where Barnaby, the cute axolotl puppet, resides. The puppeteer is comfortably hidden behind it. Barnaby wiggles his strange little legs, peeking out as if he’s about to climb out of the tank. Don Gregory is frantically checking his iPad. Tiffany is taking a selfie next to the cactus with a doubtful face. Chloe is crouching in front of the puppet tank).

Don Gregory:Don't take selfies with that sculpture, or at least don't post them... I don't know if I even like it, it looks way too much like a... It’s like a giant... If you take it, just don't post it.

Tiffany:But Dad, they paid millions for your sculpture. Next to it, I look intellectual yet iconic. The "weird" vibe gets engagement, I swear. Besides, it looks like one of those novelty desert cactus toys that repeats whatever you say, just giant-sized.

Julian:(Imitating a comical, robotic cactus voice) "Hi, I'm a giant cactus shaped like a dork! Uh, I don't know how it feels because I'm green, tall, and overpriced, so don't touch me!"

Chloe:(To her axolotl) Did you see that, Barnaby? Around here, the important thing isn't that they have a phallic sculpture, but that they paid millions for it and nobody understands it. I wish I were a gentleman axolotl like you... I wish I were a fish with little legs.

Don Gregory:Chloe! Stop talking to that... alien tadpole! One bad day you're going to turn into an axolotl and he'll turn into you...

Tiffany:(Heavy joke) And nobody would even notice. Glub, glub... Or what sound do axolotls even make?

Chloe:Fortunately, they are mute, dear sister.

Don Gregory:Enough fighting. Chloe, Julian and Tex are coming over today. Behave. And please, if they ask where you study, say it's Columbia or Columbia Business School. Do not mention NYU. Nobody cares about that hippie campus downtown.

Eleanor:(Shouting from off-stage) I'm here! I can tell you're talking about me.

Don Gregory:(Shouting back) We're talking about axolotls and the university for hipsters!

Chloe:You wish. You did a weekend seminar at the "University of Couch Potatoes"... And for your information... Barnaby is an Ambystoma mexicanum. In Aztec times, he was the God Xolotl. If you cut off one of his limbs, he regenerates it in two weeks.

Tiffany:Ugh, so intense... How intense! If you keep talking about ancient gods, next you'll be defending street food trucks... How unrefined. By the way, Dad, I hope Tex doesn't show up wearing that ridiculous rhinestone cowboy shirt again.

Don Gregory:Behave, daughter, we are going to milk Tex dry...

Tiffany:You don't even keep up appearances anymore, Daddy... It's called extortion.

Don Gregory:I said... flatter... don't put mistakes in my mouth. Did I say it or did I not say it, Chloe?

Chloe:What can I say, you're a cynic... (Shouting) Mom! You married a shameless old man!

(Eleanor enters. She walks in a voluptuous, highly theatrical manner, rocking high heels and an extravagant outfit as if she were attending a high-society wedding. Everyone stops and stares at her in absolute silence as she glides across the rooftop).

Chloe:Another one beyond repair.

Tiffany:What I don't understand is why the hell those two are coming, Dad... You're not matchmaking again... are you?

Don Gregory:This Tex guy is like the old-school oil barons... but young. He's rugged and handsome, but a bit more tan and rustic than Julian.

Chloe:And Julian is your neighbor, right Tiffany?

Tiffany:(To Chloe) Yours. He was your impossible childhood crush, remember...

Don Gregory:He doesn't have a dime to his name, but he inherited a historic brownstone, that still counts in real estate.

(The doorbell rings. Enter Julian, wearing loafers without socks and a fitted jacket, and Tex, wearing an elegant Western shirt, tight jeans, and a silver bolo tie).

Julian:Family, what a pleasure! Don Gregory, always so distinguished. Tiffany, spectacular. I follow you daily on Insta... I don't "like" your posts so as not to overwhelm your feed, but in my heart, you are trending.

Tiffany:(Fake) Adorable, Julian... I don't need more engagement, believe me.

Julian:Everyone needs engagement. My startup, Schweizer-Tech-Microchips, has a million Swiss and European followers.

Tex:(Charming, approaching Chloe and looking at the tank) Well, look at that little critter! Well, I'll be damned... It's like a little pink tamale with legs, ain't it? Or a trout or a crawfish.

Chloe:His name is Barnaby. He eats mosquito larvae... he is a wonderful, mystical animal.

Don Gregory:Chloe, nobody cares what your catfish-with-legs eats!

Julian:(Leaning over the tank) Are those pink frills coming out of his head worms?

Chloe:Those are external gills.

Tiffany:He has them hanging out... imagine if men kept their vital parts on display like that.

Eleanor:(Arriving relaxed) Who has what on display?

Don Gregory:Nothing, dear... Look, this is Tex, a real stallion from Texas.

Eleanor:My, my, what a fine, strong figure you have, young man!

Tex:From the Texas Hill Country, ma'am. I know how to rope mares, colts, and whatever else needs wrangling.

Julian:Good heavens... that's very rustic, buddy. I am Julian Astor. I run the company Krankenweisz... specialized in luxury vehicles.

Eleanor:Wow... Your company is literally called "Sick White" in German. (She speaks to him in perfect, elegant German) "Und warum haben Sie ihm so einen schrecklichen Namen gegeben?" (To everyone) I asked him why he gave it such a horrendous name.

Julian:(Nervous) I see you speak fluent German! We will have endless corporate conversations.

Chloe:I also speak German, Julian. And French. I noticed you change the name of your startup every single time you bring it up. So, my daddy invited you here to marry my sister...

Tiffany:(Coughs and speaks) You snake! How could you say that, Chloe?

Julian:Marry? Not yet, maybe in about five terms. Your daddy invited me because my family practically founded this historical district... Isn't that right, Don Gregory?

Don Gregory:Uh, of course, son, you guys are like family. And you do plan to sell that brownstone, right? Now that you inherited it...

Tiffany:He doesn't plan to sell it, Dad, it's the only asset he has left... And stop talking about marriage.

Don Gregory:Ah, yes, sure, and you, Tex my boy, I wanted to introduce you to my other daughter... She's a biologist, she likes exotic amphibians... and she studied... at one of the most prestigious Ivy-adjacent universities in the country...

Tex:Don Gregory, meeting your daughter Chloe has already been the highlight of this trip. But I also came to pitch you the finest products from my ranch: we’re talking raw organic dairy, premium cave-aged cheddar, and heavy cream so thick it'll make you forget your sins.

(Don Gregory, Eleanor, Tiffany, and Julian freeze, staring blankly into space and visibly drooling as they say in unison: "Ohhh... ahhh...". Chloe stands firmly in front of the tank and speaks, imitating a místicas, deep axolotl voice).

Chloe:(Axolotl Voice) "I feel the freezing water in my external gills, swimming through these fake plastic waves, yearning for the ancestral mud of Xochimilco... I need space, freedom, innocent, fresh, live, edible minnows... and a break from all these superficial pretenders." (Normal voice) That doesn't include you, Tex, don't take it personally, buddy... The pretender part is definitely more about Julian... Ehem, wrap it up, Barnaby.

(As Chloe finishes her monologue, everyone keeps a sepulchral silence and pretends absolute amnesia. Julian, feeling targeted and salty, breaks the ice by making a cricket sound with his mouth: "Cri, cri, cri!". Then he steps closer to the tank and uses his ventriloquist voice for the puppet).

Julian:(Ventriloquist Voice) "Ah, look at all this attention I'm getting, and what am I? I'm just a simple axolotl with no real needs, I will live and die in this glass tank thinking this is the whole world... Just like my mansion in the Upper East Side... ah, the Upper East Side, did I mention my family founded the block? I'm high-maintenance, I don't have a cent to my name, but I'm not a pretender... Well, at least I can die in a massive house."

Don Gregory:(Abruptly cutting the scene) Well, Tex, moving on to... happier topics... I would be joyful... to do business with you, young friend... And of course, you can stay as a guest here for a few days and get to know our daughters... Just in case it occurs to you, perhaps, to think... about marrying... one of them?

Julian:I can also offer you lodging, my friend... You heard me, my place is huge, absolutely massive...

Tex:Well, howdy... And what’s the catch, my sudden friend? I don't rightly know how to take that offer. We barely know each other. Is it really that big?

Julian:Oh, yes, the size is... very adequate... or so I've been told... and... I don't know, it's just... I would love it if someday, if possible, I could visit your ranch in Texas and you could teach me how to ride...

(Awkward pause)

Chloe:(Grabs Tex by the arm) Tex, Tex, don't get tangled up in his web... I might not be able to teach you how to ride, since it's obvious you already know how to handle a saddle... but how about I show you... a bit more of the city, if you don't know it that well yet? We wouldn't have to get married, just kiss... Have you ever been to the Museum of Modern Art? Un hum...

Tiffany:(Takes his other arm and pulls him the other way) Oh please, the MoMA, and the street artists, and the hipsters in Washington Square Park... next she'll take you to the university botanical gardens and the "green paths" where *things* happen, or so I've been told... Listen to me, cowboy... Tex... I'll take you to the most exclusive club in the Meatpacking District...

Chloe:"Tex"? Look at you trying to sound country, cute...

Eleanor:Girls! Enough chatter! It seems to me that Mr. Tex needs to do business with yours truly, since I am the one who actually signs the checks, isn't that right, Don Gregory? I am the one who decides on the investments, isn't that so, husband?

Don Gregory:(To the audience, standing behind the axolotl tank, using the puppet as his confidant) It seems my wife really took a liking to the young man's premium cheese! And I just have to bite my tongue and swallow my pride... What a joke, what a drag... Turns out we are absolute non-entities now that the women are running the show.

Julian:(Taking out his phone) What a lovely family dynamic... But, well, honestly... I’d love to stay longer, but... if you guys don't mind... can I take a selfie?

Tiffany:(Enthusiastic) What a surprise, Julian, with me of course... My pleasure, Jules... But no weddings... just a casual thing for the grid so people think we're a couple... so... are we doing this, neighbor?

Julian:With you? Are you crazy? Ha, ha... no offense... It's just... I promised a selfie to some friends, next to the huge cactus sculpture in your house... The cactus that is so... big... and green, just me and the cactus and its cute little arms... may I?

Tiffany:The damn cactus is all yours, seriously... Anyway, where were we, Tex? How about we all hit the club! Come on, Julian... invite your friends too... the ones who like... prickly, messy cacti? Or is it called spiky? I need to forget that I'm apparently not as high-class as Chloe says, and most importantly, forget that my mother's money pulls harder than a team of horses...

Chloe:Is that right? Tex? How about you leave your dairy business aside... I mean, the meetings and stuff... And come to the club with us... yeah?

Tex:Well, that don't sound half bad, but... honestly... Whatever the lady says.

Eleanor:Well, say no more, the lady says we are all going to the club. You too Gregory... you're coming.

Don Gregory:Me? No, thanks. I'll stay right here, chatting with the Ostrogoth... You guys already noticed he loves to... talk...

Chloe:He's a great listener... And his name is Barnaby! See you, Daddy!

All:BYE, SIR! HAVE FUN! BYE, BARNABY!

(Don Gregory is left completely alone with the axolotl).

Don Gregory:(Alone with the axolotl) Barnaby... you say nothing. You should be named Chief Pontiac, or Montezuma... Barnaby sounds like an accountant's name... And you're a god... the God Xolotl, lord of the underworld, master of transformation and regeneration... Xólotl. I will do the Axolotl Dance for you so we get some good luck. Let's see if I can regenerate whatever it is I'm missing!

(Electronic ritual music begins. Don Gregory starts a funny ritual dance, completely uninhibited, imitating the movements of the axolotl).

(To everyone's surprise, the Puppeteer steps completely out from behind the puppet theater, dressed in black, interrupting Don Gregory).

Don Gregory:(Jumping in shock) Ahhh! An intruder! A thief! I'm sorry, young man, but we have no money! None at all... We are broke, seriously broke.

Puppeteer:I'm no thief, sir. And I don't care about your money. I'm the one who operates the axolotl in this play, and honestly... you dance horribly. Here, stop that disaster and copy my steps... Let's go... One, two, three... One, two, three... Very good, Don Gregory, very good!

(The Puppeteer begins to guide Don Gregory in a coordinated, absurd axolotl choreography as the lights completely fade out).

CURTAIN