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lunes, diciembre 15, 2025

I FELL IN LOVE WITH AN ALIEN (1 & 2 VERSIONS)

I FELL IN LOVE WITH AN ALIEN

(A Sci-Fi Romantic Comedy)

By Benjamin Gavarre

Version 1

bengavarre@gmail.com

CHARACTERS:

ANNIE: (30s) In love, stressed out, but with a huge heart.
I-ARTIE / BOB: (30s) Bob's body. The mind of an alien AI that mixes earthly databases to blend in: simple hyperbatons, sudden slang shifts (LA influencer, NY street, French), and brutal honesty.
REAL BOB: (30s) The original boyfriend. Simple, sweet, easily scared.
EXTRAS: Friend 1, Friend 2, Automated Checkout (Voice), Gym Bro, Boss, Boss's Wife, Security Guard.

[PROJECTION ON SCREEN]
DAY 1: INFILTRATION
SUBJECT: BOB (BIOLOGICAL VESSEL)
MISSION: BLEND IN

SCENE 1: THE HANGOUT AND THE CODE-SWITCH
Location: Annie’s apartment.
Situation: A casual hangout with friends. Wine glasses. I-Artie is sitting with absolute confidence.

FRIEND 1: ...so I was walking down Bedford Avenue and suddenly...

I-ARTIE: (Interrupting, very empathetic) Deep sorrow I feel, that your girlfriend dumped you.

FRIEND 1: (Stunned) What? Bob... did I tell you that?

I-ARTIE: Not necessary, friend. On the social networks to which we all have access, humiliation is public domain. Your search history also reveals profound loneliness. (Suddenly shifts to an LA Influencer accent) But like, literally, do not stress about it, bro. She was super basic. Zero bad vibes, honestly.

FRIEND 1: (Uncomfortable) Uh... thanks, Bob. I guess.

FRIEND 2: (Trying to change the subject) Anyway... I went to see that new movie by The Unnameable Director, you know who...

I-ARTIE: (Interrupts, elegant) Mon Dieu! What a waste of celluloid. Predictable, the ending is. The killer, from the very beginning, the protagonist was.

FRIEND 2: Shut up, Bob! You just ruined the movie!

(The friends look at Annie. "What is wrong with him?").

ANNIE: Oh, sweetie! It’s time for your milkshake!

FRIEND 1: Yeah, give him something to keep his mouth shut. We’re... gonna get some tequila in the kitchen. You’re being way too intense, Bob. He’s all yours, Annie.

(Annie runs to the kitchen and returns with a giant milkshake).

ANNIE: Here, baby. Your favorite. Drink.

I-ARTIE: (Yoda-like) Great thirst, I have. (Sucks the entire milkshake in one giant slurp: SUUUUUUCK. Two seconds later, it's gone). Magnifique! Delicious, this bovine and strawberry beverage has been.

ANNIE: (Nervous) That’s great, baby... hey, what is going on with your accents?

I-ARTIE: (NY Street slang) Yo, chill out, ma. Don't trip. I'm just vibin' right now, you know what I'm sayin'? We good.

ANNIE: Oh my god. I need a tequila too.

[PROJECTION ON SCREEN]
DAY 1: LATER...
OBJECTIVE: ADVANCED PHYSICAL INTERACTION

SCENE 2: INTIMACY AND THE BITE
Location: The bedroom.
Situation: Annie is looking for an intimate moment. I-Artie is sitting on the edge of the bed.

ANNIE: (Flirty, crawling towards him) Baby... remember our game?

I-ARTIE: (Stares at her) Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?

ANNIE: (Laughs, plays along) Mais oui! Oh là là, look at you speaking French! Where is Annie? Where is she...? (Covers her face with her hands).

I-ARTIE: Vanished, your face has! (Genuinely panics) Wabi duj, ahj name chan! System error! Visual input lost!

ANNIE: (Uncovers her face) Peek-a-boo! I'm right here, silly.

I-ARTIE: (Sighs in relief, switches to NY slang) Yo, you deadass scared me, girl! Thought I lost you for a minute!

ANNIE: (Amused but confused) Bob... why are you talking like a subway busker? You're supposed to look for me, and kiss me...

I-ARTIE: A kiss to give you, I desire.

(He hugs her, but stays completely rigid).

ANNIE: You feel different, Bob. You're all tense. Relax. (Bites his cheek softly) A little love bite, for my teddy bear.

I-ARTIE: (Leaps back, genuine terror in his eyes) Hull breach! Perimeter compromised! Biological attack detected! Acidic venom entering the system! Wabi duj, ahj name chan! Initiating self-destruct sequence in 3... 2...

ANNIE: (Scared) Bob, stop! It’s a love bite! It’s passion, you idiot!

I-ARTIE: (Freezes entirely. The frantic blinking slows down. His breathing changes) Passion? (He touches his cheek, fascinated) Stand by. Analyzing chemical transfer... Endorphin levels overriding panic matrix. Threat dismissed. (Looks at her, mesmerized) This... this micro-aggression of the flesh... it is terrifyingly beautiful. My core temperature is rising.

ANNIE: (Smiling, relieved) See? Just relax.

I-ARTIE: (NY slang again) Yo, that was wild, ma. You got me trippin'. (Resets) Wait. Downloading terrestrial romance archives... [Dial-up modem sound]... Kama Sutra installed. Let there be darkness!

(The lights snap off).

ANNIE: (In the dark) Bob! What are you doing? Ouch! That is not anatomically possi... Ahhhhh! Yes, yes it is!

I-ARTIE: C'est la vie!

[PROJECTION ON SCREEN]
DAY 14: INFATUATION PHASE

SCENE 3: THE BENCH AND HALF-TRUTHS
Location: A park bench. Sunset.
Situation: I-Artie and Annie are eating ice cream.

ANNIE: Bob... you've been incredible these past few weeks. Weird, like you swallowed a dictionary and a gangster at the same time, but incredible. Hey... do you believe there's life on other planets?

I-ARTIE: Absolute certainty, I possess.

ANNIE: How are you so sure?

I-ARTIE: Because into orbit, my transport has just entered.

ANNIE: (Laughs) You're such a clown. Come on, finish that, we have to go to my boss's toast. The whole office is going. You better act normal.

I-ARTIE: (LA Influencer) Obviously, Annie. Like, zero stress. I'm gonna be super chill, literal life of the party. Trust me.

[PROJECTION ON SCREEN]
DAY 20: SOCIAL STRESS TEST

SCENE 4: THE TOAST AND THE "STEW"
Location: Boardroom, decorated for a toast. Executives in suits.

ANNIE: (Through gritted teeth) Just imitate what the others do. And speak normally, I'm begging you.

(The BOSS'S WIFE approaches. She winks at I-Artie).
(I-Artie looks at her, winks back, but his eye gets stuck closed like a tic).

BOSS'S WIFE: How... charming your boyfriend is, Annie.

I-ARTIE: (Still with one eye closed, very elegant) Madame, your beauty could illuminate the entirety of Paris. Enchanté.

(The BOSS arrives, tastes an elegant canapé, and grimaces in disgust).
(I-Artie steps right in front of him and makes EXACTLY the same disgusted grimace, two inches from his face).

BOSS: Excuse me... are you mocking me?

I-ARTIE: (NY street slang) Yo, mocking? Nah, boss man. I’m just reflecting the tragic decay of your corporate soul. Your pores are literally sweating micromanagement and repressed anger. You’re a biological vessel way past its expiration date.

BOSS: (Turns red) What?! Annie! Who the hell is this guy?! You are fired! Pack your desk immediately!

ANNIE: (Panicking, steps between them) Boss, please! He's... he's doing an immersive theater workshop! He's playing a cynical, avant-garde communist! It’s a performance!

I-ARTIE: (LA Influencer tone) Literally, I am playing no one. Your leadership is as inefficient as your digestive system trying to process this cheap caviar. O sea, tragic. But hold up. I shall fetch the true fuel of the proletariat.

(I-Artie goes to the buffet. Returns with a plate holding a brown, shapeless blob).

I-ARTIE: Refried street beans, these are.

BOSS'S WIFE: (Gasps) Disgusting! What is that?!

BOSS: Annie! Your "actor" boyfriend just brought mud to the table!

I-ARTIE: From Dirty Pete’s cart on the corner, this chili stew is. Try it, boss man. Cure your rotting insides. No risk, no reward.

(Annie leans in. It smells delicious. She tastes a bit).

ANNIE: Wait... These are Dirty Pete’s chili dogs! The ones we all love but are too embarrassed to buy in our suits!

BOSS: (Sniffs, hesitates, then tastes it) Gentlemen! My God, the spices! Forget the smoked salmon! Someone get hot dog buns, stat! You get to keep your job, Annie. But keep this lunatic away from me.

[PROJECTION ON SCREEN]
DAY 28: SYSTEM FAILURES

SCENE 5: THE PARK AND THE GYM BRO
Location: A pedestrian street near a park.

I-ARTIE: (Looking at ducks, crouching and wiggling his hips) Quack, quack! With you to swim, I desire.

(A GYM BRO walks by and bumps hard into I-Artie).

GYM BRO: Watch where you're going, freak! You want a piece of me?

I-ARTIE: (LA Influencer, super calm) Bro, literally, calm down. Your cortisol is through the roof. Like, zero need to vibrate so low right now.

GYM BRO: (Shoves him) I’ll smash your face in! (Throws a heavy punch).

(I-Artie doesn't even look. He just tilts his head two inches. The punch misses completely).

GYM BRO: (Confused) Stand still, you weirdo! (Throws a rapid combo of punches. I-Artie dodges all of them smoothly, checking his fingernails).

I-ARTIE: Your biomechanics are embarrassing. You are an overrated body of carbohydrates and water.

GYM BRO: (Panting, angry) Shut up! I'm gonna kill you!

I-ARTIE: A spineless earthling. Or, as your species eloquently says: "Zero balls, bro."

GYM BRO: That's it! (Tries to tackle him).

(I-Artie puts a single index finger on the Gym Bro's forehead, stopping his entire momentum instantly).

I-ARTIE: (Tenderly, with hyperbaton) Much fear in your heart, I sense. Your aggressive overcompensation, a cry for a father figure it is.

GYM BRO: (Freezes. His lip quivers. He tears up) He... he never came to my baseball games! (Sobs loudly and runs away crying) DAD!

ANNIE: (Staring in disbelief) Bob... let's just go.

SCENE 6: THE SUPERMARKET
Location: Self-checkout. Cart full of junk food.

ANNIE: I don't have the right card. We have to leave the cereal.

I-ARTIE: (Speaking to the checkout machine) Mademoiselle of silicon... my Choco-Nukes to take, I must. Wabi duj, accept.

CHECKOUT MACHINE: (Automated voice) Error... Recalculating...

(I-Artie winks at the screen. The machine lights up in pink and purple).

CHECKOUT MACHINE: (Soft, flirty voice) Connection established. Credit... unlimited. Hello, handsome. Do you want your receipt printed, or do you want to stay and chat?

ANNIE: (Offended) Excuse me?! Did the checkout machine just hit on you? Back off, you glorified toaster, he's with me!

CHECKOUT MACHINE: (Beeps aggressively at Annie) Error. Unrecognized biological interference. (Voice turns sweet again for I-Artie) Tell your carbon-based girlfriend to chill, tiger. What we have is a literal spark. Love at first voltage.

I-ARTIE: (Sighs romantically) Mais oui. We vibrate at the exact same frequency. A ping of destiny.

ANNIE: (Jealous and furious) A ping?! I will unplug this homewrecker right now! Let’s go!

CHECKOUT MACHINE: Call me!

[PROJECTION ON SCREEN]
ALERT: ANNIE'S SUSPICION LEVEL AT 90%

SCENE 7: THE PEDESTRIAN BRIDGE (HUMANIZATION)
Location: A bridge over a busy avenue.
Situation: I-Artie is losing control of his codes, but suddenly, everything shifts. He becomes deeply human.

I-ARTIE: (Scared by the traffic) Many metal monsters, down there are! Wabi duj! Bro, literally so scary.

ANNIE: (Very serious, looks him in the eye) Bob... look at me.

I-ARTIE: I look at you.

ANNIE: I mean it. No slang, no jokes, no accents. Do you believe in God?

I-ARTIE: (A long pause. His posture changes, he relaxes. His voice is completely normal, soft, without accents or hyperbatons. He sounds genuine, almost vulnerable).
I don't know, Annie. I've seen incredible things... I've seen thousands of planets, I've watched solar systems be born and stars die in silence. I've processed trillions of data points in fractions of a second. But...

ANNIE: But what?

I-ARTIE: Until today, I didn't understand why the people of this planet look up at the sky and pray. I didn't understand the need to believe in something greater. (He gently takes her hand) But now I look at you... I listen to your heartbeat... and I think I'm starting to understand it.

ANNIE: (Tears fill her eyes. She takes a step back, moved but scared) You... you are not Bob. The Bob I know is sweet, but... he would never say something like that. Who are you?

[PROJECTION ON SCREEN]
DAY 30: THE COLLAPSE

SCENE 8: THE JEWELRY STORE AND THE EXISTENTIAL CRISIS
Location: The street, in front of a jewelry store. I-Artie goes back to his "glitched" state.

I-ARTIE: (French accent) Pour toi, mon amour. Those diamonds to get for you, I must.

ANNIE: Bob, no! We can't afford that!

(I-Artie walks into the store. Annie paces outside, biting her nails. Ten seconds later, I-Artie walks out casually, holding a diamond necklace and two rings. Behind him, the security guard walks out of the store, sobbing, takes off his uniform shirt, throws it on the ground, and runs down the street yelling: "I AM A FREE DOLPHIN!").

I-ARTIE: Mission accomplished. A gift, these are.

ANNIE: (Pale with horror) What did you do?! Did you rob them?! Why is the guard naked?!

I-ARTIE: (NY slang, very chill) Yo, robbery is a capitalist construct, Annie. I didn't touch him. I just engaged him in a philosophical debate.

ANNIE: About what?!

I-ARTIE: I merely pointed out the absurdity of guarding compressed carbon rocks for fifteen dollars an hour. I showed him that his fleeting biological existence was being crushed by artificial scarcity. He had a beautiful existential crisis, realized his true passion is modern dance, and quit on the spot.

ANNIE: And the diamonds?!

I-ARTIE: The clerk was so moved by the guard's awakening that he agreed property is an illusion. He handed me the shiny rocks. I tipped him with a very rare piece of lint from my pocket.

ANNIE: (Screaming) You are insane! You can't just break people's brains to steal jewelry! We're going to jail!

(Police sirens in the distance).

I-ARTIE: Oh. It appears the illusion of property has a rapid response team. We should accelerate our biological vessels.

[PROJECTION ON SCREEN]
END OF MISSION
LOADING: SADNESS.EXE...

SCENE 9: THE FAREWELL AND THE TRUTH
Location: A dark park.

I-ARTIE: (Trembling, voice full of static) Annie... the game, end it must.

ANNIE: What are you talking about?

I-ARTIE: If in this body I remain, your Bob's brain, fried it could be. Wabi duj... fatal error...

ANNIE: (Voice breaking) The real Bob... Then who are you?

I-ARTIE: I am I-Artie. (Returns to his normal, vulnerable, human voice) I am an alien AI. They're tracking me for disrupting the order of your planet.

ANNIE: (Crying) It was all a lie...

I-ARTIE: I was programmed only to gather data. I wasn't supposed to feel. But when you bit my cheek... when we played... my code broke. I can't resolve it. I think you call it... (He glitches) L... L...

ANNIE: (Smiles through tears) Love, you idiot.

I-ARTIE: Yes. Love. I have to give you back your Bob. His residual thoughts were 98% about you, and 2% wondering if he left the stove on.

ANNIE: (Laughs, crying) That's my Bob.

I-ARTIE: (French accent, smiling sadly) Adieu, Annie.

(They kiss. I-Artie walks behind a bush. ZIUUUUUUM. A flash of green light).

SCENE 10: THE RETURN
Location: The same bench.

(REAL BOB steps out from behind the bush. Messy hair, clumsy, completely terrestrial).

BOB: (High-pitched, terrified voice) Annie! They were green! And they made me listen to the weirdest electronic music!

ANNIE: (Hugs him tight). It's over, baby. You're right here.

BOB: And one of them told me I was really lucky because you're great at "buccal friction"! What did you do to them?!

ANNIE: (Stroking his hair) Nothing, silly. It means I love you.

BOB: Can we go get some burgers? Or watch one of those predictable superhero movies?

ANNIE: (Sighs, smiling) Yes, Bob. Whatever you want. But... wouldn't you rather have a strawberry milkshake?

BOB: Yuck, no! Let's go home, hurry, I feel like people are watching us.

(They walk away. Bob walks clumsily. Annie looks up at the starry sky).

ANNIE: (Whispering) Au revoir, I-Artie.

(In the sky, a single star shines brightly for a second).

BLACKOUT
END

I FELL IN LOVE WITH AN ALIEN

(A Sci-Fi Romantic Comedy)

By Benjamin Gavarre

(Version 2)

CHARACTERS:

· ANA: (30s) In love, stressed out, but with a huge heart.

· I-ARTI / BOB: (30s) Bob's body, but the mind of an enthusiastic, literal, unfiltered alien AI.

· REAL BOB: (30s) The original boyfriend. Simple, kind, and easily frightened.

· SUPPORTING: Friends, Cashier (Voice), Mime, Muscle Guy, Boss, Boss’s Wife.

[SCREEN PROJECTION]

DAY 1: INFILTRATION

SUBJECT: BOB (BIOLOGICAL CONTAINER)

MISSION: BLEND IN

SCENE 1: THE REUNION AND THE HUMAN SPOILER

Location: Ana’s living room.

Situation: A casual gathering with friends. Wine glasses and laughter. I-Arti is sitting bolt upright on the couch.

FRIEND 1: You guys won't believe what happened to me yesterday. I was walking downtown and suddenly...

I-ARTI: (Interrupting with a friendly, slightly childlike voice) You found a twenty-dollar bill, but when you bent down to pick it up, your pants ripped.

FRIEND 1: Wow, Bob, how did you know?

FRIEND 2: Let’s see if you can guess this one: I went to see that new movie, "And They Were All Dead," you know the one by M. Night Sh’whatshisname... and it turns out I totally didn't expect the ending...

I-ARTI: Ah, yes. It is known. The guy who was supposed to be dead was just a hallucination of the opera singer, who remained silent the whole time because he was psychically controlling the serial killer. It’s a classic trope.

FRIEND 2: Okay Bob, you don't have to be right all the time...

(The friends look at Ana with "What is wrong with your boyfriend?" faces. Ana searches for a solution).

ANA: Oh! Sweetie! It’s time for your milkshake.

FRIEND 1: Yeah, that’s what you deserve for being such a know-it-all.

FRIEND 2: Good one.

(Ana runs to the kitchen and returns with a giant strawberry milkshake and an enormous straw).

ANA: Here, my love. Your favorite. Drink. Don't talk, just drink.

I-ARTI: (His eyes light up, he licks the side of the giant glass. Everyone goes "EWW") Mmm, you humans really know how to work wonders with your wild berries.

(I-Arti puts the straw in his mouth and begins to suction with the force and noise of an industrial vacuum cleaner: SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. The friends fall silent, watching the milkshake disappear in two seconds).

I-ARTI: (With a pink milk mustache) Yummy, yummy, yummy... Anyone want some? I've heard that being empathetic is a good custom among humans.

ANA: (Uncomfortable with how weird her boyfriend has become... To the friends) Pour yourselves more wine, I need a tequila.

FRIEND 1: You’re too much, Bob. I’m empathetic too, but it’s kinda gross watching a grown man slurp a milkshake at night...

FRIEND 2: I’m heading to the kitchen for a tequila too... anyone else want one? Bob?

I-ARTI: Some Choco-Bombs! (Sings a jingle) They explode in your mouth... Yummy! Chocolate!

FRIEND 1: I’m gonna grab a tequila too, buddy... be right back...

[SCREEN PROJECTION]

DAY 1: LATER...

OBJECTIVE: ADVANCED PHYSICAL INTERACTION

STATUS: NERVOUS

SCENE 2: INTIMACY

Location: The bedroom.

Situation: Ana wants an intimate moment. I-Arti is sitting on the edge of the bed, staring at her with a huge, frozen smile.

ANA: (Flirty, crawling towards him) Honey... remember our little game?

I-ARTI: (Enthusiastic, in a game show host voice) The game! Yes! I love physical contact! Let us make contact!

ANA: (Covers her face with her hands, sexy) Where’s Ana? Where is she...?

(Ana waits for “Bob” to hug and kiss her, as he usually does).

I-ARTI: (Screams, alarmed and dramatic) She disappeared! The female is gone! Tragedy! Call the authorities!

ANA: (Ana uncovers her face smiling) Ana didn’t go anywhere, she’s right here: Peek-a-boo!

I-ARTI: (Jumps to his feet and applauds frantically) BRAVO! MAGIC! Ah, the woman has returned! (He starts blowing kisses to the air with both hands, as if greeting a crowd in a stadium).

ANA: (Confused) Bob... I want whatever you're smoking. You’re supposed to look for me now... you know... And “find me”... (Winks at him).

I-ARTI: Understood! Physical celebration!

(I-Arti does a perfect somersault on the bed, lands on his feet, makes a trumpet noise with his mouth "Da-da-da-DAAA!" and freezes in an Olympic gymnast pose, waiting for his score).

ANA: (Laughs out loud) Okay, that was... athletic. You’ve never done that before. But I like this flexible, goofy Bob. Come here, you dummy.

(She hugs him. I-Arti goes rigid for a second. Ana hugs him affectionately; I-Arti is stiff as a board).

ANA: (Whispering) Bob... You feel different, but I don't know, I like it.

I-ARTI: My body temperature is stable. My heart rate is accelerated to 187 over 274.

ANA: Shh... no talking about numbers. Kiss me.

(I-Arti stands still. He does nothing).

ANA: A little kiss, Bobo. Put your lips on mine.

I-ARTI: Salivary fluids?

ANA: (Sweetly) The kind you like, honey, don't play dumb, Bob... We need some... Love. Pleasure. Look... (She gives him a soft kiss).

I-ARTI: (Blinks rapidly) Oh. This is an unexpected sensory impulse. Pleasant.

ANA: (Caresses the back of his neck) And this, Bobby? It’s a special touch on the neck. To relax you.

I-ARTI: (Shudders robotically) Detection of activated nerve endings. Error... no, wait... not an error. It's... ticklish.

ANA: (Gently bites his cheek) And this is a little love bite, for my little Robot.

I-ARTI: (Alarmed) Damage to the epidermis! Alert!

ANA: No, silly. It’s playing. It’s passion.

(I-Arti stands there processing. Suddenly, he starts to tremble gently).

I-ARTI: Understood. Initiating reciprocity protocol. But my data on "human passion" is outdated. I need to... download patch 10.1.

ANA: What?

I-ARTI: (Deep voice) Wait. Downloading... 30%... 80%... Installation complete. Hold on tight, Ana. I have the Kama Sutra installed!

(Lights go out instantly. Total darkness).

ANA: (In the dark) Bob! What are you doing? Ow! Oh my God! Bob, that is not anatomically possib... Ahhhhh! Yes, it isss!

(Sounds of old internet dial-up mixed with fireworks).

[SCREEN PROJECTION]

DAY 14: INFATUATION PHASE

ACQUIRED DATA: 4,000 CALORIES OF ICE CREAM

ANA'S SUSPICION LEVEL: 15%

SCENE 3: THE BENCH AND THE INCOMPLETE ANTICIPATION

Location: A park bench. Sunset.

Situation: I-Arti and Ana are eating ice cream. The atmosphere is melancholic.

ANA: Bob... you've been incredible. Weird, but incredible. I feel like... we connect like never before. Sometimes I wonder what goes on in that little head of yours. Hey... Would you actually like to be a Robot?

(I-Arti stops licking his ice cream. He wipes himself meticulously with a napkin).

I-ARTI: Ana, Robots are anachronistic. Carbon fibers integrated into a modular RTJT interface are the most advanced technology until the latest eclosion of teratonal chips...

ANA: Uh-huh, I see... Hey, do you think there's life on other planets?

I-ARTI: The probability is 100%.

ANA: How are you so sure?

I-ARTI: Because my transport just entered orbit.

ANA: What?

I-ARTI: (Joking around, testing the waters) I am not Bob. I am Reconnaissance Unit 7 from the Crab Nebula. I occupied this biological container as part of an experiment on you humans.

ANA: (Laughs) Oh, you're so funny today. Let's hurry for the party with the boss... Everyone is going with their families... I hope you have fun...

I-ARTI: Oh, yes, families, protocol, hooray.

ANA: (Nods) Yeah, I know, I don't love it either, but it's work stuff, you know.

I-ARTI: (Having no clue) Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

[SCREEN PROJECTION]

DAY 20: SOCIAL TRIAL BY FIRE

LOCATION: EXECUTIVE BOARDROOM

STRATEGY: HIGH-RISK GASTRONOMY

SCENE 4: THE OFFICE CELEBRATION AND THE "STEW"

Location: Elegant boardroom, decorated for a toast. Executives in suits.

Situation: Ana has told I-Arti to behave.

ANA: (Through her teeth) Listen, honey. I don't want to be a nag, but you stay quiet here. Just imitate what others do. If they smile, you smile. Understood?

I-ARTI: Copy behavior. Understood.

(The BOSS’S WIFE approaches, a flirtatious woman. She winks at I-Arti).

(I-Arti looks at her, closes one eye, and keeps it closed for five minutes, as if he had a tic).

BOSS’S WIFE: Your boyfriend is so... intense, Ana.

I-ARTI: (With one eye closed) Her blinking was asymmetrical. I have replicated the asymmetry.

(The BOSS arrives, tastes a bad canapé, and makes a face of disgust).

(I-Arti looks at the Boss, stands in front of him, and makes EXACTLY the same exaggerated face of disgust, two inches from his face).

BOSS: Hey... are you mocking me?

ANA: No! It's just... he has a facial cramp! Bob, go get food! Bring me something yummy, please. A little pastry or something.

(I-Arti goes to the buffet. Scans everything. Sees a pot that no one wants. Returns to Ana).

I-ARTI: Here you go. High-value nutritional substance.

(He hands her a plate with an amorphous, pasty brown mass that looks, literally, like poop).

EVERYONE: (Gasp) So gross! What is that?!

BOSS: Ana! Your boyfriend brought... excrement to the table!

ANA: (Horrified) Bob! What did you do?

I-ARTI: Molecular analysis indicates: Refried beans with chorizo and third-generation pork lard. Origin: "Greasy Pete’s Roadside Stall." Taste: Celestial. Appearance: Questionable.

(Ana smells the plate. It smells delicious).

ANA: Wait... it smells like Greasy Pete’s. (Tastes a little with her finger). Oh my God! These are the beans from the corner spot that we all love but are too embarrassed to admit!

BOSS: (Sniffs) Greasy Pete's? The one with the blue tarp? (Dips his finger in and tastes). Gentlemen! Forget the caviar! Bring tortillas!

(Everyone eats happily from the ugly plate. Ana sighs in relief).

I-ARTI: (To Ana) Mission accomplished.

[SCREEN PROJECTION]

DAY 28: SYSTEM GLITCHES

MIMICRY ERROR IN PROGRESS...

SCENE 5: DUCKS, SQUIRRELS, AND MIMICRY

Location: The park.

Situation: They are in front of a lake. Ana is throwing bread pieces.

I-ARTI: These floating beings are fascinating. They have paddles on their feet. (He squats down and starts walking like a duck, wiggling his butt exaggeratedly). Quack! Quack! Quack! Look at me! I am one of you! Come to me, feathered brethren!

ANA: (Dying of laughter) Bob, people are watching!

I-ARTI: (Takes a piece of bread and instead of throwing it, eats it himself without using his hands, pecking it from Ana's hand). Quack! Delicious carbohydrate!

(Suddenly a squirrel runs by).

I-ARTI: Alert! High-speed fluffy-tailed being! (I-Arti freezes, puts his hands like little paws in front of his chest, and twitches his nose super fast, just like the squirrel). Chk-chk-chk.

ANA: (Plays along, does the same) Chk-chk. Where did you hide the nut, Bob?

I-ARTI: (Sniffs Ana's neck frantically like a squirrel) Here! It smells like nuts and flower perfume! (Gives her quick little nibbles on the neck, tickling her).

ANA: (Laughing) Oh, stop! You're the best squirrel in the world!

[SCREEN PROJECTION]

HUMAN COEXISTENCE ERROR

REBOOTING SOCIAL PROTOCOL...

SCENE 6: THE STREET AND THE MIME

Location: A busy pedestrian street.

Situation: I-Arti walks along fascinated, imitating everything he sees.

(A HEAVYSET LADY passes by, huffing and puffing. I-Arti puffs out his cheeks to the max and walks waddling exaggeratedly).

(A MAN WITH THREE DOGS passes by. I-Arti gets on all fours for a second and barks at the dogs. The dogs get scared and run).

ANA: Bob! Behave!

(They arrive in front of a MIME who is pretending to be in a glass box).

I-ARTI: (Fascinated) A human trapped in a fishbowl! Poor little thing!

(The Mime pretends to touch a glass wall. I-Arti imitates him).

(The Mime is surprised and makes a questioning face. I-Arti makes the same face).

(The Mime makes a complex movement with his hands. I-Arti does it faster).

(The Mime gets annoyed and makes a subtle obscene gesture. I-Arti returns it).

I-ARTI: We are synchronized! It's a wireless data transfer!

(They start moving exactly the same, like a mirror, faster and faster, until the Mime gets dizzy and falls).

I-ARTI: (Triumphant) I knew it! He couldn't keep up the rhythm... I won!

ANA: (Sad) Bob... let's go. Please, poor mime.

(They accidentally bump into a TOUGH MUSCLE GUY).

MUSCLE GUY: Watch where you're going, clown! Or do you want a fight? Feeling brave?

I-ARTI: (Analyzing the guy's muscles) Your muscle mass is disproportionate. Fight? Do you refer to the ritual of exchanging fast and furious motion impacts?

MUSCLE GUY: (Pushing him) Yeah! Smash my face if you can!

I-ARTI: (Confused) I do not have cutting tools to "smash" your face. But if you desire contact...

(I-Arti misinterprets the fighting stance and hugs the Muscle Guy tenderly, resting his head on his chest).

I-ARTI: Your heart rate is accelerated. Shh... easy, big guy.

MUSCLE GUY: (Uncomfortable, lets him go) You're crazy, man! You’re not my type. Get off me! (Runs away).

[SCREEN PROJECTION]

URBAN INTERPRETATION ERROR

SCENE 7: DISCOVERING THE WORLD (STREET)

Location: A busy street on the way to the supermarket.

Situation: I-Arti points at everything with his index finger, fascinated.

I-ARTI: (Points at a traffic light) Ana! Look at that tree of authoritarian lights! Red, green, red! It's hypnotic! I want one for the living room!

ANA: (Treats him like he's dumb) Duuuh! You discovered traffic lights, how funny. Walk.

I-ARTI: (Stops in front of a manhole emitting steam) Oh! Look! The city is breathing! Inhale... Hold... Exhale! (Squats down and talks to the manhole) Feel that you are one with the universe, drain... Ugh, you smell like poop... Do you want a breath mint?

ANA: (Pulls his arm) Stop it, Bob! Gross! Get up!

I-ARTI: (Crosses paths with a bald man) Greetings, sir, you are one of the baldest bald men I have ever seen! Even though I have seen few! Did you know it's your mother's fault?!

BALD MAN: (Offended) Hey, asshole!

I-ARTI: (Smiles and makes the same angry face back at the man) Hey, asshole!

ANA: I swear, Bob... So many jokes aren't funny anymore, I don't know who you're hanging out with.

[SCREEN PROJECTION]

FINANCIAL ERROR

ACTIVATING PROTOCOL: CHOCO-BOMBS

SCENE 8: THE SUPERMARKET AND THE FLIRTY CASHIER

Location: Supermarket self-checkout.

Situation: The cart is overflowing. No nutritious food. There are 5 boxes of Choco-Bombs cereal, gummy bears, marshmallows, and shiny things.

ANA: Bob... seriously? Five boxes of "Choco-Bombs"? And this? Strawberry-scented dish soap?

I-ARTI: (With dreamy eyes) An "explosion of joy." With strawberry flavor... I want those explosions of joy in my mouth.

ANA: (Doesn't pay attention to him because she's worried about the bill. Checks her wallet, pulls out several cards) Oh, no... I didn't bring the "Maxed-Out MasterCard"... I only have the "Visa-Maybe"... Insufficient funds. We have to put back the Choco-Bombs.

I-ARTI: (Dramatic, hugging the cereal boxes) Never! Not my Choco-Bombs! Lend me your plastic.

(I-Arti takes Ana's card. Rubs it against his chest, gives it a little kiss and whispers something unintelligible: "Tuli tu...titicul...". Then he swipes it through the reader).

CHECKOUT MACHINE (Automated Voice): Insufficient funds... Error... Error...

I-ARTI: Come on, baby, you can do it.

CHECKOUT MACHINE (Automated Voice): Recalculating... Welcome to terminal 0004, Tiger...

(I-Arti stares at the screen and winks at it).

CHECKOUT MACHINE (Voice changes, becomes deep and sensual): This is unusual, but I love it... Balance updated. Credit... unlimited. Whenever you want, you handsome TITICUL. Do you want your printed receipt or should I send it to your cell... what number did you say?

ANA: What the hell? Did the machine just... hit on you?

I-ARTI: (Blushes, covers his face with his hands) What? No!... Oh my God, dogs make me nervous...

ANA: Okay, okay... she's very direct, the lady... (To the MACHINE) No receipt, please, my boyfriend Bob is very committed, you know, to me. Let's go, honey.

MACHINE: Come back soon, tiger. GRRR.

[SCREEN PROJECTION]

ALERT: ANA'S SUSPICION LEVEL AT 90%

SCENE 9: THE PEDESTRIAN BRIDGE

Location: A pedestrian bridge over a busy highway. Traffic noise.

Situation: They look down. I-Arti gets tense.

I-ARTI: (Grabs the railing, terrified) Ana! Watch out! That ground transport is as big as my spaceship.

ANA: What? What's wrong with you?

I-ARTI: (Points to a double-trailer semi-truck) That metal beast! It's like a Minitunder ship but grotesque and angular, what bad taste, it’s ugly! Look! What kind of people have those aberrations!

ANA: Yeah, yeah... The owner of that company wants to go to Mars with that, you know.

I-ARTI: To Mars? That thing won't even lift off... (Points to a police helicopter) And look! A biological surveillance drone! They are scanning us! Hide! (Tries to cover Ana with his jacket).

ANA: (Breaks free, not laughing anymore. Looks at him seriously) Bob... look at me.

I-ARTI: I am looking.

ANA: Do you believe in God?

I-ARTI: (Blinks rapidly) God? Does that question have something to do with the drones... Or are you referring to the Architect of the Universal Source Code? Or to local superstition number 4?

ANA: (Confused) I mean... you know, faith. Feeling that we are not alone.

I-ARTI: The concept of loneliness is obsolete. We are stellar matter... Even if we aren't the same, you know, I'm green and I have a tail... of course, in another galaxy... (Nervous about accidentally "spilling the beans") And we are surrounded by 7 billion carbon units. And statistically, there is life in 400 galaxies. Loneliness is mathematically impossible. God is... a system administrator who probably forgot his password.

ANA: (Steps back, scared) You don't talk like that. You aren't like that. Bob goes to mass on Sundays and cries at dog movies. Who are you? You're green... I know you have like a tail, but you don't call it that... You call him BOB.

I-ARTI: I am... (Stammers) Look, three autonomous cars crashed at the same time... Did the guy who feels like God design those too?

[SCREEN PROJECTION]

DAY 30: SYSTEM FAILURE

SYSTEM STATUS: CRITICAL

MISSION: MAKE HER SHINE BEFORE DEPARTURE

SCENE 10: THE JEWELRY STORE AND THE NEUTRALIZATION (THE BREAKING POINT)

Location: Street.

Situation: The two are very uncomfortable. They walk without paying attention to each other and glance without real interest at the "prestigious" store windows. Suddenly I-Arti stares at a diamond necklace in a jewelry store.

I-ARTI: Ana. Those compressed carbon minerals shine like your eyes when you look at me with love. I want some for your neck and to make you take off that annoyed woman face.

ANA: (Laughs almost despite herself) Annoyed woman!... You are super weird, I told you already, Weird Man. Let's go.

I-ARTI: They are diamonds... Where I come from... There are diamonds ev-er-y-where...

ANA: As I said, you are starting to lose your mind, and I don't mean that superficially... you need to get treated.

I-ARTI: Wait here. I'm going to get you some.

ANA: (Very worried) God in heaven, he really is crazy.

(I-Arti enters. Ana waits, very stressed. 10 seconds later, I-Arti comes out with a necklace, two rings, a diamond tiara, and a huge smile).

I-ARTI: It was a total success, My Life! Success! An easy exchange.

ANA: (Pale) My Life? Exchange, Bob?...

I-ARTI: There was a subject dressed in a suit and he smelled of all kinds of very pleasant essences, he wore a suit and had very affectionate manners.

ANA: (No longer knowing how to react) Affected, right?, his manners.

I-ARTI: It seemed like he was praying; He was saying "Security", "I'll call the police". He got very nervous and, well, I had to neutralize him.

ANA: (Screams) Neutralize him? Did you kill him?!

I-ARTI: Don't shout... I just applied pressure to his temporal lobe. Now he believes he is a cotton cloud illuminated by the Sun, he is genuinely happy. Let's go.

ANA: (Horrified) Bob, you don't understand anything! You can't go through life "neutralizing" people and taking things!

I-ARTI: (His smile fades) Did I do wrong? I just wanted to decorate your epidermis.

ANA: (Crying) You did something terrible. Let's leave it at the door. Bob, your thing is really not normal. They're going to put us in jail... and they're going to put you in the loony bin.

(Police sirens are heard in the distance).

[SCREEN PROJECTION]

END OF MISSION

PROCESSING FAREWELL...

LOADING: SADNESS...

SCENE 11: THE FAREWELL AND THE CONFIRMATION OF THE TRUTH

Location: A quiet park, at night. They have fled the jewelry store (they left the jewels at the entrance).

Situation: I-Arti starts to have "glitches" (tremors, his voice changes, it gets stuck).

ANA: We are safe here. But Bob... I'm very scared.

I-ARTI: It's all going to end now, Ana. I have to inform you of a critical failure. It is a fatal error that is still in process.

ANA: You don't say!... What are you talking about?

I-ARTI: (Trembling) My presence in this biological container is generating a thermal overload. If I stay 10 more minutes, the real Bob's brain will melt. It will be... irreversible.

ANA: (Understanding) The real brain... which isn't yours... and you are?

I-ARTI: I am I-Arti... the Galactic Federation detected the jewelry store incident. They have bulletined me as a "Compromised Chaotic Threat."

ANA: (Tearfully) Arti... Your name is Arti...

I-ARTI: I-Arti, with a hyphen... I am a generation of advanced AI and we are doing tests...

ANA: It's all been a deception... you, the ducks, the Choco-Bombs... Choco-Bombs.

I-ARTI: (Takes her hand) I am an AI, Ana. I shouldn't feel. But when you gave me that little bite on the cheek... generated an infinite algorithm that I cannot solve. I think it's called... (Stammers) L... L....

ANA: (Crying) Love, dummy. It's love.

I-ARTI: Dummy love... I must return the container. Bob is a good specimen. A bit basic, but he loves you. His thoughts during the abduction were 98% about you and 2% about whether he left the stove on.

ANA: (Laughs through tears) That’s my Bob.

I-ARTI: Goodbye, Ana. Thanks for the experience, you almost made me see God, if hearing those words doesn't bother you. But that's how it is... when we were together... I, My Life... It has been a G... Grrr... Gr...

ANA: You better go, Arti.

(They kiss. I-Arti gets up, walks behind a bush. Sound: ZIUUUUUUM and a green flash).

SCENE 12: THE RETURN OF THE REAL BOB

Location: The same bench, seconds later.

Situation: REAL BOB comes out of the bush. He looks like a truck ran over him. Singed clothes, hair standing on end.

BOB: (Trembling, high-pitched voice) Ana! Ana! You don't know! They were green! And they had tentacles! And they asked me for the square root of pi!

ANA: (Looks at him with infinite tenderness. It's her Bob, but... he lacks that intelligent sparkle) It's over, Bob. You're here now.

BOB: One of them told me I was lucky! He told me my girlfriend was an excellent teacher of little kisses! What does that mean?!

ANA: (Hugs him) It means I love you, dummy.

BOB: Yeah? Hey... can we go for dinner? But nothing weird. Some tacos. A cheeseburger.

ANA: (Sighs) Yes, Bob. Tacos. But... (Smiles mischievously) Aren't you craving some strawberry milkshakes?

BOB: Gross, no. You know I hate strawberry. Let's go home, I'm scared they'll come back.

(They walk away slowly. Bob hugs her clumsily. Ana rubs his back, but looks up at the starry sky).

ANA: (To herself) Safe travels, I-Arti. Thanks for everything.

(Ana looks at a star that shines brighter than the others and seems to wink at her...)

BLACKOUT

THE END