A SECURE POSITION
A Medical Farce,
Absurd and Uncontrolled
By GAVARRE BENJAMIN
© BENJAMÍN GAVARRE SILVA
benjamingavarre@filos.unam.mx
CHARACTERS
- DR. TAFOYA (50s): A rear-end physician. Sick of the system. His
sanity hangs by a thread.
- CASPER (40s): Timid. Possesses a thousand neuroses.
Hypochondriacal, excessively modest, deeply naive. Wearing
seven overcoats.
- MRS. GERTRUDE (60s): Intrusive, well-meaning, illogical, and
borderline insufferable at all times.
- VALENTINE (30s): Anxious, in the throes of severe withdrawal.
Opportunistic, cynical, yet strangely charming and likable... sometimes.
- MISS CHRISTINA: The receptionist who is never at her desk,
which is why every single patient just walks right into Dr. Tafoya’s
private office.
SETTING
A medical office of surrealist design. A desk
features a vintage, clunky computer in an impossible neon color, a cartoonishly
oversized prescription pad, and a vase filled with bright, colorful tulips. To
the left, a three-panel privacy screen stands—paradoxically discrete amidst all
the visual stimuli—partially hiding a clinical examination table. Doors lead to
the waiting room and a supposedly gender-neutral restroom featuring hilarious,
stylized male and female icons.
ONE-ACT PLAY
(The curtain rises. DR. TAFOYA, wearing an
impeccable, mostly realistic lab coat with a subtle farcical touch, is
attempting to diagnose CASPER, who remains with all seven overcoats buttoned
tightly to his chin and his arms crossed).
DR. TAFOYA
Mr. Casper, please understand that I am not a
psychic. If you claim you have prostate cancer, then I am legally and medically
required to perform a digital rectal exam. Take off your clothes.
CASPER
Doctor, my mother taught me that a man only
undresses before God and his bedroom mirror. You just tell me what’s wrong with
me and write the prescription; that’s all I’m asking of you.
DR. TAFOYA
(With a dangerously calm smile)
Oh, naturally. Of course. Forgive me. Let us
employ the method of proctological telepathy... How dare you! I am a
professional with solid ethical values. I cannot just hand out prescriptions
blindly. I need to check if there is an actual tumor, or if it's merely a
typical inflammation found in gentlemen of your age. Let us try a clinical
relaxation exercise. (Takes Casper by the shoulders, guiding him
behind the screen toward the examination table) Imagine we are on an
airplane. We are experiencing severe turbulence. To avoid impact, the airline
strictly requires you to adopt the secure position.
CASPER
A secure position?
DR. TAFOYA
Precisely. Unmovable, remarkably comfortable.
Place your hands flat on the table, bend your knees, and elevate your pelvis
toward the northeast. It is standard civil aviation procedure.
CASPER
(Doubtful, but climbing onto the table)
Well... if it’s truly that comfortable... (He gets on all fours, back to the audience, partially hidden by
the screen, but with his overcoats lifted, revealing ridiculous long woolen
underwear) Like this, Doctor?
DR. TAFOYA (Snapping on a latex glove with
a loud pop) Perfect. Maintain your heading and do not look back at
the cockpit. I shall fetch the lubricant.
CASPER
What did you say?! Lu-bri-cant?! No, for
mercy's sake, no!
(The Doctor turns to his desk to look for the gel.
At that exact moment, the door bursts open. MRS. GERTRUDE marches in, walking
with short, agonizingly rigid steps).
MRS. GERTRUDE
Doctor! It’s an emergency! My hemorrhoids
have declared war, and I demand an armistice in the form of suppositories!
DR. TAFOYA
(Startled, quickly hiding his gloved hand behind
his back)
Madam! I am in the middle of a highly
sensitive procedure! Back away!
MRS. GERTRUDE
(Ignoring him, walking straight toward the screen)
Sensitive? Oh, I know all about that. (She shamelessly peers over the edge of the screen)
Good heavens! What a hilarious-looking camel.
CASPER
(Frozen in panic, motionless)
Doctor! I feel a terribly shameless draft!
Shoo! Shoo! Don't look at me!
DR. TAFOYA
Mrs. Gertrude, respect the chaste rear-end of
this man!
MRS. GERTRUDE
(Analyzing Casper)
He looks like a multi-layered pastry. (To Casper) What is your name, young man?
CASPER
(Flustered, docile despite himself, completely
lost)
My name is Casper! Why?! Who are you?!
MRS. GERTRUDE
A humble Good Samaritan. You know, mister,
you really should practice better hygiene... That’s exactly how I got these
giant hemorrhoids, because I really don't like wiping all that much... And
that’s also why my prostate got inflamed, just like yours.
(The door opens again. VALENTINE enters in an
elegant tuxedo, dragging his feet, with an aristocratic paleness and
half-closed eyes).
VALENTINE
Doctor... I can no longer function without my
painkillers. I am in full-blown withdrawal. I’m losing my mind. For the love of
God, give me a prescription. I'll pay you for it. Look at me, I can't endure
this cruel existence. Certified opioid painkillers. Just give me a blank
prescription—well, with your signature—and I will never bother you again, I
swear it.
MRS. GERTRUDE
(To Valentine, pointing behind the screen)
Look here, young man, this is much better
than painkillers... this is the most entertaining thing to lift your spirits.
Come see this. The doctor has a camel on all fours... with its tail lifted
high!
VALENTINE
(Attracted by the magic word: painkiller... walks
over as if hypnotized behind the screen, standing next to Mrs. Gertrude)
You take them too?! Will you share? (Really impressed by what he sees) Wow... this is
certainly intriguing. (To Casper, obsessively) Excuse me,
sir, do they prescribe you opioid painkillers too? Can I have your prescription
slips?
CASPER
(Screaming, burying his face in his hands) Doctor! I am not a circus freak! Come over here
and do whatever it is you have to do, but get these two out of here!
(DR. TAFOYA has been simmering like a pressure
cooker, unable to believe his eyes. He stares at the three lunatics from a
distance. The latex glove is still on. Suddenly, he stops. His eyes widen. A
low, nervous laughter begins to escape his chest. He starts laughing with
ice-cold sarcasm, clapping his gloved hands softly).
DR. TAFOYA
Oh, of course! Life is testing me. This is a
rite of passage; I can see it clearly now. How marvelous! What a
phenomenological Altar I have the fortune of contemplating! (He rips off the glove in a fury and hurls it into the flower
vase) Tell you what, Mr. Casper, stay just like that, don't move a
muscle! After all, if you want to be diagnosed fully dressed, perfect!
Personally, I have absolutely no interest in viewing the... piece of swollen
meat you hide beneath those maniacal layers of fabric. Stay on all fours like a
camel; it gives the office a delightfully exotic ambiance.
MRS. GERTRUDE
Doctor, your poor animal is a lost cause...
He has a terminal case of multi-layered pastry cancer, I can certify it because
I had the exact same thing... Better attend to me, because my prostate has
grown back again.
DR. TAFOYA (Now in a state of sheer,
contained madness... turning to her with an incredibly exaggerated bow)
But of course, Mrs. Gertrude! How could I forget! The anatomy of the prostate
is a flawless, stylized, natural thing... in a lady! And it always
regenerates... especially in hermaphrodites! That’s it! You possess two
genders... You are half donkey and half sheep! A true miracle of biology and
zoology. That is why you have a prostate, bushy eyebrows, three kidneys, rogue
hairs, an invisible beard, and a calling to be a "humble Good
Samaritan," as you so eloquently put it. What beauty, what a marvel of
human... nature... Congratulations!
MRS. GERTRUDE
(Stupefied)
All of that... A hermaphrodite? So I am a
miracle?! Well, that’s great news!
DR. TAFOYA
(Ignoring her, lunging toward Valentine)
And you, my dear Valentine! What exquisite,
imported elegance to come here begging for prescriptions to get high with the
official seal of the State. Why settle for diluted opium? Why not go straight
for fentanyl? Or better yet, some certified holy herb! Brew yourself a tea and
leave me in peace. (Grabbing his prescription pad, completely
unhinged) Actually, no... You know what? Let’s all get high. Let’s
hand out prescriptions so the whole world can enjoy themselves and have
religious experiences... and we’ll dress in seamless robes and hallucinate
together with anyone who follows us!
VALENTINE
(Interested)
That sounds like a highly acceptable
therapeutic proposal, Doctor. Are there any seamless robes available?
DR. TAFOYA
(Screaming deliriously, but cutting himself off)
No! Yes! But only priests can wear them! No!
Yes! You know what?!... I’ll just give you the whole pad! (Slams the prescription pad against VALENTINE’S chest)
Take it. It’s yours. Okay? Deal? Farewell, adieu, I am vanishing into thin air!
I am utterly sick of working with lost-cause patients, I am utterly sick of you
all! Sick of inspecting dirty rear-ends that have never received the light of
the sun!
CASPER
(Peeking out, terrified)
Are you leaving, Doctor? How do I get down
from this airplane?
DR. TAFOYA
You stay right there until I land in Tibet,
Mr. Casper! I’ve made up my mind. I am detaching myself from this society: I am
going to Tibet to become a Buddhist! It is decided! I’ll shave my head, put on
a seamed saffron robe, and head to the Himalayas where absolutely nobody, absolutely nobody, possesses an anus, a rectum, a
prostate, or a hypocritical addiction! Goodbye to the flesh! Goodbye to smelly
rear-ends! Let’s all go to Tibet!
(Dr. Tafoya rips off his lab coat in one violent
motion, flings it right onto Mrs. Gertrude’s face, grabs his briefcase, and
runs out the waiting room door, screaming disjointed Buddhist mantras: "Om
Om Ommmm, mani padme hum, damn it!").
(A long silence. CASPER remains on all fours on the
examination table. MRS. GERTRUDE pulls the lab coat off her head. VALENTINE
stares at the prescription pad).
MRS. GERTRUDE
Well... he certainly sounded very confident
about Tibet. The climate up there must be wonderful for circulation. I believe
it’s always snowing and they have cows.
VALENTINE
(Tearing a page from the pad)
Definitely. Lots of snowy mountains... though
I think it’s mostly goats... Prescriptions, so many virgin, wonderful
prescriptions. (Hands the page to Mrs. Gertrude)
Here you go, madam. Signed by the new Dalai Lama himself. This should solve all
your major true or false problems.
MRS. GERTRUDE
(Taking the prescription with devotion)
Oh, thank you, sweet boy. What a blessing it
is to be around educated youth. (Turns toward the screen,
pleasantly) Come along, Mr. Casper, step down from the aircraft,
that’s enough. Or are you starting to like it, you pervert, you degenerate?...
Just kidding, it’s a joke... You know I’m a Good Samaritan, the Dalai Lama said
so himself... Come on, donuts are on me! There’s a place with delicious
chocolate-glazed ones, and we can find some belladonna ointments and
multi-layered pastries with pure maple syrup. They go straight to your hips,
but they make you see life through different eyes—through the eyes of miracles.
CASPER
(Climbing down from the table with difficulty,
adjusting his clothes) Well... yeah, that
actually sounds great. I don't even feel any discomfort anymore. I think what I
really need is a rich, delicious chocolate-glazed donut; that is an
unquestionable truth.
VALENTINE
My thoughts exactly. Definitely.
Unquestionable.
(Valentine sits at the doctor's desk, kicks his
feet up on the table with total abandonment, and happily begins signing blank
prescriptions with a blissful smile, while Mrs. Gertrude exits the office
arm-in-arm with Casper, who walks like a tired, bow-legged cowboy, overflowing
with timidity).
CURTAIN
