THE RESCUE IS CANCELED: PRINCES AND DRAGONS IN DISTRESS!

THE RESCUE IS CANCELED

Princes and Dragons in Distress!

de benjamin gavarre

® BENJAMIN GAVARRE SILVA

benjavarre@gmail.com

Reparto:

CAST OF CHARACTERS:

• PRINCE PHILIP (Kingdom of Lemos): The textbook knight. He speaks poetically, strikes heroic poses constantly, and firmly believes in traditional fairy tale rules.
• PRINCESS TIFFANY (Kingdom of Pratzia): The professional damsel... at first. Dramatic, expert in aesthetic fainting, but with a very short patience limit that will break the mold.
• BRAD THE BULLY: The typical neighborhood tough guy who thinks everything is solved with fists. He hides a big need for attention and approval.
• PRINCE CHAD (The Dragon/Influencer): Under the huge plush monster suit hides a prince punished for his extreme vanity. He lives trapped in the search for followers and engagement.
• MERLIN THE PIXIE: The engine of chaos and sanity. He is the only one who knows what is really happening and is in charge of applying "psychological therapy" at the end.
• KING BARNABY: The King of Pratzia. Obsessed with banquets, old protocols, and things being done "the way they’ve always been done."

Act 1: The Presentation of the Myth

EXT. IN FRONT OF THE CLOSED CURTAIN - DAYDreadful electronic roars and the sound of dragging chains are heard. MERLIN THE PIXIE steps out from between the curtains with a giant book under his arm and a bored expression. He looks at the audience.

Merlin

(To the audience) Once upon a time... Oh, please, what a boring start! Look, let me give you some context. We are in the Kingdom of Pratzia. People here are completely obsessed with traditions. If the manual says to be terrified, they get terrified. And right now, there is total panic because rumor has it a massive dragon is coming to devour Princess Tiffany at exactly five o'clock this afternoon. Want to see the monster? Check this out...

Merlin makes a gesture with his hands. The huge plush head of the DRAGON peeks out from the curtain. It lets out a clumsy, exaggerated roar, but a sign hangs from its neck that reads: "Free Buffet Today".

Dragon

ROAAAR! I have a fierce hunger! Smells like a theater audience! I'm going to carry you all away in a giant container for dinner if you don't hand over the princess! Hey, seriously, someone tell me where the palace is because my stomach is growling! ROAAAR!

The Dragon clumsily hides back, bumping its head against the stage frame. Merlin smiles.

Merlin

See? Everyone is horrified. But just like in every old tale, in the presence of a great monster, the... "heroes" always show up. Behold the level of competition.

The curtain opens. We are in the town square. KING BARNABY enters, a fat and pompous man, wiping his tears with a giant silk handkerchief. Next to him, PRINCESS TIFFANY poses dramatically, holding her forehead as if she's about to faint at any moment.

King Barnaby

Oh, what a traditional tragedy! The clock is ticking, it's almost five in the afternoon, and the beast will come for my beautiful daughter. Listen up, everyone, citizens of Pratzia and neighboring lands: I offer my daughter's hand in marriage and half my wealth to the most macho, strong, and brave knight who brings me the head of that overgrown lizard!

Princess Tiffany

(In a tragic, theatrical voice) Oh, wretched me! Who will be the gallant knight to risk his life for this humble, defenseless damsel? I hope he's tall, has blue eyes, and that his shield matches my gala slippers. Oh, I'm swooning!

Tiffany slowly lets herself fall onto a cushion that a servant quickly places beneath her. PRINCE PHILIP enters the stage doing acrobatic flips. He stops dead center, draws his toy sword, and adopts a Greek statue pose, gazing into the horizon.

Philip

Fear not, noble monarch! Cry no more, rose of the morning! I, Prince Philip, sole and legitimate heir to the Kingdom of Lemos, have come to fulfill my equestrian destiny. My sword is blessed by honor, and my hair is perfectly styled for battle. I shall rescue the damsel because that is what a real man does!

Princess Tiffany

(Opening one eye from the cushion) Well, the speech was a bit long, but the haircut is acceptable. I'll give you a seven out of ten, prince.

BRAD THE BULLY enters, pushing past the scenery. He walks with arched shoulders, acting tough and speaking in a raspy voice.

Brad

Make way, wimps! Take off your capes, the real terror of monsters has arrived! Look here, fat King, keep that porcelain prince in his display case. The Dragon is mine. I don't need poetic speeches; I fix things with my fists. I'm taking the princess and the entire wedding buffet! Let's see who's got real power here!

Philip

(Offended, adjusting his cape) What audacity! Your language is as rustic as your manners, rough knight. We shall meet on the battlefield, and history will judge who the true protagonist is.

Brad

(Gives him a shoulder shove) You're history, Philip! Last one to the forest is a rotten egg. See ya there!

Brad runs off coarsely. Philip strikes a heroic exit pose and runs after him gracefully. King Barnaby applauds.

King Barnaby

Excellent! This is getting terribly exciting! Let us go set the tables for the banquet; all this stress is making me incredibly hungry.

✦ ✦ ✦

Act 2: The Encounter at the Inn

INT. AN INN ALONG THE WAY - DAYThere is a table and a couple of wooden benches. Brad is sitting down, devouring a giant loaf of bread with his hands, chewing with his mouth wide open. Philip enters, dusts off his shoulder with a handkerchief, and sits at the next table.

Philip

Innkeeper, please bring a glass of spring water with two drops of lemon to refresh my heroic throat. The road to glory is quite dusty.

Brad

(Glances at him, swallows the bread in one gulp, and stands up abruptly, slamming the table) Hey, you, tights-boy. Are you following me? Or are you too scared to enter the forest alone and need a real man to watch your back?

Philip

(Stands up calmly, keeping his back straight) Master Brad, my moral compass forbids me from experiencing fear. I merely stopped to hydrate my vocal cords. But I see your hostility is as vast as your lack of hygiene.

Brad

Oh, you want a piece of me? Draw your sword if you're that eager to lose! I'm gonna give you a beating that'll leave your armor ready for the scrap heap. Defend yourself!

Brad lunges to deliver a giant, predictable punch. Philip, with an agile fencing movement, steps aside and dodges the blow. Brad loses his balance from the momentum and is about to crash headfirst into the wooden table. At the absolute last millisecond, Philip slides his arm around Brad's waist, catching him with strength and elegance to keep him from getting hurt. They freeze in that pose for three seconds: Philip holding Brad like a ballroom dancer, and Brad with his eyes wide open, inches away from Philip's face. Brief romantic music plays and cuts off abruptly.

Philip

(In a soft, courteous voice) Steady, knight. A warrior without balance is merely a hazard to the furniture. Are you unharmed?

Brad

(Completely thrown off, pulls away roughly, nervously straightens his vest, and starts stuttering, blushing) Huh? Yeah... I mean... of course I'm fine! Why did you grab me like that? That's... that's not in the rules of tavern brawls. Men punch each other, they don't... they don't save each other from tables with such delicacy.

Philip

(Smiling, putting away his handkerchief) Strength without grace is nothing but clumsiness, Brad. The true art of combat lies in protecting your opponent while defeating him.

Brad

(Looking at the floor, twiddling his fingers, in a shy voice) Hey... you've got a pretty good grip... you're pretty strong in the arm... I mean, I'm gonna destroy you tomorrow in the woods! Don't you forget it! You're my mortal enemy! Bye!

Brad runs out of the inn in a huge hurry, tripping over the door, visibly confused by his own sudden feelings. Philip looks at him, puzzled.

Philip

A very peculiar fellow. Terrible combat posture, but his eyes betray a certain nobility. Ah well, the damsel awaits.

✦ ✦ ✦

Act 3: The Forest and the Uncomfortable Princess

EXT. THE BLACK FOREST - SUNSETPrincess Tiffany is tied to a prop tree with a very loose rope. Seeing Philip approach, she quickly drops her relaxed stance and begins to complain dramatically.

Princess Tiffany

Oh, help! Rescue me! The monster approaches and I am but a fragile wild flower helpless against cruel fate! Let a knight come and rescue me!

Philip

(Runs in, drops to his knees before her, and takes her hand) Fear not, my lady! The shield of Lemos has arrived to break your bonds! Before I proceed to sever these ropes with my tempered steel, I shall recite the official rescue poem, as stipulated in Article 12 of the Knight's Manual. «Oh, maiden of the keep, whose eyes...»

Princess Tiffany

(Breaking character completely, in a flat, bored voice) Look, look, hold on a second, Philip. Are you serious right now? The sun is beating directly on my face, this tree has ants, and the knot is digging right into my left rib. Can we skip the poetry and just untie me?

Philip

(Offended, standing up) But Princess! Protocol is crystal clear. If I do not recite the poem before untying you, the rescue has no legal validity in the royal chronicles. We must maintain the storybook decorum.

Princess Tiffany

To hell with decorum! I've been practicing this faint for two hours and my calf is cramping up. Either you untie me or I do it myself, because my dad tied this knot and it's absolute garbage.

✦ ✦ ✦

Act 4: The Appearance of the Dragon

EXT. THE BLACK FOREST - CONTINUEDA terrifying roar is heard. The DRAGON enters, throwing red crepe paper streamers from its mouth and waving its claws. Tiffany snaps back into textbook panic mode.

Dragon

ROAAAR! Dinner time! Grilled princess with a side of knights! Nobody move!

Philip

For the honor of my kingdom! Die, beast!

Philip lunges into attack. Suddenly, BRAD charges out of the bushes holding a tree branch, trying to push Philip out of the way.

Brad

Get out of the way, Philip! The credit for this kill is mine! I'm delivering the final blow!

Physical comedy chaos ensues: Brad trips over Philip's cape, Philip tries to dodge the Dragon, and in the mess, Philip's sword flies through the air and accidentally smacks the Dragon right in the stomach. The Dragon lets out a high-pitched yelp, wobbles dramatically, and crashes onto its back. MERLIN THE PIXIE pops out from behind the tree carrying a bucket full of confetti and some plastic leafy branches.

Merlin

Quick, you pair of geniuses! It's not dead, just dazed! This isn't a real monster; it's a victim of the "Fierce Hunger Curse"! To break the spell we must perform the ancient ritual! Brad, hit it gently on the back with the magic branches! Philip, the confetti water!

Brad, thoroughly confused, begins to rhythmically tap the Dragon on the back with the branches. Philip takes the bucket and dumps all the confetti over the monster's head, performing ballet spins around it. The Dragon starts to complain, but its voice begins to sound human.

Dragon

Ouch! No, not the branches! Confeti makes my nose itchy! I feel like I'm deflating! Oh, my hair!

The Dragon does one final roll on the floor. Philip and Brad pull off the big plush head together. From inside emerges PRINCE CHAD.

✦ ✦ ✦

Act 5: The Influencer’s Awakening and Merlin's Therapy

EXT. THE BLACK FOREST - CONTINUED

Prince Chad

(Talking incredibly fast, in a modern content creator tone) Hey, hey, what's up, my beautiful people! Welcome back to another livestream on my channel! You won't believe today's extreme challenge: trapped for three years in a plush dragon suit with zero Wi-Fi signal and absolutely no engagement! Total madness! Remember to smash that like button, subscribe, and hit the notification bell... (He frantically checks his clothes, panicking) Wait a minute! Where is my phone?! How many followers do I have left?! Am I still trending?!

Princess Tiffany

(Stepping forward, checking him out from top to bottom, impressed by his looks) Well... The Knight's Manual completely left out the detail that the monster was a television heartthrob. I suppose... now that we’ve broken your curse, protocol says you must fall in love with me at first sight, ask for my hand in marriage, and upload a photo of our royal engagement to the kingdom's social media.

Prince Chad

(Analyzing Tiffany with his fingers on his chin) Let's see, let me check your profile... Princess Tiffany. You’ve got a good color palette, excellent natural lighting... If we get married in a live event, we’d make a brutal collaborative stream. We could gain ten thousand followers in an hour! (He turns to Philip, analyzing him too) Although... hey, you, the one in the shiny armor. You have incredible facial symmetry for fashion challenge videos. If I colab with you, we’d break the Lemos algorithm. (He turns to Brad) And you! The tough guy with the bad attitude. The "preppy boy meets bad boy" contrast is totally trending on all platforms right now... Oh, I don't know who to choose to generate the most content! I'm losing my focus! Who gives me the most engagement?!

Chad enters a digital anxiety crisis, spinning on his own axis and posing dramatically in front of the three.

Princess Tiffany

(Dropping the act completely, thoroughly disappointed) You know what? Everything is canceled. How dreadful. This boy isn't looking for a life partner, he's looking for a living banner ad. I'm over fairy tales. What a relief. Come to think of it, Chad's brain is fried from screens, Philip talks like a boring book from the last century, and I have better things to do. I'm going to the royal university to study law and public administration. I'm going to rule Pratzia by myself and with a clear head. Keep your followers, Chad!

KING BARNABY runs in, very agitated.

King Barnaby

By all the royal banquets! I heard the shouting from the palace. Who is this heavily hair-gelled young man and where is the dragon's corpse I promised for the official royal photo? Someone has to get married right now, the food is going to get cold!

Prince Philip

(Takes off his heavy armor and breathes a sigh of relief) Your Majesty, I'm afraid traditional weddings are suspended due to a total lack of romantic interest. And honestly... thank goodness. I detest this armor, it chafes my shoulders, and the metal gives my hair terrible static electricity. I just wanted to fulfill my duty as a responsible neighbor.

Brad the Bully

(Completely ignoring the King and Chad, he approaches Philip shyly, fiddling with the hilt of his sword and blushing a little) Hey... Philip. It’s great that the princess decided to stay single and you’re free from royal commitments... The forest in your kingdom must be very beautiful this time of year, right? Do you think... do you think tomorrow you could teach me that technique you used back at the inn? You have a lot of strength in your arms... I mean, just to improve my combat style in case another... influencer shows up.

Prince Philip

(Smiling warmly, taking his arm in a gentlemanly manner) It will be an absolute honor, Brad. Tomorrow morning we start your flexibility training. You have a lot of potential; you just need to refine your manners. Let's go.

Philip and Brad walk off together toward the exit, chatting happily in low voices. King Barnaby holds his head.

King Barnaby

This is a protocol disaster! I understand absolutely nothing about youth these days!

Merlin

(Approaches Prince Chad, putting a firm and calming hand on his shoulder, leading him away from the King) Alright, alright... calm down, my dear content creator. Your compass of what truly matters in this world is more lost than a dragon in a china shop. You and I need to have a long, long talk.

Prince Chad

(Anxious) But Merlin! I haven't posted a story in three years! My fans are going to think I'm old news! I need Wi-Fi!

Merlin

Not at all. We are going to apply a highly effective ancestral behavioral technique that I invented last Tuesday. Have you ever heard of "Dopamine Detoxification through Prolonged Tree-Hugging with Zero Return on Investment"? It's wonderful for the neurons. It consists of staring fixedly at a pine needle for four straight hours, without being able to apply any beauty filters or look for a phone charger. Move it, back to the woods!

Merlin leads Chad away by the arm. Chad walks submissively but confused, trying to flash a final peace sign toward the audience before exiting.

King Barnaby

(Looking at Princess Tiffany, resigned) Well, daughter... no wedding, the dragon turned out to be a mirror-obsessed boy, and the heroes walked off hand-in-hand to train... But the musicians have already been paid and the taco and cake buffet is served in the grand hall. What do we do?

Princess Tiffany

(Smiling, taking his arm) Well, let's eat, Dad! Because to rule a kingdom and study law tomorrow, I need a completely full stomach. Cue the modern music!

Upbeat, rhythmic, modern music begins to play. The Royals, Tiffany, and all the characters return to the stage, breaking traditional theatrical formations. They dance together freely, funnily, and naturally, waving to the audience and high-fiving each other.

Merlin

(Throwing a final handful of shiny confetti toward the front row of the audience) And snip, snap, snout... this digital tale... has glitched right out! See ya, friends!

THE END

A Shy, A Chad & A Roxy: bilingual version.

A Shy, A Chad & A Roxy

By Benjamin Gavarre

 

® BENJAMIN GAVARRE SILVA

bengavarre@gmail.com

Introduction: The Irresistible Magnetism of Absurdity

What truly triggers human attraction? Is it wealth, a designer wardrobe, or an impeccable seduction manual? In this satirical farce, A Shy, A Chad & A Roxy (also known as The Irresistible Charm of Helpless Toby), we dive headfirst into an absurdist comedy where social roles are entirely inverted. Chad, the ultimate arrogant playboy, discovers that all his millions and sports cars cannot buy the natural, hypnotic charm of his painfully shy servant. Written for a cast of three dynamic actors, this fast-paced piece uses physical humor, sharp social commentary, and witty dialogue to prove that when it comes to love and human connection, the manuals are almost always useless.

English Version: A Shy, A Chad & A Roxy

An Absurdist Comedy in Two Acts

By: Benjamin Gavarre

Genre: Absurdist Comedy / Satirical Farce.

Setting: Los Angeles, California.

Run Time: Short (Approx. 20 minutes).

Cast: 3 characters (2 M, 1 F).

® BENJAMIN GAVARRE SILVA

Characters

• TOBY: The shy, soft-spoken delivery boy. He gets everything without the slightest effort. He carries heavy loads but possesses an involuntary, wild, and hypnotic magnetism for women.
• CHAD: A narcissistic, wealthy, and validation-starved trust-fund playboy who fails miserably at absolutely everything he tries.
• ROXY: Intense, seductive, and fierce. She changes her personality and social status like changing clothes; first appearing as a lady of the night and later as a high-society Beverly Hills socialite.

ACT I: THE GIFT OF SHYNESS

[SETTING]: The stage is completely bare.

1: The Heavy Burden of Shyness and the Latest iPhone

(Enter TOBY, carrying a massive burlap sack on his back that looks like it weighs a hundred pounds. He walks bent double, comically exaggerating the weight. Pillows are slipping out of the sack, and he quickly stuffs them back in on the sly, pretending no one notices. He stops dead, drops the sack with a loud, comically fake pre-recorded crash, and dramatically wipes his sweat).

(Enter CHAD, wearing an impeccable designer suit, dark sunglasses, and talking on a luxury smartphone. He walks with over-the-top confidence, striking poses like a male high-fashion magazine model. He stops in front of an imaginary mirror and vase, fixes his hair, and looks at Toby with deep disgust).

CHAD: (Into the phone) Yeah, so I just arrived at this sketchy neighborhood... Down... Downtown LA? Somewhere near Skid Row, I think... Seriously, this place needs an immediate air freshener. (Hangs up, pulls out a silk handkerchief, and wipes his own designer boots). Oh, please. Say what you want, but the people in this town have terrible taste. (To Toby) Hey, you, servant boy, clean my shoes… Or what? Do you think you're hot stuff just because you’re a cute little helper? You might be cute, but I want you to be my slave. Come on, boy, you’ll never be like me… You might be handsome, but you lack... initiative, worldliness, class! Everything I have in abundance.

(Against all odds, little Toby kneels to clean his boots... Chad, the arrogant jerk, pulls out a wad of cash and stuffs it into his new servant's sack).

CHAD: I like that you’re helpful… You’re going to follow me around all night… (Toby is about to say something, but Chad covers his mouth) Shh, shh, shut up and learn!

2: The Shady Wellness Spa and Prop Grapes

(Transition: The lighting changes drastically to deep red and neon tones, marking the entrance to a sketchy massage spa and "something more.")

(ROXY arrives at the front desk, dressed very sexily, swaying her hips in an exaggerated manner).

ROXY: (As if she had known Toby her whole life) Toby, honey, come on in...! We all know you around here because you’re so handsome. The boss ordered a VIP massage just for you; a delicious blend of honey, nectar, and sandalwood oils... Come in, Toby, step into our room of pleasure! (She spots Chad and her tone instantly changes to absolute disgust). Ah, you brought company… Sorry, big guy, we have nothing for you today. Try another day... Tuesdays might work.

CHAD: (Arrogant, completely ignoring Roxy. He adjusts his suit jacket and shoves Toby out of the way). Move it, slave! I’m the one with the black Amex, so I’m the one who deserves the massage. Not you. What do you mean Tuesday? You serve me right now or I’ll have this third-rate joint shut down. You don’t know who I am; I am Chad the Influencer, or Chad the Alpha Male, whichever you prefer… (Furious because Roxy is ignoring him, he takes it out on Toby and yanks a few hairs from his head).

TOBY: (Rubbing his head) Hey, man! That hurts, you idiot! You just pulled out three of my hairs!

(Roxy quickly darts in and out of the scene. In one of her entrances, she leaves a small table with a porcelain fruit bowl. Chad continues to block Toby's path).

CHAD: (Takes some fake grapes from the fruit bowl, bites one, and makes a face of pure disgust). Gross! Plastic! I want popcorn, cherries, something fitting my status... serrano ham, brie cheese… (Looking at Toby with sheer frustration). Toby… you’re just a shy, pathetic mover forced to carry that filthy sack. You probably eat beans, tortillas, and that kind of stuff… Tacos, ew… I was born to do absolutely nothing… I don’t work, you know… I just enjoy life, and I eat caviar, lasagna, salmon, truffles, live lobster… I don’t work, my life is divine… If I ever had to carry sacks—which is practically impossible, hahaha—they would be made of imported silk. You get pushed around because you’re a nobody, a loser from the… lower class. I am the one blessed with money and taste… I’m the one getting massaged with mango oils and raspberry cream. Of course!

(Chad notices that a couple of invisible women in the audience are smiling and blowing kisses to Toby. He loses his mind).

CHAD: Stop it! Can anyone tell me why they are blowing kisses to you and completely ignoring me? Hey, look at me! Look at MEEEE!

TOBY: It's just... you walk like you have a selfie stick shoved up your...

CHAD: (Offended, pulls a broomstick out of nowhere that was hidden behind his back and throws it to the ground in a rage). Enough! You’re just a simple, shy helper. You might be handsome, but I’m the one with the cash, the sports car, and the swagger!

3: Corner Love and Displaced Discounts for the Shy

(They exit the Spa without getting any massage. The lighting changes to a dark street corner under a red neon streetlamp).

(Toby stands next to Chad like a loyal servant, carrying his heavy sack and waiting for orders. Chad approaches ROXY—who is now working as a lady of the night—posing like a cheesy reality TV star).

CHAD: Oh, Venus of Hollywood, sexy nymph of the dark nights! Would you grant me a kiss from those lips that taste like heaven?

ROXY: (Adjusts her skirt with deep contempt). A kiss? You smell like expensive cologne mixed with stale garlic, gym sweat, and pure desperation... Nobody asks for kisses here, playboy. But if that’s what you want, it’ll cost you the VIP overnight rate.

(TOBY bursts out laughing at the rejection and falls to the ground, legs kicking up in the air with pure joy).

ROXY: (Watching Toby’s movements with sudden desire). Hmm... but I’ll charge your friend with the sack way less. He’s hot, and with his legs up like that, you can tell he’s got... a lot of agility.

CHAD: Oh, please! He’s not my friend, he’s my servant… Sure, he’s agile, but he’s so shy he can barely speak!

ROXY: Ah, I give discounts to the shy guys. What’s up, handsome? Come on, I’ll charge you pocket change, but you cover the Uber and the hotel...

CHAD: (Leaning on the broomstick from the floor as if it were a golf club, striking a Greek statue pose). Oh, clueless maiden! I am the king of the crypto wallet! You don’t know what you’re missing... I’ll pay for the whole night right now and take you in an Uber Black to the best hotel in Beverly Hills.

ROXY: Alright, fine... but on one condition: the shy guy comes too, and he gets to watch us work.

CHAD: (Swallowing his pride). Sure... There’s always room for a beautiful lady in a luxury ride, babe. Move it, slave! Grab your bag, we’re taking you with us more out of pity than because you’re pretty.

ACT II: THE MYSTERY OF THE BIRTHMARK

[SETTING]: The stage is now decorated with a gold-patterned folding screen that wobbles dangerously every time anyone walks near it.

4: The Wholesale District Aristocracy

(Roxy has removed her lady-of-the-night outfit; she is now a high-society socialite dressed in an elegant, bright red satin gown. She fans herself furiously. In a corner, TOBY is shaking uncontrollably. Tied tightly to a chair with a thick rope is CHAD, looking completely humiliated).

ROXY: (Floats regally across the stage, circling Toby like a lioness stalking her prey. She stops in front of him and lifts his chin with her fan). Oh, Shy Boy, look at me! Your silence is not shyness... it’s the mystery of great men. Tell me, Toby... confess what your heart is hiding. I know you are dying of love for me. Can't you imagine us together, parading through the grand halls of high society?

TOBY: (Blinks rapidly, flattered for a second. He adjusts his shirt collar and tries to sound like a smooth charmer, though his voice comes out high-pitched). Well... y-yes... I... I d-don't do too b-bad at parties... At my cousin’s wedding, I danced the "Line Dance" without missing a single step... Well, it’s not ballroom dancing, but it counts...

ROXY: (Exagerating the romance, taking his hands). I knew it! You shall be my king. I will take you to the most exclusive dinners in Beverly Hills. You will eat caviar from silver platters and champagne-glazed quail. I will surround you with important people: movie producers, plastic surgeons, corrupt politicians! Everyone will applaud your gentlemanly poise. Come on, say it! Say you dream of kissing my satin lips under the Paris moon!

TOBY: (Stares at her. His smile completely vanishes. He starts breaking out in a cold sweat, looking utterly disgusted and desperate). C-caviar? But... those are raw fish eggs... and raw seafood gives me t-terrible heartburn! And... and those important people... why would they even l-look at me? M-ma'am... your f-face is way too close... your b-breath smells like imported cigars and caesar salad... I... I'm having a l-lower-middle-class panic attack! Get away! This just got way too grotesque!

CHAD: (Trying to break free, yelling from the chair). He’s a total redneck, Roxy! A peasant who prefers street food! Free me instead, I actually speak French and know how to use a salad fork!

ROXY: (Ignores Chad completely. Shifts from seduction to mystical suspicion, narrowing her eyes). Your rejection... that utter contempt for exotic food... That anxiety belongs to old money! Your stuttering makes me think you are the long-lost son of a Lithuanian billionaire, who forced you to carry bags in the LA Wholesale District just to learn the value of hard work. Confess... I know you have blue blood!

TOBY: (Shaking even harder and scratching his neck). M-m-ma'am... I... I d-don't know if my d-dad is a billionaire... All I know is that you are p-pinching my stomach with your giant acrylic nails with sparkly rhinestones.

ROXY: (Falls dramatically to her knees, clasping her hands together). I knew it! Show me the heraldic proof of your noble birth! You must have a star-shaped birthmark... Or a cross, a cross, double cross, devil leave and angels boss!

TOBY: Help, Chad! This woman has completely lost her mind... I do have a birthmark on my butt, but it looks exactly like my dad's, and he’s just a baker!

5: Revelations of Noble Birth and a Paper Storm

CHAD: (With an epic, exaggerated yank, snaps the ropes instantly. He rips open his designer shirt, showing his chest with tragic pride). Liar! Blind woman! I am the one with the star-shaped birthmark! Look at it, it’s flawless, like the North Star! Look closely, Lady Roxy! I am the billionaire, I am the playboy, I am a direct descendant of European aristocrats!

(Roxy freezes in her kneeling pose. Her face transitions from mystical devotion to absolute coldness. Chad's "triumphant act" fails completely. She rises slowly, brushing off her red satin skirt with utter contempt).

ROXY: (In a flat, dry tone). You have a star on your chest... and you are a total snob, a wannabe, a royal pain in the neck; an arrogant jerk, you annoy me. Gross. It doesn’t matter, Toby; even if you’re the baker’s son and don’t have a dime, I want you. Let’s go inside so you can show me that birthmark on your butt!

TOBY: (Panicking completely, shivering). N-no, m-ma'am... it's j-just... my birthmark i-itch-ches a lot, and when it i-itches, I... I... get kind of horny...

ROXY: (Screaming toward the wings). Chad! Bring a bucket of ice water to cool down my Toby’s burning fever! Because tonight, I’m getting my man no matter what!

(Chad, heartbroken and furious at losing yet again to the servant, runs behind the folding screen, grabs a blue mop bucket, and throws a massive wave of blue confetti and metallic cellophane strips over both of them).

CHAD: Taste my ice-cold water, you hobo! And you too, your highness!

6: The Flight of the Heir and the New Designer Slave

TOBY: (Suffering a total shyness meltdown from the "bath"). Aaaaah! Can’t stand it! (Overcome with panic, Toby grabs his massive hundred-pound burlap sack, tosses it over his shoulder with surprising agility, but at the last second decides to slam it onto the floor... Liberated, he dashes off the stage at full speed). Heeeelp!

ROXY: (Staring at the empty space, dumbfounded. She slowly turns toward Chad, her face flushed with rage). What have you done, you jerk? You scared off my shy boy! You ruined my night and left me hanging!

CHAD: (Bragging, fixing his shirt collar). You’re welcome, babe. I saved you from a peasant. Now, let's hit the road, the night is still young... and you and I...

ROXY: (Snatches the broomstick that Chad threw on the floor in the first act and raises it like a whip). You and I? What you are going to do is pay for my psychological damage! (She whacks him across the legs with the broom). Move it!

CHAD: (Hopping in pain). Ow! My Gucci pants!

ROXY: (Points toward the direction where Toby fled, where the "heavy" sack was conveniently left behind on the floor). Pick up that bag my golden dream left behind and walk! If you wanted action tonight, you’re my new heavy-lifting cargo slave! Move it, giddy up, discount playboy!

CHAD: (Bent double, whining and trying to dodge the broom strikes while struggling to lift the heavy bag). Help! This was not in the seduction manual! Ow, my mango oils! Oh, wretched meeee!

(Roxy chases Chad off the stage with broom strikes while he whines dramatically).

THE END

Un Tímido, Un Chad y Una Roxy

de Benjamin Gavarre

 

® BENJAMIN GAVARRE SILVA

Prólogo: El magnetismo irresistible del absurdo

¿Qué es lo que realmente desata la atracción humana? ¿El dinero, la ropa de diseñador o un manual de seducción infalible? En esta farsa satírica, Un Tímido, Un Chad y Una Roxy (o El encanto irresistible de Huguito el Tímido), nos sumergimos en una comedia del absurdo donde los roles sociales se invierten por completo. Chad, el arquetipo del mirrey arrogante, descubre que todos sus millones y autos deportivos no pueden comprar el magnetismo natural e hipnótico de su asustadizo criado. Escrita para tres personajes llenos de energía, esta obra corta utiliza el humor físico, la sátira social y el diálogo mordaz para demostrar que el manual de conquista casi nunca funciona.

Versión en Español: Un Tímido, Un Chad y Una Roxy

O El encanto irresistible de Huguito el Tímido

Por: Benjamín Gavarre

Género: Comedia del absurdo / Farsa satírica.

Duración: Corta (Aprox. 15-20 minutos).

Elenco: 3 personajes (2 hombres, 1 mujer).

Sinopsis: Chad es un "mirrey" adinerado, narcisista y desesperado por atención que fracasa rotundamente en todo lo que intenta. Hugo es su criado: un cargador extremadamente tímido, callado y arrastra para todos lados un costal mugroso. Contra toda lógica, Hugo posee un atractivo involuntario, salvaje e hipnótico que desata las pasiones de Roxy, una intensa mujer de la noche convertida en dama de alta sociedad. Entre masajes sospechosos, uvas de utilería, escobazos y un misterioso lunar, esta obra demuestra que el dinero no compra el "pegue"... y que el manual de seducción casi nunca funciona.

Personajes

• HUGO: El criado tímido. Consigue todo sin el menor esfuerzo. Carga bultos pesados, pero posee un imán involuntario, salvaje e hipnótico para las mujeres.
• CHAD: Un playboy narcisista, adinerado, presumido y desesperado por atención, que fracasa rotundamente en absolutamente todo lo que intenta.
• ROXY: Intensa, seductora y de armas tomar. Cambia de personalidad y estatus social como quien cambia de ropa; primero como mujer de la noche y luego como dama de la alta sociedad.

ACTO I: EL DON DE LA TIMIDEZ

[ESCENOGRAFÍA]: El escenario está completamente desnudo.

1: La pesada carga de la timidez y el celular de última generación

(Entra HUGO cargando a la espalda un saco enorme de yute o de nixtamal que parece pesar cincuenta kilos. Camina doblado por la mitad, exagerando el peso de forma cómica. Del saco se salen almohadas y él las mete rápidamente con disimulo, como si nadie se diera cuenta. Se detiene en seco, deja caer el saco con un estruendo sordo (Una grabación obvia y cómica) y se limpia el sudor dramáticamente).

(Entra CHAD, vestido con un traje de diseñador impecable, lentes oscuros y hablando por un teléfono celular lujosísimo. Camina con exceso de seguridad, haciendo poses de modelo de revista de alta moda masculina. Se detiene ante un espejo y un florero imaginarios, se acomoda el cabello y mira a Hugo con profundo desprecio).

CHAD: (Al teléfono) Sí, fíjate que ya llegué al barrio bajo... Bondo… Bondo… algo… Sí, JITO… por Mich, chim, algo como Tehuacán… De verdad, el ambiente aquí necesita un aromatizante urgente. (Cuelga, saca un pañuelo de seda y limpia sus propios zapatos, unas botas). Ay, por favor. Di lo que quieras, pero la gente de este pueblo tiene un gusto pésimo. (A Hugo) Oye, tú, criado, límpiame los zapatos… ¿O qué? ¿Te crees mucho porque eres una monada de criado? Serás muy mono, pero quiero que seas mi esclavo. Ándale, criado, nunca serás como yo… Estarás muy guapo, pero te falta... iniciativa, mundo, ¡clase! Lo que a mí me sobra.

(Contra toda predicción Huguito se baja a limpiarle las botas… El majadero de Chad saca un fajo de billetes y se los mete en el saco a su desde ahora nuevo Criado) … Me gusta que seas servicial… Vas a seguirme toda la noche… (Hugo va a decir algo, pero Chad le tapa la boca) Sht, sht, ¡calla y aprende!

2: El Spa sospechoso y las uvas de utilería

(Transición: La iluminación cambia drásticamente a tonos rojizos y neón, marcando la entrada a un sospechoso Spa de masajes "y algo más").

(Al recibidor llega ROXY, vestida de forma muy sexy, moviendo las caderas de manera exagerada).

ROXY: (Como si conociera a Hugo de toda la vida) ¡Huguito, pasa, pasa…! Te conocemos porque eres muy guapo y la Señora te ha mandado preparar un masaje exclusivo; una delicia de mieles, néctar y aceites de sándalo... ¡Pasa, pasa, Huguito, entra a nuestra habitación del placer! (Ve a Chad y cambia el tono a uno de total desprecio). Ah, viniste acompañado… Lo siento, grandulón, no tenemos nada para usted hoy. Venga otro día... los martes puede ser.

CHAD: (Arrogante, ignorando por completo a Roxy. Se acomoda el saco del traje y aparta a Hugo de un empujón). ¡Quítate, esclavo! Yo soy el que va a pagar, así que yo sí me merezco el masaje. Tú no. ¿Cómo que el martes? A mí me atienden ahora o les mando cerrar su congal de cuarta. No saben quién soy yo; soy el mirrey Chad, o Chad el Mirrey, como quieran… (Furioso porque Roxy no lo pela, se desquita y le arranca unos pelos a Hugo).

HUGO: (Frotándose la cabeza) ¡Oye, te pasas mi rey! ¡Me arrancaste tres pelos, tarado!

(Roxy entra y sale de escena rápidamente. En una de sus entradas, deja una mesita con un frutero de porcelana. Chad le sigue impidiendo el paso a Hugo).

CHAD: (Toma unas uvas de adorno del frutero, les da un mordisco y hace muecas de asco total). ¡Qué asco! Quiero palomitas, cerezas, algo de mi clase... jamón serrano, queso brie… (Mirando a Hugo con frustración). Hugo… tú eres solo un tímido cargador obligado a llevar ese costal mugroso. Tú seguramente comes frijoles, tortillas y esas cosas… Tacos, fuchi… Yo nací para no hacer nada… No trabajo, sabes… Solo disfruto, y como caviar, lasaña, salmón, trufas, langosta viva… No trabajo, mi vida es divina… Si yo llegara a cargar costales alguna vez —cosa que es prácticamente imposible, jajajaja—, serían de seda importada. A ti te dan azotes por retrasado, porque eres un esclavo, porque eres un marginal de la clase… marginal. Yo soy aquel bendecido por el dinero y el buen gusto… A mí me van a dar masajitos con aceites de mango y crema de frambuesa. ¡Faltaría más!

(Chad nota que un par de mujeres invisibles en el público le sonríen y le tiran besos a Hugo. Se desespera).

CHAD: ¡Detente! ¿Se puede saber por qué te tiran besos a ti y a mí me ignoran? ¡Oigan, no lo vean a él, mírenme a mííí!

HUGO: Es que... caminas como si tuvieras un palo atravesado...

CHAD: (Ofendido, saca de la nada un palo de escoba que estaba oculto en su espalda y lo avienta al piso con furia). ¡Suficiente! Tú eres un simple criado tímido. Serás muy guapo, pero yo soy el del dinero, el del carro deportivo, el del desparpajo.

3: Amor de la esquina y tarifas con descuento para tímidos

(Salen del Spa sin obtener ningún masaje. La iluminación cambia a un farol nocturno con luz roja).

(Hugo está al lado de Chad como si fuera su esclavo, cargando su costal y esperando órdenes. Chad se acerca con pose de galán de telenovela a ROXY, que ahora ejerce como mujer de la noche).

CHAD: ¡Oh, Venus de Milo, ninfa sexy de las noches oscuras! ¿Me concederías un beso de tu boca que sabe a gloria?

ROXY: (Se acomoda la falda con desprecio). ¿Un beso? Hueles a perfume caro mezclado con ajo rancio, a sudor de gimnasio y a desesperación... Nadie pide besos aquí, playboy. Pero si eso quieres, te cuesta lo de una noche entera y tarifa VIP.

(HUGO se muere de risa ante el rechazo y se cae al suelo con las piernas hacia arriba, pataleando de puro gusto).

ROXY: (Mirando los movimientos de Hugo con deseo). Oye... pero a tu amigo el del costal le cobro menos. Es sexy, y con sus patas para arriba se ve que tiene mucha... agilidad.

CHAD: ¡Por favor! No es mi amigo, es mi criado… Sí, es ágil, ¡pero es un tímido que no sabe ni hablar!

ROXY: Ah, a los tímidos les hago descuento. ¿Qué tal, mi tímido? Vamos, te cobro poco, pero tú pagas el taxi y el hotel...

CHAD: (Apoyándose en el palo de escoba del piso como si fuera un bastón de golf, adoptando una pose de estatua griega). ¡Oh, manceba despistada! ¡Yo soy el rey de la billetera! No sabes de lo que te pierdes... Te pago la noche completa ahorita mismo y te llevo en un Uber Black al mejor hotel de la zona.

ROXY: Va, qué pues... pero con una condición: que también vaya el tímido y que nos vea trabajar.

CHAD: (Tragándose el orgullo). Claro... Siempre hay espacio para una bella dama en un transporte de lujo, preciosa. ¡Ándale, esclavo! Recoge tu costal, que te llevamos más por lástima que por guapo.

ACTO IÍ: EL MISTERIO DEL LUNAR

El escenario ahora tiene un biombo con estampados dorados que se tambalea peligrosamente cada vez que alguien pasa cerca.

4: La aristocracia de la Central de Abastos

(Roxy se ha quitado el disfraz de mujer de la noche; ahora es una dama de alta sociedad vestida con un elegante vestido de satén rojo brillante. Se abanica con furia. En una esquina, HUGO tiembla exageradamente. En una silla, atado firmemente con una gruesa cuerda, está CHAD, completamente humillado).

ROXY: (Avanza flotando de forma regia, rodeando a Hugo como una leona a su presa. Se detiene frente a él y le levanta la barbilla con el abanico). ¡Oh, Tímido, mírame! Tu silencio no es timidez... es el misterio de los grandes hombres. Dime, Huguito... confiesa lo que tu pecho calla. Sé que mueres de amor por mí. ¿No te imaginas los dos juntos, paseando por los grandes salones de la alta sociedad?

HUGO: (Pestañea rápido, halagado por un segundo. Se acomoda el cuello de la camisa e intenta poner voz de galán, aunque le sale aguda). Bueno... s-sí... yo... yo n-no c-canto tan mal las rancheras... En los quince años de mi prima canté y bailé el "Payaso de Rodeo" sin equivocarme... Bueno esa no es ranchera, pero aplica…

ROXY: (Exagerando el romance, tomándole las manos). ¡Lo sabía! Serás mi rey. Te llevaré a las cenas más exclusivas de Beverly Hills. Comerás caviar en platos de plata y codornices al champán. Te rodearé de gente importante: productores de cine, cirujanos plásticos, ¡políticos corruptos! Todos aplaudirán tu porte de caballero. ¡Vamos, dilo! Di que sueñas con besar mis labios de satén bajo la luna de París.

HUGO: (La mira fijamente. Su sonrisa se desvanece. Empieza a sudar frío y a poner cara de asco y desespero total). ¿C-caviar? P-pero... eso son huevos de pescado crudo... ¡y a mí me da agruras el marisco! Y... y esa gente importante... ¿p-por qué me verían a mí? S-señora... s-su cara está muy cerca... s-su aliento huele a puro importado y a ensalada césar... Me... ¡me está dando un ataque de pánico de clase media baja! ¡Quítese! ¡Esto ya se puso muy grotesco!

CHAD: (Tratando de zafarse, gritando desde la silla). ¡Es un naco, Roxy! ¡Un marginal que prefiere los tacos de suadero! ¡Suéltame a mí, que yo sí hablo francés y sé usar el tenedor de ensalada!

ROXY: (Ignora a Chad por completo. Pasa de la seducción a la sospecha mística. Entorna los ojos). Tu rechazo... ese desprecio por la comida exótica... ¡Esa angustia es de gente con billete! Tu tartamudeo me hace pensar que eres el hijo perdido de un archimillonario de Lituania, que te puso a cargar bultos en la Central de Abastos para que aprendieras el valor del trabajo. Confiesa... ¡sé que eres de sangre azul!

HUGO: (Temblando aún más fuerte y rascándose el cuello). S-s-señora... yo... yo n-no s-sé si mi p-padre es millonario... Solo sé que me está p-pellizcando la panza con sus uñotas de gel con puntos brillantes.

ROXY: (Se arrodilla dramáticamente ante él, juntando las manos). ¡Lo sabía! ¡Muestra la prueba de tu noble nacimiento! Debes tener un lunar en forma de estrella... ¡O en forma de cruz, cruz, que se vaya el diablo y que venga Jesús!

HUGO: ¡Auxilio, Chad! Esta mujer se ha vuelto loca... Yo tengo un lunar en las pompis, ¡pero es igual al de mi padre el panadero!

5: Revelaciones de la Noble cuna y una tormenta de papel

CHAD: (Dando un tirón épico y exagerado, rompe las cuerdas de golpe. Se abre la camisa de diseñador mostrando el pecho con orgullo trágico). ¡Falsa! ¡Ciega! ¡Yo soy el que tiene el lunar en forma de estrella! ¡Mírala, es perfecta, como la estrella de Belén! ¡Míralo bien, Doña Roxy! ¡Yo soy el millonario, yo soy el playboy, yo soy descendiente de aristócratas españoles!

(ROXY se queda petrificada en su pose arrodillada. Su rostro pasa de la devoción mística a una frialdad absoluta. El “acto triunfal” de Chad no funciona. Se levanta lentamente, sacudiéndose las faldas de satén rojo con un desprecio total).

ROXY: (Con tono seco y plano). Tú tienes una estrella en el pecho... y eres un gachupín, gachupatas, chúpame las patas; tipo sangrón, me caes gordo, por pesado. Qué horror. No importa, Hugo; aunque seas hijo del panadero y no tengas un centavo, yo te quiero a ti. ¡Vamos adentro a que me enseñes ese lunar de las pompis!

HUGO: (Entrando en pánico absoluto, tiritando). N-no, s-señora... Es Es s-solo... que mi lunar p-pica mucho y cuando p-pica, yo... yo... me pongo horny

ROXY: (Grita hacia las bambalinas). ¡Chad! ¡Trae un cubo de agua fría para bajarle la ardiente calentura a mi Huguito! ¡Que hoy corono porque corono!

(CHAD, despechado y furioso por perder otra vez ante el criado, corre tras el biombo, toma un cubo azul de fregar y les arroja a los dos un enorme chorro de confeti azul y tiras de papel celofán).

CHAD: ¡Toma tu agua helada, muerto de hambre, y tú también, Maruja!

6: La huida del heredero y el nuevo esclavo de marca

HUGO: (Sufriendo el colapso definitivo de timidez por el "baño"). ¡Aaaaah! ¡La p-p-pasión de Teresa… Digo: la pasión me endereza! ¡No lo soporto, ahhhh! (Presa del pánico, Hugo agarra su enorme costal de yute de cincuenta kilos, se lo echa al hombro con una agilidad sorprendente, pero en ultimo momento decide arrojarlo al piso… Sale liberado corriendo del escenario a toda velocidad). ¡Auxilioooo!

ROXY: (Mirando el espacio vacío, estupefacta. Luego se gira lentamente hacia Chad con el rostro lleno de furia). ¿Qué has hecho, desgraciado? ¡Me espantaste al tímido! ¡Me echaste a perder la noche y me dejaste con las ganas!

CHAD: (Presumiendo, acomodándose el cuello de la camisa). De nada, preciosa. Te salvé de un plebeyo. Ahora sí, nos vamos, la noche todavía es joven… y tú y yo...

ROXY: (Le arrebata el palo de escoba que Chad tiró en el primer acto y lo levanta como si fuera un látigo). ¿Tú y yo? ¡Tú lo que vas a hacer es pagarme el daño psicológico! (Le da un escobazo en las piernas). ¡Órale!

CHAD: (Saltando del dolor). ¡Ay! ¡Mi pantalón Gucci!

ROXY: (Señala hacia la dirección por la que huyó Hugo, donde convenientemente quedó el “pesado” costal tirado). ¡Carga ese costal que dejó mi sueño dorado y camina! ¡Si querías acción esta noche, vas a ser mi nuevo esclavo cargador de bultos! ¡Moviéndose, arre, playboy de pacotilla!

CHAD: (Doblado por la mitad, chillando y tratando de esquivar los escobazos mientras intenta levantar el bulto). ¡Auxilio! ¡Esto no venía en el manual de seducción! ¡Ay, mis aceites de mango! ¡Ay, miserable de míiii!

(Roxy lo saca a escobazos del escenario mientras Chad lloriquea dramáticamente).

FIN