The Castle of Fools
(Theater, Hormones, and a Black-and-White Cookie).
By Benjamin Gavarre
The Castle of Fools (Theater, Hormones, and a Black-and-White Cookie)
What happens when Gen Z anxiety
collides head-on with old-school classical theater? Arthur is a hopelessly
romantic acting professor who breathes Molière, worships Shakespeare, and
treats Wi-Fi like dark magic. His classroom is a sanctuary invaded by a chaotic
ensemble of students: smartphone smugglers, over-the-top drama queens, irritating
acrobats, and a neurotic germaphobe hopelessly in love with the boy in the
damp, thrift-store sweater. Between sensory memory exercises, clandestine
texting, and a mysterious, mature romance on the other end of a booming 80s
ringtone, their routine flows with the rhythm of a well-rehearsed farce. But
when ruthless institutional bureaucracy threatens to liquidate their beloved
class for the sake of 'crypto-financial' profitability, this band of misfits
discovers that theater doesn't just live on the page. Armed with Meyerhold's
biomechanics, live Foley effects, Greek tragedy tears, and impeccable diction,
the professor and his students orchestrate the most absurd and heartwarming
student mutiny of their lives to defend their right to exist on stage. An endearing
farce about first love, artistic resistance, and the healing power of a
black-and-white cookie.
The Castle of Fools
(Theater, Hormones, and a Black-and-White Cookie)
by BENJAMIN
GAVARRE
CHARACTERS:
- ARTHUR (60 or older): Acting and Dramaturgy Professor. Wears a
frayed tweed jacket. A hopeless romantic of the old school. Modern
technology seems like dark magic to him.
- NICK (19): The "smart guy." Charismatic,
contraband smartphone smuggler, and the moral leader of the class.
- LEO (20): Obsessed with perfect diction and his GPA.
Wears a tailored blazer that is slightly too short. Neurotic,
a germaphobe, but secretly a massive romantic.
- BENNY (19): The "broke kid." Wears an oversized
thrift-store wool sweater. Extremely Zen, kind, and effortlessly poetic.
- CLAIRE (18): The drama queen. She acts out absolutely
everything she says with operatic exaggeration.
- PHIL (19): The invaluable tech guy. Does live Foley
(sound effects) using weird everyday objects. He is the only one who will
actually make a living in the industry.
- THE TWINS (DANNY and GABBY) (18): An acrobatic duo. They speak by finishing
each other's sentences. They communicate without looking at each other and
are marvelously irritating.
SETTING:
A suffocatingly beautiful classroom in a New
York liberal arts college, painted in irresistible pastel colors: mint,
lavender, and peach. There are no visible doors, just an archway covered in a
slightly hipster, organic ivy vine. Coat racks overflowing with hats, powdered
wigs, and wooden swords.
SCENE I: A Little Molière and a Little Contraband
(A tense rehearsal silence. ARTHUR stands at the
front, holding a battered paperback, declaiming passionately with his eyes
closed. Behind his back, the students are a hive of clandestine activity. NICK
pulls a smartphone from inside a prop boot and passes it to PHIL, who slides it
across the floor to CLAIRE).
ARTHUR
(With a booming voice) "Ah, human hypocrisy!" Molière tells us.
Tartuffe is not just a despicable monster. He is the mirror of our own lies. To
play him is to find the hypocrite we all carry inside... We are not innocent
little angels, believe me.
(Suddenly, a high-pitched electronic chime—a cell
phone notification—shatters the silence. The students instantly freeze in
statuesque poses. PHIL, in a ninja-like move, pulls out a comb and wax paper,
blowing into it to create a vibrating noise to cover the ping).
ARTHUR
(Opening his eyes) A paper kazoo? Phil, I admire the initiative, but
it doesn’t quite fit Molière... Perhaps a warmer sound... an oboe...
PHIL
It’s sensory memory, Professor. I wanted to
evoke the chirp of a cricket on a midsummer night. (He blows into the comb, making
a raspy trill).
ARTHUR
(Squinting) It sounds like a cricket with acid reflux. (The students laugh). A cricket that ate a bodega
chopped cheese at 3 AM. (They laugh louder).
Alright, that’s enough. Phil, put away that instrument of torture. Focus,
everyone. Stanislavski said it clearly: concentration of attention!
NICK
(Hiding the phone) Yes, Professor, but Stanislavski didn’t know the
anguish of modern captivity. Our angst is existential. It’s Sartre’s Nausea, but with a lagging 5G connection. We need to
exorcise our demons. A party! A rave!
ARTHUR
Oh, absolutely not! I can feel the static in
the air! You are connected to the Web! Do you know that is strictly forbidden
in my sanctuary?
CLAIRE
(Pressing the back of her hand to her forehead,
deeply offended) Professor! You wound
me! Our only connection is with the muses of Olympus!
ARTHUR
(Rubbing his temples) I’m sorry, kids. I just don’t understand your
world. Why do you want to be connected to cyberspace if it makes you miss the
here and now? Let’s make a deal: give me thirty minutes of absolute presence,
and then I’ll let you return to those infernal devices. Deal? (No one responds; they all stare blankly into the void).
Are you blowing me off? Ah, I see. You’re all on airplane mode. I can't take
this.
(Arthur sighs, gives up, and turns to write on the
chalkboard. Behind him, THE TWINS execute a silent, synchronized somersault to
pass a charging cable to LEO).
SCENE II: The Scent of Tragedy and Clandestine Love
LEO
(Straightens his tie, pulls out a mini hand
sanitizer, rubs his hands frantically, and raises his hand rigidly). Professor, forgive the interruption of your
creative process, but I must file a formal complaint with the Geneva
Convention. My concentration is being sabotaged by a biological attack.
ARTHUR
(Alarmed) A biological attack? Is there a new variant going
around?
LEO
(Pointing at BENNY, who is peacefully eating a
mandarin orange) Worse. Benny’s
sweater. It’s about to develop its own zip code from all the fungus. It smells
like... a damp Brooklyn basement. A mix of dirty dish rag and century-old
ramen. It is a direct assault on my Greco-Roman nasal cavities.
BENNY
(Swallowing a slice of orange, smiling sweetly). I’m sorry, Leo. I have six roommates and the dryer
broke. I had to hang it over the radiator next to the stove. It absorbed
yesterday’s stir-fry and the general melancholy of the neighborhood. It’s a
sweater with a biography.
ARTHUR
(Approaches Benny, sniffs the air from a distance,
and coughs slightly). Good heavens, Benny!
You do indeed smell of profound sadness. But wait! (His eyes light up).
This is pure gold! Olfactory memory! Leo, use the scent. Imagine you are a
disgraced nobleman locked in a damp dungeon... Richard the Second
in the Tower of London!
LEO
(Blushing deeply) With all due respect to the Bard, I don’t want to
be a nobleman in a dungeon! I want to be the leading man who rescues the
maidens! And I can’t do that if every time I take a breath, I taste rancid
onions. Move his seat, Professor! Or put him in a vacuum-sealed bag!
NICK
(Jumping nimbly onto a desk, grinning wickedly). Oh, Leo. The lady doth protest too much. (Pulls a crumpled paper airplane out of his pocket). I
intercepted this unidentified flying object today.
LEO
(Pale, hyperventilating) Nicholas! I demand you return that! It is private
intellectual property protected by copyright law!
NICK
Theater is a public art, Leo. Listen up,
everyone, this is contemporary poetry. (Reads with a deep, theatrical
voice). "Dear Benjamin..." (Benny looks up). "Your
damp smell was repulsive at first, I admit. But during these hours of
confinement, I discovered it isn't dampness... it is the scent of mystery. When
you passed me the pencil sharpener, I felt a short circuit they never taught us
in biomechanics. You are the chaos my order needs. Would you like to share my
crustless artisanal sourdough sandwich with goat cheese? Yours, in strict
alphabetical order... Leo."
(Absolute silence. CLAIRE stifles a squeal of
excitement. THE TWINS make a heart shape with their hands. PHIL plays a
romantic chime on a tiny music box).
BENNY
(Looking at Leo, melting) You cut the crusts off... for me?
LEO
(Sweating cold, red up to his ears). It was a creative writing exercise! An exploration
of opposites! The Prince and the Pauper! The Beauty and the... Vagabond!
ARTHUR
(Takes off his glasses, deeply moved). By the ghost of Chekhov...! This is beautiful. The
neurotic rich boy surrendering to the peaceful simplicity of the damp sweater.
It’s Commedia dell'arte live in the flesh! I want a ten-minute improvisation.
Right now!
LEO
(Covering his face with his hands) Ground, swallow me whole and spit me out in the
Hudson!
BENNY
(Pulling his chair closer to Leo's). I actually love goat cheese, Leo. And I promise
I’ll leave my sweater out in the sun tomorrow.
ARTHUR
Ah, love, my young friends! Love conquers
even the dampest of wools! You have my blessing. Though, Leo, buy him a bar of
Dr. Bronner's for your anniversary.
SCENE III: The Outside Mystery and the Lover's Call
CLAIRE
(Sighing dramatically) Oh, how romantic. But speaking of love,
Professor... my mom texted me. She said she met a lady, who is the cousin of a
friend, of the girlfriend... of the Professor. We didn't know you had a
girlfriend, Maestro!
TWIN 1: You break our hearts.
TWIN 2: We thought you were married to Greek tragedy.
ARTHUR
(Waving his hands frantically) Gossip! Baseless rumors! My private life is not
public. I live very peacefully with my two rescue dogs and...
(Suddenly, from the pockets of Arthur’s old tweed
jacket, a cheesy 80s power ballad—think Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of
the Heart"—starts blasting at full volume).
NICK
(With a devilish grin) Professor... is that cellular technology? With an
80s power ballad ringtone?
ARTHUR
(Panicking, he pulls out a smartphone, holds it
upside down, and mashes the buttons blindly). No! It’s... a gadget I confiscated from the
robotics department! A demonic artifact! Where is the volume crank?!
(The students burst into laughter, jump up, and
corner him, peeking over his shoulder at the screen).
CLAIRE
It says "Schmoopy" with an emoji of
a little duck blowing a kiss!
TWIN 1: The Professor has a girlfriend!
TWIN 2: And he’s a little duck!
ARTHUR
(Sweating, turning bright red, trying to shield the
screen with his body). Back away! Personal
space! You nosy gossips! (By mistake, his thumb hits the
green button and puts the phone on speaker).
ROMANTIC MALE VOICE (ON SPEAKER)
(A mature, sweet voice) Hey, Duckie. I stopped by the bakery to get those
black-and-white cookies you love. But you can only have half of one, you know
the gluten makes you bloated at night. Should I swing by the classroom later to
pick you up?
(The room falls dead silent. Leo and Benny look at
each other and smile. PHIL gently brushes his fingers across a tiny cymbal:
"tssss").
ARTHUR
(Pressing his face directly into the microphone) I can't talk right now, I'm in class, but yes,
I'll see you later! (Hangs up desperately). The... the
lines crossed. Happens all the time with the satellites.
NICK
Satellites don't buy pastries, Professor.
Tell "Schmoopy" to come up. We want to meet him.
CLAIRE
It was a man's voice! It’s a mature,
forbidden romance, just like in a Tennessee Williams play!
BENNY
Come on, Professor, spill. We’re your biggest
fans. How did you two meet?
ARTHUR
(Sighs, defeated but bearing a shy smile) Kids, I can't win with you. Sit down. I’ll share,
but if any of you laugh, I’m failing you all. His name is Charles. He’s a
CPA... and it’s a long story.
(Arthur sits down, emotional, and begins to tell
his story as the stage lights dim softly).
SCENE IV: The Forced Retirement and the
Stanislavski Mutiny
(Days later. ARTHUR walks into the classroom
dragging his feet. He drops his briefcase with a heavy thud. He collapses into
his chair, suddenly looking every bit of his 60-plus years).
ARTHUR
(With a hollow voice) That’s it. Bring down the curtain.
(The laughter instantly stops. The air grows
heavy).
LEO
(Worried) Professor? Can I get you a sparkling water?
ARTHUR
I just received a memo from the Dean. The
kind you can’t refuse. Starting Monday, the Theater department is being
liquidated. They’re turning this space into a lecture hall for "Crypto-Bro
Tech-Startup Seminars." No acting, no painting... nothing that makes noise
or isn't "monetizable."
CLAIRE
(Falling to her knees, tearing at her invisible
garments) No! Blind and deaf
destiny! They are clipping our wings mid-flight!
LEO
(In a total panic) This can’t be happening, Teacher! I need to be an
actor! I want to be the Romeo who climbs the ivy up to my Benny's balcony!
BENNY
(Offended in his acting pride) Hey, wait a minute. Stop stereotyping. Why do I
have to be the one waiting on the balcony who drinks the poison? What if we do Sleeping Beauty instead, and I’m the one who wakes you
from your eternal slumber?
LEO
(Looking deep into his eyes) If the kiss is yours, Benny, I swear to God I’ll
be the snoring princess. Zero labels.
NICK
(Standing up, solemn). Guys, all jokes aside. If the Professor leaves,
this sanctuary dies. Even if he’s half-crazy, he’s the only one who tolerates
Benny’s sweater, Claire’s dramatics, and my contraband. We have to demand they
keep the theater program!
BENNY
Professor... don't give up. Let's go to the
Dean's office. Bring Charles! Have him run the numbers on why art is
profitable!
ARTHUR
Charles already looked at the budget, Benny.
He says we’re the only department with zero overhead because our only supply is
our imagination... but you can't write off imagination on a tax return. Thank
you, kids. It has been an honor.
NICK
(With a brilliant, dangerous smile) Wrong, Maestro. You taught us that if the script
isn't working, you rewrite it. Company: Stage Contingency Plan, go!
(In a split second, the classroom explodes into a
perfect theatrical machine).
PHIL
(Pulling cables out of his backpack) I have backdoor access to the PA system. I can
pipe thunderstorm sound effects and wailing ghosts straight through the vents
into the Dean's office. It will be auditory psychological warfare!
CLAIRE
I will throw myself at the Dean's feet! I
will recite Medea’s monologues in the original Greek until he weeps in despair
and signs our renewal!
TWINS 1 AND 2
(Forming a human pyramid) We will barricade the office door with a human
blockade using Meyerhold's biomechanics! Nobody gets in, nobody gets out!
LEO
(Striking a heroic pose, grabbing Benny's hand) They may take our funding, but they will never
take... our perfect diction!
ARTHUR
(Hand on the invisible doorknob, he stops. His
lower lip trembles. He drops his briefcase and wipes his glasses). Stop! ... That... that was the most perfect
establishment of conflict I have seen all season. Claire, your motivation is
terrifying. Twins, excellent use of spatial awareness.
NICK
So what’s it gonna be, Profe? Are you staying
in the audience, or are you stepping on stage?
ARTHUR
(Standing up, majestic and reborn) If they close our classroom, we’ll make theater in
the hallways, in the quad, in the Dean's very own boardroom! To your marks,
company! We are going to perform the greatest scene of our lives!
(They all charge out of the room with Spartan
theatrical battle cries).
SCENE V: The Final Ovation
(The door bursts open. They all stampede back in,
panting, disheveled, but utterly euphoric).
CLAIRE
(Wiping real smeared makeup from her eyes) Did you see the Dean’s face when I threw myself on
the carpet to curse his ancestors in ancient Greek?!
TWIN 1: It was poetic.
TWIN 2: Especially when Phil blasted the Imperial March
over the intercom.
NICK
(Holding up an official piece of paper) The decree is signed, ladies and gentlemen. The
doors of the theater will remain open. At least until they expel us for
insanity.
ARTHUR
(Enters last, carrying a brown paper bakery bag. He
is glowing). You have successfully
applied Stanislavski, Molière, and urban guerrilla warfare in a single act. I
am so proud. Oh, and look who I ran into in the hallway... Charles sends his
congratulations on the mutiny.
(Arthur pulls out the black-and-white cookies and
begins passing them out to his students).
NICK
(Takes a bite of his cookie, walks to the doorway.
He looks out into the hallway, and calmly pulls the door shut, isolating the
classroom from the institutional noise). Honestly, Professor... it’s way too boring out
there. Besides, we still haven’t rehearsed the Act Two kiss between the
germaphobe rich kid and the lucky sweater.
LEO
(Blushing, but not letting go of Benny's hand). Nicholas, please! All in good time! (He pulls out his hand sanitizer). Benny, love, want to
sanitize your hands first?
BENNY
Whatever you say, my prince.
ARTHUR
(Smiling broadly, eating his half of the cookie). That’s the attitude! Art, hormones, and a good
pastry! To your marks, everyone! Phil, give me some epic romance music! And
turn off those devilish cellular devices!
(Phil pulls out his harmonica and plays a soft,
warm, absolutely perfect jazz melody. The students laugh, grouping together in
the center of the room, happy and safe in their beloved castle of fools).
CURTAIN
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