PATOLÍN AND FRIENDS: JUST FOLLOW THE SCRIPT!
CHARACTERS:
PATOLÍN (The Director): Wears a director’s cap and carries a whistle. He’s stressed out because he’s the only one trying to make "art."
GRUMPY DUCK (The Serious Villain): Wears a black cape and carries a cane. He takes himself way too seriously and hates being humiliated.
ADVENTURE DUCK (The Stuntman): He wants explosions, high-altitude jumps, and action-hero catchphrases.
THE WISE DUCK (The Grand Lady): Living in a cloud of confusion. She thinks she’s at a grocery store, a wedding, or a funeral—anywhere but the actual play.
SCENE 1: THE DIRECTOR’S MELTDOWN
(The stage has a chair that says "DIRECTOR." PATOLÍN enters blowing his whistle and clutching a thick script).
PATOLÍN: (To the audience) Quiet on the set! Lights, camera, and... nervous breakdown! I’m Patolín, the Director. I’m supposed to be a respectable actor, but the author of this play—a guy named Benjamín who lives in another country or maybe in Writer’s Heaven where there’s no Wi-Fi—left me alone with this script. And my cast is a disaster!
(ADVENTURE DUCK enters with a pro-wrestling roll: "Bam! Pow!").
ADVENTURE DUCK: Patolín! I’ve got an idea! Instead of walking to the pond, I enter on a flying jet ski that shoots sparks! And then I fight a ninja shark!
PATOLÍN: There is no budget for ninja sharks! The script says: "The duck walks naturally." Just walk normal, please!
ADVENTURE DUCK: (Scoffs) That author was a bore. Good thing he’s far away. I bet they don’t even have jet skis in his country!
SCENE 2: ENTER THE VILLAIN (OR SO HE THINKS)
(Ominous villain music. GRUMPY DUCK enters with a black cape and a cane. He looks genuinely evil).
GRUMPY DUCK: Tremble, you farm-standard ducks! The pond is mine. I have come to pollute the water with broccoli and cancel all Sundays. I am the feathered darkness!
PATOLÍN: (Reading the script) Yes, yes... very nice, Grumpy. But it says here that even though you’re evil, the script forces you to be... a bit "special."
GRUMPY DUCK: (Threateningly) No one forces me to do anything! I am the Lord of the Shadows!
PATOLÍN: (Smirking wickedly) Oh, really? Sound guy! Page 12, Stage Direction!
(Sound of a typewriter: Tack, tack, tack, DING!)
VOICE OVER / PATOLÍN: "Suddenly, the Grumpy Duck loses his evilness and... starts hopping like a bunny while saying: 'I’m a little cotton ball'!"
GRUMPY DUCK: (Fighting his own body) No! I... won’t... say...! (Starts hopping ridiculously across the stage). I’m a little cotton ball! I’m a little cotton ball! Curse you, absent author!
ADVENTURE DUCK: (Laughing) That was better than the ninja sharks! Make him think he’s a chicken laying an egg!
SCENE 3: THE WISE DUCK AND THE LINGUISTIC CHAOS
(THE WISE DUCK enters with a shopping cart and a vintage wig).
THE WISE DUCK: Oh, what a lovely funeral! Where did they put the flowers... the towers... the clam chowder?
PATOLÍN: Wise Duck! We’re in the middle of the confrontation scene! You’re supposed to give us wise advice.
THE WISE DUCK: Advice? I brought rice... and mice... and some ice. (Pulls a mirror out of her cart and hands it to Patolín). Here, so you can see how ugly your face gets when you yell. Has the parade started? The lemonade? The marmalade?
PATOLÍN: We’ve been performing for half an hour!
THE WISE DUCK: Oh! How rude. I was looking for the line for the vaccination... the vacation... the levitation! (Points at Grumpy Duck who is still hopping). Look at that bunny, he’s far too fat for the stew... the shoe... the kazoos!
SCENE 4: REBELLION ON STAGE
ADVENTURE DUCK: Patolín, enough with the script! (Snatches the script). If the author isn’t here to defend himself, I’m writing the ending!
PATOLÍN: No! Art requires structure! The author is a genius who is in the clouds (or in France)!
ADVENTURE DUCK: (Writing on the paper with a giant crayon) Well, now it says... "ALL VILLAINS MUST DANCE THE CAN-CAN!"
(Fast-paced Can-Can music starts playing).
GRUMPY DUCK: (Dancing desperately, kicking his legs up) This is an outrage! I’m suing this theater! My cape was not made for this!
THE WISE DUCK: (Joining the dance with her cart) That’s it! Shake your jelly... your belly... your celly! Move your hips... the ships... the potato chips!
FINAL SCENE: THE AUTHOR TAKES THE BLAME
PATOLÍN: (Giving up, tossing his whistle) Fine! Do whatever you want! The audience is having fun anyway, and the author can’t hear us.
ADVENTURE DUCK: That’s a smart director! Let’s all go to the South Seas, but in a cardboard rocket ship!
GRUMPY DUCK: (Tired from dancing) Can I come? But swear you won’t make me hop like a bunny ever again.
THE WISE DUCK: Let’s go! I’ve got the pizza... the Pisa... the Mona Lisa!
PATOLÍN: (To the audience) Well, there you have it... theater is what happens when the director looks away and the author goes on vacation. QUACK!
(Cheerful music. Adventure Duck tries to carry Wise Duck, Grumpy Duck tries to regain his dignity, and Patolín throws the script into the air).
CURTAIN
