ILEGAL PASTORELA
By Ben Gavarre
This work has been published for free and open dissemination, although all intellectual property rights are reserved. The public use of this work requires the author's permission and in order to obtain the corresponding authorization contact bengavarre@gmail.com or gavarreunam@gmail.com (Reg. Prop. Int. Expte. Inbox)
|
By Ben Gavarre
This work has been published for free and open dissemination, although all intellectual property rights are reserved. The public use of this work requires the author's permission and in order to obtain the corresponding authorization contact bengavarre@gmail.com or gavarreunam@gmail.com (Reg. Prop. Int. Expte. Inbox)
Act I: The Divine Announcement (El Aviso Divino)
Act I: The Divine Announcement (El Aviso Divino)
Scene 1: What’s Happenin’, Ése! (¿Qué Onda, Raza?)
Setting: An alley next to a construction site. Piles of construction material, a flickering yellow streetlight, and stacked cardboard boxes. It smells like a cool night and street-corner garnachas.
Characters:
JORNALERO GÓMEZ: The crew's leader. Cynical, mistrusting, but with a heart of gold. Dressed in worn work clothes, a baseball cap.
VILLANAZUL (aka "El Glotón"): The crew's chill one. Big belly, always thinking about grub (morfi), and cracking jokes. Carries a lunch cooler.
RAMÍREZ ("El Miedoso"): The scaredy-cat. Sees ICE (Immigration and Customs Enforcement) everywhere and always expects the worst.
MESSENGER ANGEL (El Ángel Enmascarado): A tall, muscular dude in shiny luchador tights (think El Santo or Blue Demon), a flawless silver mask, and some slightly beat-up white feather wings.
(Curtain opens. GÓMEZ, RAMÍREZ, and VILLANAZUL are sitting on paint buckets, sipping coffee from clay mugs. The vibe is chill, just some workers on a quiet night.)
(A simple shooting star crosses the sky—could be an actor holding a star, or a star on a fishing pole.)
GÓMEZ: Órale, carnales... What was that flash? Looked like the sky was taking snapshots, like the county tax assessor or something.
VILLANAZUL: (Excited) No way, Gómez! Maybe it's the grand opening of a new all-you-can-eat buffet that hires illegals! ¡Ya me vi!
RAMÍREZ: (Scared) Oh no, manito... I bet it's la Migra with a new thermal drone. It's the sky-ICE coming for us!
(Suddenly, with a sharp whistle and a soft THUMP, the MESSENGER ANGEL lands center stage in a heroic wrestling pose. The shepherds jump, spilling their coffee.)
ANGEL: (In a wrestling announcer voice) ¡Qué onda, Raza! What's the deal, street shepherds! I come on a divine mission from the Celestial Arena!
GÓMEZ: ¡A la madre! This dude literally fell from the sky! You good, champ? You didn't bust your head? You got your papers, wey?
ANGEL: My mission is sacred and my technique, flawless! I am the Masked Angel! And I'm here to announce that the "Niño Milagro" of Aztlán has been born! The King of the Hood! The one who will fix all our Social Security numbers!
VILLANAZUL: The Milagro? What, dinner's already started and they left us out?
ANGEL: (Stares at him sternly through his mask holes) No, you greedy sinner! The holy Child is in a humble auto-repair shop, on the corner of Faith and Hope! Go worship him! ... (Seeing their hesitation) And yes, yes, yes... There will be atole and tamalitos, but... get going... Quickly.
RAMÍREZ: But the "Orange Feet" devil is out there with all of La Migra! They're doing raids!
GÓMEZ: Nobody's out at this hour, not even the dogs. What, are we gonna go on a donkey or what?
ANGEL: None of that! We're taking my Flying Cloud 5.0!
(The Angel points up. A cardboard cloud, painted with silver spray paint and blinking Christmas lights, is lowered from the rafters on cables.)
GÓMEZ: Well, Villanazul should go, he's already hyped for the dinner! He can save us a spot.
VILLANAZUL: Yeah, right! That thing can barely hold the gym-junkie angel.
ANGEL: If one of you wants to get on... I'm not gonna beg. But watch the wings, don't get too close, I just had them dry-cleaned in Tijuana.
GÓMEZ: I'll pass, for my part.
VILLANAZUL: I don't think it'll hold me... especially not with this circus wrestler... What if he puts me in a quebradora submission hold?
ANGEL: If you don't want to, it's better for me, but I swear it can hold all of us, we just have to hold our breath... Like this, look...
RAMÍREZ: No, no, no, thanks, I wouldn't get on that thing even if you paid me a green card.
GÓMEZ: Alright then, Mr. Angel, you go on ahead. We'll catch up with you over there.
ANGEL: Órale then! That's the plan. Just watch out for ICE.
(The Angel gets on the cloud and disappears into the rafters.)
VILLANAZUL: Don't eat all the tamales!
GÓMEZ: Shut up, Villanazul, you're talking nonsense.
VILLANAZUL: Hey, that's enough, respect your elders.
RAMÍREZ: What if we hold hands? Maybe that'll make us less scared.
GÓMEZ: Sure, and maybe we can give each other kisses too while we're at it.
VILLANAZUL: Shut up, you guys, you're both talking nonsense. Bunch of fools.
GÓMEZ: Look who's talking. Let's get a move on, like the cool undocumented shepherds we are.
(End of scene.)
Setting: An alley next to a construction site. Piles of construction material, a flickering yellow streetlight, and stacked cardboard boxes. It smells like a cool night and street-corner garnachas.
Characters:
JORNALERO GÓMEZ: The crew's leader. Cynical, mistrusting, but with a heart of gold. Dressed in worn work clothes, a baseball cap.
VILLANAZUL (aka "El Glotón"): The crew's chill one. Big belly, always thinking about grub (morfi), and cracking jokes. Carries a lunch cooler.
RAMÍREZ ("El Miedoso"): The scaredy-cat. Sees ICE (Immigration and Customs Enforcement) everywhere and always expects the worst.
MESSENGER ANGEL (El Ángel Enmascarado): A tall, muscular dude in shiny luchador tights (think El Santo or Blue Demon), a flawless silver mask, and some slightly beat-up white feather wings.
(Curtain opens. GÓMEZ, RAMÍREZ, and VILLANAZUL are sitting on paint buckets, sipping coffee from clay mugs. The vibe is chill, just some workers on a quiet night.)
(A simple shooting star crosses the sky—could be an actor holding a star, or a star on a fishing pole.)
GÓMEZ: Órale, carnales... What was that flash? Looked like the sky was taking snapshots, like the county tax assessor or something.
VILLANAZUL: (Excited) No way, Gómez! Maybe it's the grand opening of a new all-you-can-eat buffet that hires illegals! ¡Ya me vi!
RAMÍREZ: (Scared) Oh no, manito... I bet it's la Migra with a new thermal drone. It's the sky-ICE coming for us!
(Suddenly, with a sharp whistle and a soft THUMP, the MESSENGER ANGEL lands center stage in a heroic wrestling pose. The shepherds jump, spilling their coffee.)
ANGEL: (In a wrestling announcer voice) ¡Qué onda, Raza! What's the deal, street shepherds! I come on a divine mission from the Celestial Arena!
GÓMEZ: ¡A la madre! This dude literally fell from the sky! You good, champ? You didn't bust your head? You got your papers, wey?
ANGEL: My mission is sacred and my technique, flawless! I am the Masked Angel! And I'm here to announce that the "Niño Milagro" of Aztlán has been born! The King of the Hood! The one who will fix all our Social Security numbers!
VILLANAZUL: The Milagro? What, dinner's already started and they left us out?
ANGEL: (Stares at him sternly through his mask holes) No, you greedy sinner! The holy Child is in a humble auto-repair shop, on the corner of Faith and Hope! Go worship him! ... (Seeing their hesitation) And yes, yes, yes... There will be atole and tamalitos, but... get going... Quickly.
RAMÍREZ: But the "Orange Feet" devil is out there with all of La Migra! They're doing raids!
GÓMEZ: Nobody's out at this hour, not even the dogs. What, are we gonna go on a donkey or what?
ANGEL: None of that! We're taking my Flying Cloud 5.0!
(The Angel points up. A cardboard cloud, painted with silver spray paint and blinking Christmas lights, is lowered from the rafters on cables.)
GÓMEZ: Well, Villanazul should go, he's already hyped for the dinner! He can save us a spot.
VILLANAZUL: Yeah, right! That thing can barely hold the gym-junkie angel.
ANGEL: If one of you wants to get on... I'm not gonna beg. But watch the wings, don't get too close, I just had them dry-cleaned in Tijuana.
GÓMEZ: I'll pass, for my part.
VILLANAZUL: I don't think it'll hold me... especially not with this circus wrestler... What if he puts me in a quebradora submission hold?
ANGEL: If you don't want to, it's better for me, but I swear it can hold all of us, we just have to hold our breath... Like this, look...
RAMÍREZ: No, no, no, thanks, I wouldn't get on that thing even if you paid me a green card.
GÓMEZ: Alright then, Mr. Angel, you go on ahead. We'll catch up with you over there.
ANGEL: Órale then! That's the plan. Just watch out for ICE.
(The Angel gets on the cloud and disappears into the rafters.)
VILLANAZUL: Don't eat all the tamales!
GÓMEZ: Shut up, Villanazul, you're talking nonsense.
VILLANAZUL: Hey, that's enough, respect your elders.
RAMÍREZ: What if we hold hands? Maybe that'll make us less scared.
GÓMEZ: Sure, and maybe we can give each other kisses too while we're at it.
VILLANAZUL: Shut up, you guys, you're both talking nonsense. Bunch of fools.
GÓMEZ: Look who's talking. Let's get a move on, like the cool undocumented shepherds we are.
(End of scene.)
Scene 2: The Shepherdesses Step Up (Las Comadres al Ataque)
Setting: The sidewalk outside a beauty salon called "Mary's Glamour y Fajitas." A taco or pupusa stand is in the background.
Characters:
GORIZIA: Practical and direct. Doesn't beat around the bush.
LA CIELITO LINDE: The flirty, dreamy one. Always looking for romance.
CAROLUNA DEL NORTE: The most "Americanized" and political one. Always has a strong opinion and speaks a lot of Spanglish.
(Gorizia, Cielito Linde, and Caroluna are eating quesadillas/tacos. The Shooting Star flies by again.)
GORIZIA: Órale, comadres! Did you see that huge star? Looked like a semi-truck's headlight. They say it's for a baby that was born near here. How cool! A baby with a future!
LA CIELITO LINDE: Oh my God, how exciting, comadre! A baby! Well, let's go see him, right? But wait, we can't show up looking a mess. A little touch-up, you know, for the picture with the little cherub. Maybe he's cute!
CAROLUNA: For sure! We have to go show our support! We need to show some solidarity and community organizing! But where's the party at?
LA CIELITO LINDE: Well, the star went that way, like three miles. Over by where my cousin Rodriguez's shop was, the one who fixed motorcycles and ID papers for cheap.
CAROLUNA: Oh, I know where! That vato's shop is only open when he gets a little job. Oh my God! Don't look at me like that, what's up with you? What did I say?
GORIZIA: You said it all... "what the heck." And the Child God is gonna be born right there.
LA CIELITO LINDE: He was already born, comadre! That's why we're going. What, you wanna watch the filing of the birth certificate or what?
CAROLUNA: Well let's go, but with our heads held high, all empowered. We don't want La Migra to catch us. With the Orange Man and his crazy stuff, you know they're after anything that smells like frijoles.
GORIZIA: You're probably talking about yourself.
CAROLUNA: Oh, listen to this bitch! Well, you still smell like nopal, you can't get rid of the brown.
GORIZIA: You're so stupid! ¡Estarás pendeja!
LA CIELITO LINDE: Okay, okay, stop it! ¡Párale! Stop it, you two! We're going to visit the Holy Dude who brings us peace and papers. Stop fighting, we have enough to deal with the Evil Enemy and his agents.
GORIZIA: Yeah, that Orange Feet guy just wants to screw us over.
CAROLUNA: We should take a poster of the Virgencita to protect us. And then we can ask the little Holy Dude for a miracle to fix our papers. You know, a little help from above. A full DACA extension!
GORIZIA and LA CIELITO LINDE: That's right! I agree! Let's go!
Setting: The sidewalk outside a beauty salon called "Mary's Glamour y Fajitas." A taco or pupusa stand is in the background.
Characters:
GORIZIA: Practical and direct. Doesn't beat around the bush.
LA CIELITO LINDE: The flirty, dreamy one. Always looking for romance.
CAROLUNA DEL NORTE: The most "Americanized" and political one. Always has a strong opinion and speaks a lot of Spanglish.
(Gorizia, Cielito Linde, and Caroluna are eating quesadillas/tacos. The Shooting Star flies by again.)
GORIZIA: Órale, comadres! Did you see that huge star? Looked like a semi-truck's headlight. They say it's for a baby that was born near here. How cool! A baby with a future!
LA CIELITO LINDE: Oh my God, how exciting, comadre! A baby! Well, let's go see him, right? But wait, we can't show up looking a mess. A little touch-up, you know, for the picture with the little cherub. Maybe he's cute!
CAROLUNA: For sure! We have to go show our support! We need to show some solidarity and community organizing! But where's the party at?
LA CIELITO LINDE: Well, the star went that way, like three miles. Over by where my cousin Rodriguez's shop was, the one who fixed motorcycles and ID papers for cheap.
CAROLUNA: Oh, I know where! That vato's shop is only open when he gets a little job. Oh my God! Don't look at me like that, what's up with you? What did I say?
GORIZIA: You said it all... "what the heck." And the Child God is gonna be born right there.
LA CIELITO LINDE: He was already born, comadre! That's why we're going. What, you wanna watch the filing of the birth certificate or what?
CAROLUNA: Well let's go, but with our heads held high, all empowered. We don't want La Migra to catch us. With the Orange Man and his crazy stuff, you know they're after anything that smells like frijoles.
GORIZIA: You're probably talking about yourself.
CAROLUNA: Oh, listen to this bitch! Well, you still smell like nopal, you can't get rid of the brown.
GORIZIA: You're so stupid! ¡Estarás pendeja!
LA CIELITO LINDE: Okay, okay, stop it! ¡Párale! Stop it, you two! We're going to visit the Holy Dude who brings us peace and papers. Stop fighting, we have enough to deal with the Evil Enemy and his agents.
GORIZIA: Yeah, that Orange Feet guy just wants to screw us over.
CAROLUNA: We should take a poster of the Virgencita to protect us. And then we can ask the little Holy Dude for a miracle to fix our papers. You know, a little help from above. A full DACA extension!
GORIZIA and LA CIELITO LINDE: That's right! I agree! Let's go!
Scene 3: Stop, In the Name of the Law! (¡Alto, en Nombre de la ICE!)
Setting: A dirt road/alleyway near an industrial park. The shepherds and shepherdesses meet.
Characters:
The three shepherds and three shepherdesses.
CAPTAIN GRINGO TRUMPETS (aka "El Deportador"): A blonde guy in cowboy boots, a Texan hat, and a vest with the US flag. He speaks terrible Spanish.
AGENT BALDY MUSKIS: A bald guy with a mean face. Thinks he's smart.
LITTLE DEVIL COYOTE (El Diablo del Muro): A little devil in a black charro suit, but with horns and a tail. He is a corrupt coyote (smuggler) working for ICE. The ultimate suck-up.
VENEZOLANO: A man with an arepa cart.
(The two groups of shepherds have just met and are greeting each other when, suddenly, Captain Trumpets and his goons jump out of the bushes.)
CAPTAIN GRINGO: ¡Alto ahí, you people! Stop right there, bunch of illegal aliens! Your papers, ándale, right now! Show me your visas!
VILLANAZUL: What's your problem, güey?! We're from here! We are from the hood!
CAROLUNA: Yeah! This is our land! You are the alien! You have no jurisdiction here!
BALDY MUSKIS: You can't fool me with your second-rate Spanglish! You're all getting deported! To Guatemala!
RAMÍREZ: Oh, man, we're toast!
LA CIELITO LINDE: This is an injustice! A violation of our human rights!
LITTLE DEVIL COYOTE: That's what you get for being vagrants! You shouldn't have crossed! The divine authority (pointing to Trumpets) orders it! I charged them a fortune and they still got caught!
VILLANAZUL: But an Angel talked to us! A masked one!
CAPTAIN GRINGO: Worales! You drink too much tequila! Now you're seeing flying little angels. Very funny.
LITTLE DEVIL COYOTE: (To the shepherds) See? You're sinners! That's why I'm taking you to a hell full of expired tortillas and no internet!
CAPTAIN GRINGO: I am Lucifer! The big boss of ICE! And I'm taking you with me for all your sins!
RAMÍREZ: Don't touch me, I'm a good worker! I pay my taxes!
VILLANAZUL: At your age? No way!
(In the chaos, Agent Muskis starts randomly cuffing people.)
GORIZIA: Hey, no, wait! I OWN a beauty salon... I have papers! My kids are citizens!
BALDY MUSKIS: Silence! Everyone with a weird accent is going to the Belgian Congo! They need crocodile food over there!
VENEZOLANO: (Grabbing his arepas) Hey no, Chamo, no... I just wanted to sell my little arepas in peace! I'm not a pachuco, I'm not Haitian. I have TPS! I don't want to go to any Congo!
CAPTAIN GRINGO: Silence! You are all sinner Latinos! And that's why you have bad fortune! For eating dogs and cats. To the cage! The crocodiles of the Rio Grande are going to eat you! Don't come to my country!
GÓMEZ: The Masked Angel will defend us!
CAROLUNA: The Child God will save us! You'll see, you racist devils!
LITTLE DEVIL COYOTE: (Mocking) Oh yeah, "the child god." You're all going to hell for not having a visa!
RAMÍREZ: (Crying) No! I don't want to go to the Belgian Congo! I'm scared of crocodiles!
(The Captain and his agents drag off the Venezuelan man, Ramírez, and Caroluna, while the shepherds who got away run and hide. End of scene.)
Act II: The Birth and the Celebration (El Nacimiento y la Fiesta)
Setting: A dirt road/alleyway near an industrial park. The shepherds and shepherdesses meet.
Characters:
The three shepherds and three shepherdesses.
CAPTAIN GRINGO TRUMPETS (aka "El Deportador"): A blonde guy in cowboy boots, a Texan hat, and a vest with the US flag. He speaks terrible Spanish.
AGENT BALDY MUSKIS: A bald guy with a mean face. Thinks he's smart.
LITTLE DEVIL COYOTE (El Diablo del Muro): A little devil in a black charro suit, but with horns and a tail. He is a corrupt coyote (smuggler) working for ICE. The ultimate suck-up.
VENEZOLANO: A man with an arepa cart.
(The two groups of shepherds have just met and are greeting each other when, suddenly, Captain Trumpets and his goons jump out of the bushes.)
CAPTAIN GRINGO: ¡Alto ahí, you people! Stop right there, bunch of illegal aliens! Your papers, ándale, right now! Show me your visas!
VILLANAZUL: What's your problem, güey?! We're from here! We are from the hood!
CAROLUNA: Yeah! This is our land! You are the alien! You have no jurisdiction here!
BALDY MUSKIS: You can't fool me with your second-rate Spanglish! You're all getting deported! To Guatemala!
RAMÍREZ: Oh, man, we're toast!
LA CIELITO LINDE: This is an injustice! A violation of our human rights!
LITTLE DEVIL COYOTE: That's what you get for being vagrants! You shouldn't have crossed! The divine authority (pointing to Trumpets) orders it! I charged them a fortune and they still got caught!
VILLANAZUL: But an Angel talked to us! A masked one!
CAPTAIN GRINGO: Worales! You drink too much tequila! Now you're seeing flying little angels. Very funny.
LITTLE DEVIL COYOTE: (To the shepherds) See? You're sinners! That's why I'm taking you to a hell full of expired tortillas and no internet!
CAPTAIN GRINGO: I am Lucifer! The big boss of ICE! And I'm taking you with me for all your sins!
RAMÍREZ: Don't touch me, I'm a good worker! I pay my taxes!
VILLANAZUL: At your age? No way!
(In the chaos, Agent Muskis starts randomly cuffing people.)
GORIZIA: Hey, no, wait! I OWN a beauty salon... I have papers! My kids are citizens!
BALDY MUSKIS: Silence! Everyone with a weird accent is going to the Belgian Congo! They need crocodile food over there!
VENEZOLANO: (Grabbing his arepas) Hey no, Chamo, no... I just wanted to sell my little arepas in peace! I'm not a pachuco, I'm not Haitian. I have TPS! I don't want to go to any Congo!
CAPTAIN GRINGO: Silence! You are all sinner Latinos! And that's why you have bad fortune! For eating dogs and cats. To the cage! The crocodiles of the Rio Grande are going to eat you! Don't come to my country!
GÓMEZ: The Masked Angel will defend us!
CAROLUNA: The Child God will save us! You'll see, you racist devils!
LITTLE DEVIL COYOTE: (Mocking) Oh yeah, "the child god." You're all going to hell for not having a visa!
RAMÍREZ: (Crying) No! I don't want to go to the Belgian Congo! I'm scared of crocodiles!
(The Captain and his agents drag off the Venezuelan man, Ramírez, and Caroluna, while the shepherds who got away run and hide. End of scene.)
Act II: The Birth and the Celebration (El Nacimiento y la Fiesta)
Scene 1: The Three Immigrant Wise Men (Los Tres Reyes Magos Inmigrantes)
(Melchor, Gaspar, and Baltazar should arrive in a bouncing '64 Impala lowrider, now a symbol of their hard-earned success.)
Dialogues in Spanglish and Caló:
MELCHOR: Hey, check it out! Ese es el cantón! That's the spot, homey! Look at that star, it's brighter than my lowrider's chrome!
GASPAR: Órale! The place looks humble, but it has good vibes, man. Looks like a good place to hide from the feds!
BALTAZAR: Let's go inside and pay our respects to the little homie. I brought him some gold bling-bling with the Virgencita on it to protect him from the bad dudes.
MELCHOR: I brought him some special edition Nike kicks, "Air Jesus 1s," so he can walk with style, and outrun any border patrol!
GASPAR: And me, so he never lacks flavor in his life, a family-sized, collector's edition bottle of Valentina hot sauce!
(Melchor, Gaspar, and Baltazar should arrive in a bouncing '64 Impala lowrider, now a symbol of their hard-earned success.)
Dialogues in Spanglish and Caló:
MELCHOR: Hey, check it out! Ese es el cantón! That's the spot, homey! Look at that star, it's brighter than my lowrider's chrome!
GASPAR: Órale! The place looks humble, but it has good vibes, man. Looks like a good place to hide from the feds!
BALTAZAR: Let's go inside and pay our respects to the little homie. I brought him some gold bling-bling with the Virgencita on it to protect him from the bad dudes.
MELCHOR: I brought him some special edition Nike kicks, "Air Jesus 1s," so he can walk with style, and outrun any border patrol!
GASPAR: And me, so he never lacks flavor in his life, a family-sized, collector's edition bottle of Valentina hot sauce!
Scene 2: The Little Border Child and his Family, followed by The Rematch in the Celestial Ring! (El Niño Fronterizo y La Revancha Celestial)
Setting: A nativity scene with Christmas lights, colorful tinsel, and a tarp set up like a wrestling ring. The setting is clearly an auto-repair shop. In the background, a speaker connected to a phone plays Christmas cumbia.
JOSÉ BROWNIE JUNIOR: (Dressed like a fight promoter, maybe in an oil-stained work shirt) Come on in, come on in, my Raza. Welcome, there's room for everyone. Everything happens here. Thanks for visiting the Child, but first, we have a great rematch for you. Welcome, Banda. Come in, you're in our humble home.
MARICARE: (With a beehive hairdo and lots of makeup) "Oh, I'm so glad you came! After the Rematch you can say hi to my son, the Child God of the Border, you know. Then I'll offer you some punch and tamalitos."
(The "Niño Milagro" is a large doll like the one found in a King's Cake, wearing a tiny work hat or a tiny luchador mask.)
(Also entering the stage: All the SHEPHERDS and SHEPHERDESSES. (Ramírez, the Venezuelan, and Caroluna are brought in on a leash but manage to escape during the fight). CAPTAIN TRUMPETS, BALDY MUSKIS, LITTLE DEVIL COYOTE. THE MASKED ANGEL.)
(Captain Trumpets enters, pushing the shepherds.)
CAPTAIN GRINGO: This is the end! You'll behave, or I'll send you in an Uber straight to the immigration underworld! This is a workplace raid!
LITTLE DEVIL COYOTE: Yes, yes! Ha, ha. Now the infernal clown is gonna get you! I'll handle the check-in and the detention contracts!
(Wrestling music blares. The MASKED ANGEL rappels down with strobe lights and smoke.)
ANGEL: (in a tough-guy voice) What's the deal, Gringo Trumpets?! You messed with my people! And that... is not forgiven in this celestial corner!
CAPTAIN GRINGO: (getting into a wrestling stance) Bring it on, little steroid angel! Let’s see what you got, piñata boy! I have a federal warrant!
BALDY MUSKIS: (shouting like a referee) Ring the bell! Let the holy brawl begin! Let's see your papers!
COMICAL AND SYMBOLIC FIGHT
(The fight begins with ridiculous wrestling moves: José Brownie Junior shouts the name of each hold as it happens: "The Celestial Hug-Lock," "The Mercy-plex," "The Archangel 3000 Dive.")
LITTLE DEVIL COYOTE: (shouting from the edge of the ring) Hit him in the wings! That's his weak spot! Report him to the FAA!
(The Angel does a backflip and smacks the Little Devil Coyote, sending him rolling offstage.)
VILLANAZUL: That's it, man! Hit him with the "Inverted Redemption"!
RAMÍREZ: Get him with the Thunder-Slam of Legal Status!
JOSÉ BROWNIE JUNIOR: The Merciful Lock never fails!
(Finally, the Angel applies the "Merciful Lock" and brings the Captain to his knees.)
ANGEL: (triumphant) Mercy wins, not because it's weak... but because it's just! Now you'll have to eat a little tamal.
CAPTAIN GRINGO: (panting, emotional) That... I don't think so… I think... I believe... I don't like tamales! I don't want to eat a tamalito, por favor. I'm allergic to spices!
JOSÉ BROWNIE & MARICARE: What do you mean, no? Now you're gonna eat our tamalito.
(They bring him a tamal. He bites it. His eyes light up.)
CAPTAIN GRINGO: Holy guacamole... This is better than Thanksgiving turkey! Forgive me, compas! This is the best thing I've tasted in my fucking life. I'm going to start a Food Truck!
CONVERSION AND CELEBRATION
BALDY MUSKIS: I'm in too! I want a tamalito too, and some guava punch, why not! To hell with hate! Long live cumbia, the big masked Angel, and the Child God of the Border!
ANGEL: Wow... this tamal... is really, really delicious! Maybe... maybe I was wrong! Maybe... we can be friends and lobby for a new immigration bill?
GÓMEZ: (To the Angel) And why are you talking in Spanglish, you celestial Angel!
ANGEL: Oh, it's my normal language, you know. I'm always trying to think in españinglish.
RAMÍREZ: Spanglish, right?... (Pause. Everyone turns to look at him) WHAT, WHAT DID I SAY, DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT.
VILLANAZUL: Let's eat and eat tamales... and party like good brothers!
CAROLUNA: That's more like it! Let’s build bridges, not walls!
LA CIELITO LINDE: Praise the little Child of the Border!
(Cumbia music starts, everyone dances. A Piñata is lowered from the rafters and the star illuminates the whole scene. The Three Wise Men enter, throwing candy. They lift the Child and have him break the piñata.)
Setting: A nativity scene with Christmas lights, colorful tinsel, and a tarp set up like a wrestling ring. The setting is clearly an auto-repair shop. In the background, a speaker connected to a phone plays Christmas cumbia.
JOSÉ BROWNIE JUNIOR: (Dressed like a fight promoter, maybe in an oil-stained work shirt) Come on in, come on in, my Raza. Welcome, there's room for everyone. Everything happens here. Thanks for visiting the Child, but first, we have a great rematch for you. Welcome, Banda. Come in, you're in our humble home.
MARICARE: (With a beehive hairdo and lots of makeup) "Oh, I'm so glad you came! After the Rematch you can say hi to my son, the Child God of the Border, you know. Then I'll offer you some punch and tamalitos."
(The "Niño Milagro" is a large doll like the one found in a King's Cake, wearing a tiny work hat or a tiny luchador mask.)
(Also entering the stage: All the SHEPHERDS and SHEPHERDESSES. (Ramírez, the Venezuelan, and Caroluna are brought in on a leash but manage to escape during the fight). CAPTAIN TRUMPETS, BALDY MUSKIS, LITTLE DEVIL COYOTE. THE MASKED ANGEL.)
(Captain Trumpets enters, pushing the shepherds.)
CAPTAIN GRINGO: This is the end! You'll behave, or I'll send you in an Uber straight to the immigration underworld! This is a workplace raid!
LITTLE DEVIL COYOTE: Yes, yes! Ha, ha. Now the infernal clown is gonna get you! I'll handle the check-in and the detention contracts!
(Wrestling music blares. The MASKED ANGEL rappels down with strobe lights and smoke.)
ANGEL: (in a tough-guy voice) What's the deal, Gringo Trumpets?! You messed with my people! And that... is not forgiven in this celestial corner!
CAPTAIN GRINGO: (getting into a wrestling stance) Bring it on, little steroid angel! Let’s see what you got, piñata boy! I have a federal warrant!
BALDY MUSKIS: (shouting like a referee) Ring the bell! Let the holy brawl begin! Let's see your papers!
COMICAL AND SYMBOLIC FIGHT
(The fight begins with ridiculous wrestling moves: José Brownie Junior shouts the name of each hold as it happens: "The Celestial Hug-Lock," "The Mercy-plex," "The Archangel 3000 Dive.")
LITTLE DEVIL COYOTE: (shouting from the edge of the ring) Hit him in the wings! That's his weak spot! Report him to the FAA!
(The Angel does a backflip and smacks the Little Devil Coyote, sending him rolling offstage.)
VILLANAZUL: That's it, man! Hit him with the "Inverted Redemption"!
RAMÍREZ: Get him with the Thunder-Slam of Legal Status!
JOSÉ BROWNIE JUNIOR: The Merciful Lock never fails!
(Finally, the Angel applies the "Merciful Lock" and brings the Captain to his knees.)
ANGEL: (triumphant) Mercy wins, not because it's weak... but because it's just! Now you'll have to eat a little tamal.
CAPTAIN GRINGO: (panting, emotional) That... I don't think so… I think... I believe... I don't like tamales! I don't want to eat a tamalito, por favor. I'm allergic to spices!
JOSÉ BROWNIE & MARICARE: What do you mean, no? Now you're gonna eat our tamalito.
(They bring him a tamal. He bites it. His eyes light up.)
CAPTAIN GRINGO: Holy guacamole... This is better than Thanksgiving turkey! Forgive me, compas! This is the best thing I've tasted in my fucking life. I'm going to start a Food Truck!
CONVERSION AND CELEBRATION
BALDY MUSKIS: I'm in too! I want a tamalito too, and some guava punch, why not! To hell with hate! Long live cumbia, the big masked Angel, and the Child God of the Border!
ANGEL: Wow... this tamal... is really, really delicious! Maybe... maybe I was wrong! Maybe... we can be friends and lobby for a new immigration bill?
GÓMEZ: (To the Angel) And why are you talking in Spanglish, you celestial Angel!
ANGEL: Oh, it's my normal language, you know. I'm always trying to think in españinglish.
RAMÍREZ: Spanglish, right?... (Pause. Everyone turns to look at him) WHAT, WHAT DID I SAY, DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT.
VILLANAZUL: Let's eat and eat tamales... and party like good brothers!
CAROLUNA: That's more like it! Let’s build bridges, not walls!
LA CIELITO LINDE: Praise the little Child of the Border!
(Cumbia music starts, everyone dances. A Piñata is lowered from the rafters and the star illuminates the whole scene. The Three Wise Men enter, throwing candy. They lift the Child and have him break the piñata.)
Finale with Chorus (all)
ALL (singing with a groovy rhythm):
Love has no visa, no border, no race,
We are all pilgrims in this holy place.
With cumbia and faith, we beat the hate, you see,
And the little Border Child blessed you and me!
The End
ALL (singing with a groovy rhythm):
Love has no visa, no border, no race,
We are all pilgrims in this holy place.
With cumbia and faith, we beat the hate, you see,
And the little Border Child blessed you and me!
The End
