STOOP ROMANCE
(a Retro Comedy)
STOOP ROMANCE (A RETRO COMEDY). © 2026 by BENJAMIN GAVARRE is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International
bengavarre@gmail.com
SETTING: Outside a luxury
1970s apartment building in a nice neighborhood like the Upper East Side, New
York City. There is a well-kept garden and a wrought-iron gate with an
intercom.
CHARACTERS:
- SPARKY: A neighborhood
grease monkey. Greasy overalls, huge mutton chops, shirt unbuttoned
showing his hairy chest, carrying a massive monkey wrench.
- ARTHUR: A bureaucrat.
Tight lime-green polyester leisure suit, bell-bottoms, wide kipper tie,
thick horn-rimmed glasses, carrying a briefcase.
- CHRISSY: The housemaid.
Pastel pink uniform, green colored contacts, huge Farrah Fawcett feathered
hair. Expertly
chews bubblegum.
- MR. AND MRS. STERLING: The snobby
"nouveau riche" landlords.
- THE WATER BOY, THE BUTCHER, and THE
EVANGELIST: Vendors and such.
- JOHNNY: Chrissy’s
boyfriend. A stud NYC Yellow Cab driver.
SCENE 1: THE SIDEWALK ENCOUNTER
(Morning in the Upper East Side. SPARKY is
leaning against the building's gate, polishing his wrench with a rag. ARTHUR
walks up briskly. Sparky looks him up and down, lingering a second too long on
the tight fit of the bureaucrat's bell-bottoms).
SPARKY Well lookee here, Mr.
Suit! What’s the rush? You coming to sharpen your pencil this early, or just
looking for a place to shove your paperwork? (Stares deeply into his eyes)
ARTHUR (Adjusts his tie,
and touches Sparky’s overalls as if by accident) Show some respect,
maestro. I’m here to review internal affairs... I brought a rather large
package full of... proposals. And I'm here to see if it fits in Chrissy’s
drop-box.
SPARKY (Stepping a little
closer than necessary) Ooh, Mr. Suit... for that drop-box you only got a
flimsy little folder with no spine... Look, pal, I’m the one who tunes up the
heavy machinery around here. Whenever something squeaks in the rear, I get my
hands on the chassis and leave it running nice and smooth...
ARTHUR (Without backing
down, holding his gaze) Don’t make me laugh, Sparky. I know exactly how to
open a file from the back without bending the pages...
(CHRISSY comes out to the gate with a broom.
She chews her gum and pops a loud bubble. Both men instantly strike a macho
pose).
CHRISSY You two boneheads.
Keep your tools and your little papers to yourselves, this building ain't a
chop shop or a filing cabinet. What do you want, or are you just blocking
traffic, or what?
SPARKY Chrissy, my sweet
ride! Just guarding your entrance, my queen. You know I always look after your
front bumper and your tailpipe.
ARTHUR I brought you a
little gift, gorgeous. (Pulls a squished Ding Dong out of his briefcase)
A sweet treat for a sweet lady. Next payday, I’m taking you out for fancy
fondue.
SCENE 2: THE PARADE OF VENDORS
(A shout is heard: "Water
delivery!". The WATER BOY arrives rolling a heavy glass jug).
WATER BOY Fresh water for Miss
Chrissy! Should I take it all the way up top, or stick it in the back patio?
SPARKY (Stepping in the
middle, threatening with the giant wrench) You ain't taking up or... giving
nothing to the lady, pal! I’m the only one who services her pipes! Beat it,
scram!
(The Water Boy runs off. The BUTCHER BOY
arrives with a butcher paper package).
BUTCHER BOY Chrissy, I brought
the Italian sausage for your bosses to eat. But for you, I saved a couple of
extra-thick salamis on the side, for your cravings.
ARTHUR (Pushing the
Butcher with his briefcase) Take your tube steaks somewhere else! The lady
here only handles prime cuts.
(The Butcher drops the package at the gate
and flees. A man in a pristine suit with a briefcase and a huge smile arrives:
THE EVANGELIST).
EVANGELIST Good morning,
brothers. Do you have a minute to talk about the Second Coming...?
SPARKY & ARTHUR (In unison,
shouting highly offended) THE ONLY ONE COMING AROUND HERE IS ME!
(Realizing what they just yelled at the exact
same time, Sparky and Arthur stare at each other. They blush slightly and clear
their throats, adjusting their clothes, completely forgetting about Chrissy for
a moment. The Evangelist crosses himself and runs away).
SCENE 3: THE BOSSES
(MR. AND MRS. STERLING walk up, loaded with
Bloomingdale's shopping bags).
MRS. STERLING Jesus, Mary, and
Saint Joseph! George, look at the riffraff blocking our entrance. Chrissy! Why
do you let these peasants hover around our property?
MR. STERLING Hey, you two! Scram
before I call the cops!
CHRISSY Geez, Mr. Sterling, I
don't even know 'em. One wants to polish my hood and the other wants to stamp
my forms.
SCENE 4: THE ENGINE NOISE
(Suddenly, the deafening honk of a car horn
playing "La Cucaracha" echoes. Tires screech. JOHNNY struts into the
scene with full 70s swagger, wearing a leather jacket and giant aviator
sunglasses).
JOHNNY (Chewing on a
toothpick) Hey, hey, hey! Turn the jukebox down! What’s the word, my golden
girl? We outta here or what?
CHRISSY (Her face lights
up. She drops the broom) Johnny, my sweet baboo! You're purring like a
kitten. Breaking news, bosses: he’s my fiancé. You can keep your broom and your
sausage! Let’s go, Johnny, I can’t wait to break in the fuzzy dice in your cab.
(Chrissy and Johnny walk away hugging. Mr.
and Mrs. Sterling, totally indignant, storm into the building and slam the iron
gate shut).
SCENE 5: THE CLIMAX AND THE TUNE-UP
(The street falls dead silent. Sparky and
Arthur are left alone on the sidewalk, staring in the direction the cab left.
Slowly, the hostility fades away. The air feels different. They slowly turn to
look at each other).
SPARKY (Nervously playing
with his massive wrench, dragging out his words) Damn my luck, Mr. Suit...
All that time loosening the nut... for nothing.
ARTHUR (Places his
briefcase on the ground. He takes off his thick-rimmed glasses and looks at him
with unexpected depth) Indeed, my friend... And here I am with the file
wide open, so much red tape stuck inside...
(Sparky takes a slow step toward Arthur,
closing the gap. There is no anger anymore, only a sudden mutual sympathy).
SPARKY (Lowering his
voice) Well, like I told ya... my master wrench adjusts any part. It's just
a matter of finding... the right nut. Y'know, so we don't waste all this
energy.
ARTHUR (Smiling, looking
directly at Sparky's unbuttoned shirt) Rumor has it there’s a dive bar two
blocks down called "The Rusty Piston"... Word is, it’s a great spot for confirmed bachelors, they say. What do you say we go, grab a few stiff drinks... and... see
what kind of paperwork we can file together?
SPARKY (Gently takes
Arthur’s briefcase from his hands to carry it himself) You got it, Mr.
Suit. You buy the drinks... I’ll cover the tune-up.
(Arthur, very softly, adjusts the collar of
Sparky's greasy overalls. Sparky puts his arm around Arthur like a true
companion. They take a couple of steps together, but suddenly Arthur stops).
ARTHUR Say, Sparky... with
this heat, that bar seems like a pretty long walk.
SPARKY You hit the nail on
the head, buddy. Better speed up the paperwork, like you suit guys say...
ARTHUR Took the words right
out of my mouth, I'm dying of thirst.
(They both stand at the edge of the sidewalk,
raise their arms at the exact same time with perfect 70s flair, and look down
the avenue).
SPARKY & ARTHUR (In unison, at the
top of their lungs) TAAAAXIIII!!!
(The loud screech of a Yellow Cab slamming on
its brakes is heard. The two men run off toward the car, arms around each
other. A groovy, sensual Latin soul track by Los Ángeles Negros starts blasting
at full volume as the scene fades to black).
CURTAIN
