Pastorela Godínez: The Corporate Messiah
(A Corporate Comedy)
Characters:
Loki (The CEO): A ruthless headhunter in a fake Armani suit.
Bee (The HR Devil): Loki's assistant, always carrying a planner and a pen.
Gabriel (The Coach): An overly optimistic motivational consultant.
Maria: The gossipy and vain cubicle worker.
Gus: The lazy, snack-obsessed worker.
Leo: The cynical and apathetic employee.
SCENE I
(The office. A space with fluorescent lights and gaudy, picturesque holiday decorations. A nativity scene is improvised from toner boxes, with a plastic Baby Jesus wearing an "Intern of the Year" lanyard. Bright pink piñatas hang from the ceiling. The employees are at their desks, yawning.)
(Loki enters with his tablet, gesturing with frustration. Behind him, Bee, the HR Devil, struggles to carry two cardboard boxes.)
LOKI: (Staring at his tablet, furious.) The fateful night has arrived! The night He comes to ruin my quarterly quota! I'm Loki, the supreme headhunter, but today I'm about to lose it! C'mon, demons, let's get to work! You lazy slackers! Bunch of corporate zombies!
BEE: (Dropping a box with a thud.) Two-fifty, three hundred… Boss, this won't cover my contribution to the holiday potluck! And my internet got cut off for lack of payment!
LOKI: (Ignoring her.) I’m talking to you, Bee! Where did all the "valuable resources" go? Our database is full, but we haven't placed a single new soul! How are we supposed to beat the "performance curve"?
BEE: Souls? For what? For new employee onboarding or for the office party? Nobody wants to work in your "high-performance culture" anymore. I've been giving it my all...
LOKI: Shut up! There are no "bonuses" here, no "vacations," no friendly "work environment"! Here you work for free and even bring your own lunch! This is the corporate hell!
BEE: And how am I supposed to get my beach selfies if I can't leave?
LOKI: By Beelzebub! I have the worst recruitment team. We have to hurry, or "the guys upstairs" will take all the "talents." We need to prepare the "irresistible offer"!
BEE: Oh, boss, me? No, not me. I even got a concession to sell Tupperware at the neighborhood fair, so I could at least go to Compton...
LOKI: That's enough! Or I'll send you to "intensive training"! I have to take this corporate hell to the "first world." Where there’s pirated software and where brown-nosing gets you to the top!
BEE: Yeah, a hell with a "controlled work environment"!
LOKI: With the most advanced technology in "corporate miracles"! And nobody says anything if we crush their souls! Let's stop "dreaming big." With one act, we'll overcome the catatonic state of the pandemic generation!
BEE: Sir, aren't those "strategic pretensions" a bit much? We're going to face a very "powerful and potent" "power."
LOKI: By Leviathan! You should've advised the last presidents. Today, when "love thy neighbor" challenges our "corporate selfishness," I will deploy the "power of abuse and impunity"! I'll expand the "borders of evil"! I'll extinguish the "divine light" that fuels the "hopes of mortals"! I'LL BUY THE "EMPLOYEE OF THE YEAR" ELECTION!!! Ha ha ha ha..!
(Loki and Bee exit.)
SCENE II
(The office. The three employees are in their cubicles, looking annoyed. Gus eats. Maria reapplies her makeup. Leo types monotonously.)
MARIA: (To her reflection.) By the Virgin of the Home Office! Why didn't the report send itself?
GUS: (Mouth full of crackers.) Come on, Maria! Let's take a break for a while! I haven't stopped typing since I had my morning coffee!
LEO: (Without looking up.) Complain less and find the email of the lady who sold you tamales from her Tupperware. Maybe she'll give you a deal.
MARIA: How can you talk like that today? Today, the HR devil could cut our legs off! Especially with the rumors going around the hallways...
GUS: What rumors? Did the coffee run out in aisle three?
MARIA: Oh, stop it! Who cares about the coffee? I'm talking about the end-of-year bonus. They say only the managers will get one. And the big bonus is for the one who got promoted because of her "charms"... and I have so many charms, and they haven't even said thank you!
LEO: (Sarcastically.) Why are you surprised? This company is like a flea market: the one who screams the most, the one who gets the messiest, gets the best stuff.
GUS: That's why I go all out... so I don't stain my hoodie with the leftovers from the people at the top!
MARIA: And that's not all! They say Memo from Projects is getting sent to a specialization in Korea... to Korea! And why him? I've been studying online webinars on ontological coaching, and Memo only takes pictures of his food for Instagram. I deserve that trip more!
LEO: Don't get mad, the important thing is that they send you to a specialization in LA... to Torrance!
MARIA: You clearly have no "business vision"! But wait, there's another rumor! The new area manager, the one they're going to introduce, isn't even American. He's Korean! And from Seoul, no less... not even Busan! You see how it is, they only made him a manager because he's a foreigner, even though he looks like a college intern.
GUS: Again? Like the last one who wanted to move the office because our neighborhood was full of "lousy locals"? I'm not giving it my all for guys like that! Long live Mexico, man!
(The lights flicker and a bright light goes on outside the window. A voice-over with motivational webinar music plays.)
LEO: (Takes off his headphones, perplexed.) Now what? What's that? A star!
MARIA: (Kneels theatrically.) Forgive us, CEO of the Company! Don't fire us!
(The three employees try to hide under their desks. Gabriel (The Coach) enters, dressed in his shiny blazer with a permanent smile.)
GABRIEL: (In an influencer's voice.) Attention, team! Do not be afraid. I have come to bring you an important message. Do not be afraid, for I am the bearer of false news... I mean, happy news!
LEO: (With his head peeking out.) Now who's this? The life insurance guy?
MARIA: Who is it? He's the Life Coach himself!
GABRIEL: Listen to the message I bring you, because today is your chance to get "divine forgiveness" and "the grace of the Lord."
GUS: Is he giving away Tupperware?
GABRIEL: Listen, I come to announce the "omen" that will come tonight. It will happen "in the east," where the "star" shines (pointing to the flickering light). Follow it, follow it.
GUS: (Looking at the light.) Seriously… I say it's a comet! Or an Amazon Prime drone!
LEO: What comet? That's the Death Star! It's going to crash into the building and give us the day off for a workplace disaster!
MARIA: Oh, shut up! I saw it and it looks like the one from the commercials!
GABRIEL: (With his frozen smile.) It doesn't matter if you see it or not. What matters is that faith will lead you to "enlighten your existence."
(Just then, a maintenance worker (no dialogue) enters, dragging his feet. He has a bright pink star, like the ones used on piñatas, taped to the end of a broom handle.)
MARIA: Be quiet, he's coming! The star is coming!
MAINTENANCE WORKER: (He puts it on the "Intern of the Year" nativity with a scowl and leaves.)
LEO: (Staring at the decoration, his voice flat.) Oh... so that was the effing star...
(He immediately corrects himself.)
LEO: ...show some respect, man.
(The employees, except for Leo, follow the Coach with enthusiasm.)
SCENE III
(The office has been transformed, but now it's an improvised market corner. Tables are covered with all kinds of items of questionable origin: Tupperware with food, clothes from catalogs, and jars of miracle creams. In one corner, a silent vendor (no dialogue) offers their products. The three employees enter, arguing.)
GUS: Now what? Do we have to buy a gift for the plastic Baby Jesus from the filing cabinet?
LEO: Yeah, it's the tradition, right? If we don't, the "Boss of All Bosses" will give us a headcount reduction.
MARIA: I think we should do a "gift exchange" that no one takes seriously. But let's be clear: the limit is one hundred dollars!
GUS: One hundred?! Oh, no! Last time I got a pair of teddy bear pajamas that faded after the first wash. And I gave a capsule coffee maker to the guy in Accounting...
LEO: (Sarcastically.) ...who gave you a company mug. I know the end of that story.
MARIA: Exactly! It's never fair! And now we have to buy something for the Baby Jesus. I propose we all buy a single gift together, but a really good one.
GUS: A big gift? Like a flat-screen TV for the break room?
LEO: (Rolling his eyes.) No, for Baby Jesus, you idiot. I mean, for the Intern of the Year.
(Suddenly, Loki and Bee appear, watching them from a distance. Loki has a malicious glint in his eyes.)
LOKI: (Whispering to Bee.) Aha! I sense the greed in their "negotiations"! The envy! They are the perfect "human capital"!
BEE: What's the plan, boss? Do we sell them something from our "stock of sins"?
LOKI: (With a shark-like smile.) Better. We'll do a "gift exchange" with them. We'll give them something they think is valuable, while I get to keep their "cubicle souls."
(Loki and Bee approach the employees. Loki goes into "used car salesman" mode.)
LOKI: Hey, hey! Friends! I see you're in a very promising "brainstorming session." Do you need help deciding on the perfect gift for the "Intern of the Year"?
MARIA: And who are you? The IT guy?
LOKI: (Seductively.) I'm the "High-Impact Gift" specialist! And I have the perfect "deal of the day" for you.
(Bee takes out a small case and opens it with a flourish. Inside are three small shiny objects: a fake wireless earbud, a plastic Swiss Army knife, and a fancy business card.)
BEE: We have the "Automatic Promotion Kit"! An earbud so you can pretend to be on an "important call," a knife so you can "cut the budget" mercilessly, and a business card that boosts your social status.
MARIA: (Her eyes gleaming.) Really? And what do we have to give in return?
LOKI: (With a televangelist's voice.) You only have to "give me" your "hopes for the end-of-year bonus." It's a "small price" to pay for "corporate glory."
(The employees hesitate. Maria wants the earbud, Gus the knife for his Tupperware, and Leo just laughs at all of them. Suddenly, the lights flicker.)
GUS: Oh, no! They're starting their magic tricks again!
(Gabriel (The Coach) enters, covered in a hospital sheet that looks like a "cloak of invisibility.")
GABRIEL: (Suspecting, he smells the air.) ...It smells like... gifts of questionable origin here? We have to "get the evil out"... with an "accountability report"!
LOKI: (With a guttural voice.) Stay out of this, Gabriel! These "employees" are mine.
GABRIEL: "Third-rate recruiter"! Your lies and "gifts" can't fight against the "power of the Lord."
(Loki and Gabriel confront each other verbally, while the employees argue among themselves about which gift is better. The confrontation turns into a ridiculous battle of sales pitches.)
FINAL SCENE: The Great Corporate Showdown and Holiday Reconciliation
(The office lights go out completely, plunging it into darkness. Only the light from the computer screens is visible. The sound of keyboards and Gus's stomach rumbling is heard.)
GUS: (Feeling his way in.) I can't take the hunger anymore. I haven't eaten anything in...
LEO: (With his cell phone flashlight.) Ten minutes! Didn't you just eat fifteen muffins by yourself?
MARIA: (From a distance.) Where are you? I'm more lost than in the accounting aisle at the end of the month!
(Suddenly, Loki and Bee appear, their silhouettes barely visible in the darkness. Their voices sound like tempting whispers.)
LOKI: (Seductively.) Don't be afraid, little "human resources." I have come to offer you one last chance. Join me, and I promise you a bonus so big you can buy a house in Beverly Hills. Not a specialization in Korea, but a full trip to Korea... in first class!
BEE: (With a squeaky voice.) And I'll give you the creamiest chocolate cake in the world!
GUS: (Sniffing.) Cake! Where?!
(From the other side, the glowing figure of Gabriel appears, his blazer shining in the darkness.)
GABRIEL: (With a guru's voice.) Stop, you creatures of greed! Don't fall into their traps. True happiness isn't measured in bonuses. Join me and I promise you inner peace! The satisfaction of a job well done! A "work environment" without toxicity!
LOKI: Shut up, "coach"! Your promises are as empty as a Monday morning meeting. Inner peace? My clients want "buying power" and "status"!
BEE: Boss, boss! There he is! The intern! (She points to the nativity scene.)
(Loki approaches the nativity, whispering to the plastic Intern of the Year.)
LOKI: You, little "Intern of the Year," are the most valuable of all! I offer you the position of General Manager! You just have to sign this "indefinite contract" with a confidentiality and eternal loyalty clause.
GABRIEL: (Shouting at Loki.) Leave him alone! The Intern is not a "resource"! He is the "promise" of a better future!
(The confrontation becomes a ridiculous power struggle between the three employees and the forces of good and evil. Loki and Bee try to convince them with material offers, while Gabriel harasses them with motivational speeches.)
LOKI: Come on, Maria! Join us! We'll give you the "position" you deserve. The specialization in Korea will be yours. The new boss from Seoul will have nothing to say. No one has charms like you!
MARIA: (Hesitating.) Really? A real position?
GABRIEL: Don't listen to her! Maria, true charm doesn't come in "company benefits"! It comes from "gratitude"!
LEO: (Tired.) That's enough! For crying out loud, shut up, both of you! This is worse than an end-of-year meeting! You both promise things you can't deliver. You (to Loki) sell us corporate smoke, and you (to Gabriel) sell us happiness, which is more or less the same thing.
GUS: (Pointing at both of them.) I just want my tamale sandwich! And the cake! I'm leaving!
(Gus exits, frustrated. Maria stays, looking at Loki, and Leo looks at Gabriel.)
LOKI: Come on, Maria! Choose your destiny. Do you want to be the "Queen of E-commerce" or continue to be a "third-rate employee"?
GABRIEL: Leo! You have the "wisdom" to choose good! Choose "dignified work"!
(Maria approaches Loki and Leo approaches Gabriel. Suddenly, they look at themselves and the Intern of the Year in the nativity scene.)
MARIA: You know what? For once... I don't want the bonus or the trip. I'm staying.
LEO: (Smiling at her.) Me too. I'd rather stay here than in corporate hell.
(Maria and Leo walk off together, leaving Loki, Bee, and Gabriel in the darkness. The only one left is Gus, who has returned.)
GUS: (From a distance.) And the cake? Doesn't anyone want cake?
LOKI: What?! They're not taking them?! My bonus! It's not fair! Bee, let's go! We have a very important "evaluation meeting"!
(Loki and Bee lament and run off. Gabriel is left alone, looking at the audience.)
GABRIEL: (With a guru's voice, trying to stay composed.) You see? The "holiday spirit" is stronger than any "corporate benefit"! Now, all we have to do is find a new "team" for the next "training"! (He sighs.) Hmm... speaking of spirit... (He starts to hum, searching for the lyrics.) "The shepherds run so fast, their feet are filled with..." Oh, I don't know it! I lost the lyrics!
(Suddenly, Loki and Bee reappear, peeking out timidly.)
LOKI: (Completing the phrase in a mocking but rhythmic tone.) "...the soles of their feet are burning hot!" Ha ha ha ha!
BEE: (Joining in.) The shepherds run so fast, their feet are filled with the soles of their feet are burning hot!
GABRIEL: (Surprised, but then smiling.) That's it! Come on, sing with me!
(Loki, Bee, and Gabriel start singing the carol. Maria, Leo, and Gus (who has returned) join them with enthusiasm. While they sing, a bright pink star-shaped piñata comes down from the ceiling.)
EVERYONE: (Singing in unison.)
Los pastores a Belén
Corren presurosos
Llevan, de tanto correr
Los zapatos rotos
Ay, ay, ay, ¡qué alegres van!, ay, ay, ay si volverán
Con la pan-pan-pan, con la de-de-de
Con la pan-, con la de-, con la pandereta
Y las castañuelas...
Un pastor se tropezó
A media vereda
Y un borreguito gritó
"Ese ahí se queda"
Ay, ay, ay, ¡qué alegres van!, reiré si volverán
Con la pan-pan-pan, con la de-de-de
Con la pan-, con la de-, con la pandereta
Y las castañuelas...
Los pastores a Belén
Casi, casi vuelan
Y es que de tanto correr
No les quedan suelas
Ay, ay, ay, ¡qué alegres van!,
ay, ay, ay si volverán
Con la pan-pan-pan, con la de-de-de
Con la pan-, con la de-, con la pandereta
Y las castañuelas
Ay, ay, ay, ¡qué alegres van!, reiré si volverán
Con la pan-pan-pan, con la de-de-de
Con la pan-, con la de-, con la pandereta
Y las castañuelas
"Los pastores corren presurosos,
tienen de tanto correr los zapatos rotos...
Navidad, Navidad, hoy es Navidad,
es la fiesta del amor y la felicidad.
Navidad, Navidad, hoy es Navidad,
es la fiesta del amor y la felicidad."
(After the carol, everyone gathers around the piñata. One of the actors hands Gus a stick.)
GUS: (With the stick held high.) All right! This is my time to shine!
EVERYONE: (Shouting with excitement.) Dale, dale, dale! No pierdas el tino! Porque si lo pierdes, pierdes el camino! Dale, dale, dale! Dale sin temor! Que en esta piñata hay mucho amor!
(Gus hits the piñata until it breaks. Candy, peanuts, and some toy "gift cards" fall out. The actors pick up the candy and distribute it to the audience.)
THE END
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