THE WHITE CHILI HOT BRIEFCASE
A Short Comedy
by GAVARRE BENJAMIN
® Benjamín Gavarre Silva
Contact: gavarreunam@gmail.com
OPENING MONOLOGUE: "BASKET DIPLOMACY"
DON FILO: Tacos, tacos! Get
‘em while they’re hot! You see me here in the Big Apple, but I wasn’t always a
courier. Back in the day, I was a key player in the political machine. One
time—you won’t believe it—Barack himself showed up. Yes, Obama.
He tells me: "My friend Filo, I heard your tacos are the real
deal". I said: "Sure, Mr. President. Just let yourself be
loved". But he asked for them without chili! Too sensitive.
He’s not afraid of the nuclear button, but he’s terrified of a serrano Chili
pepper. That’s why I’m telling you... the orange-haired guy doesn't scare me. A
Mexican is like a basket taco: they pile us up, they lock us in, they wrap us
in cloth so we sweat... but when they open the lid, we are hotter and tastier
than ever! Tacos!
SCENE 1: THE DANGEROUS EXCHANGE
EVER: (Nervous) NINA!
Quick! Take the briefcase to GOMER. But be careful, don't let anyone
"handle" it!
NINA: Damn, EVER! What’s
in here? It's heavy!
EVER: It’s something that goes
in hard and comes out soft, NINA! (Double entendre). I’m talking about
honest hard work! Just go.
NINA: If it’s a bomb, I’m not
touching it. With this government, if I smell gunpowder, I’m on a flight back
to Berlin.
MAMA GARZA: (Enters with a mop)
That thing is too shiny! It must be "the papers!" Green Cards for
everyone! Let me see my photo with a filter!
(GASTON approaches. Everyone freezes).
DON FILO: It’s the Cooler ICE!
Run! This gringo is gonna deport us to Tanzania!
EVER: (Resilient) Hell no! If
they kick us out the door, we come back through the window. Besides, that
orange guy in the White House should start by deporting his East European
wife—starting with Melania! Send her back to
Slovenia with all her bags!
SCENE 2: THE CHASE (SLAPSTICK)
(NINA rides off. Hits the corn stand. A corn cob hits
BRYAN in the face).
BRYAN SMITH: Oh my God! My
designer shirt! It’s covered in mayo and chili! You bunch of nacos!
EVER: Your grandpa’s name was
Perez, and now you think you’re a Smith? As if it were a big deal, ha! Please!
(MAMA GARZA slips on a banana peel, flies through the
air, and lands in a trash can that rolls into GASTON).
GASTON: Are you okay, ma'am? Take
it easy; gravity is a beast.
MAMA GARZA: (Terrified) Oh, Mr.
Senator! I didn't do anything! The tacos were beef, not horse meat, I swear!
SCENE 3: THE MOMENT OF TRUTH Location: In front of the laundromat.
Gomer goes down with a wooden roller, ready to break someone's tangerine. Everyone
surrounds Nina and the briefcase.
GOMER: Everardo! Tell me the truth
or I'll delete you from my life! What's there? Is it the cash to go to Cancun or
is it grandma's jewelry?
DON FILO: Open it! We want to see
visas with the bald eagle! Or of losing some gringo passports that say we were
born in Texas!
EVER: (Sighing) Okay... but do not
laugh, for he who laughs at what he does not know, is left with doubt in his crop.
It's my "back up" for the future.
Action: Ever opens the briefcase. Gaston approaches. Everyone
closes their eyes waiting for the sound of handcuffs. Gaston puts his hand in the
sack... and pulls out a bottle of black-labeled Valentina sauce.
GASTÓN: This is my moral ID. I
am from Guadalajara at heart and a human rights lawyer. I come to help you because
this "Old Orange Dude" doesn't know who he's messing with. But let's see...
what do we have here?
(He looks at the briefcase).
Contents: An old laptop with "Hello Kitty" stickers
and a mountain of Hallmark cards with glitter. Gastón takes the first one.
GASTON: (Takes a card that rings
with "But I remember you", maybe with Christina Aguilera Voice) This one
says: "Gomer, I love you more than in my eyes, because with them I see you
and with you... I am dizzy with desire."
EVERYONE: Wow!
DON FILO: That rhyme or the Selena,
gee!
NINA: How cute the wey!
EVER: (Red as a tomato) Now,
now! If we are separated, the laptop is for you to study English and make video
calls. And the cards... well, he who is parrot wherever he wants is green, and he
who is in love wherever he wants is... Well, me.
GOMER: (Laughing and crying) Oh, EVER!
You're fine love struck. Did you spend all your cash on this cheesiness?
GASTON: (Hugging EVER) What a
detail! That is having balls and not pieces. Up with kitsch when it's real!
MAMA GARZA: (Zapping EVER) Oh, my
son! The scare is over! Racism is like the flu, it goes away by putting up with
it and drinking broth.
BRAYAN SMITH: So
it wasn't a bomb? There was no Green Card, no money... What a loser.
NINA: Shut up, BRAYAN! EVER
has more heart than your fake "cool" juice.
EVER: Enough! We have to resist. The
"Orange Güerito" wants to see us fight. But he doesn't know that
the Mexican is like cilantro: even if they cut it, it comes out again. And if
he puts up the wall, we put the flea market on top of him! And we sell the tacos
to the guards!
MAMA GARZA: Let's get tacos! Our Güerito
is paying!
(They walk off).
GASTON: Do you know how politicians
are like diapers?
BRYAN SMITH: They’re both full of
crap, duh...
GASTON: You knew that one... your
turn, pocho, tell one...
BRYAN SMITH: You know what a
Mexican does to get to New York...
NINA: (Raising her fist) Don't
you dare!
BRYAN SMITH: Nothing! I didn't
mean he "swims," I just meant I said "nothing!"(Mama Garza
hits him) Ayyy, the evil flip-flop!
No hay comentarios.:
Publicar un comentario
Comentarios