"A
Ghost Tale"
AN INTERLUDE OF HIDDEN VICES AND THE HAUNTED HOUSE
By GAVARRE BENJAMIN
© INDAUTOR
Contact: bengavarre@gmail.com
gavarreunam@gmail.com
Introduction:
The Purgatory of Appearances
Welcome
to this Interlude of Hidden Vices, a humorous piece written in the
tradition of the Spanish Golden Age. Here, laughter is born from human vanity,
and death is nothing more than the grand opening of an eternal revelry.
The
Plot: "For the Reader in a Hurry"
The
story is set in an ancient manor recently purchased by Sir Pantaleon (a nabob
who returned wealthy from the Americas) and his fastidious wife, Lady
Gliceria. Both are obsessed with cleanliness, nobility, and "erasing
the past" of the house—which, in its glory days, served as a most
luxurious bordello.
The conflict is twofold:
1. The
Old vs. The New: The resident ghosts (Mistress
Polyxena, the former madam, and the gallant Lorenzo) are quite
unwilling to let these nouveaux riches destroy the spirit of the place
with their tiresome "modernities."
2. The
Great Secret: Pantaleon and Gliceria have no idea
they are dead. They perished from a heatstroke in a hot tub, but their egos are
so vast that they continue to act as if they were the living masters of the
estate.
Character Guide (Who’s Who?)
|
Character |
Role |
Primary Sin |
|
Sir Pantaleon |
The new owner. |
The
pride of believing gold buys gentility. |
|
The affected wife. |
Disgust
toward everything she deems "vulgar." |
|
|
Mistress Polyxena |
Ghost & former Madame. |
Pride
in her merry and sinful past. |
|
Lorenzo |
Ghost & dashing gardener. |
Impatience
with the stupidity of the living. |
|
Mr. Scrivener |
The corrupt lawyer. |
The
greed of wanting to charge a fee even to specters. |
|
Widow Cataleja |
The prospective buyer. |
Excessive
devotion to her lapdog, Boris. |
What
the reader should know...
In
this play, humor is not shouted; it glides. The moments of slapstick—unseen
shoves, invisible hair-pulls, and the buzzing of ghostly gnats—serve as the
"wake-up call" for our protagonists to finally see through their own
delusions.
In
the end, the play leaves us with a truly Baroque lesson: Death makes us all
equal. But if we must spend eternity as ghosts, we might as well do it with
a fine glass of wine in hand, surrounded by friends—even if they are merely
"hidden vices" from the past.
Dramatis
Personae
- SIR PANTALEON:
A wealthy merchant returned from the Indies, with more gold than sense.
- LADY GLICERIA:
His wife, a woman of affected airs and delicate constitution.
- MISTRESS POLYXENA:
The ghost of the house's former Madam.
- LORENZO:
The ghost of a strapping gardener and former lover.
- MR. SCRIVENER:
A lawyer, more fond of fees than justice.
- WIDOW CATALEJA:
A wealthy widow, devoted to her lapdog, Boris.
SCENE
ONE
(The
scene represents the parlor of an old house, stripped of its tapestries by the
"modern" taste of the new owners. Enter SIR PANTALEON with a
parchment.)
SIR
PANTALEON: Heaven defend me from the villainy of
this neighborhood! They say if I buy a house of lineage I am a tyrant, when all
I do is cleanse the filth from these corners. If I have doubloons, I shall make
a palace of this bordello, and a fig for the neighbors' pedigree!
MISTRESS
POLYXENA: (Sitting in a wooden chair, invisible to
him) Oh, Sir Pantaleon, money does not buy gentility! Counts and rogues passed
through this house, and my wenches served them all without asking if the gold
came from the Indies or highway robbery.
SIR
PANTALEON: (Sniffing) What does this room smell of?
I’d swear it’s violets and a woman of ill repute...
LADY
GLICERIA: (Enters with a plate of raw vegetables)
Do not say that, husband, for the scent of violets is for common folk. I only
permit the smell of pure air and distilled rosewater. (Looks at her plate). And
speak not to me of meats, for to be noble one must be ethereal and live on the
contemplation of a radish.
MISTRESS
POLYXENA: (Snatches the invisible radish from her)
Poppycock! Pheasants were eaten here and sherry drunk, before you two arrived
with your monk’s diet and Lenten faces.
SIR
PANTALEON: (Uneasy) Did you hear that, Gliceria?
Like a rustling of skirts... I feel a thousand villainous eyes watching me
through the cracks. I shall build a wall of stone and mortar to cover the
façade, so as not to see the rabble that envies us.
LADY
GLICERIA: 'Tis true! Since we arrived, I have had
no appetite for dining nor sleep to overcome me. It is this house, holding us
spellbound.
(Enter
LORENZO, the ghost gardener, with a hoe on his shoulder and his chest bare.)
LORENZO:
(To Polyxena) By the body of Bacchus, Polyxena! Are these two not gone yet? I
thought the heatstroke they got in the hot tub would have sent them straight to
Purgatory.
SIR
PANTALEON: (Pointing at nothing) There! I feel a
grave-like cold and a smell of damp earth! Scrivener! Call the Scrivener!
(Enter
the SCRIVENER with WIDOW CATALEJA, carrying a small, pampered dog named Boris.)
SCRIVENER:
Calm yourself, Sir Pantaleon! I bring Widow Cataleja, interested in your
property. She says the house has "spirits," and she, being a widow of
three husbands, knows much of dealings with the beyond.
WIDOW
CATALEJA: (Crossing herself) Mercy a thousand
times! Boris, my little dog, is bristling like a cat before a mouse.
There are shadows here, Scrivener, shadows in silk breeches.
MISTRESS
POLYXENA: (To Lorenzo) At them, Lorenzo! Let us
make these good folk lose their composure!
(LORENZO
begins to buzz like a gadfly in the SCRIVENER's ear: "Bzzzz! Bzzzz!".
LADY GLICERIA begins to feel her hair buns being pulled.)
SCRIVENER:
(Swatting at himself) I vow, there are mosquitoes the size of sparrows!
WIDOW
CATALEJA: And my calves are itching! Help, the
goblins are flaying me!
SIR
PANTALEON: (Looking at his hands) One moment!
Scrivener... why are my hands transparent like Venetian glass? Why do I not
feel the weight of my own doubloons?
LORENZO:
(Laughing heartily) Because you are dead, Sir Pantaleon! You were fried in the
steam bath out of pure neglect from your avarice. Look at your own funeral
through the window; the monks are already passing by singing the requiem!
SIR
PANTALEON AND LADY GLICERIA: (In unison) Good
heavens! We are specters and had not realized it for thinking about the façade!
SCRIVENER:
(Terrified upon seeing them appear as shadows) Ghosts! Debtor ghosts! Let us
flee, Widow Cataleja; there is no commission to be had here!
MISTRESS
POLYXENA: Not so fast! Before you go, let us do the
dance of the "Omino Omini," to see if Saint Peter opens the door out
of pity.
(They
all join hands and turn in a frantic and ridiculous dance.)
ALL:
Omino,
omini, let the house be closed!
Let
the living be scared and the dead enclosed!
If
there’s no visa to heaven for lack of gold,
We
all stay in this cheap little hold!
(A
sound of a gunpowder explosion is heard and it goes dark. When the light
returns, the SCRIVENER and CATALEJA enter, now dressed as ghosts, with
disheveled hair.)
SCRIVENER:
(Coolly) Well... since there is no heaven for those of us who overcharge, what
time are you serving that sherry, Mistress Polyxena?
WIDOW
CATALEJA: And let it be soon, for Boris
wants to bark at eternity!
MISTRESS
POLYXENA: (Pouring invisible drinks) Cheers, good
sirs! For in this house, he who enters rich, leaves dead... but always leaves
well-drunk!
(They
all dance a lively jig as the curtain falls.)
FINIS.
Glossary
of Terms (A Guide for the English Reader)
- Bordello:
A house of ill repute. In the original Spanish, lupanar. It signifies the house's colorful and
"hidden" history.
- By my troth / I vow:
Common oaths of the era used to express indignation or emphasis. Equivalent to the Spanish voto a tal.
- Doubloon:
An old Spanish gold coin. It symbolizes the nouveau riche wealth that
Pantaleon flaunts.
- Finis:
The traditional Latin conclusion for plays, meaning "The End."
- Gentry / Gentility:
The status of belonging to the polite, upper-class society. The "hidalguía" that Pantaleon tries so
desperately to mimic.
- Jig:
A lively, rhythmic dance. In the Spanish tradition, the jácara
served as the musical and dance-filled finale.
- Nabob:
A term often used for a merchant who returned from the colonies (the
Indies) with great wealth and flashy manners. The English equivalent of the indiano.
- Poppycock:
Nonsense. Used here to dismiss Gliceria’s pretentious dietary habits.
- Scrivener:
A professional scribe or notary. Often depicted in comedy as a greedy
figure obsessed with legal technicalities and fees.
- To Dine:
To eat the main meal of the day. Equivalent to the Spanish yantar.
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