THE CUBICLE NATIVITY: MESSIAH OF THE SPREADSHEET
A Corporate Satire
PRODUCTION NOTES
Style: The tone is "Corporate Mockumentary" (think The Office or Office Space).
The Logic: The comedy thrives on awkward silences and unintentional innuendo. Characters should never acknowledge that their dialogue sounds dirty. If they laugh at their own jokes, the tension breaks. They must treat the ridiculous jargon as serious business.
The "Camera": The character LEO acts as the audience's anchor. He occasionally breaks the fourth wall with a "Can you believe this?" look, grounding the absurdity.
CHARACTERS
MR. LOKI (The CEO): A "Tech Bro" with toxic positivity. He speaks with the confidence of a TED Talk speaker, even when saying nonsense. He has a "Shark smile" that never fades.
BEA (HR): The "Karen" of Human Resources. She speaks in a sweet, high-pitched "Customer Service Voice," even when delivering terrible news. Her posture is rigid; she wields her clipboard like a weapon.
GABRIEL (The Life Coach): A "Mindfulness Guru" with annoying LinkedIn influencer vibes. He speaks in a smug, breathless whisper and invades people's personal space.
MARY (The Secretary): The Gossip Queen. She is completely unbothered by authority. Sells Multi-Level Marketing products (essential oils/Tupperware) at her desk.
GUS (The Slob): Good-hearted but gross. He is obsessed with food. When he uses double entendres, he does so with absolute innocence—he truly believes he is just talking about lunch.
LEO (The Burnout): The "Straight Man." Hates capitalism but is trapped by Student Loans. His delivery is deadpan, flat, and monotonous.
SCENE I: MANAGEMENT HELL
(Setting: A sterile office corridor. Phones ring incessantly. MR. LOKI enters rushing, holding a Starbucks cup, moving his hands as if conducting an orchestra. BEA follows, struggling with towering stacks of paper).
MR. LOKI: (Loud, manic energy) Come on, people! Let’s get those asses... moving! The audit is coming, and I need three souls to close the quarter! I want to see some growth!
BEA: (Stopping. A heavy, awkward sigh. She smiles painfully) Oh, Sir, the staff is complaining. They say the workload is too hard... to handle. They say you ride them too rough and give nothing back.
(Beat. A split-second of silence to process the phrasing. Loki doesn’t notice).
MR. LOKI: What? I gave them "Casual Fridays"! Ungrateful peasants! Bea, show me the package... the incentive package.
BEA: Well, the package is very small, Sir. It’s barely visible. We can only offer "Emotional Salary" and branded stress balls.
MR. LOKI: Damn it! We need to grab the "Golden Intern" before the competition does. Rumor has it that kid is very flexible... willing to bend over backwards for us. Bring him to me, and I promise I’ll bump you up... the ladder!
BEA: (Her smile drops for a micro-second, then returns) You always promise you’ll give me the big one... the promotion, but you never deliver.
MR. LOKI: (Alpha-male confidence) Trust me! We are going to thrust... into the market. We’re going to blow the competition away! Let’s do this!
(They exit running. Bea trips. She recovers with a "I meant to do that" look).
SCENE II: THE CUBICLE OF DESPAIR
(MARY is filing her nails. GUS is struggling to open a Tupperware container. LEO is asleep. The atmosphere is lethargic).
MARY: (On the phone, ignoring work) No, girl, the boss looks constipated. Hey, are you in for the Super Bowl pool or should I scratch you off? Also, I have those leggings you ordered.
GUS: (Struggling with the lid. Yelling) Jesus on a cracker! Is the pizza here yet? My stomach is growling louder than the printer.
LEO: (Waking up slowly. Deadpan) Gus, stop stuffing your face. You smell like tuna and desperation. It’s not even noon.
GUS: Don't be jealous just because you’re on a diet of rage. Hey guys, do you want to taste my... footlong sub? It’s extra meaty.
(Gus offers the sandwich with total sincerity. Leo looks directly at the audience—the "Jim Look"—disbelieving).
MARY: Eww, gross! Keep your meat in your pants... I mean, in your lunchbox. This is a professional environment! Hey, did you hear? No Christmas bonus this year. Just expired coupons for Bed Bath & Beyond.
LEO: You’ve got to be kidding me. I’m so deep in debt, my credit score is purely theoretical.
(Lights flicker ominously. GABRIEL enters jumping, holding a blinding ring light in front of his face).
GABRIEL: (Whispering loudly) What’s up, my tribesmen! Namaste, bitches!
MARY: Oh god, he’s here. What are you selling now? CBD oil for bad vibes?
GABRIEL: (Standing uncomfortably close to Mary) I’m here to unblock your root chakra! I have seen a sign! A bright light over by the Warehouse!
GUS: Is it the light of the Taco Truck?
GABRIEL: No! It is the sign of "The Chosen One". The Golden Intern has been born among the shredded documents! Follow me!
(Gabriel exits doing exaggerated yoga poses. The Janitor passes by slowly, dragging a tangle of broken Christmas lights).
LEO: (Watching the lights drag by) Was that the star? Stupid cheap LED lights, they don’t even turn on.
MARY: Well, let’s go. Maybe there’s free cake.
SCENE III: TEMPTATION IN HR
(The "Nativity" scene is a dented filing cabinet with a doll in a suit sitting on top. MR. LOKI and BEA jump in front of it defensively).
MR. LOKI: Hold it right there! Nobody touches the boy!
MARY: Relax, Sir, we just wanted to cradle him.
MR. LOKI: Back off! Listen to me, you corporate drones. I’m here to offer you the deal of a lifetime. If you sign here... (He pulls out a comically long contract that unrolls across the floor)... I promise you the moon.
GUS: Does it include an "All You Can Eat" buffet?
MR. LOKI: Gus, for you... unlimited snacks and permission to microwave fish without anyone complaining about your smell.
GUS: (Tearing up with genuine emotion) Where do I sign, Boss?!
MR. LOKI: And for you, Mary... I offer you the position of "Head Mistress". You’ll have all the interns under you... doing your bidding.
MARY: (Flirty, leaning in) Really, Sir? And will you teach me how to handle... the staff?
MR. LOKI: (Sleazy smile) I’ll teach you everything, darling. We can do some one-on-one training.
LEO: (Interjecting flatly) Hold on. This smells like a pyramid scheme.
GABRIEL: (Entering with burning sage) Step away from the darkness! Don’t fall for the toxic corporate trap!
MR. LOKI: Shut up, you hippie! They want money! They want power!
GABRIEL: They want mental health and to leave at 5 PM!
BEA: (Suddenly screaming, breaking her fake persona) Enough! I just want to be paid for my overtime! I quit! I’m going to sell feet pics on OnlyFans!
(Long, awkward silence. Everyone stares at Bea).
LEO: You know what? The Bee is right. Sir, take your contract and shove it... in the shredder. We’ll stay broke but happy.
MARY: Yeah, Sir. Plus, happy hour starts in ten minutes and you are not invited.
MR. LOKI: You’ll pay for this! I’ll ruin your LinkedIn recommendations! (He runs away throwing a childish tantrum).
GUS: So... no cake? Can we at least break the piñata?
GABRIEL: Yes! Let’s celebrate letting go of toxic attachments! Drop the beat!
FINAL SCENE: THE DEBT CAROL
(DIRECTOR'S NOTE: The deadpan style vanishes. Suddenly, they are loud, swaying, and joyfully drunk, like it’s 2:00 AM at the office party).
ALL: (Singing with gusto to the tune of "Jingle Bells")
Paycheck’s gone away,
Bills are here to stay,
Maxed out all my cards,
It’s a tragic holiday!
CHORUS:
Oh! Debt and debt,
And more debt,
The corporate life is hell.
We spent the bonus we didn't get,
On booze and Taco Bell!
Hey!
Debt and debt,
And more debt,
We’re broke as we can be,
But at least we have our friends,
In this toxic comp-a-ny!
MARY: (Solo, melodramatic)
My credit card declined,
I think I lost my mind,
I spent the office pool,
On botox and some wine!
ALL:
Oh! Debt and debt,
And more debt,
The corporate life is hell...
GUS: (Holding a stick aggressively) I don’t want stocks, I don’t want gold! I want to hit something before I get old!
ALL: Swing that sh...! (Cut to black immediately with a loud CENSOR BEEP).
(Sound of a piñata smashing in the dark. Cheers).
THE END
