Puss in Boots A Comedic Play for Adults and Children By Ben Gavarré

 

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Puss in Boots

A Comedic Play for Adults and Children

By Ben Gavarré

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Characters:

• Munlait: A pompous and pedantic critic, obsessed with "good taste."
• Divino: An snobbish critic, always searching for the "deeper meaning."
• Zaragoza: An eccentric and scattered critic, who embraces the absurd.
• The Author: A nervous and insecure novice playwright.
• Chorlito (Simpleton): The miller's son, a frustrated character longing for freedom.
• The Cat: A fairy in the form of a cat, manipulative and with his own plans.
• The King: A simple monarch, obsessed with food.
• The Princess: The King's daughter, sarcastic and tired of her "prize" role.
• Lackey-Shoemaker-Villager-Photographer: A supporting actor who transforms into different characters.

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In the Box Seat.

Munlait, Divino, and Zaragoza are seated in a box seat exaggeratedly close to the stage. Munlait and Divino are dressed in ridiculously elegant attire, while Zaragoza wears a wide-brimmed hat.

Munlait. (With an exaggerated French accent) Is this an children's play? Oh, mon Dieu. What an outrage against good taste.

Divino. Darling, please, that Gallicism is so 2024. It's already out of fashion.

Munlait. I'm sorry, I can't help it. I reiterate my doubt: is this a children's play?

Divino. It is, believe it. The author himself is behind the curtain. An amateur.

Zaragoza. (Drumming his fingers on the railing) I hear animal noises. They say there's a real cat and several live rabbits.

Munlait. (About to faint) For heaven's sake! Live animals on stage! And they're going to eat them? An outrage to art. It makes me want to make noise.

Divino. That's right, let's make some noise. Chaos is the prelude to criticism.

Zaragoza. Noise! Noise! Noise for good taste!

(A loud thump is heard from behind the curtain. The audience murmurs.)

Munlait. We'll have to make sure the play has a gender perspective. It is a fairy tale, after all. Since the 14th Amendment, it is mandatory.

Zaragoza. I'm concerned about the irresponsible use of animals.

Divino. It's about to begin.

Munlait. They haven't given any calls. This is a mess.

All. Noise, noise, noise!

(The lights go out. A spotlight shines on the Author, who rushes in and drops a folder of papers.)

The Author. (With a trembling voice) Ladies and gentlemen, please, we are about to begin. I beg you to…

Munlait. (From the box seat) Hey! You! Where did you get your education? Your appearance is... inappropriate!

Divino. He doesn't look like a playwright.

The Author. (Smiling shyly) Esteemed and cultured critics. I beg your patience. When I heard the noise, I got scared like never before. I am pale and trembling because, in truth, I have great respect for you.

Zaragoza. (Moved) He's a nice young man.

The Author. It is up to you whether my work will be condemned or applauded. Now, with your permission, we continue. Action!

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Scene 2: The Hutt and the Cat

(The lights reveal a miserable hut. Chorlito is sitting on the floor. The Author remains on stage, narrating.)

The Author. (To the audience) This is the humble abode of Chorlito, a young man who has been left with nothing.

Chorlito. Hey! I have something.

The Author. He and his brothers have inherited their father's few possessions. To the eldest, a cow. To the second, a pig. And to Chorlito…

Chorlito. (Interrupting) They left me a cat! And seven rabbits.

(The Cat, an actor dressed in boots, walks elegantly.)

The Cat. And not just any cat.

Chorlito. Cat, can you talk?

The Cat. All cats talk, but we're too lazy to talk to humans. They're very clumsy. Now, Chorlito, you'll get me some boots, I'll pretend to be a minister, and you'll marry the princess.

Chorlito. No, Cat. They say the princess is crazy and bitter. And I have no interest in getting married. Why would a fairy take the form of a cat? And why would she want boots? It's unethical.

(The Author looks frustrated. The critics laugh.)

Munlait. The character rebels! How original! The blunder makes sense!

Divino. This is interesting. The deconstruction of the story.

Zaragoza. The cat actually wants power.

(The Author approaches Chorlito, but the Cat stops him with his paw.)

The Cat. (To the Author) He doesn't want to.

The Author. But he has to! He's the hero of the story.

The Cat. (To the audience) This play is so predictable.

(An actor dressed as a Lackey enters.)

Lackey. (To the Cat) Master Cat, the King has sent you an invitation. And here are your boots.

(The Cat takes the boots, smells them, and puts them on with pride.)

Lackey. Oh, and the King tells me not to forget the rabbits.

The Cat. Tell His Majesty I'm already bringing six or seven. All cooked.

Chorlito. What is happening? I don't want to get married!

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Scene 3: The King's Palace

(Scene change. The Lackey makes a gesture. The hut moves to reveal a palace set. The King and Princess are sitting at the table. Chorlito and the Cat sit with them.)

Chorlito. I don't like this at all. I want to leave.

The Cat. Be quiet, Chorlito. This is a formal dinner. (To the King) Is the rabbit to your liking, my King?

The King. (With his mouth full) I haven't tried it yet, I'm still on the salad.

The Princess. (Rolling her eyes) Dad, please.

The King. (To Chorlito) Marquis of Carabas, it's a surprise that you haven't come to see me before.

Chorlito. I'm not a Marquis! I'm Chorlito, an orphan!

(The Cat kicks him under the table.)

The Cat. Sir, don't say that to him! He's just very modest.

The Author. (To the audience) This is not what I wrote!

Munlait. He doesn't want to! And she (pointing to the Princess) hasn't said a word. This is gender-based violence!

Divino. The Princess must speak!

Zaragoza. I want to hear from the Princess!

The Princess. (Stands up suddenly) I'm here! (Addresses the box seat) And I'm tired! What am I supposed to say? I don't want to get married! And I don't like Chorlito.

Chorlito. Well, I don't like you either!

The King. I just want my rabbits.

The Author. (In a whisper) Chorlito, Princess, please, the audience expects you to fall in love.

Chorlito. I no longer obey you. Author, tell me! Who are you, really?

The Author. Me? I'm the author. The one who writes the play.

Chorlito. What if I were the author?

(The spotlights turn on Chorlito. The Author's face breaks down.)

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Final Scene: The Triumphant Absurd

(The stage goes dark. When the lights return, Chorlito is sitting in the Author's chair and the Author is tied to a lectern. The Princess and the Cat seem happy.)

Chorlito. Now that's better. I am the author. And this play will have a final that I like.

The Author. This is a play, not a reality show!

Chorlito. (To the audience) Friends, we have decided to improvise. The Cat no longer wants to be a fairy, the Princess no longer wants to get married, and I no longer want to be the orphan.

Munlait. This is most irregular!

Divino. But it's such a... fresh proposal!

Zaragoza. Bravo! A plot twist!

The Princess. And I won't marry Chorlito just because the script tells me to. Dad, I'll only marry for love. And I don't know if I've found it.

The King. I just want my rabbits.

The Cat. (Takes off his boots, revealing slippers) Hey, you hack playwright. Did you really think this would end in the traditional way? How naive!

The Author. My characters have humiliated me!

The Cat. And they did it wonderfully, don't you think? Defeat is sometimes the best victory. You wanted a play that explored the absurd, didn't you? Well, here it is.

The Author. (Thoughtfully) I guess so. It's... magnificent. My characters freed me from the tyranny of the plot! I no longer have to worry about logic!

The Cat. Exactly. It was a catharsis for everyone! Especially for me, who hates predictable endings. My true dream was to be a common cat, a cat very comfortable in my slippers.

The Author. (With renewed energy) And I was freed from the tyranny of the plot! I no longer have to worry about logic! It's the perfect play of nonsense!

The Cat. Ready for the definitive ending?

(Chorlito and the Princess enter. The critics peek out. The Lackey enters as a photographer.)

Photographer. Excuse me, one last portrait! The grand finale!

The Princess. (To Chorlito) Since we're here, should we take a picture?

Chorlito. Deal! But I'll be nameless. Just Chorlito, the orphan.

The Author. (To the audience) And so, dear spectators, we have reached the conclusion of this unforgettable adventure!

The Cat. (Shouting from the Author's shoulder) We have defeated expectation! We have embraced chaos!

The Princess. And we have shown that characters have a voice!

The King. And my rabbits?

(Everyone laughs. The photographer takes position.)

Photographer. A smile, please!

(Munlait, Divino, and Zaragoza come down from the box seat and join the others. Munlait tries to correct the Princess's pose, Divino poses as if analyzing the "depth," and Zaragoza just smiles. The Cat has climbed onto the Author's head. Chorlito and the Princess hold hands.)

The Author. (With his arms wide open) And now, after this senseless journey, we have only one thing left to ask for!

The Cat. (Shouting) An applause!

The Princess. For chaos!

Chorlito. For freedom!

The King. For the rabbits!

All Characters. (Looking at the audience with a smile, the Author with a mix of pride and relief) Bravo! Bravo for this play! And bravo for you!

(The photographer takes the picture. At that instant, the lights go out. A final flash from the camera illuminates the stage for a second, capturing the image of all the characters, the Author, and the critics, laughing and applauding together in an unexpectedly happy and absurdly perfect ending.)

The End.