Don Archibaldo and the secret world (About some humans and many insects and varios animals)
Comedy
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(A Play)
Characters:
- CARLITA: A spider. The artist and brains of the group.
- MOSCA (FLY): The "expert" on everything. Talks fast, gets things wrong faster.
- GRILLO (CRI-CRI): The musician. Shy, but with a good heart.
- COL-COL (ROLLY): A snail. On a toy skateboard, he's agile and has a seductive radio DJ voice. Without it, he's... a snail.
- MARIPOSA NEGRA (BLACK BUTTERFLY): The dramatic actress of the group.
- CASIOPEA: A turtle. Always motionless in her corner, she has a velvety, wise voice.
- TOBI: A dog. Loyal and old. (Played by an actor or a large puppet).
- ANTONIO (CRAN-CRAN): A scorpion. A percussionist, a bit rough around the edges.
The Giants (Actors off-stage or in shadow):
- DON ARCHIBALDO: (A warm, calm voice from off-stage).
- THE RUMBLE-BOOM (HERACLIO): (A loud, grumpy voice from off-stage).
- DOÑA MATILDE (THE SEAL): (A moaning voice: "Aysh!").
ACT I
Scene 1: The Sun Drop Paradise
(SETTING: The corner of a living room. Old furniture, a large flowerpot, an armchair. In an upper corner, CARLITA's web. CASIOPEA is motionless on an old book. TOBI is sleeping).
(CARLITA is weaving. MOSCA enters, buzzing erratically).
MOSCA: Phew, what traffic! A bumblebee almost gave me a ticket! Hey, Carlita, I was in the countryside!
CARLITA: (Without stopping her weaving) Oh, really? The countryside? Flowers, tall grass?
MOSCA: No way! It's short, green grass, and thousands of humans yelling while kicking a ball! The countryside is a very violent place!
CASIOPEA: (Velvety voice, without moving) The only thing violent here, Mosca, is your ignorance.
GRILLO (CRI-CRI): (Peeking out from the flowerpot) It sounds scary. I prefer it here. The Old Man takes care of us!
(The sound of a hose is heard from the balcony (PSSH-PSSH). A golden light floods the stage, like a mist).
MARIPOSA NEGRA: (Entering dramatically) There they are! The new arrivals!
(Several YELLOW BUTTERFLIES fly in, laughing).
MOSCA: So stuck-up! So... yellow!
CARLITA: Where did they come from?
MOSCA: (As if it's obvious) From the water, Carlita! It's spontaneous generation! The Old Man points at the sky, the sun hits the drops, and POW! Sun drops with wings!
CASIOPEA: A... refreshing theory.
Scene 2: The Seal and the Snail
(A key turns in a lock. A sigh is heard: "Ayyyyysh!").
GRILLO: (In a panic) Hide! It's... "The Seal"!
(Everyone scatters. DOÑA MATILDE enters (as a shadow or an actress with her back to the audience) with a feather duster and a spray bottle).
MOSCA: (Hiding) There she is! The Seal!
CARLITA: (Hiding) Mosca, why do you call her "The Seal"?
MOSCA: It's obvious, isn't it? She always arrives wet, makes seal noises ("Aysh!"), and smells weird!
MARIPOSA NEGRA: It's true! She must breathe pine oil!
GRILLO: And that's why she uses so much water! So she doesn't dry out!
(MATILDE's duster spots the web and rises to attack).
CARLITA: My masterpiece! No!
(Just as it's about to hit, a calm voice is heard from off-stage).
VOZ DE ARCHIBALDO: Doña Matilde, please! Leave Carlita alone. She's the guardian of the house.
(MATILDE freezes. She lets out an "Aysh!" of frustration. She sprays the air furiously: PSSH-PSSH-PSSH!).
GRILLO: (Coughing) Ugh! The horror! It smells... clean!
(MATILDE leaves. The critters come out. Suddenly, a sound of wheels (SKRRRR) and in comes COL-COL the snail, at high speed on an old toy skateboard. He stops just in time).
COL-COL: (In a deep, seductive radio voice) Good afternoon, distinguished colleagues. Did I miss the aromatherapy session?
MOSCA: (Swooning) Col-Col! You're so fast!
COL-COL: The secret, my dear Mosca, is in the wheels. Movement is relative. Style is eternal.
CARLITA: Col-Col, good to see you. We were just discussing...
(At that moment, Col-Col's skateboard hits a marble and flips over. COL-COL falls to the floor, off his cart).
COL-COL: (His seductive voice is gone, he now speaks normally) Oh, no! My vehicle!
(He starts to move across the floor, comically slow).
MOSCA: Oh, no! Col-Col! Hurry, The Seal might come back!
COL-COL: (Desperately slow) I'm... going... as... fast... as... I... can!
GRILLO: Oh, snail! By the time you get to the flowerpot, an ice age will have passed!
(Col-Col just throws him an annoyed look).
ACT II
Scene 1: The Rumble-Boom
(A terrible noise is heard: RUUUUM-BAP-BAP! The stage shakes).
GRILLO: Alert! Alert! It's the worst one!
MARIPOSA NEGRA: It's... The Rumble-Boom!
(The door is heard slamming open, followed by footsteps: Step... drag. Step... drag).
MOSCA: Here he comes! The rhinoceros hunter!
CARLITA: Mosca, what rhinoceros?
MOSCA: The ones he hunts with his noise machine! Why else do you think he walks with a limp? One of them gored him! That's why he's always so angry!
(HERACLIO's grumpy voice is heard from off-stage).
VOZ DE HERACLIO: Archibaldo! I'm here! Did you eat? This place is a disaster! And my computer isn't working! It must have a worm!
(Instant panic).
GRILLO: A WORM!
MARIPOSA NEGRA: There are no worms here!
MOSCA: It must be a giant green mutant worm! It'll eat the cables and then it'll eat us!
CARLITA: Calm down! There is no worm!
VOZ DE ARCHIBALDO: (Calmly) Easy, Heraclito. Don't fight with your computer worms. Look...
(A YELLOW BUTTERFLY (from Scene 1) flies in and lands on HERACLIO's shadow's shoulder).
VOZ DE HERACLIO: (Total silence. Then, quietly) ...Oh. It's... yellow.
CARLITA: (From her web, amazed) Did you see that? The Rumble-Boom... he didn't move.
MOSCA: It hypnotized him! Those yellow ones are definitely witches!
Scene 2: The Dance-Off
(Night. GRILLO (CRI-CRI) plays a soft melody. Suddenly, a dry sound: CRAN... CRAN!).
GRILLO: Oh, dear!
(Enter ANTONIO THE SCORPION (CRAN-CRAN), wagging his tail).
ANTONIO: (Raspy voice) Hey, you! The guy with the leg violin!
GRILLO: (Trembling) Don't eat me! I'm too skinny!
ANTONIO: Eat you? Gross! I'm a musician, not a savage! Your rhythm is all wrong! It has no flavor!
GRILLO: Flavor?
ANTONIO: Yeah! Look! You go "Cri-cri-cri" (he mimics in a high voice). I go "Cran-cran-cran"! (He stomps the floor with rhythm). Together, we're... "Cri-Cran"!
GRILLO: (Perking up) Cri-Cran?
ANTONIO: Of course! You do the melody, I do percussion! Hit it!
(GRILLO starts playing his "Cri-cri." ANTONIO adds his "Cran-cran." Suddenly, MUSIC (a cumbia or salsa) fades in, following their beat. The lights change to a party).
MOSCA: Hey, this has rhythm!
COL-COL: (Who has recovered his skateboard) This... compels me... to move my antennae with sensuality!
(All the critters start to dance. The scene is a total party. TOBI perks up his ears and wags his tail to the music).
Scene 3: The Beast Tamer
(The party is interrupted. Silence. TOBI stands up and growls quietly).
CARLITA: Tobi?
(A sleek shadow enters through the balcony. Two yellow eyes are visible. It's the EVIL CAT).
GRILLO: The Evil Cat! (He hides).
ANTONIO: Now this guy is not a musician! (He hides).
(The CAT sees CARLITA in her web. It crouches, ready to pounce. TOBI gets in the way and barks furiously).
TOBI: WOOF! WOOF! GRRRR!
(The CAT hisses. They square off. Suddenly, ARCHIBALDO's calm voice is heard from the armchair where his shadow is sleeping).
VOZ DE ARCHIBALDO: Mr. Cat? What manners are these. To your yard, if you please.
(The CAT freezes. It looks at Archibaldo's shadow. It hisses, frustrated by the human's lack of fear, and disappears off the balcony).
MOSCA: (Coming out) Did you... did you see that?
COL-COL: (Seductive voice) Fascinating. The Old Man... is a beast tamer.
CASIOPEA: True strength, dear Mosca, makes no noise.
ACT III
Scene 1: The Silence
(The stage is silent. No music. Archibaldo's armchair is empty. TOBI is lying by the bedroom door. A long, sad, deep whine is heard. An "Awooooo..." that chills the bones).
CARLITA: (Worried) Tobi... Tobi, what's wrong?
MOSCA: (Flying nervously) The Old Man hasn't come out! He hasn't made it rain sun drops!
GRILLO: (Scared) What if... what if "The Seal" got him?
MARIPOSA NEGRA: (Dramatically) Or the Giant Green Mutant Worm!
MOSCA: No, no, no! I know what happened! The Rumble-Boom got mad and sent him on vacation! He must have taken a plane to the football "countryside"!
TOBI: (Lets out another, sadder whine).
CARLITA: I don't think so, Mosca. Tobi... knows something.
CASIOPEA: (Her velvety voice gets everyone's attention) It wasn't a plane.
MOSCA: Casiopea?
CASIOPEA: I have seen the dust come and the dust go. I saw the woman, bright as a yellow butterfly... leave too soon. I saw the Rumble-Boom arrive when he was a baby.
(Everyone listens, hypnotized).
CASIOPEA: Archibaldo taught him about books. Heraclito taught him about the internet. The Old Man would come and tell me. (She imitates Archibaldo's voice) "Casiopea, such strange people. They ghosted me." (Her voice returns) "Casiopea, I think they banned me from the crossword puzzle group." He didn't understand those things.
GRILLO: (Sniffling) "Banned"? Did it hurt?
CASIOPEA: Heraclito begged him to take care of himself. But he just smiled... and played his music. And the day before yesterday... (Long pause)... he fell asleep listening to his music... and didn't wake up. He's gone. Like a little bird.
(Total silence. TOBI hides his head between his paws).
Scene 2: The Empty House
(The door opens. Step... drag. Step... drag. HERACLIO's shadow (THE RUMBLE-BOOM) enters. He is hunched over. A choked sob is heard).
GRILLO: (Hiding) Is he... making the water noise?
CARLITA: He's... sad.
(HERACLIO's shadow kneels by TOBI).
VOZ DE HERACLIO: (Voice cracking) ...You're coming with me, old friend. (TOBI whimpers and licks the shadow).
(The shadow moves to CASIOPEA).
VOZ DE HERACLIO: ...And you too, old one. Dad wouldn't want you to be alone. (The shadow lifts CASIOPEA).
(The insects watch, terrified. HERACLIO's shadow looks at the web).
CARLITA: (Terrified) This is my end.
MOSCA: He's going to turn you into a worm!
(HERACLIO's shadow brings a jar. With infinite delicacy, he brings the jar to CARLITA).
VOZ DE HERACLIO: (Whispering) Come on, friend... You have to move.
(CARLITA enters the jar. HERACLIO's shadow looks at the empty armchair).
VOZ DE HERACLIO: ...I'll sell the house. I can't do this.
(The shadow leaves with Tobi, Casiopea, and Carlita. The door closes. The stage is empty, except for MOSCA, GRILLO, COL-COL (without his cart), and MARIPOSA NEGRA).
MOSCA: (Sobbing) He... he took them all.
MARIPOSA NEGRA: (Landing on the empty armchair) It's over. The end of an era.
GRILLO: (Sadly) There will never be... Cri-Cran again.
(The stage is bathed in a sad, blue light).
Scene 3: The Rhythm Returns
(Silence. Suddenly, a knock on the door. The insects jump).
MOSCA: What now?
(The door opens a crack. ANTONIO (CRAN-CRAN) and GRILLO (CRI-CRI) enter, arguing).
ANTONIO: I told you, you left them in the bathroom!
GRILLO: Impossible! I never wear socks in the bathroom!
MOSCA: (Shouts with joy) GRILLO! ANTONIO!
GRILLO: Hello! Sorry! It's just... have you seen my lucky socks?
ANTONIO: And I'm missing my sunglasses! I can't play percussion without them!
(They look around. They notice the empty armchair and the sadness).
ANTONIO: Hey... why the long faces? What happened here? Where's the Old Man?
MOSCA: (Sadly) He's gone.
GRILLO: He... took a plane. He is on the heaven.
ANTONIO: A plane? How fancy! And that's why you're sad? You should be celebrating!
CARLITA: (Runs in. She's back! No jar) I escaped! I jumped out of the jar at the traffic light! The Rumble-Boom didn't even notice!
EVERYONE: CARLITA!
ANTONIO: Perfect! The artist is back! No time for sadness! The house stays, we stay! And the rhythm... (he stomps the floor) ...also stays!
GRILLO: But Archibaldo isn't here!
CASIOPEA: (Her velvety voice comes from the corner. Heraclito forgot her!) Archibaldo is not here... but his music is.
MOSCA: It's true! I remember the dance!
ANTONIO: Then let's dance! Grillo, give me the beat!
(GRILLO starts playing "Cri-cri-cri." ANTONIO adds his "Cran-cran-cran." The Cumbia music swells, full blast).
MOSCA: (Dancing) The Old Man is at the football game! And we're having a party!
CARLITA: (Dancing on her web) This one's called "The Silk Cumbia"!
COL-COL: (Still on the floor, no cart) Wait... for... me! Don't... start... the... conga... without... me! (He wiggles his antennae to the beat).
(All the critters dance in a huge celebration. A warm, golden light illuminates the empty armchair, as if Don Archibaldo were there, smiling).
(FAST BLACKOUT AND MUSIC AT FULL VOLUME).
(THE END)
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