© INDAUTOR
Cd. De México
Contact: bengavarre@gmail.com
gavarreunam@gmail.com
MY POOR MEGALITH
False chronicle of Stonehenge
CHARACTERS:
- THE GUARDIAN: A Neanderthal in bison skin with
millenary patience.
- SAPIENS 1 & 2: A pair of prehistoric
"entrepreneurs" with a real estate agent mindset.
- THE PHOENICIAN: A merchant with a robe and an abacus.
- THE EGYPTIAN: An architect obsessed with eternity and
symmetry.
- PONTIUS PILATE: A tired Roman official with perpetually
dry hands.
- THE MISSIONARY: A medieval fanatic with a large wooden
cross.
- LEONARDO: A Renaissance man with an easel and a
deadline.
- WERTHER: A young Romantic, pale and suicidal.
- TOURISTS: A couple with cameras and very little
taste.
- THE ARCHAEOLOGIST: A modern man with a brush and a lot of
imagination.
SCENE ONE
(Empty
stage except for a large cardboard-and-plaster Megalith in the center. It’s
raining. THE GUARDIAN, the Neanderthal, hugs the stone tenderly).
GUARDIAN: (Grunting at the sky)
Bad water! Wet water! Dry stone, happy heart. Wet stone... bad omen. Stone is
the only thing that makes sense. Bison runs, you must chase it. Fire burns, you
must feed it. Woman speaks, you must... well, you must listen. But stone...
stone stays still. No berry-asking, no cold-complaining. Man’s best friend. I
hug it. Dry stone, happy heart. Wet stone... bad omen.
(Enter
SAPIENS 1 & 2. They wear furs but carry wicker briefcases).
SAPIENS 1: Look at the lot. The curb
appeal is massive.
SAPIENS 2: And the monolith is a gem. We
scrap the rock, put in an infinity pool, a fern-juice bar, and some mammoth-gut
hammocks.
GUARDIAN: (Stepping in between)
No can do. I am in charge. I guard. Boss said: "If Megalith gets hurt, you
go to the lion's den."
SAPIENS 1: (Gestures to Sapiens 2)
Honey, take care of "customer service," will you?
(Sapiens 2
leads the Guardian behind the Megalith. Sounds of thumping, clubbing, and a
sudden silence follow. Sapiens 2 returns, dusting off his furs).
SAPIENS 2: Contract terminated for just
cause. But we have a problem: no cash for the pool.
SAPIENS 1: Here come the foreign
investors!
(Enter THE
PHOENICIAN and THE EGYPTIAN).
PHOENICIAN: I offer four Phoenician ships,
three belly dancers from Tyre, and two camels with their humps at full
capacity.
EGYPTIAN: And I promise you eternal life.
A dangling Eye of Horus… A small pyramid, but with a great river view.
SAPIENS 1: Deal! (They grab bags of coins and run off).
PHOENICIAN: (Looking at the stone, uneasy)
No port, no river, and not a soul in sight… Mhh, bad sales figures.
EGYPTIAN: No foot traffic yet, but it's
all about patience. For now… we need some remodeling. (He starts moving smaller stones around until it looks like
Stonehenge). There. Symmetry attracts the gods… and the tourists…
Lots of tourists!
PHOENICIAN: Oh, lovely. I’ll buy your share
for a shipment of papyrus and I’m out of here. Tourists give me hives. (He pays and leaves).
(The
Egyptian continues polishing the stone. Enter PONTIUS PILATE, washing his hands
in an invisible bowl).
PILATE: Hey, builder. Has a bearded
heretic passed through here? One claiming to be the son of... well, someone
important.
EGYPTIAN: Ah, you must mean Akhenaten.
That mad Pharaoh who said there was only one god. The Sun. A very demanding
bachelor.
PILATE: No, no... this one is more
recent. Says his kingdom is not of this world. Anyway, if he’s not here, I’m
seizing these ruins. I need a forward outpost.
EGYPTIAN: No way! They’re practically
new! I’ve invested a fortune and a lot of sweat here!
PILATE: Either step aside, or I bring
in the legions. And if they run you through with a sword, I wash my hands of
the matter.
(Enter THE
MISSIONARY, a medieval man with a giant cross).
MISSIONARY: Vade retro, heathens! The light
and the truth belong to our Lord Jesus Christ. Pontius, wash those hands well.
Egyptian, the light has arrived. I want you to build a church—no, a cathedral.
EGYPTIAN: (Sarcastic) Oh, sure
thing. I’ll have the stained glass ready in a minute. Would you like flying
buttresses too?
MISSIONARY: Not a bad idea. But no
pyramids! I’m going off to be a hermit in a cave for seven or ten years. When I
return, I want to see that glass. Oh, and no naves or vaults. (Exit).
PILATE: Churches, vaults, stained
glass, naves? Sounds dangerous. I’m out of here.
EGYPTIAN: Oh, wait… would it be too much
trouble to give me a lift?
(The
Egyptian leaves with Pilate. Enter LEONARDO with a model).
LEONARDO: The light! It’s perfect! (Positions the model in front of the stone). Don’t
move, Lisa. That raw stone background gives it an air of mystery... as if
you’re hiding a joke. Mona, please! No profile… I want you to look at me like
you know a secret but won’t tell. Yes, I like that "I ate a lemon and I
liked it" smile. Don't show your teeth, that’s it, that’s it… The
Megalith! What an enigmatic background! Aliens rule!
(Paints for
a second. WERTHER runs in, wearing a romantic black suit, and climbs the
Megalith).
WERTHER: The world is a valley of tears!
I shall hurl myself from this granite peak so the universe may feel my scorn!
Oh, cold slab of stone! You who have watched centuries of tears pass by,
receive my final breath! I shall jump so my blood may water this barren soil!
Farewell, ungrateful Charlotte!
LEONARDO: (Painting) Hey, you,
the guy in black. Could you commit suicide a bit further to the left? You’re
blocking my twilight.
WERTHER: No one understands my pain! I
am a soul in torment in a world that doesn't comprehend the Snowflake
generations!
LEONARDO: You bore me, Emo. I’d rather go
design a flying machine that will probably crash. Let's go, Mona. (Exit with painting).
(Enter
TOURISTS with hats and cameras).
TURISTA 1: Oh, look! An actor playing a
suicidal Romantic. How quaint!
WERTHER: (Dithering on the edge, trying
to keep his balance) To jump or not to jump?
TURISTA 2: Don’t move! That pose is
brilliant! We’ll pay you ten euros if you stay still for the photo.
WERTHER: (Regaining balance instantly)
Ten euros? Please! For fifty I’ll do a swan dive and land in a rhythmic
gymnastics pose. Ta-dah!
TURISTA 2: (Checking his watch)
Ugh, fifty is too much... Let's go Greta, we’ll miss the bus.
WERTHER: Fifty euros for a life… such is
the pettiness of the human race… (He meditates on human
pettiness for a few seconds, then decides to leave).
(Everyone
has left. Night falls. The stage is empty and silent. THE GUARDIAN enters. He
is old, walking with difficulty. He looks at the Megalith covered in graffiti,
tourist stickers, and paint).
GUARDIAN: That is not how I left it... No
doubt about it, you cannot trust people. They touch everything. They dirty
everything with their "ideas." You give them a clean stone and they
give you a ruin. They can't stay still. Wonder what they'll invent next.
(Enter THE
ARCHAEOLOGIST with a small brush and a magnifying glass. He begins cleaning the
base of the stone. The Guardian watches with curiosity).
ARCHAEOLOGIST: (Excited, talking to himself)
Amazing! An unprecedented find! Look at the patina on the stone... Only a
civilization of unachievable spiritual purity could have brought this megalith
to this cold territory. They were beings who knew no greed, living in harmony
with nature, guardians of a cosmic knowledge we have lost... (Notes in his sketchbook) Incredible... Or perhaps they
were beings of superior intelligence, peaceful extraterrestrials seeking
communion with the cosmos...
(The
Archaeologist continues brushing the stone with devotion as the light slowly
fades).
GUARDIAN: (To the audience, pointing at
the archaeologist) See what I mean? They have no clue. (With a smile of bitter perplexity) And now we're even
aliens. I only wanted to protect the stone… The stone gives us meaning. Bison
runs, you must chase it. Fire burns, you must feed it. I hug it. Dry stone,
happy heart. Wet stone... bad omen. (Hears a noise)
Uh-oh, someone’s coming.
BLACKOUT
C U R T A I
N
