**Orlando and Ariosto** A play by Benjamín Gavarre

**Orlando and Ariosto**

A play by Benjamín Gavarre

**Characters:**

Ariosto

Orlando

Disciple Caballón

Water Jug Carrier 1

Water Jug Carrier 2

Water Jug Carrier 3

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## First Day

The stage is almost empty. Blue and orange lights. Enormous paintings of citrus halves. In the background, majestically stand the Famous 23 Doors. The costumes are in vivid colors. Disciple Caballón will be the only one dressed in neutral colors (but will wear cothurni). Each of the WATER JUG CARRIERS will have a laurel wreath.

Ariosto sits on a large white-painted stone. He wears a thigh-length t-shirt and plays with a scarf.

**ARIOSTO.** — I would like… No, no, no. The right word is **I want.** I **WANT!** (Reflects) But what, what, whattttttt!!! I've got it! (Stands up) I want to prepare a good dish of **DIVERSE PEARS.** Mhhhh. With a very good sauce of embedded snails and a smoothie of **VERMILION CARROTS** all around. Yes. But, first I need Orlando to return from his **ROUND** and then I will ask him… Oh, no: I will demand from him… **THE RECIPE** for: **DIVERSE PEARS!!!** I’ll ask him for the recipe, and he’ll give it to me, because if nottttttt…

**ORLANDO.** — Diverse Pears??? Diverse Pears!!!! (Threateningly) Don’t even think about it or murmur it under the shower… Don’t you know, my dear, my tiny Ariosto, that Disciple Caballón has **FORBIDDEN** the use of cubic refractories in the Enclosure?

**ARIOSTO.** — Nooo. You want to trick me. (Playfully) I’d bet you’re doing all this so you don’t have to give me the recipe for…

**ORLANDO.** — **Silence!**

**ARIOSTO.** — Oh, yes, I’ll be silent and you won’t be able to see the Dried Air of my Succulent Words.

**ORLANDO.** — Succulent?… Today your Mind has Dried up into a rather seasoned portion of your stomach.

**ARIOSTO.** — Meaning???

**ORLANDO.** — I mean **NOTHING**, and when I say Nothing, it means I don’t care what happens to you, is that clear?, nor what you feel, nor anything… (Furious) Could you stop fiddling with your scarf!!???

**ARIOSTO.** — Are those Marine Breaths that the Young Master has between his teeth???? It would be better if you sat down and patiently cultivated **MONOTONY.**

*Orlando sits and Ariosto begins to circle around him, modeling his thigh-length t-shirt.*

**ORLANDO.** — Hmph, Hmph. You are provoking my agonizing senses with your spherical walk, beloved Ariosto. Cease, cease, cease, richness of your bluish movements… And listen, listen, listen to what I bring for you from the Enclosure market.

**ARIOSTO.** — Speak then, and recommend to your Neurons not to bother shouting nonsense.

**ORLANDO.** — What are **you** shouting???

**ARIOSTO.** — Don’t get confused with words.

**ORLANDO.** — Ah, that’s what you meant… (After a pause in which he sucks his pinky finger) Well!... I will tell you the message of the message from the Great Enclosure. (Pompous) You must know that Disciple Caballón will cook a Tombola for the Next Battle. A Tombola which will feature as a startling innovation: The Tender story of throwing glass cups full of water at all the longed-for prizes of the Great **SACRED** Tombola.

**ARIOSTO.** — And how does that affect me?

**ORLANDO.** — But what a rude and villainous, hollow-skirted weakling! (Pause) Anyway… it is **INEVITABLE** that all members of the Enclosure: that is, including Youuuuuu (Tired) Ah. Anyway. Each will carry in their bony hands their simple provision of crystal-clear water.

**ARIOSTO.** — You should have said it without so much ado. And when will the Rich Tombola take place?

**ORLANDO.** — The next day.

**ARIOSTO.** — Well, let’s not prolong the moment. Let’s head to the Enclosure and prepare our provision of Dirty Unbreakable Glass Cups.

*They exit. The sound of an airplane taking off is heard.*

*Three men enter with empty water jugs on their shoulders. They gather at a point on the stage.*

**WATER JUG CARRIER 1.** — I’m gonna fill the Big Jug and I’m gonna throw all the Big Jug and all the water at Disciple Caballote’s restless FACE.

**WATER JUG CARRIER 2.** — No, no, no, no. Not Caballote. Caballón. His name is Caballón. Disciple Caballón, son of Genius Caballón, guardian of the 23 doors of the Enclosure. And the one we should throw the big jug full of water at is not the Disciple, but, and listen carefully, at the **TOMOBOLA**, at the Great Sacred Tombola.

**WATER JUG CARRIER 1.** — Well, I’ll throw the jug at Caballote’s big Face. And you explain your, your, your nuts to your favorite armadillo.

**WATER JUG CARRAFONERO 2.** — Why do you want to attack the Disciple of the Enclosure?

**WATER JUG CARRAFONERO 1.** — Because I… Iiiii… Iiiii… **BOO HOO!** (Grotesque) I gave my **FIVE LITTLE FAVORITES** to the Tombola AND THE PARTICIPANTS will quickly break the five **BABIES** that I donated, that I gave, with much affection and self-sacrifice, to the forces of the Enclosure.

**WATER JUG CARRIER 3.** — Gifts are deceptions: if you gave your children for the Great Sacred Tombola, you should be happy and not do foolish things.

**WATER JUG CARRIER 1.** — I’ll smash his big head.

**WATER JUG CARRIER 2.** — Whose? Why?

**WATER JUG CARRIER 1.** — Caballote Caballón, I’ll leave him toothless and he’ll only be able to eat nutritious vegetable meat.

**WATER JUG CARRIER 3.** — We’d better fill the jugs with the liquid and be ready. Set. Ready. Prepared for the Great Sacred Tombola.

**WATER JUG CARRIER 2.** — Let’s go then, and you, WATER JUG CARRIER ONE, you won’t dare to rebel except in your dreams.

*They exit the stage.*

*DISCIPLE CABALLÓN enters, followed by TWENTY-THREE more or less large balls.*

**DISCIPLE CABALLÓN.** — (Speaks to the Audience) Ah, subjects. Ahhhhh Subjectssssss! Companions of bells and tormented balloons. I assure you that the decision made by Me is joyful, simple, and **VERTICALLY**… the only one possible. Almost, almost (about to cry)… almost… **Achooo!** (Wipes his nose) …I was saying: Almost as unusually well thought out as the one I made on the 23rd day when I decided autonomously and sentimentally, to (about to cry or sneeze) …**Substitute them!** (Laconic) That is, replace them… Them… anyway… them… (Triumphant) with intelligent colored balls masterfully chosen by me. By ME. By MMMMEEEEEE!!!! (Formal, to one of the balls) Or what do you think, my dear minister… Don’t tell me! Do you, my esteemed minister, think that my decision to create the Tombola, the great Sacred Tombola, is **UNIQUESPLENDID.** Simply **VERTICAL?** Noooo? Or Nooooo?... Heh, heh, thank you. That’s precisely what I thought you’d answer… Well, yes, let’s see, my round subjects: Here come Ariosto and Orlando and they will surely prostrate themselves before me, as is customary.

*Ariosto and Orlando enter with glass cups full of water.*

**ARIOSTO.** — (To someone in the audience) Me! Me??? Are you looking at me? (To Disciple Caballón) Me?!… that’s all I needed. After forbidding THE DIVERSE PEARS RECIPE (To Disciple Caballón) You dare to look at meee. You dare to LOOKKKKK AT MEEEEEEEEEE?!!!

**DISCIPLE CABALLÓN.** — (Kindly) Not only at you, Ariosto, but also at your companion Orlando. You become more tender and bestial every day. Ah, but I see you bring your provision of glass cups with crystalline liquid, and in advance.

**ORLANDO.** — Chlorine, dog, I mean, of course… **OF COURSE!**, Your Majesty. In response to your erect…

**DISCIPLE CABALLÓN.** — No!… (Pause) …Vertical?…

**ORLANDO.** — Of course. Your **VERTICAL** decision about tomorrow’s Tombola. I was saying… Oh yes… In view of YOUR **WISE** Decision… We… have decided in turn to **ADVANCE** the Liquid-liquid Provision. In advance.

**ARIOSTO.** — (Ironic) Of course… We wanted to heat the water **IN OUR MOUTHS** and so tomorrow we will drink the hot water with a little sugar and two lumps of COFFEE.

**DISCIPLE CABALLÓN.** — (Always kind) On the contrary.

**ARIOSTO.** — (Furious) Will you **dare to prevent it?**

**DISCIPLE CABALLÓN.** — No, of course not, don’t even think about it: I only meant, my beloved Ariosto, that lumps are usually only of sugar.

**ARIOSTO.** — Oh, well, if that’s the case, I don’t think there’s any problem. Lumps are lumps.

**ORLANDO.** — **Enough, Ariosto!** Do you dare to go against Disciple Caballón’s Justice??? Remember he is the son of Our Founder, Genius Caballón, Guardian of The Twenty-Three Doors.

**ARIOSTO.** — (Insolent) And tell me, Mr. Caballón… Why the decision to destroy the Tombola prizes by throwing water glasses?????

**DISCIPLE CABALLÓN.** — Well… ask my First Minister. He will know how to answer you.

**ARIOSTO.** — No, it’s not necessary. I think it will be a good answer. Won’t it be a good answer, Orlando?

**ORLANDO.** — I think so, and it would be better if we let the Court walk to its destiny. Until tomorrow’s Tombola, Disciple Caballón. See you later, distinguished members of the Enclosure Court!!!

**DISCIPLE CABALLÓN.** — Until the Tombola then, and don’t forget your provision of water glasses.

**ARIOSTO.** — We won’t forget, Your Majesty, we won’t forget.

**ORLANDO.** — See you later.

**DISCIPLE CABALLÓN.** — Until tomorrow.

**ARIOSTO.** — Until the Tombola.

**ORLANDO.** — Goodbyeeeeeeeee.

*All disappear quickly, the Ball-Ministers last. The sound of an airplane taking off is heard again.*

*Blackout*

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## Second Day

We see an enormous orange box with the legend "The Great Sacred Tombola" in black letters. Next to the box, on a frame, is painted the image of a large smile. On another frame, we see the image of two large yellow fangs. On a raised platform, very dignified, are Disciple Caballón's "Ball-Ministers."

At the beginning of the scene, the three WATER JUG CARRIERS are frozen with their full containers. Orlando and Ariosto throw full glasses of water at the enormous box, and each time they do, the glass falls to the bottom of the box and produces a loud explosion of glass that fills the entire space. After each "glass-throwing with water," Orlando and Ariosto are euphoric, or they meticulously observe the three grotesque characters, as if waiting for them to react.

**ARIOSTO.** — (Throws another glass) It’s ridiculous! A box that **claims** to be the Great Sacred Tombola, pretends to Be… the Great Sacred Tombola????

**ORLANDO.** — Tombola, tombola, tombola… not very tombola.

**ARIOSTO.** — Of course not. It doesn't even spin, it doesn't even turn, you can't choose anything, you don't win anything, what's the point. You can only throw glasses of water at the Most Sacred and hear the glasses break. (Throws another glass and the sound of shattering glass is heard). See? Does anyone gain anything from the shattering glass? (Throws another glass, followed by shattering. Orlando throws his: glass, shattering). One gains nothing.

*Pause. Both yawn, then stare impassively at the WATER JUG CARRIERS.*

**WATER JUG CARRIER 1.** — (Unfreezes, very circumspect. To Ariosto…) Excuse the intrusion on your person, but I have a sense of duty to communicate to you by means of this interruption…

**ARIOSTO.** — (Annoyed) **Tell me!**

**WATER JUG CARRIER 1.** — (On the verge of tears) I’ll tell you: my children. My favorite little creatures. My inner world. My everything!!!!

**ARIOSTO.** — And how does that affect me!

**WATER JUG CARRIER 1.** — (Furious) It affects you in no way, of course. You… What would you care! Oh, but my five helpless little ones who are in there, in the purulent Great Sacred Tombola **OHHH!** (He hugs his jug and tries to put his hand through the mouth of the container).

**ARIOSTO.** — Ah, it’s about your children, your little pets. He doesn’t seem to be the type to… (He stops himself from what he was about to say) Right, Orlando? I never thought such creatures would have children.

**ORLANDO.** — Everyone can be a parent. Some even have more than two, even more than five. You see, Ariosto, it’s just a matter of encouraging him to have more children.

**ARIOSTO.** — That’s right, blockhead: You can have more children.

**WATER JUG CARRIER 1.** — I don’t want more children, Sir. I want my five little ones, my five, my five, my five cherubs, Ohhhhhhh.

**ARIOSTO.** — (To Orlando) I’m going to vomit. (Supposedly compassionate, to WATER JUG CARRIER 1) Don’t worry, they’ll surely be saved, since the water we threw at it is at the necessary temperature.

**WATER JUG CARRIER 1.** — And the glass shards?

**ARIOSTO.** — The glass? (To Orlando) We didn’t throw glass shards, or did we?

**ORLANDO.** — No, we only threw whole glasses. And the water is harmless, besides, it’s lukewarm. We previously heated it in our mouths as everyone knows.

**ARIOSTO.** — It’s true, on the other hand, your little ones were at the bottom of the tombola, or not so much. I must say, for your consolation, that the tombola, however sacred it may be, is a fiasco, it doesn’t spin or anything. It doesn’t turn! It has no prizes! What’s the point!!!!!!

**ORLANDO.** — Yes, don’t worry. It doesn’t turn. So your little ones are not in danger, you see? Besides, if they had suffered any harm, we would have heard them by now. And we haven’t heard anything, no crying or anything.

**ARIOSTO.** — Yes, don’t worry, Sir. I only hear a sepulchral silence. (Turns to look at Orlando with a knowing gesture).

**WATER JUG CARRIER 1.** — My children. My little children. Ayyyyyy.

**ORLANDO.** — (“Conciliatory”) In a way, our friend Ariosto is right. Not only the little ones would be destroyed, but all the members’ contributions to the Great Sacred Tombola. Imagine how many succulent and dizzying dishes are in there?

**ARIOSTO.** — Besides the little pets, the little ones. Yes, it’s true. I don’t think anything will be destroyed. Even the **ROPEOFSTRICTSENSE** was included by one of the most eminent members of the Enclosure. I know that. I know, I know.

**WATER JUG CARRIER 2.** — (Unfreezes) What are you saying! The **ROPEOFSTRICTSENSE** is in danger? There are glass shards, broken glasses, you know, the crystals, the water.

**ARIOSTO.** — Yes, it could be in danger, but don’t worry, I don’t think so. At most it will get a little wet, or a piece of glass will get tangled with it. But strict sense will always be strict sense, and the rope, a rope.

**ORLANDO.** — That’s what I say, and the rope, a rope.

**WATER JUG CARRIER 3.** — (Unfreezes: to the other WATER JUG CARRIERS) Do you know what will be the destiny of the Sacred Tombola once destroyed?

**WATER JUG CARRIER 2.** — It will be Destroyed?

**WATER JUG CARRIER 1.** — Destroyed, My children, ayyyyyyyy!

**ARIOSTO.** — (Atrocious) The tombola, the Great Sacred Tombola, once destroyed, will be… It will be kept in door number 28.

**ORLANDO.** — Are you kidding? There are only 23 doors.

**ARIOSTO.** — Disciple Caballón, upon the death of Genius Caballón, decided to inaugurate 23 more doors, but these would be identified by irrational numbers.

**ORLANDO.** — But is the number twenty-eight irrational?

**ARIOSTO.** — That’s right.

**ORLANDO.** — I don’t understand anything.

**ARIOSTO.** — Ah, you’re right, Orlando. This is the world we live in. It doesn’t make much sense, does it, hehehehe. Hahahahahahaha… I think so… But… Anyway… Finally. Our Disciple Caballón is approaching: I’ll have to spit in his face.

*DISCIPLE CABALLÓN enters. The three WATER JUG CARRIERS prostrate themselves before him and freeze.*

**DISCIPLE CABALLÓN.** — Why do you want to spit on me, Ariosto?

**ARIOSTO.** — That’s none of your business, and to make you angrier: I will not neglect my saliva from your reddish cavity.

**DISCIPLE CABALLÓN.** — Well, well. Good!... I was saying… My lads, charming ministers, beloved subjects: I am going to deliver my inaugural speech on the occasion of the destruction of the great sacred tombola.

**WATER JUG CARRIER 1.** — (Unfreezes) First, I want to say that I don’t agree.

**WATER JUG CARRIER 2.** — Neither do I.

**WATER JUG CARRIER 3.** — Me.

**DISCIPLE CABALLÓN.** — Heh, heh. Of course, of course. “Me,” heh, heh. Anyway. It being 23 o’clock in this magnificent Paradise of the Enclosure, I permit myself…

**ORLANDO.** — Do you allow me to say that I don’t agree either?

**DISCIPLE CABALLÓN.** — Of course… I was saying. I permit myself: given the investiture that my predecessor, my Father, Genius Caballón, conferred upon me on the 23rd day of Another time… To inaugurate…

**ALL.** — Nooooo!

**ARIOSTO.** — **I refuse!**

**DISCIPLE CABALLÓN.** — And yet it’s a superb idea, decidedly Vertical.

**ORLANDO.** — (Equanimous) Think for a moment. If, once the Great Sacred Tombola is destroyed, it is sent to door number twenty-eight… Perhaps it will forever enclose five anguished little ones.

**DISCIPLE CABALLÓN.** — Oh, there are only five.

**ARIOSTO.** — He’s right about that: There are only five.

**WATER JUG CARRIER 1.** — (Cries) Oh, wretched! (Puts his hand in the mouth of the jug) My poor little multicolored cherubs!

**DISCIPLE CABALLÓN.** — Are they fish?

**ARIOSTO.** — No one knows… They are little ones, they are his children. That much is certain, no doubt.

**ORLANDO.** — Circumstances speak for themselves.

**DISCIPLE CABALLÓN.** — One would have to know the opinion of the little ones.

**WATER JUG CARRIER 1.** — (Piteously) They are deaf!!!

**ARIOSTO.** — (Obvious) But they will be able to speak. (To WATER JUG CARRIER 1) Can they speak? Yes? No?

**ORLANDO.** — I would propose an intermediate solution to the dispute.

**ARIOSTO.** — Yes, I’m hungry.

**DISCIPLE CABALLÓN.** — That would imply a new decree. I’m going to consult my ministers. (He approaches the balls and begins to “interrogate” them). Yes or yes?... Oh, I’m so sorry… And you?... (Pause, he “hears” another opinion from one of his “ministers”) Well, it’s not that bad… And you two?... Of course. That’s exactly what I think. Well, it seems the intermediate solution has been studied and approved.

**ALL.** — Bravo! Hurrah! Bravo!

**DISCIPLE CABALLÓN.** — I will dictate The New Decree: It being the pertinent hours for the case… and knowing that the expressed decision will be the best possible… (He looks at everyone, both scared and insecure.) …I will dictate the following…

**ARIOSTO.** — Yes, yes, go ahead, continue, go on… **OR I’LL SPIT ON YOU!**

**DISCIPLE CABALLÓN.** — Coming, coming. I was saying: I will pronounce… The following…

**ALL.** — (Exasperated) Well, hurry up!

**DISCIPLE CABALLÓN.** — It’s a matter of taking time. These are serious matters. One has to. analyze, consider, assess, evaluate… **PONDER!**

**ORLANDO.** — It’s obvious.

**ARIOSTO.** — Not so much.

**WATER JUG CARRIER 1.** — We should leave him alone to think.

**ORLANDO.** — Oh, no. He wouldn’t be alone. He would always be near all the Ministers.

**ARIOSTO.** — And why leave him alone? Later, when we return, it will be necessary for everyone to agree on the decision made.

**ORLANDO.** — Would it be necessary?

**ARIOSTO.** — Evidently, yes.

**ORLANDO.** — Then, if you say so (Pompous) **It is necessary! It will be necessary!** Very necessary.

**DISCIPLE CABALLÓN.** — It is necessary that you remain silent.

**ARIOSTO.** — If I said so, we must speak, before disagreeing.

**WATER JUG CARRIER 3.** — Whattttttt?

**DISCIPLE CABALLÓN.** — (Very angry) **EVERYONE SHUT UP!** (Long Silence) …I was saying: It being these hours today that I don’t remember. I will pronounce the following decree. **DECREE THAT EVERYONE DOES WHAT THEY WANT.**

**ARIOSTO.** — Oh, no, you can’t do this to me. I don’t have to put up with so much injustice. In fact, I’m leaving. (Takes two steps) Better stay. But we have to save the little ones.

**ORLANDO.** — That’s what I say, save them.

**WATER JUG CARRIER 1.** — It’s too late.

**ARIOSTO.** — Yes, at this point, if they’re not dead, at least… they’ll be agonizing. We can investigate. I’m going to throw another glass of water into the Tombola, to see if they react. (Pours the water content into the tombola, but without the glass) See, nothing is heard. They’re dead.

**WATER JUG CARRIER 1.** — Well, I’ll pour the water in the most appropriate place (Pours the contents of a glass on DISCIPLE CABALLÓN).

**ARIOSTO.** — I agree (Pours the contents of another glass on DISCIPLE).

**ALL.** — (Bathe him) We all agree.

**DISCIPLE CABALLÓN.** — (Almost cries or sneezes) Ministers, this is humiliating. I resign. I will lock myself in door 23 and not even with your most hysterical laments will you manage to make my beautiful body come out (Very dignified) Until my torment ends, sincerely, **I HATE YOU ALL!** (Runs off).

**ARIOSTO.** — Oh, it wasn’t that bad. He didn’t have to dramatize.

**ORLANDO.** — You’ll see, he’ll come back. He always does… And what do we do now? Do we save the little ones?

**WATER JUG CARRIER 1.** — They’re Dead!

**ARIOSTO.** — Did you check?

**WATER JUG CARRIER 1.** — No, will you help me?

**ARIOSTO.** — That’s your business, don’t you think?

**WATER JUG CARRIER 1.** — Yes, that’s true. (To the other WATER JUG CARRIERS) Will you help me?

**WATER JUG CARRIER 2.** — I don’t know.

**WATER JUG CARRIER 3.** — What if we bathe first?

**WATER JUG CARRIER 2.** — That’s the first sensible idea I’ve heard. Me first… (Pours the contents of his jug over WATER JUG CARRIER 1’s head)

**WATER JUG CARRIER 3.** — No, whose idea was it? Mine, right? Well then… Me first (In turn, pours the contents of his jug [it can be confetti] over WATER JUG CARRIER 1’s head)

**WATER JUG CARRIER 1.** — Ah, yes… Well, I can be first too (Empties the contents of his jug over the heads of the other two. Orlando and Ariosto subtly move away).

**THE THREE WATER JUG CARRIERS.** — Eh, bravo. You first. Nooo, me first, no him first, eh. Bravo!

**ARIOSTO.** — But how obnoxious.

**ORLANDO.** — Yes. Do you think the little ones will be saved?

*The WATER JUG CARRIERS are once again frozen in very grotesque positions.*

**ARIOSTO.** — (Plays with his scarf) They’ll be saved, they won’t be saved… That’s a matter that doesn’t concern me now.

**ORLANDO.** — No?

**ARIOSTO.** — What I’d like to know now, my beloved, my dearest Orlando, since there is no inconvenience to IT…

**ORLANDO.** — (Disturbed) Yes??

**ARIOSTO.** — Could you, that is, would you have no inconvenience in giving me, that is, I… (Decisive) **Could you give me the recipe for THE DIVERSE PEARS?**

*BLACKOUT*

*THE SOUND OF AN AIRPLANE LANDING IS HEARD*

**The End**

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