THE KING
OF THE SHEEP
(The
mystery of the sheep, the sword, and the two potbellies)
Absurdist
Fairy Tale
By Benjamin
Gavarre
A
profound existential drama resolved, quite literally, at the bottom of a well.
Well, maybe it's just an absurd farce. Or maybe not.
CHARACTERS:
- BELA: The young bride. Sweet, naive, and pure of
heart.
- ADAM: The gentle and heroic suitor. Everyone
notices how extraordinarily handsome he is, and he does nothing but
politely agree.
- UNCLE BEN: An older man, kind and protective. Loves
sheep. Hides a great secret.
- BALTUS: Bela's evil stepfather. Fat, greedy, and
avaricious.
- GASTON THE BAD: The despicable suitor. Just as fat and evil
as Baltus, but much more deceitful.
(Staging
Note: The play has an absurd and highly theatrical tone. Set changes happen in
full view of the audience. The "guests" at the court and the wedding
are not actors, but painted wooden silhouettes mounted on easels that
stagehands move back and forth).
ONE-ACT
PLAY
SCENE 1:
THE STORM AND THE SACRIFICE
(The
stage is dark. A painted backdrop depicting a gloomy forest unrolls from the
ceiling. Loud thunderclaps, made by shaking metal sheets in the wings, ring
out. UNCLE BEN enters, struggling to walk, shielding BELA with an enormous
cape. In the background, a dramatic "Baaaa, baaaa!" of sheep
suffering in the storm can be heard).
BELA: (Trembling dramatically) Oh, Uncle Ben!
What a dismal forest! My friends ran to their houses, but you stayed to protect
me from the shadows!
UNCLE
BEN: (Looking
back in pain, reaching out toward the sound of the bleating) My poor little
sheep... I’ve left them out in the hail just to escort you home! But fear not,
Bela. No cardboard wolf or mud puddle shall touch your little shoes.
BELA: You are so good, Uncle Ben. Soon I will marry Adam
and everything will be happiness. My stepfather Baltus has already given us his
blessing.
UNCLE
BEN: (Squints
his eyes, mysteriously, as another thunderclap sounds) Mmmm... Baltus...
that man has a heart darker than the bottom of a dry well. Keep your eyes open,
child.
(Uncle
Ben leaves her in front of a wooden door held up by a stagehand and runs in
slow motion toward the opposite side, shouting, "Hold on, my woolly
friends!").
SCENE 2:
THE ANNOUNCED TRAGEDY
(Bright
lighting. Two stagehands remove the forest backdrop, revealing a backdrop with
golden columns. Other stagehands enter carrying easels with painted wooden
silhouettes representing the GUESTS, arranging them like grandstands in the
background. BALTUS, with an immense belly covered in fake jewels, stands on a
podium. ADAM smiles at Bela).
BALTUS: (Clearing his throat, with a raspy, evil voice)
Ladies, gentlemen, and wooden guests! Today is the announcement of my
stepdaughter Bela's wedding.
ADAM: (Steps forward, striking a heroic pose)
Here I am, future father-in-law! Ready to bring my kindness and protection to
the family.
(A
stagehand hidden behind the wooden figures speaks in a high-pitched woman's
voice, sighing: "Oh, but what a marvelously handsome boy!").
ADAM: (Runs his hand through his hair, nodding
politely) I appreciate the compliment, wooden lady. It is a natural gift, I
must admit.
BALTUS: (Laughs with a hoarse cackle) Silence, you
pretty little doll! Bela will not marry you! I call to the stage the most
deceitful, wealthy, and round man in the county... GASTON THE BAD!
(Enter
GASTON THE BAD, just as potbellied as Baltus, laughing uproariously while
picking his teeth with a gold toothpick. Bela bursts into tears, covering her
face).
GASTON
THE BAD: Hello,
gorgeous! Get ready to iron my giant shirts.
ADAM: (Furious, draws a wildly exaggerated, shiny
sword) Never! I, Adam, challenge you to a duel to the death, Gaston the
Bad! En garde!
(Adam
flourishes the sword very quickly, but clumsily trips. The sword flies out of
his hand and hits Gaston right in the belly. Gaston's eyes widen like saucers).
GASTON
THE BAD: (Clutching
his stomach, overacting brutally) Aaah! He has mortally wounded me! I feel
the cold steel! I'm going to die a Virgin! (Falls to his knees making a
tremendous scene).
BALTUS: (Bends down to check on him, frowning) Oh,
get up, you buffoon! It barely tore your vest and gave you a tiny scratch on
your belly button! A virgin?
GASTON THE BAD: (Looking at his belly) Ah! Really? Oh, thank goodness! No, the virgin thing is just an expression... ahem... I got confused. This was a deeply traumatic experience.
(Swoons dramatically into Baltus's arms).
UNCLE
BEN: (Watching
from a corner, only his head peeking out from behind a wooden guest) Ah,
tragedies can strike suddenly! The villain received nothing but a scratch,
but... he could have died, and a virgin!
(The
stagehands move the heads of the wooden guests up and down, nodding solemnly.
One of them laughs at the virgin part).
(Baltus
drags Gaston offstage. Two guards grab Bela, and a cardboard jail cell with
bars is lowered from the ceiling, locking her inside for all to see).
SCENE 3:
THE PLAN IN THE SHADOWS
(The
lights dim to a moody blue. Bela is behind the bars. Uncle Ben tiptoes in. Adam
follows right behind him).
BELA: Adam! Uncle Ben! How did you get past the guards?
UNCLE
BEN: I
offered them money... you know, everyone loves money! A little stash I had
saved up somewhere, hahaha! (Adam and Bela look at him with a "yeah,
yeah, we get it, how funny" expression). Listen: tomorrow is the
wedding. Bela, you will have to pretend to go along with it. When you are at
the altar, Adam, you will burst in and we will stop everything.
ADAM: That I will! I won't let them snatch you from my
side. Tomorrow justice, and my excellent profile, will triumph.
UNCLE
BEN: Well
said. Now sleep, for I must go tuck in a little lamb who is afraid of the dark.
SCENE 4: THE ALTAR, THE BELLY FIGHT, AND KING BEN, DEFENDER OF THE INNOCENT
(The
lights come up full blast. The stagehands quickly hoist the cardboard jail back
into the ceiling and place an altar center stage. The wooden guest figures are
flipped around and now display joyous wedding faces. Baltus, Bela, and Gaston
are at the altar. Just as Gaston is about to put the ring on Bela, Adam comes
running in).
ADAM: HALT! Stop the wedding! Bella, I love you too much
to leave you in the hands of this crook!
BALTUS: (Laughing uproariously) You're too late,
pretty boy! Gaston and I just signed the nuptial contract. His immense riches
and his lands will now be legally joined to mine.
GASTON
THE BAD: (With
a crooked smile) My riches? You mean YOURS, YOU WALKING TUB OF LARD! I
swapped the nuptial contract papers at the last second! The signature you just
stamped was to hand over your entire fortune to me!
BALTUS: WHAT?!... YOU WICKED SWINDLER.... YOU'RE THE
WALKING TUB OF LARD.
(Gaston
lunges at Baltus. A comical fight begins. Their bellies collide, making the
sound of a muffled drum. They pull each other's cheeks and roll around the
floor clumsily. Suddenly, a stagehand loses his balance and pushes a large prop
column that is about to fall right on top of Baltus).
BELA: (Running in slow motion, stretching her arms
toward him in a wildly melodramatic fashion) Oh, my wicked FAKE father! I
shall save you, father! Bad, bad stepfather, I will save you!
(Bela
pushes Baltus just in time and saves him, falling to the floor unharmed
herself. Everyone at the wedding, including the fighters, freezes in silence.
They stare at Bela, utterly confused).
BALTUS: (From the floor, panting) Bela... I was
going to sell you to this ruffian... I am the worst stepfather in the world.
Why did you save me?
BELA: (Shrugging, with pure innocence) I couldn't
let you get squashed, stepfather. I suppose it just came naturally to me.
ADAM: She is an angel, Baltus. Her heart knows no
resentment.
GASTÓN
THE BAD: Enough
of this sappy nonsense! Since I am now the owner of everything, I'm throwing
you all out into the street! You are entirely in penury! (Facing their
bewildered looks at the rare word 'penury') I mean that now you are all
poor... POOR!
(Uncle
Ben, who was watching from a corner, steps forward and blocks his path with
crossed arms).
UNCLE
BEN: I'm
afraid that contract is invalid, Gaston the Bad. Because neither Baltus nor you
are the true owners of these lands.
GASTON
THE BAD: Oh,
really? And who is the owner, old shepherd?
UNCLE
BEN: These
lands, this castle, and every last radish in the garden, are the exclusive
property of... The Vanished Ancient King!
BALTUS: But the King vanished many years ago without a
trace!
UNCLE
BEN: I
didn't vanish... (He slowly takes off his old, battered straw hat, revealing
a small but brilliant golden crown underneath) I left without saying
goodbye because I discovered I preferred the noble and silent art of herding
sheep! I am the King!
(Everyone
says AAAH OHHH in shock. The stagehands quickly spin the wooden guest
silhouettes around so they now display faces with their mouths open in an
"AHHH and OOOH" shape).
BALTUS
and GASTON: (Instantly
fall to their knees, trembling) Vanished Majesty! King defender of the
innocent! Mercy, oh great lord of the helpless giant sheep!
UNCLE
BEN: I shall
banish this pair of villains from the kingdom. Adam, you are the aggrieved
party. Tell them what their punishments shall be before they go.
ADAM: (Nodding gallantly... and checking his
fingernails while he thinks) Ummm. Ammm... They shall clean all the
latrines and the stinking drains. They will deep-clean the smelly, abandoned
wells... And they will bathe the filthiest pigs every Sunday!
GASTON
THE BAD: I will
never smell like a filthy pig!
(Gaston
jumps up and runs frantically across the stage. Baltus gets up and chases after
him).
BALTUS: Get back here! I'm not cleaning everything all by
myself! (Baltus chases Gaston. Gaston looks back as he runs and doesn't see
a circular stone wall simulating a well at the edge of the stage. They crash
into the well and both tumble headfirst inside. Only their chubby legs can be
seen kicking in the air).
GASTON
THE BAD: (Muffled
voice from inside) Your belly is crushing me! You ball of grease! You
walking pig!
BALTUS: (Muffled voice) Get your shoe out of my
nose, you old Virgin!
GASTON
THE BAD: I'M NOT
A VIRGIN, I SWEAR!
BELA: (Approaching the well) Good heavens! Should
we pull them out?
ADAM: They're clever enough when it comes to mischief.
I'm sure they'll figure a way out... eventually. Let them stay down there a
while and reflect. Maybe Gaston... No, no, that's saying too much.
EVA: (Laughs and makes supposedly obscene gestures)
Adam, you cheeky devil.
(Suddenly,
a SHEEP enters, played by an actor in a very obvious costume made of cotton
balls. It walks up to the King / Uncle Ben and affectionately butts him with
its head).
UNCLE
BEN: (Petting
the sheep) Well, you dirty-minded kids... evil is stuck at the bottom of a
well, and our kingdom is at peace again. How about you come with me and I'll
show you the two newborn lambs?
BELA: But... what about our wedding?
UNCLE
BEN: Ah,
there will be plenty of time to get married. You have to think these things
through. Besides, weddings in the palace give me allergies. Let's go!
(Adam
gallantly offers his arm to Bella. They both smile and follow Uncle Ben and the
sheep. Balthus and Gaston's feet continue to kick comically out of the well to
the rhythm of the final music).
CURTAIN
