The Weight of Dog Years and Wise Leaves
By Benjamin Gavarre
gavarreunam@gmail.com
A One-Act Play
The Weight of Dog Years and Wise Leaves
A Play in One Act
CHARACTERS:
- CHARLES (35 years old): An "old young man." He wears baggy clothes and walks with a hunch, as if carrying centuries on his back. A perpetual bachelor and professor of classical literature.
- BONNIE (800 years): An actress wearing an elegant gray coat. Her movements are slow, precise, and wise. Her "woof" is a melancholy chant.
- LUNITA (3 years): A young, hyperactive actress dressed in caramel colors. She moves in jerks and gives little affectionate "nips" (gentle taps).
- BRAZILWOOD: A young actor, tall, handsome, and clumsy. He dresses in green and brown. He constantly trips over his own "roots."
- PEACE LILY (1350 years): An older actress with a white fan (representing the flower). Dramatic, demanding, like a silent film diva.
- AFRICAN VIOLETS (2 or 3 actresses): Standing very close together, wearing purple and green velvet. Snobbish, easily chilled, aristocratic, and whiny.
- ORCHID: An actress with impeccable posture, very tall, dressed in fuchsia. She has a haughty gaze and a sharp, brutally honest voice.
- CHARLES RELOADED: The same actor playing Charles, but standing tall, wearing neon athletic gear, with the attitude of a gym coach.
SCENE I: THE ECOSYSTEM OF SOLITUDE
(A minimalist stage. A couple of chairs, an imaginary window illuminated by a warm spotlight. Slow, melancholy jazz plays. Charles puts on his coat tiredly, as if it weighs a ton).
CHARLES: (Sighing deeply) Well, I'm off. Time to teach Greco-Roman literature to students who look at me like I'm a defective hologram. Be good. No parties. (He approaches the Peace Lily) Yes, Your Majesty, I already moved you two centimeters toward the light. Please don't do your wilting blackmail routine today.
(The Peace Lily breathes a sigh of relief, snaps her white fan open, and fans herself haughtily. Charles exits through the door clumsily, dragging his feet. A prolonged silence. The music shifts to a light, mysterious waltz).
PEACE LILY: (In a raspy voice) Finally! I thought he’d never leave with that cloud of sadness he carries. He sucks up all my oxygen.
SCENE II: THE MYTH OF THE MILLENNIAL FELINE AND THE DARK ARTS
(The door bursts open. Charles comes running back into the living room, agitated and muttering under his breath. He begins stuffing books clumsily into his briefcase, which he left on a chair. Lunita leaps around him while Bonnie watches from her corner. The plants watch closely).
CHARLES: (Talking to himself, highly focused, searching through the shelves) My mind is completely stuck in the third century BC! I forgot my notes... Today I'm going to dazzle them. Yes. I’ll tell them about Theocritus. A Syracusan poet. Most believe he only wrote pastoral poetry, but there are texts... rumors that he mastered the dark arts. Ancient magic. It’s fascinating.
PEACE LILY: (Snapping her fan shut, scandalized) Theocritus? Of course! Once, in my younger years, I had the misfortune of sharing a balcony with an arrogant black feline. It couldn't be any other way—all black cats think they're pharaohs.
VIOLET 1: Ugh, cats! What vulgar creatures.
PEACE LILY: This one claimed he was adopted in Alexandria and had learned black magic from Theocritus himself. If I’m old, just do the math... third century BC... that infernal beast would be about two thousand three hundred years old today! And he spent his time threatening that, one day, he would put all us vegetables in our place with a spell.
BRAZILWOOD: (Puffing out his chest, bragging) Poppycock! Let that mummified cat come! If he dares step into this pot, I’ll smash him with my Tyrannosaurus strength. One strike from this prehistoric wood and I’ll knock the magic right out of him. I am a green warrior! (He takes a false step and almost falls).
LUNITA: (Tugging at Charles's pants persistently) Woof! Mister Chicken-Giver! What's a cat? Is it like a squirrel but with magic? Can we have one! I want a cat so I can practice biting its ears!
BONNIE: (Standing up majestically, interrupting Lunita) Silence, naive pup. No cat will ever step foot in this house. They are our worst enemies. They are darkness incarnate in flexible form. I met one on the streets... it was yellow. It was completely unhinged. It would stare directly at you, and you could feel it stealing your soul right through your eyes.
LUNITA: (Surprised) Does the soul taste like kibble?
CHARLES: (Holding his head in his hands, driven desperate by the barking, the pant-tugging, and the intense rustling of leaves he swears he hears) Enough! Please! Silence! Why is there suddenly so much noise in this house? It’s impossible to review the classics with this headache! I’m leaving!
(Charles grabs his briefcase with his notes and practically flees. He slams the door shut).
BRAZILWOOD: He fled. He was definitely terrified of my Tyrannosaurus fury.
PEACE LILY: He fled because he is a coward. But let me tell you one thing... two-thousand-year-old cats do not forgive. And if it learned the dark arts from Theocritus, it could be anywhere. It could be that smudge on the wall.
(Everyone stares at the wall with suspicion. Lunita, eyes wide, tiptoes to the front door and sits facing it, pressing her nose against the wood).
BONNIE: What are you doing there, Lunita?
LUNITA: (Without taking her eyes off the door, wagging her tail slowly) I’m waiting for the unhinged yellow cat. Or the two-thousand-three-hundred-year-old magic cat. It’s going to come. I know it. And I'm going to bite its ear.
SCENE III: THE ARISTOCRACY OF CHLOROPHYLL
(The light fades on Lunita and illuminates the plants' area).
BRAZILWOOD: (Stepping forward, almost tripping, adopting a heroic pose) I understand the cosmos. Because we, before we were wood, were... solidified light. Yes. And before that, dinosaurs. I feel a Tyrannosaurus Rex running through my sap. I am imposing!
AFRICAN VIOLETS: (In unison, rubbing their arms) Oh, it's so cold! How vulgar!
VIOLET 1: We come from exotic lineages.
VIOLET 2: We demand an exact ambient humidity of sixty-four percent.
VIOLET 3: And this peasant we have for an owner gave us tap water yesterday. Tap water! I nearly fainted.
BRAZILWOOD: (Ignoring them) A Tyrannosaurus, I swear it. Sometimes, at night, I get the urge to bite the couch.
SCENE IV: BOTANICAL ROMANCE AND CANINE CONFUSION
(The light shifts to a dreamy, romantic greenish-blue tone. A seductive saxophone plays, though it occasionally goes comically out of tune. Bonnie sleeps peacefully. Lunita chews an invisible toy in a corner).
BRAZILWOOD: (Smoothing his imaginary leaves, adopting a soap opera heartthrob pose, and leaning dangerously toward the Violets, nearly losing his balance) Hey, ladies... I’ve been watching how the sunset light brings out that purple hue in your petals. It’s... intoxicating.
AFRICAN VIOLETS: (In unison, fanning themselves with their hands, feigning disinterest but clearly flattered) Oh, please! What nerve!
VIOLET 1: Though I must admit, your trunk is very firm.
VIOLET 2: And your height commands respect.
VIOLET 3: (Sighing) So different from the plebeian cacti in the hallway.
BRAZILWOOD: (Feeling like a winner, dropping his voice to a deep, seductive tone) How about one of these days we bring our pots together? Share a little soil, intertwine a couple of roots... I invite you to my corner by the bookshelf. But I must warn you... (He raises a finger) if you accept, no taking baths.
AFRICAN VIOLETS: (They freeze, the saxophone makes a horrific screeching noise and stops) What?!
BRAZILWOOD: You heard me. Zero water. Zero showers. Excess humidity rots my roots and ruins the romance. I like love au naturel, dry, with the scent of arid earth and a jurassic male. Zero baths!
AFRICAN VIOLETS: (They draw back in horror, crossing themselves botanically)
- VIOLET 1: Gross!
- VIOLET 2: How disgusting! What a savage!
- VIOLET 3: We demand purified mist! Be gone, you caveman of sawdust!
(The Violets turn their backs on him, insulted. The Brazilwood shrugs, offended, and returns to his rigid pose).
LUNITA: (Who has been watching all this, tilting her head from side to side, jumps up and shouts to the Brazilwood in solidarity) WOOF! I feel you, green brother! I never want to take a bath either! Soap is from the devil! Long live filthy love!
(Bonnie opens one eye, looks at Lunita with absolute secondhand embarrassment, lets out a heavy sigh, and closes it again. Lunita walks to the center of the stage, very determined, and stares at the door Charles left through).
LUNITA: I just don’t understand the grown-up world! There are too many rules! The water, the two-thousand-year-old cats, the rawhide chews! You know what? When the Chicken-Giver comes back, I’m going with him. Yes! I want to go to this "university" place! I’m going to sit in a human chair and I’m going to learn things! I’ll learn how to add up kibble and understand why love is gross if you don't take a bath! I have spoken!
(Lunita sits down firmly, crossing her arms, looking highly dignified. Bonnie opens one eye, looks at her with tenderness, and goes back to sleep).
SCENE V: TRUTHS FROM THE ORCHID
(Charles enters again, carrying grocery bags and small sacks of soil. The dogs wake up but stay lying down, watching).
CHARLES: (Talking to himself, pouring soil into imaginary pots) The violets are such a headache, honestly. But you... (He approaches the Orchid, who has been standing still like an ice statue). You are impossible. My crystal orchid. You need pine bark, moss, peat, and I practically have to sing to you in Aramaic just to keep your buds from dropping. Why are you all so difficult?...
ORCHID: (Takes a step forward, imposing, looking down at Charles. Her voice is icy and flawless) We are difficult? The one who needs a bit of everything is you, you clumsy caretaker. You are a sack of water and loneliness. Look at you. Thirty-five years old and you're fossilized. You see no one. You flee from your own species. You’re going to dry up inside here, you’ll wither before any of us do, and not even your annoying dogs will know what to do with your dust.
LUNITA: (Jumps up suddenly and barks furiously at the Orchid) Woof! Don't talk to the Chicken-Giver like that! Woof, woof!
ORCHID: (With a simple flick of her hand) Silence, you hyperactive, defective flea!
PEACE LILY: (Banging her fan on the floor) Silence in the room! You're stressing me out, my leaves are bending!
BRAZILWOOD: (Clapping foolishly) Bravo! What drama! What botanical intensity!
CHARLES: (Feeling the chaos, clutching his head) There is so much noise in this house today! Let's go outside, dogs, quickly!
SCENE VI: BELLY PHILOSOPHY AND JEALOUSY
(Back in the apartment after a walk. The lighting is intimate. Charles is sitting on the floor. Bonnie is by his side. Charles is rubbing her "belly").
CHARLES: You know, Bonnie... I've been thinking. (Bonnie looks at him deeply). The meaning of life, the real one, isn't about transcending. It's not about writing the great book or having children. The meaning of life is simply... contemplation. Being here. Being the silent witness of time.
BONNIE: (Lifts her head toward the ceiling and lets out a melancholy, beautiful howl, agreeing with him).
CHARLES: (Smiles, enlightened) Exactly! You get me. I knew you’d understand. Such a wise dog...
(Lunita comes skidding in, bumps Bonnie aside with her hip, and wedges herself into Charles's arms).
LUNITA: (Jealous) I contemplate too! I contemplate flies! Rub my belly! Tell me I'm wise! Wise and caramel-colored!
AFRICAN VIOLETS: Please, what a shameful display!
PEACE LILY: A complete lack of class!
BRAZILWOOD: I want someone to rub my leaves!
CHARLES: (Overwhelmed) Alright, alright, okay. Enough cheap philosophy for today! Bedtime, everyone.
SCENE VII: UPSTAIRS (AND THE GREAT LOOP)
(The lights dim almost to total darkness. Only a midnight blue tone remains. Suddenly, a sharp, heavy, and OBVIOUS thud comes from the upper floor).
(All the plants tense up. Bonnie and Lunita jump up instantly, growling toward the ceiling).
CHARLES: (Trembling, but this time with a different look—one of sheer exhaustion) Enough. I’m tired. I’m tired of being afraid. Of being alone and being afraid.
(Charles grabs his umbrella. He walks toward the invisible stairs. Bonnie and Lunita walk pressed against his legs. They ascend slowly to the rhythm of surreal music).
CHARLES: (Reaching the top, he looks toward a bright spot that the audience cannot see. He lowers the umbrella. His face relaxes completely. He smiles).* Ah... it’s you. (The bright spot illuminates Charles's face). It’s been so long. Come on in.
BONNIE: (A low howl of farewell and understanding)
LUNITA: (Unafraid, curious) Woof?
(Charles, Bonnie, and Lunita take a step into the light. A flash envelops them, and in a blink of darkness, they DISAPPEAR from the stage).
(The light returns to the apartment, maintaining the blue tone. The plants are alone. The silence is dense).
VIOLET 1: Did you see that?
VIOLET 2: He disappeared.
PEACE LILY: They took him. They took all three of them. I knew that utility room door was a portal. I told a fern back in 1998.
BRAZILWOOD: But... what about us now? He didn't water me!
ORCHID: (With melancholy) Who will pay attention to us now? Who will tell me that I'm difficult?
VIOLET 3: We're going to dry up! I demand a lawyer!
(Suddenly, the deadbolt on the front door clicks. The plants freeze, expectant. The doorknob turns slowly. The door creaks open. The NEW TENANT [Charles Reloaded] enters. He walks upright, chest out, stepping heavily. He wears tight, neon athletic clothes and carries a gym bag over his shoulder. He radiates a hyperactive vibe).
CHARLES RELOADED: (Dropping his bag, looking around) Wow! What is this place? Why are there so many plants here? It looks like the Amazon rainforest! Let's see where I can put my protein shake with all these branches in the way.
(A soft but powerful electrical hum is heard coming from the stairs. Charles Reloaded turns around. BONNIE and LUNITA descend majestically. They no longer walk like dogs or act like them. They walk fully upright, owning the place. Bonnie adjusts her gray coat. Lunita is chewing gum).
CHARLES RELOADED: (Backing up a step, startled) Oh, wow! Who are you? The lease didn't say anything about... roommates.
BONNIE: (Stops in front of him, looks him up and down with severity, and speaks with flawless, cold, authoritative human diction) Listen to me, mister. You are going to behave yourself.
CHARLES RELOADED: (Jaw dropped) You talk?
LUNITA: (Approaching him, giving his knee a sharp tap) Of course we talk, tough guy! And drop the ego.
BONNIE: (Taking a step forward, slightly cornering Charles Reloaded) Listen well. I don’t care what you think you are with that attitude, but let me make this very clear: this house belongs to the plants. We are just executive supervision.
CHARLES RELOADED: (Trembling) Of... of the plants?
BONNIE: Exactly. So get to work. What are you anyway, a gym coach, judging by the clothes?
CHARLES RELOADED: Uh... yeah, I teach CrossFit classes...
BONNIE: Well, get to work, Mr. CrossFit. That Peace Lily is three hundred and fifty years old and she isn't going to water herself. Move it!
LUNITA: And then you serve me chicken! With kibble! And make it fast, I get bored! Woof! (The "woof" sounds sarcastic, very human).
(Charles Reloaded, terrified and confused, nods frantically. He grabs an imaginary watering can and runs toward the Brazilwood, trembling).
BRAZILWOOD: (In a low voice, just for the violets to hear) I like this new guy. He looks like he’s actually afraid of Tyrannosauruses.
(Bonnie and Lunita cross their arms in the center of the stage, smiling triumphantly at the audience while Charles Reloaded runs back and forth watering the pots. The music changes to a fast, upbeat mambo).
(Blackout).
SCENE VIII: THE RETURN OF ROLES (AND THE BROCCOLI TERROR)
(The apartment light returns, but with the fluorescent gym hue established in the previous scene. Charles Reloaded [the coach] is in the background, vigorously doing push-ups in front of the Peace Lily, who looks at him with disdain. In the foreground, Bonnie and Lunita are back in their "roles," lying in their beds. Bonnie rests with the elegance of a sphinx. Lunita chews a plastic toy frantically).
LUNITA: (Dropping the toy suddenly, looking at the ceiling thoughtfully) Hey, magic wolf...
BONNIE: (Without opening her eyes, sighs heavily) What do you want now, creature of sugar and chaos?
LUNITA: I didn't have a roof before. I lived inside a tire. It was hard, black, and smelled like smoke. I was very cold and ate ugly bugs. But then Charles took me out of there. He carried me, said soft things to me, and gave me chicken. That's why I love him. Even if he does push-ups now and wears clothes that hurt my eyes.
BONNIE: (Opens one eye, looks at her with a mix of pity and tenderness) Oh, my little caramel beast. A tire. How picturesque. I have lived in so many houses I’ve lost count. Mansions with huge gardens, dirt yards, apartments with expensive rugs. And I escaped from all of them.
LUNITA: (Wide-eyed) Why? Didn't they give you chicken?
BONNIE: They gave me everything. But humans are exhausting, Luna. They are fickle. One day they love you, and the next they ignore you because they have something called an "existential crisis." But then... I met this one. Charles. In all his versions.
LUNITA: (Tilting her head) All his versions? But the Mister Chicken-Giver is just one person. Well, he is more stretched out now.
BONNIE: (Sits up, adopting a solemn posture) Listen to me well, pup. I’ve already been up there. In that servant's room. I’ve crossed the door of light more times than you can count. And every time they call us and we come back, they change. He is the same Charles in essence. His soul is good, clumsy, and he needs us so he doesn't go crazy from loneliness. But the packaging mutates. He used to read Theocritus and cry for the Greeks... and now... look at his biceps.
LUNITA: (Wagging her tail) It doesn't matter! I am still little! They didn't change me. And since I am little and pretty, surely he will come right now and give me my little can of tuna. I love tuna! Tuna, tuna, tuna!
(Charles Reloaded jumps up, wiping his sweat with a small towel. He approaches them with two bowls, smiling with overflowing and alarming energy).
CHARLES RELOADED: Nutrition time, alpha team! Come on, let's recharge those muscles!
LUNITA: (Jumping) Woof! Tuna! Chicken! Whatever, just drop it already!
CHARLES RELOADED: (Raises a finger, like a fitness guru) Hold it right there, little warrior. Zero canned tuna. Zero. Do you know how much mercury that has? Those are dirty macros. It will ruin your coat and your cardiovascular performance.
LUNITA: (Confused) Mer-cu-what?
CHARLES RELOADED: That's why your new coach prepared something much better for you. Pure fiber! Vitamins! Green power! (Places the bowls on the floor. They are filled with little green trees). Steamed broccoli with no salt!
(The plants on the shelves react immediately with sheer horror).
BRAZILWOOD: (Stumbling backward in his pot) Wait a minute! Those are miniature trees! This guy is a psychopathic lumberjack! He is eating our cousins from the orchard!
PEACE LILY: (Fanning herself at top speed, looking at Charles) What botanical vulgarity! Boiled and unsalted. They don't even have flowers, what a lack of respect!
AFRICAN VIOLETS: Murderer! Barbarian!
LUNITA: (Approaches, sniffs the broccoli, takes a little bite, chews twice, and violently spits it all out) GROSS! What is this tragedy?! It tastes like a sad plant! I want chicken! Give me back my Charles who gave chicken!
CHARLES RELOADED: (Crouching, trying to be motivational) Come on, Luna, it’s all mental. Taste is a social construct. You have to chew the chlorophyll to be a winner. Let's see you, Bonnie, set the example.
(Charles Reloaded tries to move the bowl closer to Bonnie. Bonnie takes a step back, keeping exactly two meters of distance. Her gaze turns icy, almost demonic. She doesn't bark. She speaks with her perfect and intimidating human diction).
BONNIE: Dare to put that green abomination less than a meter from my snout, and I swear by the blood of my Siberian ancestors that I will not stop howling in your left ear all through the night. I will drive you insane before dawn.
CHARLES RELOADED: (Swallowing hard, terrified. Slowly backs away hugging the bowls) O-okay... okay. Understood. I respect nutritional boundaries. Broccoli isn't for everyone. It's... it's an acquired taste.
BONNIE: You eat it. Show us your green power.
CHARLES RELOADED: (Trembling under the scrutinizing gaze of the wolf and the puppy) Y-yes. Sure. It's... super healthy. Winners eat green.
(Charles Reloaded grabs a piece of broccoli with a trembling hand and puts it in his mouth. He starts chewing. Immediately his face contorts into a grimace of profound disgust. He makes a superhuman effort to swallow it, holding back gags).
CHARLES RELOADED: (With a high-pitched voice and watery eyes) Delicious... Pure fuel... gross...
(Luna laughs with high-pitched barks. Bonnie simply lies down again, closing her eyes with satisfaction and majesty).
BONNIE: Go get the chicken, human. And make it chicken breast.
Pause (One second)
SCENE IX (FINAL): THE LEASH EFFECT
(Silence in the room. Charles Reloaded coughs, wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. Suddenly, his expression changes. He drops the act. He lets out a genuine, warm laugh, much more like the original Charles).
CHARLES RELOADED: (Taking a deep breath, with a relaxed voice) Ok, ok. You win. Broccoli is a tragedy. I'm not a fool, you know... I know exactly what you want. And I know what I need.
(Charles walks to a coat rack. He reaches into the pocket of his sports jacket and pulls out two nylon leashes. The leashes make a loud, clear metallic jingle. Luna and Bonnie freeze instantly).
CHARLES RELOADED: Outside. Park!!! No blackmail. No broccoli. Just us.
(Luna explodes like a firework, jumping on her two feet and running around the sofa like a human hurricane).
LUNA: OUTSIDE! THE WALK! SQUIRRELS! ORANGE CATS,,,, SQUIRRELS!!!! MISTER CHICKEN-GIVER AND WALKS! WOOF, WOOF!
(Bonnie, who was maintaining her majestic and intimidating "centennial wolf" posture, hears the metal of the leashes. Her eyes widen. The sophistication crumbles in a second. She opens her mouth, pants happily, gives a clumsy jump, and loses all glamour).
BONNIE: (With a high-pitched and completely ordinary bark, bouncing ridiculously next to Luna) OH, YES, YES, YES! THE LEASH! LET'S GO, LET'S GO, LET'S GO! PARK! PEEING OUTSIDE! TREES!
BRAZILWOOD: Hey!!!
CHARLES RELOADED: (Holding the leashes up, trying to reach them) Wait! Come here! You can't go out without your leashes! It's the law!
(Bonnie and Luna start running away from Charles in circles all over the room, celebrating, completely refusing to stand still. They are fully upright, running like humans but with frantic dog energy. Charles chases them, getting tangled and tripping over everything. The plants shout as if they were at a sports match).
AFRICAN VIOLETS: That's it, girls! Run!
PEACE LILY: Clumsy! Clumsy human!
BRAZILWOOD: I bet 100 on Luna! Go, go, go!
CHARLES RELOADED: (Dodging an armchair) Bonnie, stop! Luna, please! The police are going to arrest me!
LUNA: (Spinning) You can't catch us! We are the wind!
ORCHID: (Shouting) What an idiot! And he calls himself a Coach!
BONNIE: (Jumping over a cushion) To total anarchy!
PEACE LILY: Jump, girls, doggy liberation...! Do what I can no longer do!
AFRICAN VIOLETS: Leave happy! And don't come back!
BRAZILWOOD: You are my hero, Bonnie! I'm going too! Take me out! Me too... (Cries out of sadness and helplessness) Fine, I'll stay.
(Everyone looks at Brazilwood affectionately and makes gestures of solidarity. Charles makes a superhuman effort, dives comically over the sofa, and manages to catch a corner of Bonnie's coat and Luna's arm).
CHARLES RELOADED: (Panting, managing to secure the leash clips) Gotcha! Oof... by the power of cardio... I've got them! Let's go!
(As soon as they feel the clip on, Luna and Bonnie don't stop; on the contrary, they sprint toward the exit at top speed, dragging Charles behind them as if he were a human sled).
LUNA: SQUIRRELS, HERE WE COME!
BONNIE: RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
BRAZILWOOD: (Waving his branches) Luna, bring me a piece of squirrel... or a branch!... Have fun!
(Amidst absolute chaos, barking, laughter, and Charles being ridiculously dragged on his feet, the three shoot out the door. The door slams shut violently: BANG!).
(Sudden and absolute silence in the room. The plants are left alone, swaying slightly from the gust of wind).
AFRICAN VIOLET 1: Such peace.
AFRICAN VIOLET 2: Too much peace.
PEACE LILY: (Opens her fan slowly, sighing) Well... does anyone know what time they serve water in this asylum?
(TOTAL BLACKOUT)
The Weight of Dog Years and Wise Leaves © 2026 by BENJAMIN GAVARRE is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 4.0
Post-credit SCENE:
LUNA & BONNIE
ABSURD TIME
LUNA & BONNIE: ABSURD TIME. © 2026 by BENJAMIN GAVARRE is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 4.0
(Dimly lit stage. A clock ticks arrhythmically. No one else is in the room but Bonnie and Luna. They speak into the void, jumping from one idea to another, responding to each other from completely disconnected logic).
LUNA: Catch me, catch the caramel puppy! I am the wind! I am a distracted bird! Woof, woof!
BONNIE: (Panting very elegantly, leaning against a chair) Enough... child. Bones have memory, and mine remember the Ice Age.
LUNA: Why, why, why do you get tired? You are the magic wolf!
BONNIE: (Looking out the window) One hundred years old am I... and he thinks I am four. I let myself be adopted because I saw his picture and knew he needed me more. His life is senseless. We must find him a partner.
LUNA: Sausage things?
BONNIE: (Sits down, solemn) Look, child. Listen to me well. I am a hundred years old. I have seen generations pass. And I know things. Great things. Things about the universe, Luna. Charles's loneliness is no accident. There are forces... presences watching us from above. Beings that come, take a peek, and leave. The world is not this living room.
LUNA: Oh, no! We are not alone! They’re going to come take us to the shelter! I don’t want to go back to the street! I don’t want to hunt insects! I behave well, I chew my rawhides, I don’t chew shoes!
BONNIE: (Hugs her tenderly) Shhh, calm down, my little beast. It’s not the shelter. It’s the mystery of life. But you are still too much of a puppy to understand the melancholy of the cosmos.
LUNA: Woof! Let’s see, let’s see, let’s see... What does all this mean? The tall tree wants a girlfriend but doesn't want to bathe. The purple flowers scream gross. Bonnie talks about the universe and Charles is afraid of the neighbors.
BONNIE: (Whispering to the audience) Look at her, walking a Golden Retriever. She's perfect. Go, Charles!
LUNA: Woof! Don’t talk to Mister Chicken-Giver like that! Woof, woof!
BONNIE: What are you doing over there, Luna?
LUNA: (Without looking away from the door, wagging her tail slowly) I’m waiting for the deranged yellow cat. Or the magic two-thousand-three-hundred-year-old cat. He’s coming. I know it. And I’m going to bite his ear.
BONNIE: (Rising majestically, interrupting Luna) Silence, naive pup. No cat shall ever step foot in this house. They are our ultimate enemies. They are darkness incarnate in flexibility. I met one on the streets... it was yellow. It was completely deranged. It stared at you, and you could feel it stealing your soul through your eyes.
LUNA: Does a soul taste like kibble?
BONNIE: (Lifts her head to the ceiling and lets out a melancholic, beautiful howl, agreeing with the empty space).
LUNA: I contemplate too! I contemplate the flies! Rub my belly! Tell me I’m wise! Wise and caramel-colored!
BONNIE: (Stops in front of an invisible point in the air, looks it up and down with severity, and speaks with perfect, cold, authoritative human diction) Listen to me. You are going to behave yourself.
LUNA: Woof! Mister Chicken-Giver! What is a cat? Is it like a squirrel, but with magic? Can we get one? I want a cat to play with and bite its ears!
BONNIE: (Taking a step forward, slightly cornering the invisible figure toward the plants) Listen to me very carefully. I don't know who you think you are with that attitude, but I’m going to make this very clear: this house belongs to the plants. We are merely the executive supervision.
LUNA: Of course we talk, muscle-boy! And tone down your delusions of grandeur.
BONNIE: Exactly. So get to work. What are you, a gym trainer, judging by the little outfit?
LUNA: I do not understand the grown-up world! There are too many rules! The water, the two-thousand-year-old cats, the rawhide chews! You know what? When the Mister Chicken-Giver comes back, I’m going with him. Yes! I want to go to that university! I’m going to sit in a human chair and I’m going to learn things! I’ll learn to add up kibbles and understand why love is gross if you don't take a bath! I have spoken!
BONNIE: Well, get to work, Mr. Crossfit. Because that Peace Lily is three hundred and fifty years old and she isn't going to water herself. Move!
LUNA: Woof?
LUNA: And then serve me chicken! With kibble! But make it fast, I’m getting bored! Woof! (The "woof" sounds wildly sarcastic, very human).
BONNIE: (Lets out a soft howl of farewell and understanding toward the audience).
(Total blackout).
LUNA & BONNIE: ABSURD TIME. © 2026 by BENJAMIN GAVARRE is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 4.0
