Death in New Orleans
(A Spectral Farce in One Act)
® BENJAMIN GAVARRE SILVA
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Characters
- BOBBY (45): A loud, crude, new-money Texas real estate
shark. Gets horny out of nowhere the second he thinks about making
millions by tearing down historic properties.
- PEGGY (65): His wife. A supreme penny-pincher from the
Houston country club scene. So much plastic surgery she can't smile
without mechanically lifting her entire left arm toward the ceiling.
- MADAME CLOTILDE
(Shadow): An elegant,
19th-century Creole socialite. Refined, bilingual (French/English), but
uses filthy language when she’s angry. Weapon of choice: a
spectral atomizer.
- BEAU (Shadow): A dashing, rugged smuggler from the Bayou.
Handsome, muscular, possesses a freezing breath, and loves instigating
chaos.
- MISS HATTIE (85): A know-it-all Southern belle equipped with an
aluminum walker. Grumpy, obsessed with mysticism, and determined to squat
in the mansion by "spiritual right."
- SARAH (45): Her long-suffering African-American
assistant. Obedient on the outside, but harbors some very naughty thoughts
about the men in the afterlife.
- CHAD & CHLOE
(The Hipsters):
A modern, insufferably optimistic couple from Brooklyn. Obsessed with
minimalism, artisanal pour-over coffee, and their dogs.
- DEATH (The Baron
of Shadows):
An imposing, robed specter with a scythe, acting like a lazy, highly
expressive mime. Addicted to Southern sweet tea and
guttural groans.
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Setting
The
luxurious yet decaying parlor of an Antebellum-style mansion in the French
Quarter of New Orleans. A grand piano sits covered in a white sheet, alongside
an elegant mahogany screen and a desk holding an antique bottle of Louisiana
Bourbon. In the background, the buzz of swamp crickets and the distant echo of
a jazz trumpet can be heard.
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ACT ONE
SCENE 1: TRADITION INSULTED
(As the
curtain rises, BOBBY and PEGGY inspect the walls greedily. Sitting on the grand
piano are MADAME CLOTILDE and BEAU, invisible to the living. The Southern heat
and humidity are suffocating.)
BOBBY (Rubbing his hands together, breathing heavily, loosening his tie)
Peggy, baby! Being in this palace we bought for pennies at the courthouse
foreclosure... I don't know what this heat is doing to me, but it's getting my
Texas hormones raging! Kiss me, my little silicone doll, I’m raring to go like
a rodeo bull!
PEGGY (Pushing him away rigidly as her left arm automatically jerks toward
the ceiling) Get off me, Bobby! I’m going to pop the stitches from my
latest neck lift! Besides, the air in here smells weird... like a rotten swamp.
MADAME
CLOTILDE (Outraged, pulling a
golden atomizer from her period dress) Those filthy Texas rednecks! Beau,
it is time to use my grand-aunt's signature bayou fragrance: "Essence
of Dead Alligator Baking under the Sun."
(Clotilde
sprays the air directly into the Texans' faces. Bobby and Peggy freeze,
wrinkling their noses.)
BOBBY Good lord, baby! Did a sewage pipe burst out on Bourbon Street? It
smells like a hobo's sock soaked in the Mississippi!
BEAU (Stepping forward, cracking his knuckles with a smuggler's grin)
Leave 'em to me, Clotilde. These folks need a little swamp adjustment to lower
their pride.
(Beau
sneaks up behind them, grabs their heads with his invisible hands, and blows a
freezing blast onto their necks.)
¡Fuuuuu!
BOBBY
& PEGGY (Jumping at the same
time, clutching their necks) Holy hell!! It's freezing!
SCENE 2: THE STROBE EFFECT AND THE SEPARATION
BOBBY (Trying to calm down, spots the bottle on the table) Well, look
at that! A free bottle of pre-Civil War Bourbon. Cheers to Louisiana!
(Bobby
pours two glasses. They both chug it down in one gulp. Instantly, they freeze
in a dramatic pose. The stage lighting shifts to an intense, voodoo red, and a
strobe effect begins. A distorted New Orleans drumbeat echoes.)
(In slow
motion, the actors playing Bobby and Peggy make a sudden "stepping
back" motion to symbolize their souls detaching, while the main light
focuses on their "bodies," which drop rigidly to the floor like sacks
of potatoes. The strobe stops. The shadows blink, now free.)
BOBBY
(GHOST) (Looking down at his
own cowboy-booted body on the floor) Well, I'll be damned! Who the hell are
you? And why are we looking at ourselves from the floor?
BEAU (Placing his foot squarely on Bobby's "body" and crossing
his arms) Because you just kicked the bucket, cowboy. Too bad your journey
doesn't end up here in the Quarter.
MADAME
CLOTILDE (With a ghoulish smile)
Welcome to eternity, you pair of cheapskates! You profaned my private reserve.
Death is already on his way to collect his commission.
(From
behind the screen, DEATH enters, lazily dragging his scythe. He stops, stares
at the Texans, pulls out an hourglass, points at it impatiently, and lets out a
dry, judgmental grunt: "Ahem! 💀")
BOBBY
(GHOST) Nooo! My millions! This is
a goddamn Louisiana scam!
(Death
uses mime gestures to point down toward the catacombs and emits a deep, final
groan: "Grrrr ooh-hoo! 💀". Beau gives them a light shove, and an invisible force drags
Bobby and Peggy down into the darkness of Purgatory.)
SCENE 3: THE SQUATTERS AND THE SMUGGLER
(The
lights return to a Gothic amber. From outside, the rhythmic thud of an aluminum
walker is heard: "Thump, thump, thump!" MISS HATTIE enters pushing
her walker, followed by SARAH carrying heavy, antique suitcases.)
MISS
HATTIE Perfect, Sarah! I deserve
to live here in this Creole jewel. This mansion is mine by spiritual right—the
Tarot cards told me so! I know all about the original owners. Madame Clotilde
was an insufferable, pretentious snob, and her smuggler, Beau, was a low-class
rascal who smelled like river mud.
MADAME
CLOTILDE (Furious, taking a
sharp step forward) What did that bitch just call me?! Beau, handle her!
BEAU (With a wolfish grin) With pleasure, Madame. I'm about to cure
this assistant's workplace stress in a heartbeat.
(Beau
glides behind Sarah and plants a loud, wet, spectral kiss right on her neck.
Sarah tenses up, her eyes wide as saucers, and she begins to sigh, grinning
from ear to ear and wriggling with delight.)
SARAH (In an aside to the audience, fanning her blouse) Oh, sweet
Jesus!... Lord have mercy, this swamp ghost is fine!... (Slaps her hand over
her mouth, startled) Did I say that out loud or just think it?!
MISS
HATTIE (Turning around,
scandalized) Sarah, what in the world is wrong with you?! You're acting
like a cat on a hot tin roof! Behavior yourself, we are conducting a
respectable spiritual invasion!
SCENE 4: CHARADES WITH DEATH
(Miss
Hattie approaches the desk and notices an old voodoo grimoire lying open.)
MISS
HATTIE Look at this... The
mansion's old journal. (Reads aloud, falling into a Gothic trance)
"And the phantoms... are waiting... for us..." Oh, dear, my Southern
nerves!
(Miss
Hattie drops her walker and falls flat, struck down by a poetic heart attack.
She lies stiff on the floor. Sarah panics, but DEATH suddenly appears floating
right beside her.)
(Death
taps Sarah on the shoulder. Sarah turns, terrified. Death, acting like a mime
playing a game of charades, points at Hattie's corpse, points at Sarah, and
begins gesturing for her to repeat the cursed words. Death mimics opening a
book with his hands.)
SARAH (Guessing the mime gestures, trembling) A... a spellbook? (Death
nods happily and points upward mystically) And... and the voodoo spirits? (Death
claps and pretends to check an imaginary watch impatiently) Are waiting?...
(Death points at Sarah and Hattie) For us?
(Death
gives a "Bingo!" expression and dramatically clutches his heart,
mimicking dropping dead. Sarah lets out a resigned sigh.)
SARAH Well, ain't that a bitch!... Then again, considering what's left of my
paycheck and my life... I am not staying behind to deal with the funeral home
in this town alone! Hold on, boss, I’m coming with you! Hoo-eee!
(Sarah
dramatically throws her hands over her chest and falls to the ground with
theatrical flair.)
(The
rapid light flash and slow-motion effect repeat. The spirits of MISS HATTIE and
SARAH rise nimbly from their bodies.)
MISS
HATTIE (GHOST) Well, I'll be! My sciatica
is completely gone! Beau... you're still as handsome and dangerous as a sin,
you wicked man.
BEAU (Winking at Sarah as he offers his arm to Miss Hattie) And you
ladies look more alive than Mardi Gras night. Welcome to the club.
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MUSICAL INTERLUDE: THE TIME ELIPSIS (SECOND LINE)
(The
lights shift to a smoky blue and purple 1920s jazz club hue. A lively, highly
infectious New Orleans brass band tune kicks in, complete with blaring trumpets
and distorted trombones.)
(The
four ghosts—Clotilde, Beau, Hattie, and Sarah—along with DEATH, line up on
stage. They perform a short, stylized musical number: the classic New Orleans
"Second Line" dance, twirling umbrellas with comical jazz steps. Beau
snatches Hattie's walker and uses it as a prop for a quick Charleston.)
(During
the dance, Death casually drags the two "bodies" from the floor
behind the mahogany screen with total indifference. As the choreography ends,
everyone strikes a spectral pose. An antique sign projected on the back wall
reads in Gothic lettering: "ONE YEAR LATER...". The music
finishes with a sharp blast from a trumpet.)
SCENE 5: THE HIPSTER INVASION AND THE SADISTIC VENGEANCE
(The
lights return to the amber Gothic tone. Outside, a moving truck horn blares,
followed by sharp, high-pitched barking: "Yip, yip, yip!" The doors
burst open. CHAD and CHLOE enter, sporting fedoras, organic linen outfits, and
artisanal coffee tumblers. They practically radiate New York optimism.)
CHAD (Looking at the ceiling in awe) Chloe, babe! I cannot believe we
closed on this ancestral French Quarter space! The bohemian, mystical energy in
here is just so raw! We are going to rip out all this colonial junk and these
dusty mahogany screens.
CHLOE I know, right?! Everything painted in a clean, Scandinavian minimalist
white. And we can put the custom designer dog beds right in that corner for our
three French Poodles. I am so glad we decided to go child-free to really
connect with our travel karma!
BEAU (Stepping to the front of the ghost lineup, cracking his neck,
stretching his rugged bayou muscles) Scandinavian white? French Poodles in
New Orleans? I'm gonna throw these two trust-fund kids headfirst into the
Mississippi.
MADAME
CLOTILDE (With a macabre smile)
This is the end of civilization... Destroy their precious "karma," my
specters.
(The
four ghosts slowly line up facing the hipsters. Their expressions turn
sadistic, malevolent, and dark. Death takes his place right in the center.)
MISS
HATTIE (GHOST) I'll have these two for
dinner with a side of hot gumbo.
SARAH
(GHOST) We're about to give 'em a
voodoo welcome they'll never survive.
(Suddenly,
the lights flash into a sickly, swamp-like green and blue. The four ghosts, led
by an ominous step forward from Beau, advance all at once. Chad and Chloe
freeze mid-sentence. The air turns ice-cold, and their cheerful faces instantly
warp into absolute terror. They are paralyzed with fear, trapped by the
spirits.)
(DEATH
calmly walks to the front, stops right before the terrified hipsters, pulls up
a chair from the desk, and sits down with total composure. He produces an
invisible glass of sweet tea, takes a slow sip through an imaginary straw while
staring dead at the couple, and breaks the silence with a deep, booming,
terrifyingly sadistic laugh:)
DEATH (With a massive, roaring, guttural echo that shakes the theater)
HA-HA-HA-HA-HA... HAAA!!! 💀
(The
four ghosts smile with pure cruelty, closing in on their new victims as the
curtain drops instantly to a heavy bass drum hit.)
CURTAIN
THE END
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