By Benjamin
Gavarre
gavarreunam@gmail.com
A One-Act Play
CHARACTERS:
- CHARLES (35): A "young
old man." Wears oversized clothes, walks with a stoop as if carrying
centuries. A perpetual bachelor, professor of
classical literature.
- BONNIE (100 dog years / 4 human years): Actress in an
elegant grey coat. Her movements are slow, precise, and wise. Her
"woof" is a beautiful, melancholic chant.
- LUNA (3 dog years): Young,
hyperactive actress dressed in caramel colors. Moves in sudden bursts,
gives little affection "bites" (light taps).
- BRAZILWOOD: Young, tall, handsome, and clumsy
actor. Wears green and brown. Constantly trips over his own
"roots."
- PEACE LILY (350 botanical years): Older actress
holding a white hand fan (the flower). Dramatic,
demanding, like a silent film diva.
- AFRICAN VIOLETS (2 or 3 actresses): Huddled
together, wearing deep purple and green velvet. Snobby, easily chilled, aristocratic, and whiny.
- ORCHID: Impeccable posture, very tall, wearing
fuchsia. Haughty gaze, sharp and cruelly honest voice.
- CHARLES RELOADED: Played by the
same actor as Charles, but standing perfectly straight. Wears neon gym
clothes, has the hyperactive attitude of a fitness trainer.
SCENE I:
THE ECOSYSTEM OF SOLITUDE
(Minimalist stage. A couple
of chairs, an imaginary window illuminated by a warm, solitary light. Slow,
melancholic jazz plays. Charles puts on his heavy coat wearily, as if it
weighed a ton).
CHARLES: (Sighing
deeply) Well, I’m off. Off to lecture on Greco-Roman literature to
students who look at me as if I were a glitching hologram. Behave yourselves.
No parties. (Approaches the Peace Lily) Yes, Your Majesty, I moved
you two inches closer to the light. Please don't do your wilting blackmail on
me again.
(The Peace Lily breathes a
sigh of relief, snaps her white fan open, and fans herself haughtily. Charles
shuffles out the door awkwardly, dragging his feet. Prolonged silence. The
music shifts to a light, mysterious waltz).
PEACE LILY: (With a
raspy voice) Finally! I thought he’d never leave with that cloud of
sadness he carries around. He steals all my oxygen.
SCENE
II: THE MYTH OF THE MILLENNIAL FELINE
(Charles is still in the
living room, clumsily stuffing books into his briefcase. Luna jumps in circles
around him. Bonnie watches from her corner. The plants are attentive).
CHARLES: (Muttering
to himself, highly concentrated) Today I will dazzle them. Yes. I’ll
lecture on Theocritus. Syracusan poet, third century BC. Most think he only
wrote pastoral poetry, but there are texts... whispers that he mastered the
dark arts. Ancient magic. It’s fascinating.
PEACE LILY: (Snapping
her fan closed, scandalized) Theocritus? Of course! Once, in my
younger years, I had the misfortune of sharing a balcony with an arrogant black
feline. Couldn't be any other way, all black cats think they're pharaohs.
VIOLET 1: Ugh, cats! Such vulgar
beings.
PEACE LILY: This one claimed to have
been adopted in Alexandria and learned black magic from Theocritus himself. If
I’m old, calculate that... third century BC... that hellish beast would be
about two thousand, three hundred years old today! And he spent his time threatening
that, one day, he’d put all us vegetables in our place with a spell.
BRAZILWOOD: (Puffing
out his chest, boasting) Balderdash! Let that mummified cat come! If
he dares step on this pot, I’ll strike him with my Tyrannosaurus strength. One
swing of this prehistoric wood and I’ll knock the magic right out of him. I am
a green warrior! (Steps awkwardly and almost trips).
LUNA: (Tugging
at Charles's trousers persistently) Woof! Mister Chicken-Giver! What
is a cat? Is it like a squirrel, but with magic? Can we get one? I want a cat
to play with and bite its ears!
BONNIE: (Rising
majestically, interrupting Luna) Silence, naive pup. No cat shall
ever step foot in this house. They are our ultimate enemies. They are darkness
incarnate in flexibility. I met one on the streets... it was yellow. It was
completely deranged. It stared at you, and you could feel it stealing your soul
through your eyes.
LUNA: (Surprised)
Does a soul taste like kibble?
CHARLES: (Grabbing
his head, desperate from the imaginary noise of barking, trouser-tugging, and
intense leaf-rustling) Enough! Please! Silence! Why is there so much
noise in this house all of a sudden? It’s impossible to review the classics
with this migraine! I’m leaving!
(Charles grabs his
briefcase and practically flees. He slams the door behind him).
BRAZILWOOD: He fled. My Tyrannosaurus
fury surely terrified him.
PEACE LILY: He fled because he’s a
coward. But I’ll tell you this... two-thousand-year-old cats do not forgive.
And if he learned the dark arts with Theocritus, he could be anywhere. He could
be that stain on the wall.
(Everyone stares at the
wall suspiciously. Luna, with wide eyes, tiptoes to the front door and sits in
front of it, pressing her nose against the wood).
BONNIE: What are you doing over
there, Luna?
LUNA: (Without
looking away from the door, wagging her tail slowly) I’m waiting for
the deranged yellow cat. Or the magic two-thousand-three-hundred-year-old cat.
He’s coming. I know it. And I’m going to bite his ear.
SCENE
III: THE CHLOROPHYLL ARISTOCRACY
(The light fades on Luna
and illuminates the plant area).
BRAZILWOOD: (Stepping
forward, adopting a heroic pose) I understand the cosmos. Because
we, before being wood, were... solidified light. Yes. And before that,
dinosaurs. I feel a Tyrannosaurus Rex coursing through my sap. I am imposing!
VIOLETS: (In
unison, rubbing their arms) Oh, it’s so cold! How vulgar!
VIOLET 1: We come from exotic
lineages.
VIOLET 2: We demand an exact ambient
humidity of sixty-four percent.
VIOLET 3: And this peasant we have
for an owner gave us tap water yesterday. Tap water! I nearly fainted.
BRAZILWOOD: (Ignoring
them) A Tyrannosaurus, I swear. Sometimes, at night, I get the urge
to bite the sofa.
SCENE
IV: BOTANICAL ROMANCE AND CANINE CONFUSIONS
(The lighting shifts to a
dreamy teal green. A seductive saxophone plays, occasionally playing a comedic
sour note. Bonnie sleeps peacefully. Luna chews on an invisible toy in a
corner).
BRAZILWOOD: (Smoothing
his imaginary leaves, striking a soap-opera heartthrob pose, and leaning
dangerously toward the Violets, almost losing his balance). Say,
ladies... I’ve been noticing how the evening light highlights that purple tone
in your petals. It’s... intoxicating.
VIOLETS: (In
unison, fanning themselves, feigning disinterest but clearly flattered)
Oh, please! How bold!
VIOLET 1: Though I must admit you
have a very firm trunk.
VIOLET 2: And a height that commands
respect.
VIOLET 3: (Sighing)
Quite different from those plebeian cacti in the hallway.
BRAZILWOOD: (Feeling
triumphant, dropping his voice to a deep, seductive tone) How about
one of these days we push our pots together? Share a little substrate, entangle
a couple of roots... I invite you to my corner by the bookshelf. But mind
you... (raises a finger warningly) if you accept, absolutely
no showering.
VIOLETS: (They
freeze. The saxophone makes a horrible screech and stops) What?!
BRAZILWOOD: You heard me. Zero water.
Zero watering cans. Excess moisture rots my roots and ruins the romance. I like
my love all-natural, dry, with the scent of arid soil and Jurassic musk. Zero
showers!
VIOLETS: (Recoiling
in horror, crossing themselves botanically)
VIOLET 1: Gross!
VIOLET 2: Disgusting! A savage!
VIOLET 3: We demand purified mist!
Step back, you sawdust caveman!
(The Violets turn their
backs on him, indignant. The Brazilwood shrugs, offended, and returns to his
stiff pose).
LUNA: (Having
watched everything with her head tilting side to side like watching a tennis
match, she jumps up). Woof! Let’s see, let’s see, let’s see... (Scratches her ear frantically with her hind leg). What
does all this mean? The tall tree wants a girlfriend but doesn't want to bathe.
The purple flowers scream gross. Bonnie talks about the universe and Charles is
afraid of the neighbors.
(Luna marches to the center
of the stage, very determined, looking toward the door where Charles left).
LUNA: I do not understand the
grown-up world! There are too many rules! The water, the two-thousand-year-old
cats, the rawhide chews! You know what? When the Mister Chicken-Giver comes
back, I’m going with him. Yes! I want to go to that university! I’m going to
sit in a human chair and I’m going to learn things! I’ll learn to add up
kibbles and understand why love is gross if you don't take a bath! I have
spoken!
(Luna sits down firmly,
crossing her arms, very dignified. Bonnie opens one eye, looks at her tenderly,
and goes back to sleep).
SCENE V:
ORCHID'S TRUTH
(Charles enters, carrying
grocery bags and small sacks of soil. The dogs wake up but stay lying down,
watching).
CHARLES: (Talking
to himself, pouring imaginary soil into pots) Violets are a
headache, truly. But you... (Approaches the Orchid, who has
been standing still as an ice statue). You are impossible. Crystal
Orchid. You need pine bark, peat moss, and I practically have to sing to you in
Aramaic so your buds don't drop. So difficult...
ORCHID: (Steps
forward, imposing, looking down at Charles. Her voice is icy and perfect)
Us, difficult? The one who needs a bit of everything given to him is you,
clumsy caretaker.
(Charles keeps working,
oblivious that he is being spoken to, but the Orchid speaks directly to his
soul).
ORCHID: You are a sack of water
and loneliness. Look at you. Thirty-five years old and you are fossilized. You
see no one. You flee from your own species. You are going to dry up in here,
you will wither before any of us do, and not even your annoying dogs will know
what to do with your dust.
LUNA: (Jumps up
and barks furiously at the Orchid) Woof! Don’t talk to the Mister
Chicken-Giver like that! Woof, woof!
ORCHID: (With a
simple wave of her hand) Silence, hyperactive, defective flea!
PEACE LILY: (Strikes
the floor with her fan) Silence in the room! You are stressing me
out and my leaves are bending!
BRAZILWOOD: (Clapping
foolishly) Bravo! What drama! What botanical intensity!
CHARLES: (Feeling
the chaos even if he doesn't hear the exact words, grabs his head)
It’s so noisy in this house today! Let’s go outside, dogs, hurry!
SCENE
VI: BELLY PHILOSOPHY AND JEALOUSY
(Back in the apartment. The
lighting is intimate. Charles is sitting on the floor. Bonnie is by his side.
Charles rubs her "belly" [rubs the actress's shoulder]).
CHARLES: You know, Bonnie... I’ve
been thinking. (Bonnie looks at him deeply). The
meaning of life, the real one, isn't about transcending. It’s not about writing
the great book or having children. The meaning of life is simply...
contemplation. Being here. Being the silent witness to time.
BONNIE: (Lifts
her head to the ceiling and lets out a melancholic, beautiful howl, agreeing
with him).
CHARLES: (Smiling,
enlightened) Exactly! You understand me. I knew you would
understand. Such a wise little dog...
(Luna enters skidding,
bumps Bonnie with her hip, and wedges herself into Charles’s arms).
LUNA: (Jealous)
I contemplate too! I contemplate the flies! Rub my belly! Tell me I’m wise!
Wise and caramel-colored!
VIOLETS: Oh, please, what a
shameful spectacle!
PEACE LILY: Utter lack of class!
BRAZILWOOD: I want my leaves rubbed!
CHARLES: (Overwhelmed
by the dogs' energy and the plants' "vibes") Okay, okay,
enough. Enough cheap philosophy for one day! Everyone to sleep.
SCENE
VII: UPSTAIRS (AND THE GREAT LOOP)
(The lights dim to almost
pitch black. Only a midnight blue hue remains. Suddenly, a dry, heavy, and
OBVIOUS noise comes from the upper floor. The servant's quarters).
(All the plants tense up.
Bonnie and Luna stand up instantly, growling at the ceiling).
CHARLES: (Trembling,
but this time with a different look in his eyes, a look of exhaustion)
That’s it. I’m tired. I’m tired of being afraid. Of being alone and being
afraid.
(Charles grabs his
umbrella. He walks toward the imaginary stairs. Bonnie and Luna walk glued to
his legs, in protector mode. They climb slowly, to the rhythm of surreal music,
like a broken music box).
CHARLES: (Reaching
the top, he looks toward a bright spot the audience cannot see. He lowers the
umbrella. His face relaxes completely. He smiles). Ah... it’s you.
(The bright light
illuminates Charles's face).
CHARLES: It’s been so long. Come
in.
BONNIE: (A soft
howl of farewell and understanding)
LUNA: (Unafraid,
curious) Woof?
(Charles, Bonnie, and Luna
take a step toward the light. A flash envelops them and, in a blink of
darkness, they VANISH from the stage).
(The light returns to the
apartment. The blue hue remains. The plants are alone. The silence is thick).
VIOLET 1: Did you see that?
VIOLET 2: He disappeared.
PEACE LILY: They took him. They took
all three of them. I knew that servant's door was a portal. I told a fern back
in 1998.
BRAZILWOOD: But... what will become of
us now? He didn't water me!
ORCHID: (With
melancholy) Who will come to pay attention to us? Who will tell me I
am difficult?
VIOLET 3: We are going to dry out! I
demand a lawyer!
(Suddenly, the deadbolt on
the front door clicks. The plants freeze, expectant, stretching their
necks/leaves toward the entrance).
(The knob turns slowly. The
door swings open with immense energy. Enter the NEW TENANT [Charles Reloaded].
He walks completely upright, chest out, stepping firmly. He wears neon-colored
athletic gear, skin-tight, and carries a gym bag on his shoulder. He radiates
hyperactive energy).
CHARLES RELOADED: (Dropping
the bag, looking around with hands on his hips) Wow! What is all
this! Why are there so many little plants in here? It looks like the Amazon
jungle! Let’s see where I can put my protein shake with all these branches...
(The plants look at each
other, bewildered by this burst of energy. The Peace Lily is just about to open
her fan to complain, when...)
(A soft but powerful
electric hum is heard from the stairs. Charles Reloaded turns around. BONNIE
and LUNA descend majestically. They no longer walk like dogs. They walk fully
upright, owning the place. Bonnie adjusts her grey coat. Luna is chewing gum [or
pretending to]).
CHARLES RELOADED: (Taking a
step back, frightened) Oh, man! And who are you? The lease didn't
say anything about... roommates.
BONNIE: (Stops in
front of him, looks him up and down with severity, and speaks with perfect,
cold, authoritative human diction) Listen to me. You are going to
behave yourself.
CHARLES RELOADED: (Jaw
dropping) You talk?
LUNA: (Stepping
up to him, tapping his knee) Of course we talk, muscle-boy! And tone
down your delusions of grandeur.
BONNIE: (Taking a
step forward, slightly cornering Charles Reloaded toward the plants)
Listen to me very carefully. I don't know who you think you are with that
attitude, but I’m going to make this very clear: this house belongs to the
plants. We are merely the executive supervision.
CHARLES RELOADED: (Trembling,
looking at the plants, who are now smiling maliciously) To... to the
plants?
BONNIE: Exactly. So get to work.
What are you, a gym trainer, judging by the little outfit?
CHARLES RELOADED: Um... yes, I teach
crossfit...
BONNIE: Well, get to work, Mr.
Crossfit. Because that Peace Lily is three hundred and fifty years old and she
isn't going to water herself. Move!
LUNA: And then serve me chicken!
With kibble! But make it fast, I’m getting bored! Woof! (The "woof" sounds wildly sarcastic, very human).
(Charles Reloaded,
terrified and confused, nods frantically. He grabs an imaginary watering can
and sprints toward the Brazilwood, shaking).
BRAZILWOOD: (In a low
voice, only for the Violets to hear) I like this new guy. He looks
like he actually fears Tyrannosauruses.
(Bonnie and Luna cross
their arms in the center of the stage, smiling triumphantly at the audience
while Charles Reloaded runs frantically from side to side watering the pots).
(The music shifts to a
fast, joyful mambo).
(Sudden blackout).
END.
