The Miser of Silver Lake)
By Benjamin Gavarre
bengavarre@gmail.com
The Miser of Silver Lake breathes
fresh, absurd life into the timeless trope of the penny-pincher, relocating the
classic farce to the epicenter of Los Angeles gentrification. In this
fast-paced adaptation, the universal anxieties of wealth and status are
filtered through the lens of LA hustle culture, crypto-debts, and organic
wellness fads. Percy, a fifty-something holding desperately onto his youth and
his wallet, navigates a hilarious downward spiral of physical comedy,
sleepwalking kleptomania, and sage-induced trances. By contrasting Percy’s
paranoid cheapness with the icy, hidden “old money” wealth of his British
daughter-in-law, the play dissects modern capitalism and family dynamics with
razor-sharp wit. Designed for agile staging and an engaged modern readership,
the script relies heavily on slapstick timing and the delightfully deadpan
“Garys” serving as a working-class Greek chorus. It stands as a vibrant
addition to contemporary digital playhouses, proving that greed and familial
dysfunction remain universally ridiculous across any border or language.
CHARACTERS:
PERCY:
50-something holding onto youth and his wallet. Wears a faded designer vintage
suit.
HELEN: His
practical, exasperated ex-wife.
PRESTON: The
son. An armchair life-coach and psychoanalyst.
VICTORIA: The
British daughter-in-law. Secretly the heiress to a real estate empire.
GARY PRIME: The
original, street-smart handyman.
GARY TWO & GARY
THREE: Dim-witted apprentices.
Directorial Notes and Stage Directions (Physical
Farce and Slapstick)
Directorial Notes and Stage Directions (Physical
Farce and Slapstick)
To enhance the visual comedy on stage and underscore the farcical moments, the stage directions must establish a radical contrast between Percy's hysteria and the normalcy with which the rest of the characters accept his madness.
- The Miser's Walk: Percy must move with quick, short steps, his torso leaning forward, as if his body wants to arrive before his feet to catch a coin in mid-air.
- Dreamlike Transitions (The "Little Box" Effect): Every time Percy smells the sage, the lighting change should be a one-second "cut to black," followed by surreal violet or amber overhead lighting. A sound effect (an out-of-tune harp or a reversed cymbal) marks the entrance into the trance.
- The Canapé Table: During the trance, the props must be exaggerated. The canapés can be painted sponges (so that when he shoves them in his pockets, they bounce comically or squirt "juice"). The water pitcher he empties into his suit jacket should have a hidden mechanism or be filled with shiny blue confetti that falls in slow motion.
- The Garys as a Greek Chorus: The three Garys must move almost as a unit. If Prime Gary points to the left, the other two turn their heads a second later. When they play volleyball with the cabbage, their jumps must be in slow motion with exaggerated sports technique, contrasting with the main dialogue
SETTING:
A visually divided stage. Left: A weathered door
frame marked "Ground Floor, Silver Lake, LA." Right: A rooftop with
an exposed fuse box and a clothesline draped with graying yoga pants.
The Miser of Silver Lake
(SCENE 1: THE HUMAN SHIELD)
(Helen, in a silk robe, opens the left door. Gary
Two and Gary Three stand there wearing fake "Los Angeles Department of
Water and Power" hats).
HELEN: For
the eighth time this morning, no! I don't care if the meter is broken, and I
don't want to buy your organic CBD dog treats!
(She slams the door. The two Garys strip off their
hats and run to the right side of the stage, climbing up to the
"Rooftop." Percy is up there with Gary Prime, clutching a
calculator).
HELEN: (Yelling upward) Percy! I am calling my lawyer! You
moved me into the ground floor apartment claiming "stairs erode the knee
cartilage." Lies! You’re using me as a human shield! I’ve spent three
hours fighting off Amazon drivers, TikTok influencers filming in our driveway,
and the crypto-bros coming to collect your debt!
PERCY: (Leaning over the imaginary edge, frantic) It’s
military strategy, Helen, my love! You have a commanding presence! If they see
me, they’ll kidnap me for my undeniable mature charm and liquid assets!
GARY PRIME: Boss, with all due respect, the lady is right.
It’s a circus down there. And speaking of complaints, I demand you respect my
hierarchy. These two (points at Gary Two and Three) are
going around calling themselves Gary. I am the Prime Gary!
GARY TWO: (Grunting) We fix
wires too. We break kneecaps if boss asks. Garys united will never be divided.
PERCY:
Silence, you outsourced gig-workers! Everyone is Gary to save breath! Time is
money!
(Preston and Victoria enter the rooftop. Preston
holds an unlit pipe. Victoria fans herself with disgust).
PRESTON: Father, your defense mechanism is fascinating,
albeit pathetic. You project your financial castration anxiety onto the
maternal figure, placing her on the physical border of the home as an
apotropaic totem to repel your creditors. Classic capital-induced obsessive
neurosis.
PERCY:
Speak English, you over-educated freeloader! Four years at Berkeley just to
insult me in polysyllables!
VICTORIA: (To Preston, in a loud whisper)
Bloody hell, Preston, I’m going to have a stroke seeing how he lives. If your
father knew my family owned half of Mayfair in London, he’d gag me and demand a
ransom. Not a word about my trust fund, right?
PERCY:
What are you muttering, daughter-in-law? Do you have the wedding deposit? In
this house, traditions are respected: the British colonized half the world, now
you pay for the catering!
GARY TWO: (Tripping over his own feet)
Boss. Big problem. The envelope with the cash you gave us to pay the mob from
your "Vegan Vapes & Vittles" money-laundering front... we gave it
to the wrong guys. The original mob is coming here. Very angry.
PERCY: (Turns ghost-white, clutching his chest) I paid the
competition! I’m ruined! My cash flow! I’m drowning! The little box! Gary
Prime, fetch the little box!
(SCENE 2: THE TRANCE AND THE CAVIAR)
(Gary Prime pulls a battered vintage cigar box from
behind the fuse box. Percy opens it with trembling hands. It’s full of dried
organic white sage. He inhales deeply).
PERCY: (Voice slows down, distorted) Ah... the smell of the
90s... when gas was a dollar a gallon... when no one asked me for a loan...
(Radical lighting shift. Surreal purple lights.
Harp music plays. Everyone freezes. The Garys quickly bring in a
white-tablecloth table with a tray of caviar blinis, slapping waiter bowties on
their necks. The door frame now has a "WEDDING" sign. Percy is
sleepwalking).
HELEN: (Sipping invisible champagne) Oh, look how beautifully
he glides. He’s entered his savings-trance.
PRESTON: It’s his tactile kleptomania REM cycle. Completely
harmless unless you're carrying loose change.
(Percy delicately unclasps Victoria’s diamond
necklace and pockets it).
VICTORIA: (Smiling naturally)
Oh, brilliant. He took the fakes. They were doing a number on my cervical spine
anyway.
PERCY: (Muttering in his sleep) Savings... for the mausoleum
down payment...
(Percy shoves handfuls of caviar blinis directly
into his suit pockets. He grabs an imaginary pitcher of iced tea and pours it
straight into his breast pocket).
GARY PRIME: (Taking notes) Fourteen
blinis, two quarts of kombucha in the lining... the boss is breaking his
personal record.
(Percy snaps the cigar box shut. Normal lighting
returns. Percy blinks, confused. He looks at his caviar-covered hands and
dripping suit).
PERCY:
What the devil! Gary! Why am I sweating fermented tea?!
PRESTON: You came back, Father. Another sage-induced
dissociative episode.
PERCY: (Notices the necklace in his hand) What is this?! I’m
not a thief, I’m a proactive asset manager! Take your bauble, you British
freeloader!
(SCENE 3: THE PERFUME)
VICTORIA: Freeloader my arse, you old bat! You smell like a
sewer and fish paste! (She pulls out a bottle of perfume).
God, you give me the vapors.
PERCY: (Eyeing the bottle) Imported perfume! That’s a waste of
perfectly good ethanol! (He snatches it).
Lend me that, I haven't showered because of the California drought and the
water bill!
(Percy empties half the bottle on his neck. He
closes his eyes in delight).
PERCY:
Mmmm... smells like sandalwood... like European luxury... Victoria... this
scent excites my hormones... I feel like a stallion, a British thoroughbred...
come here, girl...
(Victoria delivers a staggering backhand slap that
spins him around).
VICTORIA: You absolute pig!
GARY PRIME: Code Red! The boss is hormonal! Garys, neutralize!
(Gary Two and Three spray him head-to-toe with
industrial Febreze. Percy coughs violently).
(SCENE 4: THE APPARITION OF THE DIVA)
(The door and clothesline vanish. Warm, elegant
lighting. The wedding reception. Percy enters, counting almonds one by one).
PERCY:
Forty-one, forty-two... at twenty cents an ounce... these people eat like
pelicans...
PRESTON: Father. Despite your pathologies, Victoria and I
are handling your debts with the mob. My wife’s father is the Duke of Cornwall.
She just wrote a check.
(Percy goes cross-eyed processing the wealth.
Before he can scream in avarice, the lights dim to a single spotlight).
HELEN: (Approaching Percy) Percy. You are insufferable. You
use me as a human shield. But I know your one weakness. Your unattainable
platonic love. This is my wedding gift to you.
(A melancholy piano chord strikes. Into the
spotlight steps a figure in a black trench coat, holding a prop cigarette. She
approaches Percy).
FIGURE: (With a smoky, trembling voice,
singing exactly like Judy Garland) "Somewhere... over the
rainbow..."
PERCY: (Tearing up, voice breaking) Judy? My Judy? You’re
alive! And you came to sing for me for free! Oh, God, the emotion and the
savings combined! I can’t take it!
(Percy rolls his eyes back and faints flat on the
floor, stiff as a board).
PRESTON: Magnificent catharsis. An aesthetic-induced
psychosomatic collapse.
GARY THREE: We break Judy?
GARY PRIME: Shut up, animal!
(Percy blinks awake).
PERCY:
Judy? Where are you, goddess of the silver screen?
PRESTON: Father, Judy Garland died in 1969.
PERCY: (Grabbing his head) No! I saw her! I smelled her! She
smelled like gin and expensive tobacco... The little box! It was the organic
sage! I fell into another trance! My brain is tricking me so I don't have to
buy concert tickets!
(The figure laughs, pulling off the trench coat.
It’s HELEN).
HELEN: Oh,
Percy. You’re cheap, but you’re still easy. It was me.
PERCY: (Stares at her, then at Victoria’s check. He smiles through his
tears and hugs Helen’s knees). Helen, you magnificent woman! You
saved me the grief therapy, the front-row tickets, and the cover charge! I love
you! From now on, I promise to move you to the second floor!
(After that, he Stands up and hugs Preston
with uncharacteristic strength)
Preston, my boy, blood of my blood! I am so proud. Marrying a woman so noble,
so virtuous... and with such a grotesquely swollen bank account! You have a
natural financial instinct.
PRESTON: (Adjusting his tie, with a half-smile) I
learned from the best, Father.
VICTORIA: (Fanning herself, with an icy smile) Don't
get ahead of yourselves, you absolute leeches. We signed an iron-clad pre-nup,
and my Amex Black Card is coming with me to the grave.
(The Garys run in carrying a head of organic kale).
GARY PRIME: Boss, we lost the mob! And we stole a kale from
the catering tent!
GARY TWO: Volleyball!
(The three Garys start playing slow-motion
volleyball with the kale).
PERCY: (Still hugging Helen’s knees, pulling out his notepad) Preston,
write this down: we deduct the kale from their paychecks.
(Preston smiles, shaking his head, and hugs his
wealthy British bride).
BLACKOUT
