Pastorela: The Corporate Messiah By B. Gavarré

 

Pastorela: The Corporate Messiah

By B. Gavarré

Characters:

• Lucifer (Loki, the CEO): A Chief Executive Officer with a shark-like smile. Wears an expensive, tailored suit and carries a briefcase that's clearly meant to intimidate.
• Beelzebub (Bee, the COO): Loki's overworked and underappreciated Chief Operating Officer. Wears an ill-fitting suit, has a permanently frazzled look, and is always holding a cold coffee.
• Gabriel: A ridiculously upbeat Corporate Wellness Coach. Wears a blazer with elbow patches and has a backpack filled with laminated motivational cards.
• Pam: A cynical yet endearing Customer Service Rep. Wears a sensible sweater and has a desk covered in Post-it notes.
• Dwight: An enthusiastic and overly earnest Sales Associate. Wears a short-sleeved dress shirt, a tie, and a belt with his phone holster. He's always on the lookout for a promotion.
• Jim: A sarcastic and observant Marketing Associate. He communicates with the audience through knowing glances and subtle physical comedy.

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SCENE I: The Office of the Damned

(The scene opens in a sterile, gray office with cubicles. The fluorescent lights buzz and flicker. Scattered holiday decorations look pathetic and cheap. On a filing cabinet, a pitiful Nativity scene is set up with action figures and a shoebox for a manger. The manger is empty. Two employees are asleep at their desks, their heads resting on keyboards.)

(Enter Loki, the CEO, with a tablet in hand, looking furious. Bee, the COO, trails behind him, trying to keep up while balancing a stack of documents.)

LOKI: (Slamming his tablet on a desk.) Two hundred? The sales team reported three hundred thousand in new leads! This isn't adding up! I can't believe it! (To Bee.) Bee! Where is our team? We need to increase our client base! And there isn't a single new soul in the database!

BEE: (Stuttering.) Sir, they’ve all gone on their... uh... "winter break."

LOKI: (Exploding.) Break?! There are no "breaks" in this company, only "periods of maximized productivity"! I'm not running a charity! This is a punishment! The CEO of the underworld has a new quarterly goal. We must compete with the company up there! The only way to win is through pure, unadulterated greed!

BEE: And what's our strategy, sir?

LOKI: We're offering a "dream job" in our Corporate Paradise! A position as "Head of Global Product"! No one will be able to resist! And you, Bee, will be my Executive Assistant!

BEE: What about the compensation package?

LOKI: Compensation? The compensation is eternal glory! A value of billions of dollars, of course, all on a credit line!

(They exit, Loki nearly tripping over a chair.)

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SCENE II: The Divine Corporate Call

(The office is quiet. The hum of the lights persists. Pam stares out the window. Jim is trying to get her attention by miming putting on a tie, while Dwight meticulously sanitizes his desk.)

PAM: (To Jim.) Why do you always have to do that? (She sighs.) I'm so tired of this place.

JIM: (Shrugs.) Life's a game, Pam. The TPS reports are just obstacles.

DWIGHT: (Approaching them, a look of suspicion on his face.) You two are "Agents of Sloth." If it weren't for the impending arrival of the Corporate Messiah, you'd both be... (He makes a gesture of a finger slashing across the throat.) ...terminated.

JIM: The Corporate Messiah? Is that the new intern they're talking about?

DWIGHT: (Nods with utmost seriousness.) He is foretold in the prophecy. He will save this company from certain failure.

PAM: (Looking out the window.) And what's that bright light? A comet? An Amazon drone?

(Enter Gabriel, the Corporate Coach. He carries a small, well-worn briefcase and his smile is annoyingly perfect.)

GABRIEL: (In a serene, calming voice.) Greetings, employees! Do not be afraid. I have come to bring you tidings of great joy! Today is the day your professional lives will change forever!

DWIGHT: (Stands up excitedly.) It's him! The Messenger!

GABRIEL: Yes! I am the messenger of a new corporate initiative. Follow me, and you will reach the promised land of career development!

JIM: And what's in the promised land? A raise?

GABRIEL: (With a perfect smile.) You will find "joy" and "inner peace." The path is lit by the star you see in the sky! (He gestures to the light outside the window.)

PAM: (Skeptically.) I don't know. Those promises sound a little... empty.

DWIGHT: No! This is our one chance! The path to true happiness!

GABRIEL: (To the audience.) For a small cost, of course! A signed loyalty agreement to the company for the rest of your lives! (To the employees.) Come! I'm waiting for you in the conference room!

(Jim, Pam, and Dwight exchange glances. Jim rolls his eyes. Pam sighs. Dwight follows Gabriel with a look of adoration.)

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SCENE III: The Seven Corporate Sins

(The conference room. It's stark and cold. A single, aging whiteboard stands in the corner. Loki and Bee are hidden behind a portable whiteboard. The employees enter, looking for Gabriel.)

DWIGHT: The Coach told us to wait for him!

PAM: I don't see anyone. And this room smells like old coffee and broken dreams.

JIM: I told you. It's a trap. We're probably here for another "team-building exercise."

(Suddenly, the lights flicker. A booming voice echoes through the room.)

LOKI: (From a hidden speaker.) Welcome, "talented employees"! I've been watching you. And I have an irresistible offer!

PAM: Who's that?

LOKI: I am the one who will give you the job you've always dreamed of! I am your future!

(The lights flicker again and a slide presentation appears on the wall. The first slide shows a pyramid with the "Seven Corporate Sins" as different levels of the company. It's a ridiculous presentation with terrible clip art.)

LOKI: (In a slick, TV announcer voice.) I present to you the Seven Corporate Sins!

BEE: (Stepping out, dressed as a presentation assistant.) First, for Gluttony, we offer an endless buffet of office snacks, catered lunches, and unlimited coffee! (She gestures to a table with stale donuts.)

LOKI: (From the speaker.) For Lust, we offer a promotion to "Regional Manager," where you'll have the power to flirt with every department!

BEE: For Greed, we offer a bonus so large it will make your bank account weep! (A graphic of a pile of money with a crying face appears on the screen.)

LOKI: (Continuing.) For Sloth, we give you a cubicle with a built-in mattress! For Wrath, a new keyboard to smash in frustration! For Envy, a promotion that will make your colleagues seethe with jealousy! And for Pride, the title of CEO of our new subsidiary in Detroit!

PAM: (To Jim.) Detroit? The CEO is offering a job in Detroit?

JIM: (Shaking his head.) He's offering a job in Detroit as a sin, Pam.

(Pam is almost ready to sign. Dwight lunges for the pen. Jim steps in front of him, getting in his way.)

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SCENE IV: The Corporate Blackout

(The lights suddenly go out. The room is in total darkness except for a few dim lights from the monitors. The employees stumble around.)

DWIGHT: (Shouting.) The power's out! This is a "power play" from the competition!

JIM: (Tripping over a chair.) Oh, no! My laptop just died! I can't send my report!

PAM: I'm blind! The corporate gods have punished us! Why me, Mr. Coach?! Why?!

(Suddenly, Gabriel's voice is heard in the darkness.)

GABRIEL: (Calmly.) Have faith in the power of teamwork, my children. Repeat after me: "Holy, holy, holy, Lord of the Internet, hear our plea, and before I count to three, bring back the electricity!" (He takes a small flashlight from his backpack and turns it on.)

PAM: It's a miracle!

GABRIEL: Now, let's find your lost souls before the dark forces lead you astray. I smell evil here. (He takes a big sniff.) And stale donuts.

(Enter Loki and Bee in the darkness, fumbling around.)

LOKI: (Muttering.) Where are you, Bee? This is ridiculous!

BEE: I'm here, sir! I have a brilliant idea!

LOKI: What?

BEE: The darkness is the perfect tool for misdirection! As they say, in the dark, all employees are indistinguishable from one another!

(Lucifer and Beelzebub start to whisper temptations. They tempt Jim with the idea of a prank, Pam with the idea of a quiet cubicle, and Dwight with a promise of a promotion.)

PAM: (Almost falling for it.) A quiet cubicle... a window view...

JIM: (Laughs to himself.) A prank on Dwight...

DWIGHT: (Whispering.) A promotion...

GABRIEL: (Shining his flashlight on them.) Don't listen to the empty promises! They are only trying to corrupt your spirits!

(A ridiculous battle ensues in the darkness, with people bumping into each other and shouting. Gabriel's flashlight beam becomes a sword, and he uses it to "fight" off Loki's temptations.)

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SCENE V: The Corporate Pageant and The Messiah

(The lights come on, revealing the conference room decorated like a cheesy TV pageant. There's a podium with a mic, a fake red carpet, and a large sign that reads "THE CORPORATE MESSIOCRE." In the corner, the pathetic Nativity scene still stands, but the figures are now arranged as if they are watching the pageant. The manger is still empty.)

LOKI: (In a flashy game show host outfit.) Welcome, everyone, to The Corporate Messio-Cre! I'm your host, Loki! Now, let's get right to the competition! Our contestants will compete for a chance at eternal glory... or at least a parking space close to the entrance!

BEE: (As his assistant.) First, we have an oral presentation on "Why I Deserve the Promotion"!

(Jim, Pam, and Dwight each give a ridiculous presentation. Jim gives a sarcastic, minimalist presentation, Pam talks about her work ethic with a monotone voice, and Dwight gives a detailed, over-the-top presentation on his sales record.)

LOKI: (After the presentations.) What a fierce competition! But the ultimate test is still to come! It's time for The Duel of the Corporate Titans!

(The lights dim and a single spotlight shines on Loki. He enters, dressed as a gladiator, with a foam sword. He's riding on Dwight's back, who is crawling on his hands and knees, huffing and puffing.)

LOKI: (Shouting.) Behold! The Red Devil of Finance!

BEE: (In the spotlight.) And in the other corner, the eternal loser, The Inter-Office Memo!

(Gabriel enters, riding on Jim's back. Jim is also exhausted, but he's making a ridiculous face at the audience. Gabriel wears a makeshift toga from a tablecloth and a helmet from a paper recycling bin. He holds a foam sword.)

GABRIEL: (Shouting.) The Messenger of Teamwork!

(Loki and Gabriel charge at each other, their "steeds" panting with exhaustion. They clash their foam swords in a ridiculous battle.)

LOKI: You cannot defeat me! My power comes from quarterly reports and market share!

GABRIEL: And my power comes from believing in the human spirit!

LOKI: That's a myth! People are just numbers on a spreadsheet!

(With a final lunge, Gabriel strikes Loki, who falls off Dwight's back with a theatrical groan.)

LOKI: (On the floor.) You win, you fool! You win this round! But I'll be back... when they change the benefits plan next year!

(Loki and Bee disappear in a puff of smoke.)

GABRIEL: (To the employees.) You have found your way! The true light is within you! Now, go forth and find your purpose!

(Gabriel exits with a flourish, leaving the employees confused.)

PAM: And now what?

JIM: I don't know. But I'm starving.

DWIGHT: Wait! (He points to the Nativity scene in the corner.) The manger! It's still empty! The Messiah hasn't arrived!

(Suddenly, the door opens and a new intern walks in. It's a young man with a bright, hopeful face. He's holding a brand new, still-in-the-box printer.)

INTERN: (With a genuine smile.) Hi, everyone! I'm the new intern. I was told we needed a new printer. I'm here to help.

(He places the new printer in the empty manger. The lights of the office flicker and, for a moment, they are all bright and steady. The employees stare in silent awe at the glowing printer. Jim and Pam share a knowing look and smile. Dwight's eyes fill with tears.)

JIM: (To Pam.) Let's go grab a burger. My treat.

PAM: (Smiling.) I'm in.

(They exit together. Dwight stays behind, staring at the new printer with a look of pure reverence.)

DWIGHT: (To himself, whispering.) It's beautiful. So beautiful. The Messiah has arrived.

THE END.