The Three Wise Men:
MELCHOR, GASPAR & BALTASAR vs THE ORANGE EMPIRE
2026 Version
POR JULIO AMADÍS
DRAMATIS PERSONAE:
MELCHOR: The academic. Attempts to speak in Old Spanish verse but is constantly distracted by modern geopolitics. Carries frankincense (and ibuprofen).
GASPAR: The complaining logistician. Carries the gold and has a ruined back. Hates modern infrastructure.
BALTASAR: The techno-mystic. Carries the myrrh and is the only one who understands messages in "the cloud" (literally, balloons).
HEROD: The puppet Viceroy of Rome’s "Blonde Emperor." Wears an orange toupée, overuses self-tanner, and is obsessed with oil.
THE CHILD GOD: In the manger. He's very big and smiles. He's in a privileged spot next to her birth parents. Does not speak, but has celestial aim when throwing balloons containing messages and sentences.
OLAF & BJORN: Two very lost Vikings who were looking for an "All-Inclusive" beach resort and ended up in the middle of the desert.
SCENE I: THE MULTIVERSE OF THE ROAD
(An absurd desert landscape. There are nopales (prickly pears), snow on the ground, a bison grazing in the background, and a Viking longship stranded on a dune. The Magi enter, exhausted.)
MELCHOR:
O Creator Lord, what marvel here!
Is that a star, or a lightbulb’s sphere?
Brief is the time since its holy birth,
But the road is the worst on this middle-earth!
GASPAR:
For Heaven's sake, Melchor! Drop the verse already, the camels are practically smoking. Crossing New Spain during the holidays is a nightmare: to the left, we’ve got Native Americans in tipis smoking peace pipes, and to the right, some Vikings who got lost looking for Puerto Vallarta. And those bison won't stop giving my luggage the evil eye!
BALTASAR:
(Looking at the sky, skillfully catching a red balloon as it drifts down.)
Quiet, gentlemen! Another urgent dispatch from the Boy. This balloon comes straight from the heights of Bethlehem-Tenochtitlan. (Reading the note tied to the string.) The lad says to hurry up. Maximum alert: "Old Man Clausure"—that Santa Claus fellow who dresses in Coca-Cola red—is already trying to cross the northern border wall with his doped-up reindeer.
MELCHOR:
By my oath! This Santa is a usurper! He only gives gifts if there's a chimney and central heating. We are all-terrain: we go to the slums, the colonies, where the shoes are broken but the heart is large. In Mexico, the Spains, and Venezuela, we are the true bosses of wonder! Quicken the pace!
SCENE II: THE VICEROY OF THE BLONDE EMPIRE
(Herod's Palace. A mix of Roman style and a Miami luxury tower. HEROD is sitting on an oil barrel, combing his orange toupée.)
HEROD:
Listen well, you rhetoricians and star-gazers! The Blonde Emperor—he of Rome’s great golden wig—has given me supreme command. He says New Spain and the south have plenty of "black juice" under the soil. We want Venezuela's oil and the lithium of the deserts! Make Judea Great Again! And if any child is born saying the world belongs to everyone or that we should share... immediate deportation!
(The Magi enter, sweaty and burdened.)
GASPAR:
Creator save you, Herod! We come in peace. We bring frankincense, gold, myrrh, and some Barbies we were asked to deliver to some girls in Caracas.
HEROD:
(Looking at them with disgust.)
Toys? Who wants toys? I want barrels! And this child you seek...? My spies say he looks Palestinian, with dangerous ideas about "peace" and "love." That’s not good business for the Empire! I’ll eat him for lunch in a stew before he organizes a Shepherds' Union. To the pot with the diapered subversive!
SCENE III: THE CELESTIAL DISPATCH AND THE "PAMBA"
(The Manger. Humble, but the Child glows intensely. HEROD bursts in violently with a giant fork and an embargo contract.)
HEROD:
The fairy tale is over! I’m expropriating this manger for public utility to build a luxury hotel with a golf course! And I’m eating the kid with habanero salsa!
(The Child opens one eye, lifts a chubby hand, and launches a white balloon directly into Herod's face. POFF! Herod goes mute instantly. He opens his mouth to scream, but only streamers and confetti come out.)
BALTASAR:
(Quickly grabbing the letter from the white balloon.)
Hear the sentence of the Creator! (Reads): "The Boy says Herod is fusty. That his wig smells of mothballs and lies. That the oil doesn't belong to the Blonde One, but to the Earth, and he is to shut his mouth permanently or be turned into a statue of table salt."
GASPAR:
Hallelujah! He’s been muzzled by the divine! No more propaganda!
MELCHOR:
Brother Kings, let us proceed with the ancestral protocol of justice! The National Pamba! Have at him!
(The three Kings surround Herod, who tries to crawl away, his knees trembling. They begin to give him rhythmic slaps on the head and back in a "Pamba" beat.)
MELCHOR: Take a pamba for wanting to invade brother nations! (Whack!)
GASPAR: Take a pamba for being Rome’s puppet and trying to steal the oil! (Thump!)
BALTASAR: Take a pamba for not respecting the rights of others, which is peace! (Slap, slap!)
SCENE IV: THE NORDIC INTERVENTION
(In the middle of the pamba, OLAF and BJORN enter, overheated, dragging shields and horned helmets.)
OLAF:
By Thor’s hammer and Odin’s beard! We’ve been walking in circles for three moons! Where the hell are the Puerto Vallarta beaches with the "All-Inclusive" wristbands? The Google Maps oracle told us it was straight after the iceberg, but here there's only sand, cactus, and weird people hitting each other!
BJORN:
My throat is as dry as the Gobi Desert! Look, Olaf! What is that orange beast crawling on the floor spitting confetti?
(They point to Herod, who is trying to hide under a mule.)
OLAF:
Heavens! It looks like a dying seal with a golden bird's nest on its head! Could this be the guardian of the Blonde Emperor’s treasure?
MELCHOR:
(Stopping the pamba for a moment.)
Peace, noble barbarians of the north! He is no beast, though he looks it. It is Viceroy Herod, silenced by the Child God for being a loudmouth and a tyrant.
GASPAR:
Exactly! And if you’re looking for Vallarta, you’ve overshot your mark by a few thousand nautical miles to the south, güeros.
BJORN:
(Approaching Herod and sniffing his toupée suspiciously.)
Ugh... smells like fear, cheap sunblock, and hairspray. This one isn't even fit for a sacrifice to Odin! Let’s go, Olaf!
OLAF:
Yes, let’s go! This kingdom is too strange! Children launch balloons that strike you mute, kings ride camels instead of longships, and there’s no cold beer! Let’s keep looking for the Beach Valhalla!
(The Vikings run off, "accidentally" stepping on Herod's cape as they leave.)
SCENE V: THE TREATY AND THE NIGHT OF THE SHOES
(Nighttime. A humble rooftop in Mexico City. Clothes are hanging on a line, and several pairs of old little shoes sit by a window. A full moon shines.)
BALTASAR:
(Landing softly from his camel.)
Shhh! Quiet, Gaspar! Your knees creak louder than an enchanted castle door. We’ve reached the first stop of the Great Night.
GASPAR:
(Panting, lowering a heavy sack.)
Oh, my sciatica! Melchor, pass me the tablet with the list. What did little Pepito from this neighborhood ask for?
MELCHOR:
(Checking a long parchment with a magnifying glass.)
Let’s see... Pepito, son of Doña Lupe the quesadilla lady. He asks for "world peace, lower gas prices, and... a Lightning McQueen scooter!"
GASPAR:
Lord! The peace and gas prices we’ll leave to the Child God; he’s negotiating the treaty with the world powers. I’ll handle the scooter. (Pulls a shiny scooter from the sack.) Look at this beauty! Made with heavy-duty materials, none of that Chinese plastic "Santa Clausure" uses!
BALTASAR:
Speaking of the fat man! Look over there, on the rich neighbor’s chimney!
(He points into the distance: a red boot and a Santa hat are seen ridiculously stuck on a satellite dish.)
MELCHOR:
Ha ha ha! The North Pole usurper tried to land and got snagged! His reindeer aren't built for New Spain’s overhead wiring!
GASPAR:
Let him go back to his igloo! Here, we are the tradition. We enter through the window, with permission from the parents and the guard dog—who already knows us and wags his tail.
BALTASAR:
(Leaving wooden cars and a rag doll next to some broken shoes that magically belong to a girl in Venezuela.)
And this gift for the girl in the south! Let her know that the gold we bring isn't for empires, but so that she can play.
MELCHOR:
(Sprinkling a bit of glowing magic that smells of frankincense over the shoes.)
And a bit of stardust so they dream sweet dreams and have no fear! Mission accomplished in this house! To the next rooftop!
SCENE VI: FINAL EPILOGUE
(The three Kings return to their camels, who are waiting on the roof chewing on a sock.)
BALTASAR:
Listen! The Child’s last balloon before closing shop! (Catches it.) It says: "Thanks, colleagues. The world is a little less fusty tonight. Herod is still mute and crawling, and the Vikings found a 'tacos al pastor' stand and say it’s better than Valhalla. Good job!"
GASPAR:
Hallelujah! Well now, let’s run—in Spain they’re already setting out the Roscón cake, and if we’re late, we’ll get the bean and have to pay for it!
MELCHOR:
Let us go, companions! Long live the wonder, down with tyranny, and may the camels hold their gallop until next year!
ALL:
(Looking directly at the audience, winking mischievously.)
And you, children and not-so-children, behave yourselves... because even if there's no GPS signal, we see everything... even your incognito browsing history!
(They fly away on their camels, leaving a trail of stars and candy.)
FAST CURTAIN
(BEFORE THE ELECTRIC BILL ARRIVES)
**English Glossary*
Here is the English Glossary to help a foreign reader (or audience) navigate the cultural and historical "multiverse" of this play.
Cultural & Historical Glossary for the Play
The Magi / Three Kings (Los Reyes Magos): In most Spanish-speaking countries, the Three Kings (Melchior, Caspar, and Balthazar) are the primary figures who bring gifts to children on the night of January 5th. While Santa Claus has gained popularity, the Kings remain the cultural "bosses" of the holiday season.
New Spain (Nueva España): Historically, this was the name of the Spanish viceroyalty that included present-day Mexico. In this play, it is treated as a farcical multiverse where historical periods collide—allowing Vikings, bisons, and oil tycoons to coexist in the same desert.
Pamba: A specific Mexican tradition (often found in schools or among friends) where a group of people gives rhythmic, light-hearted slaps or "pats" to someone's head. In the play, it is used as a form of "community justice" against the tyrant Herod.
Letters in Balloons (Cartitas en globos): A traditional Mexican custom where children tie their wish lists to helium balloons and release them into the sky so the Three Kings can "catch" them in the clouds. In the play, the Child uses them to send "divine memos."
The "Golden Emperor" (El Emperador Güero): A satirical reference to modern populist leaders (specifically referencing Donald Trump's aesthetic and policies). "Güero" is a common Mexican term for someone who is fair-skinned or blonde.
Santa Clausura: A play on words. "Clausura" means closure or shutting down in Spanish. It’s a derogatory nickname the Kings use for Santa Claus to emphasize that he is an outsider representing "commercial closure" rather than local tradition.
Rosca de Reyes: Mentioned at the end of the script. It is a traditional ring-shaped cake eaten on January 6th. It contains a small plastic figurine representing the Child; whoever finds it in their slice must host a party with tamales in February.
Oil & Lithium Satire: The play uses the "black juice" (oil) and lithium as modern equivalents to the gold and spices sought by ancient empires, mocking current geopolitical interests in Latin America.
