What the
Axolotl Suspected
By Gavarre
Ben
This work
is protected by INDAUTOR
(Mexico)
gavarreunam@gmail.com
Genre: Satirical Farce / Dark Comedy
Synopsis:
High atop the city's most pretentious penthouse rooftop, Don Gordon is
broke and desperate to marry off his daughters to salvage the family fortune.
Meanwhile, his wife, Mama G, is busy spending whatever is left on the high life
and very specific "massages."
Amidst
expensive phallic sculptures, a fraudulent trust-fund "bro" spinning
fake German business deals, and a ruggedly authentic rancher from Texas, the
only one grasping the utter absurdity of the situation is Ralph: an axolotl
trapped in a designer aquarium.
A biting
satire on social climbing, the clash between old and new money, and
masculinities in crisis.
Characters:
- DON GORDON: Owner of a construction company.
Stressed because he depends on his wife's money; he wants to marry off his
daughters to siphon off some fortune.
- MAMA G: The owner of the capital, possessing a
"joyful" inner life. She goes to spas for "massages"
(with young male therapists) while her husband remains clueless.
- KAREN: An Influencer annoyed with life, but
deep down has a good heart.
- CAMILA (The "Intense
One"):
Biology major at the State University, vegan, and protector of the
axolotl, Ralph.
- SANTIAGO: A trust-fund "bro" with a
supposed German company. Interested in status and money, though his actual
interests lie elsewhere (specifically, his "cousin").
- DUKE: A Rancher from Texas. Wealthy, handsome,
and focused on business, although Camila attracts him.
Single
Scene: On the rooftop terrace of an exclusive Penthouse.
(Old but
"designer" furniture, city skyline view, and a phallic abstract
sculpture that Mama G considers high art. Don Gordon checks his iPad
frantically. Karen takes a selfie next to the sculpture with a doubtful face.
Camila is crouching in front of the axolotl tank).
DON GORDON: Don't take selfies with that
sculpture, or at least don't post them... I don't get it, but it looks a lot
like a... It’s like a giant... If you take it, don’t post it.
KAREN: But, Dad, they paid millions
for your sculpture. Next to it, I look intellectual, but sexy. The
"weird" vibe grabs attention, I swear.
CAMILA: (To her axolotl) Did
you see that, Ralph? Here, the important thing isn't that they have a
phallic sculpture, but that they paid millions for it and nobody understands
it. I wish I were a gentleman axolotl like you... I wish I were a fish with
little legs.
DON GORDON: Camila! Stop talking to that...
alien tadpole! One bad day you're going to turn into an axolotl and he'll turn
into you...
KAREN: (Heavy joke) And
nobody would notice: Glub, glub... Or what sound do
axolotls make?
CAMILA: Fortunately, they are mute,
dear sister.
DON GORDON: Enough fighting. Camila, today
Santiago and Duke are coming. Behave. And please, if they ask where you study,
say it's at the Elite Private College. Do not mention the State University.
Nobody cares about that.
MAMA G: (Shouting, from off-stage)
I'm here! I can tell you're talking about me.
DON GORDON: We're talking about axolotls
and the university for hippies.
CAMILA: You wish. You did a diploma at
the "University of Lazy Bums", you know... And for your
information... Ralph is an Ambystoma mexicanum. In Aztec times he was the God
Xolotl. If you cut off one of his legs, he regenerates it in two weeks.
KAREN: Ugh, so intense... How intense!
If you keep talking about the Aztecs, next you'll be defending street food...
How unpleasant. By the way, Dad, I hope Duke doesn't come wearing that cowboy
shirt again.
DON GORDON: Behave, daughter, we are going
to squeeze Duke dry...
KAREN: You don't even keep up
appearances anymore, Daddy... It's called extortion.
DON GORDON: I said... flatter... don't put
mistakes in my mouth. Did I say it or did I not say it, Camila?
CAMILA: What can I tell you, you're a
cynic... (Shouting) Mom! You married a shameless old man!
MAMA G: (From inside, mishearing)
A famous flan? There's only gluten-free brownies, be right there.
CAMILA: Another one beyond repair.
KAREN: What I don't understand is why
the hell those two are coming, Dad... You're not matchmaking again... are you?
DON GORDON: This Duke guy is like the
old-school ranchers... but young. He's tough and handsome, but he is a bit more
"rustic" than Santiago.
CAMILA: And Santi is your neighbor,
right Karen?
KAREN: (To Camila) Yours.
He was your impossible crush, remember...
DON GORDON: He doesn't have a dime to his
name, but he inherited a mansion, that counts.
(The
doorbell rings. Enter Santiago, wearing loafers without socks, and Duke,
wearing an elegant cowboy shirt, tight jeans, and a leather bolo tie).
SANTIAGO: Family, what a pleasure! Don
Gordon, always so distinguished. Karen, spectacular. I follow you daily on
Insta... I don't "like" posts so as not to overwhelm, but in my
heart, you are there.
KAREN: (Fake) Adorable,
Santi... I don't need more likes, believe me.
SANTIAGO: You always need more. On my enterprise
site Wagenteur, I have a million German and foreign
followers.
DUKE: (Charming, approaching Camila)
Well look at that critter! Ah, damn demon... It's a minnow with legs, ain't
it?... Or a trout or tilapia.
CAMILA: His name is Roger. He eats mosquito larvae... he is a wonderful
animal.
DON GORDON: Camila, nobody cares what your
catfish-with-legs eats!
SANTIAGO: (Leaning over the tank)
Are those worms coming out of his head?
CAMILA: Those are external gills.
KAREN: He has them hanging out...
imagine if men were like that.
MAMA G: (Arriving relaxed, wearing a
silk robe) Who has what hanging out?
DON GORDON: Nothing, dear... Look, this is
Duke, one of the studs from Texas.
MAMA G: My, my, what a fine figure you
have, young man!
DUKE: From the Texas Panhandle,
ma'am. I know how to rope mares, colts, and whatever else is needed.
SANTIAGO: Jesus of Beverly Hills...
that's very good, buddy. I am Santiago Limantour. I run the company Krankenweisz... specialized in cars.
MAMA G: Wow... Your company is called
"Sick White". (She speaks to him in perfect
German) "Und warum haben Sie ihm so einen
schrecklichen Namen gegeben?" (To everyone) I
asked him why he gave it such a horrendous name.
SANTIAGO: (Nervous) I see you
speak German! We will have endless conversations.
CAMILA: I also speak German,
Santiaguito. And French. I realized you change the name of your company every
time you mention it. So, my daddy invited you here to marry my sister...
KAREN: (Coughs and speaks)
Dog! How could you say that, Camila?
SANTIAGO: Marry? Not yet, in about five
decades maybe. Your daddy invited me because my family practically founded this
neighborhood... Isn't that right, Don Gordon?
DON GORDON: Uh, of course, son, you guys
are like family. And you do plan to sell your house, right? Now that you
inherited it...
KAREN: He doesn't plan to sell it,
Dad, it's the only thing he has... And stop talking about marriage.
DON GORDON: Ah, yes, sure, and you, Duke my
boy, I wanted to introduce you to my other daughter... She's a biologist, she
likes axolotls... and she studied... at one of the most qualified universities
in the country...
DUKE: Don Gordon, meeting your
daughter Christina has already been an achievement on this visit.
DON GORDON: Camila.
CAMILA: Yes?
DON GORDON: Thank the gentleman for his
beautiful words.
CAMILA: Thank you, sir... Mr. Duke...
And is it still customary to steal women away in your land?
DUKE: (Lighting up) We are
accustomed to stealing kisses! From beautiful women like you.
CAMILA: I'm blushing, cowboy.
DON GORDON: And they also usually get
married, right, boy?
CAMILA: Understand this, Daddy...
Nobody thinks about marriage these days, nobody, just you.
DUKE: That is true... The reason for
my visit was, is... to propose a milk and egg import business to Don Gordon.
CAMILA: (Smiles) Ah, well,
as long as you don't bring them from outside!
DON GORDON: I would be joyful... to do
business with you, young friend... And of course, you can stay as a guest here
for a few days and get to know our daughters... Just in case it occurs to you,
perhaps, to think... about marrying... one of them?
SANTIAGO: I can also give you lodging, my
friend...
DUKE: And that, my sudden friend, I
wouldn't know how to take that offer. We barely know each other.
SANTIAGO: Ah, well, I don't know, it's
just... I would like it if someday, if possible, I could go to Texas and you
could teach me how to ride...
(Awkward
pause)
CAMILA: (Grabs Duke by the arm)
Maybe I can show you a bit more of the city, if you don't know it yet. We
wouldn't have to get married, just kiss...
KAREN: (Takes his other arm and leads
him elsewhere) She would surely take you to the Botanical Garden at
the State University, friend... I'll take you to the most exclusive club...
MAMA G: It seems to me that Mr. Duke
has to do business with yours truly, since I am the one who signs the checks,
isn't that right, Don Gordon? I am the one who decides on the businesses, isn't
that so, husband?
DON GORDON: (To the audience, stunned)
Well, I'll be damned! Turns out we are nothing now that women are in charge.
SANTIAGO: (Taking out his phone)
Well I... would like to stay longer, but... If you don't mind... Can I take a
selfie?
KAREN: (Enthusiastic) With
me, Santi... With pleasure... But no weddings...
SANTIAGO: With you? Are you crazy? Ha,
ha... It's just... I promised a selfie to some friends, next to the enormous
sculpture in your house... The sculpture, alone, me, and the sculpture... may
I?
KAREN: It's all yours... And now...
How about we all go to the club! Come on, invite your... friends too... I need
to forget that my mother's money pulls harder than two oxen teams...
CAMILA: And well, even if you're here
for business, Duke? You can come with us to the club, or not.
DUKE: Whatever the Lady says.
MAMA G: Ah, well, say no more, the lady
says we are all going to the club. You too Gordon... you're coming.
DON GORDON: Me? No thanks. I'll stay here,
chatting with the Ostrogoth...
CAMILA: His name is Ralph, see you Daddy!
ALL: BYE, SIR!
(Don Gordon
is left alone with the axolotl).
DON GORDON: (Alone with the axolotl)
And you say nothing, Richard... What a name for a god.
So then... Xolotl. I will do the Dance of the Axolotl for you so
we have good luck. Let's see if I can regenerate something I'm missing!
(Electronic
ritual music begins. Don Gordon starts a funny ritual dance imitating the
movements of the axolotl. The lights fade).
CURTAIN.
