🇺🇸 Bart: Two Acts of Urban Observation (New York Version)
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The Character Description:
Bart 'The Goat Whisperer': A young New Yorker (likely from Staten Island, given the setting) who works at a small sanctuary/educational farm on the city's periphery. He wears a baseball cap, a hoodie, and uses a mobile phone gimbal/stabilizer as his staff. He speaks with a fast, cynical, New York accent, and his humor is sharp, quick, and observational.
Act 1: The 'Bro's' Sanctuary Finds
(Club Stand-up Stage Instructions: STAGE LIGHTS UP. INTRO MUSIC (90s Hip-Hop beat) FADES. Bart enters with his tilted cap and his gimbal.)
BART: Yo, what up, New York? I'm Bart. And yeah, I'm the guy who takes care of the goats and sheep. (POINTS TO THE GIMBAL) It's not a staff, it's my streaming rig. I gotta document this madness!
People think farm work is peaceful. Lies! My life is a reality show about what people lose when they think they're off the grid.
I start every day searching for one single AirPod. Never the pair, never! Just one. With wax on it. I leave it on a fence, and the next day, a different model! I swear there's a cult that sacrifices one AirPod to nature after... a really intense Tinder date.
And yeah, I gotta watch my goats. Poor things! But the real danger is the city dudes. They come out here, get all inspired by nature.
(Imitates a soft, exaggerated Manhattan 'Yuppie' voice, leaning into the mic.)
One dude comes up to me and says: "Hey, Bart, those goats have such an organic vibe. What else do you have going on?"
And I gotta tell them my goats are for cheese and TikTok views, not for some weird rustic fetish! I gotta wave the gimbal at 'em!
But my best gig is the garbage. I'm a curator of lost, high-value items.
I found a gold chain (bling-bling). Next to it, some old roller skates. Some guy definitely tried to impress a girl, broke his ankle, and was like: "The chain is yours, but the skates are my pride!"
And then there's the herbs. One time, I found a little bag with some dried weed that smelled like incense and... stale college dorm. I thought, "Tea time."
I made my tea. Drank it. I went down like a sack of bricks! I slept so good! When I woke up, my goats were about to sneak onto the golf course. I almost lost my Christmas bonus over a wellness tea!
(A pause, with a sly look.)
But the revenge came with what I found next to the tea: some brownies! Brown. Weird. With a sweet smell, like forbidden college stash.
I said: "If that tea knocked me out, these brownies are the lift-off!"
(He leans in, winks, and points to his backpack.)
I saved 'em. I'm gonna try 'em tonight, when the moon's out. I wanna see if they give me wings to fly to Manhattan or strength to fight a raccoon. If you see me tomorrow doing parkour on the Verrazzano Bridge, you know what I had for dinner!
(He gives a 'PEACE' sign.)
Act 2: Bart and the Nightmare of the Big Apple
(Bart returns to the stage. He is disheveled, acting with nervous energy, like he just woke up.)
BART: Yo, check this out! I had a dream last night! A nightmare and an hallucination all at once! I dreamed of Manhattan!
They say it's big, but it was like a hundred Yankee Stadiums stacked on top of each other!
The first thing I saw: yellow cabs! Boxes of metal moving themselves! With people screaming inside! I instinctively yelled: "Hold up, demonic Tesla!" And they didn't stop!
I tried to cross an avenue. I stood there for half an hour, like a tourist looking at the sky. Until I saw a crowd, dressed weird, with little headphones, walking super fast, like they were... ¡stampeding sheep!
I said: "Bart, ride the wave!" And I crossed. And the people looked at me like I was the idiot, and not the hundreds of taxis honking at everything!
But the most insane thing was that in the city, people lose stuff too!
In Central Park, there are expensive leggings, empty champagne bottles, and... lots of expensive takeout containers! It's the same garbage as the farm, but with better packaging!
And then, the girls. The ladies of the city! They were next level! Dressed in weird clothes, all shiny... And they're not necessarily more pure, they're just more professional. They stood on the corners, with a top model pose...
(He imitates an exaggerated catwalk pose, chin high.)
And the guys in suits came after them like geese. They wouldn't even look. And when the guys got too friendly and wanted to flirt, the girls would pull out a tiny box and put it to their ear! And they would yell in Chinese! And a black Uber would come and take them away! I think the cellphone is an anti-flirting weapon. I need one for my farm!
And the worst part...
I saw glass buildings so tall, they almost touched the airplanes! And people rushed in and out so fast, with coffee in hand and worried faces... And I realized:
Manhattan isn't a city. It's a giant treadmill!
People move so fast they don't see where they're going. They throw away more stuff than on my farm, because they don't have time to bend over!
I woke up sweating and hugged my favorite goat, Gary! Thank God I'm here, where the only technology is my mystery brownies!
(MUSIC FADES UP. Bart gives a 'PEACE' sign and exits.)
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