A SECURE POSITION A Medical Farce, Absurd and Uncontrolled

 

 

 

A SECURE POSITION

A Medical Farce, Absurd and Uncontrolled

By GAVARRE BENJAMIN

 

 

 

© BENJAMÍN GAVARRE SILVA

benjamingavarre@filos.unam.mx

 

 

 

 

 

CHARACTERS

 

• DR. TAFOYA (50s): A rear-end physician. Sick of the system. His sanity hangs by a thread.
• CASPER (40s): Timid. Possesses a thousand neuroses. Hypochondriacal, excessively modest, deeply naive. Wearing seven overcoats.
• MRS. GERTRUDE (60s): Intrusive, well-meaning, illogical, and borderline insufferable at all times.
• VALENTINE (30s): Anxious, in the throes of severe withdrawal. Opportunistic, cynical, yet strangely charming and likable... sometimes.
• MISS CHRISTINA: The receptionist who is never at her desk, which is why every single patient just walks right into Dr. Tafoya’s private office.

 

SETTING

A medical office of surrealist design. A desk features a vintage, clunky computer in an impossible neon color, a cartoonishly oversized prescription pad, and a vase filled with bright, colorful tulips. To the left, a three-panel privacy screen stands—paradoxically discrete amidst all the visual stimuli—partially hiding a clinical examination table. Doors lead to the waiting room and a supposedly gender-neutral restroom featuring hilarious, stylized male and female icons.

 

ONE-ACT PLAY

(The curtain rises. DR. TAFOYA, wearing an impeccable, mostly realistic lab coat with a subtle farcical touch, is attempting to diagnose CASPER, who remains with all seven overcoats buttoned tightly to his chin and his arms crossed).

 

DR. TAFOYA

Mr. Casper, please understand that I am not a psychic. If you claim you have prostate cancer, then I am legally and medically required to perform a digital rectal exam. Take off your clothes.

 

CASPER

Doctor, my mother taught me that a man only undresses before God and his bedroom mirror. You just tell me what’s wrong with me and write the prescription; that’s all I’m asking of you.

 

DR. TAFOYA

(With a dangerously calm smile)

Oh, naturally. Of course. Forgive me. Let us employ the method of proctological telepathy... How dare you! I am a professional with solid ethical values. I cannot just hand out prescriptions blindly. I need to check if there is an actual tumor, or if it's merely a typical inflammation found in gentlemen of your age. Let us try a clinical relaxation exercise. (Takes Casper by the shoulders, guiding him behind the screen toward the examination table) Imagine we are on an airplane. We are experiencing severe turbulence. To avoid impact, the airline strictly requires you to adopt the secure position.

 

CASPER

A secure position?

 

DR. TAFOYA

Precisely. Unmovable, remarkably comfortable. Place your hands flat on the table, bend your knees, and elevate your pelvis toward the northeast. It is standard civil aviation procedure.

 

CASPER

(Doubtful, but climbing onto the table)

Well... if it’s truly that comfortable... (He gets on all fours, back to the audience, partially hidden by the screen, but with his overcoats lifted, revealing ridiculous long woolen underwear) Like this, Doctor?

 

DR. TAFOYA (Snapping on a latex glove with a loud pop) Perfect. Maintain your heading and do not look back at the cockpit. I shall fetch the lubricant.

 

CASPER

What did you say?! Lu-bri-cant?! No, for mercy's sake, no!

 

(The Doctor turns to his desk to look for the gel. At that exact moment, the door bursts open. MRS. GERTRUDE marches in, walking with short, agonizingly rigid steps).

 

MRS. GERTRUDE

Doctor! It’s an emergency! My hemorrhoids have declared war, and I demand an armistice in the form of suppositories!

 

DR. TAFOYA

(Startled, quickly hiding his gloved hand behind his back)

Madam! I am in the middle of a highly sensitive procedure! Back away!

 

MRS. GERTRUDE

(Ignoring him, walking straight toward the screen)

Sensitive? Oh, I know all about that. (She shamelessly peers over the edge of the screen) Good heavens! What a hilarious-looking camel.

 

CASPER

(Frozen in panic, motionless)

Doctor! I feel a terribly shameless draft! Shoo! Shoo! Don't look at me!

 

DR. TAFOYA

Mrs. Gertrude, respect the chaste rear-end of this man!

 

MRS. GERTRUDE

(Analyzing Casper)

He looks like a multi-layered pastry. (To Casper) What is your name, young man?

 

CASPER

(Flustered, docile despite himself, completely lost)

My name is Casper! Why?! Who are you?!

 

MRS. GERTRUDE

A humble Good Samaritan. You know, mister, you really should practice better hygiene... That’s exactly how I got these giant hemorrhoids, because I really don't like wiping all that much... And that’s also why my prostate got inflamed, just like yours.

 

(The door opens again. VALENTINE enters in an elegant tuxedo, dragging his feet, with an aristocratic paleness and half-closed eyes).

 

VALENTINE

Doctor... I can no longer function without my painkillers. I am in full-blown withdrawal. I’m losing my mind. For the love of God, give me a prescription. I'll pay you for it. Look at me, I can't endure this cruel existence. Certified opioid painkillers. Just give me a blank prescription—well, with your signature—and I will never bother you again, I swear it.

 

MRS. GERTRUDE

(To Valentine, pointing behind the screen)

Look here, young man, this is much better than painkillers... this is the most entertaining thing to lift your spirits. Come see this. The doctor has a camel on all fours... with its tail lifted high!

 

VALENTINE

(Attracted by the magic word: painkiller... walks over as if hypnotized behind the screen, standing next to Mrs. Gertrude)

You take them too?! Will you share? (Really impressed by what he sees) Wow... this is certainly intriguing. (To Casper, obsessively) Excuse me, sir, do they prescribe you opioid painkillers too? Can I have your prescription slips?

 

CASPER

(Screaming, burying his face in his hands) Doctor! I am not a circus freak! Come over here and do whatever it is you have to do, but get these two out of here!

 

(DR. TAFOYA has been simmering like a pressure cooker, unable to believe his eyes. He stares at the three lunatics from a distance. The latex glove is still on. Suddenly, he stops. His eyes widen. A low, nervous laughter begins to escape his chest. He starts laughing with ice-cold sarcasm, clapping his gloved hands softly).

 

DR. TAFOYA

Oh, of course! Life is testing me. This is a rite of passage; I can see it clearly now. How marvelous! What a phenomenological Altar I have the fortune of contemplating! (He rips off the glove in a fury and hurls it into the flower vase) Tell you what, Mr. Casper, stay just like that, don't move a muscle! After all, if you want to be diagnosed fully dressed, perfect! Personally, I have absolutely no interest in viewing the... piece of swollen meat you hide beneath those maniacal layers of fabric. Stay on all fours like a camel; it gives the office a delightfully exotic ambiance.

 

MRS. GERTRUDE

Doctor, your poor animal is a lost cause... He has a terminal case of multi-layered pastry cancer, I can certify it because I had the exact same thing... Better attend to me, because my prostate has grown back again.

 

DR. TAFOYA (Now in a state of sheer, contained madness... turning to her with an incredibly exaggerated bow) But of course, Mrs. Gertrude! How could I forget! The anatomy of the prostate is a flawless, stylized, natural thing... in a lady! And it always regenerates... especially in hermaphrodites! That’s it! You possess two genders... You are half donkey and half sheep! A true miracle of biology and zoology. That is why you have a prostate, bushy eyebrows, three kidneys, rogue hairs, an invisible beard, and a calling to be a "humble Good Samaritan," as you so eloquently put it. What beauty, what a marvel of human... nature... Congratulations!

 

MRS. GERTRUDE

(Stupefied)

All of that... A hermaphrodite? So I am a miracle?! Well, that’s great news!

 

DR. TAFOYA

(Ignoring her, lunging toward Valentine)

And you, my dear Valentine! What exquisite, imported elegance to come here begging for prescriptions to get high with the official seal of the State. Why settle for diluted opium? Why not go straight for fentanyl? Or better yet, some certified holy herb! Brew yourself a tea and leave me in peace. (Grabbing his prescription pad, completely unhinged) Actually, no... You know what? Let’s all get high. Let’s hand out prescriptions so the whole world can enjoy themselves and have religious experiences... and we’ll dress in seamless robes and hallucinate together with anyone who follows us!

 

VALENTINE

(Interested)

That sounds like a highly acceptable therapeutic proposal, Doctor. Are there any seamless robes available?

 

DR. TAFOYA

(Screaming deliriously, but cutting himself off)

No! Yes! But only priests can wear them! No! Yes! You know what?!... I’ll just give you the whole pad! (Slams the prescription pad against VALENTINE’S chest) Take it. It’s yours. Okay? Deal? Farewell, adieu, I am vanishing into thin air! I am utterly sick of working with lost-cause patients, I am utterly sick of you all! Sick of inspecting dirty rear-ends that have never received the light of the sun!

 

CASPER

(Peeking out, terrified)

Are you leaving, Doctor? How do I get down from this airplane?

 

DR. TAFOYA

You stay right there until I land in Tibet, Mr. Casper! I’ve made up my mind. I am detaching myself from this society: I am going to Tibet to become a Buddhist! It is decided! I’ll shave my head, put on a seamed saffron robe, and head to the Himalayas where absolutely nobody, absolutely nobody, possesses an anus, a rectum, a prostate, or a hypocritical addiction! Goodbye to the flesh! Goodbye to smelly rear-ends! Let’s all go to Tibet!

 

(Dr. Tafoya rips off his lab coat in one violent motion, flings it right onto Mrs. Gertrude’s face, grabs his briefcase, and runs out the waiting room door, screaming disjointed Buddhist mantras: "Om Om Ommmm, mani padme hum, damn it!").

 

(A long silence. CASPER remains on all fours on the examination table. MRS. GERTRUDE pulls the lab coat off her head. VALENTINE stares at the prescription pad).

 

MRS. GERTRUDE

Well... he certainly sounded very confident about Tibet. The climate up there must be wonderful for circulation. I believe it’s always snowing and they have cows.

 

VALENTINE

(Tearing a page from the pad)

Definitely. Lots of snowy mountains... though I think it’s mostly goats... Prescriptions, so many virgin, wonderful prescriptions. (Hands the page to Mrs. Gertrude) Here you go, madam. Signed by the new Dalai Lama himself. This should solve all your major true or false problems.

 

MRS. GERTRUDE

(Taking the prescription with devotion)

Oh, thank you, sweet boy. What a blessing it is to be around educated youth. (Turns toward the screen, pleasantly) Come along, Mr. Casper, step down from the aircraft, that’s enough. Or are you starting to like it, you pervert, you degenerate?... Just kidding, it’s a joke... You know I’m a Good Samaritan, the Dalai Lama said so himself... Come on, donuts are on me! There’s a place with delicious chocolate-glazed ones, and we can find some belladonna ointments and multi-layered pastries with pure maple syrup. They go straight to your hips, but they make you see life through different eyes—through the eyes of miracles.

 

CASPER

(Climbing down from the table with difficulty, adjusting his clothes) Well... yeah, that actually sounds great. I don't even feel any discomfort anymore. I think what I really need is a rich, delicious chocolate-glazed donut; that is an unquestionable truth.

 

VALENTINE

My thoughts exactly. Definitely. Unquestionable.

 

(Valentine sits at the doctor's desk, kicks his feet up on the table with total abandonment, and happily begins signing blank prescriptions with a blissful smile, while Mrs. Gertrude exits the office arm-in-arm with Casper, who walks like a tired, bow-legged cowboy, overflowing with timidity).

 

CURTAIN