The
Ultimate Hopeless Super Crush
A
Farce Comedy in One Act
By
Gavarre Ben
Introduction: The
Ultimate Hopeless Super Crush
Synopsis:
What happens when teenage
hormones collide head-on with the reality of a "too-attractive"
mother? In this one-act farce, Kevin is trying to survive a calculus exam while
his best friend, Ryan, gets lost in the eyes of Kevin’s mom, Laura. Between
oatmeal cookies, green juices, and the chaos caused by an eight-year-old
convinced that mothers simply cannot be women, the situation escalates to a
point of no return. When the doorbell rings and an unexpected
"reinforcement" arrives, Kevin discovers that his worst nightmare
isn't failing math—it's having his own family become the epicenter of a
generational mess.
This play is a farce.
Characters should be played with energy, sharp physical movements, and a
fast-paced tempo. The humor arises from the contrast between the life-and-death
seriousness of the teenagers' drama and the sheer absurdity of the predicament
they find themselves in.
This
work has been published for free and open dissemination, although all
intellectual property rights are reserved. Public use of this work requires
permission from the author and for permission contact bengavarre@gmail.com or
gavarreunam@gmail.com (Reg. Prop. Int. Expte. Inbox)
CHARACTERS
- LAURA (41):
Radiant and youthful. Wears a pastel yoga set that highlights her figure. Impeccable hair and a trail of expensive perfume.
- KEVIN (17):
The eldest son. Wears a vintage rock band tee, ripped jeans, and messy
hair. He looks sleep-deprived
and neurotic.
- TIMMY (8):
The youngest son. Wears dinosaur pajamas, a red superhero cape, and a luchador
(wrestler) mask. He carries a
plastic sword.
- RYAN (17):
The "heartthrob." Wears a tight polo shirt, way too much hair
gel, and a commercial-ready smile.
- JOSH (17):
The "relaxed" one. Wears baggy clothes, a backwards cap, and
always has a bag of chips in his hand.
- MARK (43):
Ryan’s dad. A mature, more attractive version of his son. Leather jacket, dark jeans, and boots. Oozes
confidence.
SETTING
& LIGHTING
The
stage is split into two zones:
1. STAGE
RIGHT (Kevin’s Room): A chaos of books,
laundry, and gaming posters. Warm,
slightly childish lighting.
2. STAGE
LEFT (Living Room-Kitchen): A cozy, modern space
with plants and fresh flowers. Radiant,
inviting lighting.
SCENE
1: TEENAGE CHAOS
(In
KEVIN’S room. JOSH is sprawled on the bed eating chips. KEVIN is at a desk
buried in books, pulling his hair. RYAN is standing at the edge of the room,
staring passionately toward the living room).
KEVIN:
(Slamming a book) Ryan! If you don't solve for "X" today, the teacher
is going to crush our skulls with his giant old textbooks tomorrow!
JOSH:
Forget it, Kevin. Ryan is in the middle of a "Hopeless Super Crush."
(LAURA
enters carrying a tray with oatmeal cookies and green juices. She’s in her yoga
outfit and looks like she’s in her late 20s).
LAURA:
Pardon me, boys. I brought something healthy so your brains don't rust.
RYAN:
(In a deep, husky voice) Ms. Laura... the glow in your eyes lights up our
entire day.
LAURA:
(Giggles nervously, twirls her hair and winds a lock around her ear) Oh, Ryan!
You say the sweetest things. You're such a gentleman... unlike some people who
don't even say hello.
KEVIN:
(Red with rage) Mom! Just leave the cookies and go! Ryan, sit down!
JOSH:
(Laughing) Careful, Ryan. Kati will rip your eyelashes off if she finds out
you're playing poet with your mother-in-law... I mean, Kevin’s mom.
RYAN:
(Eyes locked on Laura) Kati is the past. Ms. Laura is the... the Sunrise.
LAURA:
(Flirty) Enjoy the cookies, boys. (She exits, swaying her hips slightly).
RYAN:
(Sighing) Oh, Laura... (Awkward pause) Did you see the way she walked?
She doesn't walk, Kevin... she levitates through the air!
KEVIN:
Don’t talk about my mom like that!
JOSH:
Yeah, dude, you’re over the line... She’s ancient!
RYAN:
I think she likes me.
KEVIN
& JOSH: Shut up, man!
SCENE
2: THE KITCHEN – MINUTES LATER
(LAURA
is alone, humming a song. RYAN enters stealthily, pretending to look for a
glass of water).
RYAN:
Do you need help with that pitcher, Ms. Laura? I’m ready to help you... with
anything.
LAURA:
(Turning around, surprised and pleased) Ryan... you’re making me blush.
Shouldn’t you be studying Newton’s Laws?
RYAN:
The only law I recognize right now is the Law of Attraction...
(They
move dangerously close. Romance is in the air. Suddenly, TIMMY appears wearing
his mask and brandishing his plastic sword).
TIMMY:
HALT! IN THE NAME OF THE LAW!
LAURA:
(Jumping in fright) Timmy! What are you doing here?
TIMMY:
(Pointing his sword at Ryan) Why are you looking at my mom like she’s a
cheeseburger?
RYAN:
(Nervous) It’s just... she’s a very... very special woman, Timmy.
TIMMY:
(Dead serious) You’re wrong. My mom isn’t a woman, she’s my mom! Moms aren't
women!
LAURA:
(Indignant) Timmy! I am a woman in the prime of my life!
TIMMY:
(Yelling toward the bedroom) KEVINNNN! RYAN WANTS TO EAT MY MOM BECAUSE HE SAYS
SHE’S A WOMAN AND I TOLD HIM NO!
SCENE
3: THE FINAL CHAOS
(TIMMY
runs off crying. In the hallway, he crashes into KEVIN and JOSH who are rushing
down in a panic).
KEVIN:
(Catching Timmy) What happened? Why are you crying?
TIMMY:
(Sobbing) Ryan is saying weird things! He says my mom is pretty! Tell him my
mom IS MY MOM!
JOSH:
(Dying of laughter) Poor Bedipus, his mommy doesn't pay attention to him
anymore!
(They
reach the kitchen. Ryan is trying to hide behind the fridge. Laura is quickly
touching up her lipstick).
KEVIN:
(To Ryan) I’m going to kill you! Look what you did to my little brother!
LAURA:
That’s enough, everyone! (Authoritatively) Ryan, study. Kevin, stop shouting.
And Timmy... honey... (She kneels to his level) I am your mommy, and I’m also a
very beautiful woman.
TIMMY:
(Crying harder) Nooooo! You’re mine!
JOSH:
(Opening a pizza box that just arrived) Pizza’s here! Let's eat. Love doesn't
fill the stomach, but pepperoni does.
RYAN:
(Whispering to Laura as they move to the table) Do I get the stuffed crust?
LAURA:
(Winking) Only if you finish your homework, tiger.
KEVIN:
(To the ceiling) Someone just shoot me!
(Lights go dark)
SCENE
4: THE DOORBELL OF DISCORD
(Minutes
later. The kitchen is a mess. Kevin is chasing Ryan around the table, Josh is
finishing the pizza, and Timmy is dramatically sobbing while hugging a cereal
box. Suddenly, the doorbell rings. A loud, firm knock).
LAURA:
(Drying her hands on her apron) Enough! You’re acting like animals! I’ll get
it.
(Laura
opens the door. MARK enters. He is basically Ryan, but with 25 more years of
gym time, a perfectly trimmed beard, and a shirt that fits perfectly. He wears
a leather jacket and looks stern... until he sees Laura).
MARK:
Good evening. Sorry for the intrusion. I’m Mark, Ryan’s dad. My son wasn’t
answering his phone and I thought... I didn’t know Kevin had a sister. (He
slowly takes off his sunglasses).
LAURA:
(Breathless. She frantically twirls her hair and winds it around her ear) Oh...
uh... that’s a bit of a cliché, don’t you think? I’m Kevin’s mom... Laura.
MARK:
(Takes her hand and kisses it) Kevin... a pleasure. Ryan mentioned a
"Laura" here and there... I didn't listen to him, can you believe it?
RYAN:
(Coming out from behind the sofa) Dad?! What are you doing here? Go away!
MARK:
(Laughing) Son, you still have baby teeth... don’t be a nuisance.
KEVIN:
(Looking from one to the other) THIS IS A NIGHTMARE! Now your father is my
worst enemy!
JOSH:
(Sitting on the arm of a chair) I’m just saying, if your mom dates Mr. Mark,
you and Ryan would be brothers. That’s actually pretty cool.
KEVIN:
NEVER!
TIMMY:
(Appearing again, looking at Mark) Aha! Gargamel! With the power of my sword,
take this, villain!
MARK:
(Crouching to his level) Little guy, if I’m Gargamel... which Smurf are you?
TIMMY:
(Crying again) I’m not a Smurf! Mom! Tell him to leave! (He runs off stage).
LAURA:
(To Mark, ignoring her sons' drama) I didn't know you liked wine, Mark...
MARK:
(Offering his arm) Well, well... I like the initiative. I love wine, and I know
a great spot... Shall we?
LAURA:
Boys, there’s pizza in the fridge. Ryan, Josh, study. Kevin... watch your
brother. (Exits on Mark's arm, winking at the camera).
RYAN:
(Sinking into the chair) My own father betrayed me... this is unholy.
KEVIN:
(Locking the door with three locks) That’s it! Starting tomorrow, we are
studying at the Library! And there is a total ban on talking about women or
moms.
JOSH:
(Finishing his juice) Hey, Kevin... is it true your dad has a younger sister
who’s really hot?
KEVIN:
She’s gorgeous and she has a girlfriend who will break your face!
JOSH:
Figures... Given the circumstances, I think I’ll just become a lesbian.
RYAN:
I’m right behind you, Josh. We can experiment together, what do you think?
JOSH:
I have no idea what’s happening.
KEVIN:
Come here, I’ll explain. That’s what friends are for.
JOSH:
Timmy! Kevin’s mom! Mr. Mark! HELP!
TIMMY:
(Unsheathing his sword) I’m here! Don’t worry, I shall fight for Justice!
(Everyone
laughs at Timmy’s final heroic entrance).
(CURTAIN)
