Family Dreams: A Modern Skit
by Gavarre Benjamin
® BENJAMÍN
GAVARRE SILVA
If you want to put this text on stage, contact the author:
CHARACTERS:
·
MAXIMILIANO EMILIANO (MAX): 17 years old. High school student, dramatic, innocent.
·
MOM (TERESA): 40 years old. Practical, elegant, very informed by internet media.
·
DAD (ARTHUR): 45 years old. The father, the man of the house, masculine, loving,
sweet.
·
SOFÍA (SOFI): 20 years old. Older sister, unfiltered and detail-oriented.
SCENE I: The Shower in the Classroom
(The stage is MAX’s room, filled with books and
classic heavy metal band posters. MAXIMILIANO EMILIANO wakes up with a jolt,
pale, gasping. He covers his face with both hands.)
MAX: (Shouting,
choked) The desks! The coconut soap! And the Chemistry teacher!
(MOM (Teresa) enters, with a designer coffee
thermos. She calmly looks at her son.)
MOM: What’s
wrong, Maximiliano Emiliano? What’s so urgent that you’re making me spill the
FOAM FROM MY CAPPUCCINO?
MAX: I had a
dream, Mom! A terrible nightmare. I was at high school, in the classroom.
And... (He shivers) I WAS TAKING A SHOWER... In my underwear.
MOM: (Sipping
coffee) A shower in an inappropriate place? Classic. It means you feel
vulnerable in a social judgment environment. It’s in your Social Hygiene class
syllabus.
MAX: And the
worst part is I kept showering so calmly, like it was nothing. And I was
yelling at everyone! “Bet you don’t even notice I’m in my underwear! Don’t you
see me?”
MOM: They
didn’t notice?
MAX: At first,
they didn’t react, but then, in my dream, their faces distorted and they
started laughing under their breath, hiding it with books, and making grimaces
and sounds of terror. And the teacher, who stopped being the Chemistry teacher
and slowly turned into a teacher with demon eyes and ears, approached my desk
and whispered to me, as I was rinsing myself off very hard: “Why don’t you just
take off your underwear and spare us the mystery?”
MOM: (Sighs,
sits on the edge of the bed) Oh, Maximiliano. Don’t get caught up in so many
details. At your age, dreams are pure hormonal mess. Have I told you about wet
dreams? Me, for example... Last night I had a dream…
MAX: (Interrupts
her in a panic) No, Mom! Don’t tell me your dreams!
MOM: No, let
me. It’s relevant. Last night I dreamed I was in my spinning class, but the
bike wasn’t moving. And instead of pedaling, the instructor forced me to sign
fifteen documents in Mandarin Chinese about a company merger. Do you know what
that means?
MAX: (Staring
at her) That you have a lot of pending work.
MOM: Exactly!
That work stress is manifesting in my subconscious as a stationary bike that
won’t move! Your dream is the same: You feel overwhelmed by the responsibility
of performing well academically and meeting the expectations of teachers and
students… Now, let’s talk about your future.
MAX: My future
is working in a call center if you keep explaining things I don’t understand… I
think instead of studying, I’m going to go live on a mountain and raise goats
and rabbits!
MOM: Oh, for
God’s sake, with the goats and rabbits again! Did you know they’re not related?
MAX: Yes! I’ll
sell cheese. And rabbit’s feet. I’m very cunning and I’ll get rich with my goat
cheese. I want goats… and rabbits!
MOM: Goats
cost money, honey. And did you know that to get rabbit’s feet… you have to
knock them out, those little rabbits you like so much.
MAX: Don’t
talk to me like I’m still a child… I’d already thought about it… I’m going to
make rabbit barbacoa and goat cheese… And when I come to this city that stinks,
I’ll sell fried rabbit, rabbit’s feet, and goat cheese… The city is rotting my
soul… And yes, I need the simplicity of the countryside to be happy. That’s why
I dream weird things…
MOM: I’ll tell
you what rots the soul, Maximiliano: a recurring dream I had at your age. I
dreamed my grandmother was chasing me through the supermarket with a giant
cucumber, screaming that I would never find love. The cucumber had eyes and a
mouth like… like that. (She makes a strange gesture with her mouth and then
puts her hand to her chest, dramatically).
MAX: (Blinking)
Mom, that’s... quite specific.
MOM: And in
the morning, my grandmother would ask me: “Teresa, did you buy the cucumbers
for the salad yet?” Fate laughs at you, son! Don’t take this giant underwear
thing so seriously. You’re only seventeen.
MAX: (Blinking)
Mom, I never said they were giant, but yes, they were two sizes bigger than
mine… Like the ones Dad wears...
MOM: That
explains everything.
SCENE II: The Last Straw
(At that moment, the front door bursts open loudly.
DAD (Arthur) and SOFÍA (Sofi), the older sister, enter. They have been
listening from the doorway.)
DAD: Teresa!
For God’s sake! Were you talking about Grandma’s cucumber again?
SOFI: (Advances
with a mischievous smile) I think it’s time to talk about dreams, Dad. And with
no holds barred, I mean, to get into context. (Condescendingly) Max, your
shower dream is sweet. But we need to give it some substance.
MAX: (Shrinks,
embarrassed) Sofi, shut up! You shouldn’t have been listening.
SOFI: Of
course, I should have. We have to be honest. I, for example, will give my dream
testimony, that is… I’m going to speak my mind about my dreams… (Everyone makes
a “Please no” face) Last night I dreamed I was on top of the Angel of
Independence, but the Angel was a two-scoop ice cream, and I was the spoon. And
pink seagulls were screaming things at me in French. (She laughs shamelessly).
MOM: (Looks at
her with disapproval) Sofi, that’s too detailed a dream.
DAD: (Getting
nervous) Of course, it’s detailed! Your dreams are always too detailed. Always
erotic! Always with cucumbers or ice cream angels… and… scoops!
MOM: Alright,
Arthur. And what did you dream about? (With double meaning) About the stock
market crash?... Ha, ha… Or, I know, the collapse of the Latin American Tower.
(Softens at ARTHUR’S offended look) No? Or… About your Excel report?
DAD: No, I
dreamed about a... a buffalo. In the middle of the office.
SOFI: A buffalo?
Ugh. That means: Repressed aggression. That’s a classic, Daddy.
DAD: It was a
buffalo, but then it turned into a young, muscular bull! ...You know… (He
clears his throat) And then, I had another dream. But that one… I can’t tell
you… it’s more… personal. It’s very intimate.
MOM: Arthur,
please! After the cucumbers and the spoons on the Angel, spill the beans. We’re
a family!
DAD: (Blushing
deeply, looks around, as if a pillar were listening to him) I dreamed that...
that I kissed a Man. On the cheek. Well, maybe... on the mouth. One kiss. One.
(He gestures with his finger, measuring).
MOM: (Shouts)
Who with, Arthur?!
DAD: I don’t
know! A friend! But it was an innocent kiss! Very chaste! Like the ones the
French and Muslims give each other when they greet! There’s nothing wrong with
it! You tell erotic dreams and I just told about a kiss!
MAX: (Shouts,
grabbing an object from the table) Liar, Dad! The innocent kiss doesn’t exist!
And a kiss on the mouth is never innocent!
(MAX throws the book Lazarillo de Tormes at
Dad.)
MOM: (Shouting
in a high-pitched, melodramatic tone, grabbing the coffee thermos) A kiss with
a friend! A kiss on the mouth? Take your innocence!
(MOM throws the thermos.)
SOFI: (Laughing
hysterically, grabs the nearest cushion) The buffalo turned into a bull and the
bull kissed the friend! And it was with tongue, Daddy, was it with tongue?
(SOFI throws the cushion.)
(DAD covers his head with his hands as objects
thrown by Mom and Max (book, thermos, cushion) fly towards him. MAXIMILIANO
EMILIANO laughs and cries at the same time, liberated by the family absurdity. SOFI laughs out loud.)
(THE END)
