THE HUINAC WAND: THE COMEDY OF THE MALICIOUS VINE
A
Play in Three Acts
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CAST
OF CHARACTERS (PERSONAJES)
- GRANDPA GEORGE (GASPAR):
The old man who loses his sight, constantly denies his flatulence.
- GRANDMA LILLY (CORNELIA):
The wise old woman, confuses words and laughs easily.
- PIP (Pulgón):
The smart, brave, and observant boy.
- BUTCH (ROCCO):
The big, aggressive, and dim-witted brother.
- MITCH (PÁNFILO):
The gossipy, critical, but charming brother.
- THE SHEPHERD BOY (PASTORCILLO
VALENTE): A simple young man, prone to
creating suspense.
ACT
I: THE INFESTED HOME AND THE FROG
(The
scene is the interior of an old house. The lighting is gloomy, with greenish
tones suggesting sickness. The physical threat is evident: A vast, relentless
dark, twisted climbing vine is aggressively wrapped around lamps, paintings,
and windows. The stems hang from the ceiling, draining the vitality from
everything. The sound of creaking accompanies the plant’s growth.)
GRANDPA
GEORGE is sitting, his sight cloudy. BUTCH
[The big, aggressive one] growls, futilely trying to untangle a stem. MITCH
[The gossipy, critical one] looks at him with superiority. PIP [The
smart boy] examines the Vine with scientific zeal.
PIP:
Grandpa, the Vine isn't just feeding on other plants; it’s draining our colors
and our strength! It’s absorbing everything. This vase used to be red
and now it looks like a big piece of greenish grime. Look how the wretched
thing is twisting around this blue, green... black lamp.
GRANDPA
GEORGE: (Twists his face, his sight cloudy) Only
because you say so... I can’t see well, Pip. But I can certainly hear the
constant creaking. We’re going to end up tangled on the floor.
BUTCH:
Look, Mitch! The parasitic plant is tightening around my neck! Cut it,
tear it off, but be careful not to hurt me! Ah, it’s choking me, cut it! It
makes me so mad!
(MITCH
grabs scissors and cuts the stem. As he shows the twisted stem to Butch, the
loud sound of a long, sharp fart interrupts the scene. Everyone freezes in
astonishment, then bursts out laughing.)
GRANDPA
GEORGE: (Starts, feigning surprise; he
always denies his noises) There it is again! Did you all hear it? The
Vine’s creaking! It’s breaking the roof beams!
MITCH:
(Clutching his nose) Grandpa, don't lie! That wasn't the Vine's
creaking! That was a long and stinky fart of yours! Own up!
BUTCH:
(Laughs heartily) Yes, Grandpa! A very shameless fart! Admit it!
GRANDMA
LILLY: (Enters, her purple scarf contrasting with
her clothes. Laughs with a sudden, high-pitched attack; she confuses words)
Oh, my socks! I mean, my hips! I can't handle so much laughter!
George, dear, you always say it was a monkey! I mean... a frog!
GRANDPA
GEORGE: (Firm and dignified) It was a frog!
A fat frog that crashed against the door! I swear it was a frog!
GRANDMA
LILLY: (Points to a slowly growing stem) Frog or
not, the Vine keeps growing, and we must do something! I was researching in
this botany book... (She shows them the book, but they all squint.) It says the
cure is the sturdy, rough stem of the Huinac plant, a stem so tough it’s truly
like a magical staff, the Huinac Tree Wand. It grows in ravines and
marshy lands...
(GRANDMA
LILLY gets tangled in her own words.)
GRANDMA
LILLY: It smells bad, tastes like quinine
water, and cures smallpox, paralysis...
PIP:
Quinine cures malaria, Grandma, malaria... oh, now I've got your
aphasia! We're talking about the Huinac Wand. Focus, Grandma,
concentrate, try hard...
GRANDMA
LILLY: (Resets) The Huinac plant has green stems
like broccoli, so bitter and powerful that only it can destroy this parasitic
plant. We must go find it. (Returns to aphasia) I need a cat... a tent... a
pie... A map, for goodness sake! There's a ravine near the Mill, and
there's also a marshy field near the highway entrance...
PIP:
I know that marshy field, Grandma, I’ll go!
GRANDMA
LILLY: Yes, you go, Pip. We need the innocence
of a child... And it wouldn't be good for Butch to go, he might break the
box... the dough... the Wand... And, well, sorry, Mitch, but you're not
a good candidate either, because the wand needs a pure soul... And we know
you're very salty, tired... wicked, I mean.
MITCH:
I'm not wicked, Grandma, nor am I salty or tired... ah, hahahaha, see, Grandma,
and I'm not mocking you and all your mistakes, hahahaha!
(PIP
leaves with a satchel. BUTCH and MITCH exchange a look of malice and envy. They follow him. Total darkness.)
ACT
II: THE MARSH, THE DECEPTION, AND THE SINGING REED
(The
light focuses on the stage, simulating a marshy field. The sound of PIP
running, followed by BUTCH’s growls and MITCH’s complaints.)
(SCENE:
PIP runs deftly, aware of his brothers' pursuit. They stumble, trying to keep
up.)
PIP:
(Shouting) I told you the marsh was faster than the ravine! See how quickly
we’re moving!
BUTCH:
(Growls; aggressive and clumsy) You think you’re smart, shrimp? You
don't weigh more than two ounces so you don't sink, but I'm big and strong...
Damn it, I'm stuck again! I swear I'm going to smash your head in!
MITCH:
(Tripping and falling) Butch, this can’t go on! The wretched shorty is trying
to outsmart us!
PIP:
I agree! Haha, and I’m not trying to be smart... I AM smarter,
ha, ha!
(PIP
quickly dodges. BUTCH crashes into MITCH. BUTCH advances, but PIP is already in
front of the Huinac Tree, which has "walked" to the center. Its stems
are intensely green.)
PIP:
(His eyes shine. The tree offers him a green branch that instantly glows red.)
Look! The Huinac Magic Wand! The Tree Lord gave it to me because he
knows I have a good heart!
BUTCH:
(Gruffly. Snatches the wand) You had it, cherub, past tense, past
perfect, as my granny says, ha ha.
MITCH:
(Quickly snatches it from Butch) Oh, look at that! Now I have the
luminous wand, I’m its owner, you pair of morons!
(MITCH,
in his euphoria, trips and falls. BUTCH catches him, wrestles the Wand back.)
BUTCH:
(Shouting in a whisper) It's gone dim, moron! What was the plan? Weren't we in
this together? Now that we have the Wand, let's use its magic to neutralize
Pip!
MITCH:
(Wiping his sweat) By neutralize, you mean kill him?
BUTCH:
Word by word, more or less! (He hits PIP in the head with the Wand... an
unexpected, high-pitched “DING DING DING” rings out. PIP collapses.)
MITCH:
You went too far, BUTCH, you really killed him!
BUTCH:
I only neutralized him, like we planned.
MITCH:
Now we have to hide the body! I'll use the magic word: Cabracacacacacaca,
Star-dust and cosmic rays! (The Wand does nothing. It goes completely dim.)
The Wand's dead! We have to use the old-fashioned way! Bury him,
Butch.
BUTCH:
(Whines) Bury him? Help me, jerk!
MITCH:
You can do it yourself! Aren’t you the strongest?
BUTCH:
I guess so, no doubt about that.
MITCH:
Then shut up and hurry!
(BUTCH
desperately buries Pip, leaving only a thin green reed sticking out of the
ground. The brothers flee with the dead Wand. The sound of the Vine's stems
growing louder fills the air. Loud dramatic tension music.)
(PAUSE.
The music changes to a cheerful melody. THE SHEPHERD BOY enters, whistling. He
cuts the reed, polishes it. The flute sings alone.)
FLUTE:
(Pre-recorded voice, resonant and strangely funny)
Shepherd
Boy, Shepherd Boy!
Don't
touch me or leave me untouched!
My
brothers killed me for the Huinac Wand!
THE
SHEPHERD BOY: (Suddenly terrified, with
melodramatic exaggeration) A flute that sings! A talking flute! I must tell everyone
in the village! I’ll go house to house! And that way I’ll catch up on
the gossip, heh heh!
(The
Shepherd Boy leaves with the flute in a hurry. Darkness.)
ACT
III: THE REVELATION AND THE UNTANGLING
(SCENE:
Back inside the house. The lighting is gloomy. The Vine's Stems have grown
alarmingly. BUTCH and MITCH stand before GRANDPA GEORGE with the dead Wand. A
loud vegetal creak is heard.)
MITCH:
(Nervous) Look, Grandpa! The Huinac Wand! The creaking has stopped!
GRANDPA
GEORGE: (Upset) You lie! I still hear the
creaking. (The creak is comically loud and cuts off with a Ba Dum Tss.)
The Vine has almost blinded me. Where is my grandson?
(GRANDMA
LILLY and THE SHEPHERD BOY burst in. The Shepherd Boy stops at the entrance,
deliberately creating suspense.)
THE
SHEPHERD BOY: (Speaks slowly and mysteriously)
Sirs! I bring incredible news! It's sensitive, unbelievable... Let me tell you:
Did you know the blacksmith three kilometers away is thinking of selling his
anvil? And guess what... I stopped by the Márquez's house and Mrs. Elvira's
daughter already has three red and yellow laying hens!
GRANDMA
LILLY: (Interrupts him, laughing nervously; confuses
words) Enough about cars, boy... I mean, crashes, rockets!
I mean, I say, I dogo, duego...
GRANDPA
GEORGE: My love, for heaven's sake, focus...
GRANDMA
LILLY: (Anxious) Tell us, boy! Do you know
anything about PIP, MY GRANDSON? I'm dying of the monkeys, the tangos...
the nerves, gosh!
(The
Shepherd Boy stumbles over his words. GRANDMA LILLY accidentally shoves him.
The flute falls and the song bursts out with full force.)
FLUTE:
(Pre-recorded voice, resonant)
Shepherd
Boy, Shepherd Boy!
Don't
touch me or leave me untouched!
My
brothers killed me for the Huinac Wand!
BUTCH
and MITCH buried me in the mud…
(The
effect is dramatic. The light brightens. The Vine's stems freeze. The Huinac
Wand, on the floor, begins to emit a vibrant green light.)
GRANDPA
GEORGE: (Stands up. The truth activates him.) PIP
is alive! I know it!
BUTCH:
(Falls to his knees) Forgive me, forgive me... I didn't mean to hurt him!
GRANDMA
LILLY: (Picks up the bright Wand) Monsters! Envious,
filthy scoundrels! Let's go, George! Pip is ALIVE!
(GRANDPA
GEORGE, GRANDMA LILLY, and THE SHEPHERD BOY exit. In a comic ellipsis, They
return with PIP.)
PIP:
(Wipes the mud off) I have returned from the Mud! And yes, I am ALIVE!
GRANDMA
LILLY: (Takes the wand and makes theatrical
gestures.) Huinac Wand, end the vine and these mistakes! (The vine begins to
disappear.)
PIP:
My dear brothers, your punishment is to name your lie and clean up!
BUTCH:
(Grabs the broom) I accept, Grandpa. (Sweeps a corner, the wall turns a
comforting blue.)
MITCH:
(Polishes a chair) I also cooperate. (The chair turns mahogany.)
GRANDPA
GEORGE: You two are cleaning this mess!
BUTCH:
I'll clean, but Pip should help too!
MITCH:
Me too! And Grandpa, you should help! You’re not too old!
GRANDPA
GEORGE: I’m retired, grandson, but GRANDMA
LILLY can certainly help us mop.
GRANDMA
LILLY: (Brings a bucket and hands it to GRANDPA
GEORGE) Of course! We’ll mop together and clean the house faster.
MITCH:
That's right! I love to SCRUB!
(PIP
touches the Wand to his brothers' heads. Then, he touches the stems, which dry
up and quickly retract. The general lighting recovers warm, defined colors.)
GRANDPA
GEORGE: (Looks at his wife.) Lilly! I see the
world clearly! And the Vine is leaving!
(GRANDPA
GEORGE laughs. His joy is so great that the familiar sound of a long, sharp
fart is heard.)
ALL:
Grandpa! Again?
GRANDMA
LILLY: (Laughs) My dear... Don't you dare say it
was a frog again!
GRANDPA
GEORGE: (Looks at his family, maintains his
dignity) Very well... Since you insist... I will tell you the truth. (He pauses
and laughs very loudly, and again the unmistakable sound of a long, sharp
fart is heard.) See? You noticed? It was a frog, Lilly. It was a
frog, you must believe me. I swear it.
(The
whole family laughs. The Shepherd Boy does buffoon acrobatics, MITCH and BUTCH
dance. The grandparents begin a slow, elegant waltz. The home is cured. The
play ends with cheerful Cancan music. The lighting intensifies, then fades to
black.)
(END
OF PLAY)
