(A Southern Gothic Farce in a Prologue and Six Scenes)
By Gavarre Ben
This work is protected by INDAUTOR
(Mexico)
gavarreunam@gmail.com
CHARACTERS:
BLANCHE (MURIEL): An ageless Southern Belle with a lethal edge. The Coven Mother.
STELLA (MARGOT): Sleek, predatory, sophisticated. Blanche’s partner in crime.
REMY (RAMÓN): Handsome, muscular, cynical. A "French Quarter hustler" vibe.
JEAN-LUC (MANOLO): Remy's partner. Sculptural, silent, imposing presence.
KEVIN (TOCINO): The clueless "Hero." A tourist in a cheap Party City devil costume with an obnoxiously large plastic pitchfork.
THE CODE ENFORCEMENT OFFICER (INSPECTOR): Rigid bureaucrat with a secret nightlife on Bourbon Street.
SCENE 0: THE RECRUITMENT (Three Queens and a Hustler)
(Day. A humid street in the French Quarter, New Orleans. Cast-iron balconies and hanging ferns. BLANCHE stands on the sidewalk in front of an old Creole townhouse. She wears an impeccable black dress and pearls, holding a dry garden hose over a dusty courtyard fountain. She guards the street like a hawk. Enter REMY, muscular, tight t-shirt, big headphones. leans against a gas lamp post across the street.)
BLANCHE: (Voice dripping with sweet venom) You can't stand there, cher! (Remy doesn't hear). Hey! You! (She shakes the dry hose violently. Remy pulls off headphones).
REMY: Something wrong, ma’am?
BLANCHE: It is forbidden. Loitering is a sin on my street.
REMY: (Talking into his phone while typing) Yeah, I'm downstairs... hurry up, man.
BLANCHE: (Walks up, drops the hose, pulls an earbud out) Have you no shame?
REMY: (Annoyed) Are you crazy, lady? I'm calling NOPD.
BLANCHE: I’ll call them first. You are soliciting in a historic family neighborhood. This isn't Bourbon Street, honey.
REMY: Lady, I don’t even know you.
BLANCHE: No? That tight shirt, those muscles, that "Instagram model" pout... You think I don't see it. You're trying to seduce me.
REMY: Right... No, grandma. I have a date right here... Look. (Shows phone screen). His name is Jean-Luc. He lives in that building.
BLANCHE: Oh. So you’re that kind of sinner. Get off my street, you degenerate!
(A luxury Uber Black pulls up. STELLA gets out, aggressively sophisticated. Slams door).
STELLA: Why Blanche, what a delightful young man. Why haven't you invited him in for sweet tea?
BLANCHE: Look at him, Stella... he's built like a linebacker. And there's another one upstairs.
STELLA: (Scanning Remy) Another one?
(The door across the street opens. JEAN-LUC walks out. Sculptural, tank top. Remy smiles).
REMY: Jean-Luc! Finally. Let's bounce, your neighbor is a total Karen.
JEAN-LUC: (Arriving) What’s up? I heard shouting from the balcony.
BLANCHE: (To Stella, loud whisper) Told you! We could attract a whole new clientele with this beefcake.
STELLA: (To Jean-Luc, smooth as molasses) Nothing’s wrong, handsome...
JEAN-LUC: (To Remy) We were just leaving.
BLANCHE: (Blocking them) Not so fast. (To Remy) We have an offer you can't refuse.
STELLA: Nothing shady. You can make good money... We're short on men with... presence. Like you two.
BLANCHE: Paid in cash. Very well.
STELLA: (To Remy) You and your friend Jean-Luc are going to premiere a new wardrobe tonight.
REMY: (Intrigued) Wardrobe? Like designer stuff?
BLANCHE: (Sinister smile) Exclusive models. Very tight fitting. You'll love the way they feel... Come inside, we'll give you an advance... and a courtesy Sazerac.
(Blanche opens the heavy oak door. Remy and Jean-Luc shrug and enter, followed by the women. A discordant jazz trumpet note blasts. The hose on the ground finally trickles dark water).
SCENE 1: THE HALLOWEEN RITUAL
(Halloween Night. Purple and orange lighting. A baritone sax plays a slow groove. REMY and JEAN-LUC are on the sidewalk, dressing not as bullfighters, but in super-sharp, stylized 1940s Zoot Suits—very Jazz era. JEAN-LUC is shirtless, pulling up high-waisted trousers.)
BLANCHE: (Admiring Jean-Luc) You looked good on the app, honey, but au naturel... (Touches his shoulder). My best acquisition.
JEAN-LUC: (Buckling belt) These pants are tight, Blanche. The payoff better be worth the squeeze.
REMY: (Adjusting his fedora hat) I told you, man, you gotta have that swing. Like Monk on the keys.
STELLA: (From doorway with a drink) The audience is arriving. Remember: if they don't resist, there's no feast.
SCENE 2: THE SPECIMEN
(Enter KEVIN. A tourist. Walking awkwardly with a cheap plastic devil costume and a ridiculous 9-foot plastic pitchfork that hits the trees).
KEVIN: Hey! Move it! It’s a public sidewalk, dudes.
REMY: Look at this specimen, Jean-Luc. A devil with a cathedral fork.
JEAN-LUC: You don't have the soul to cross this street, kid. The Quarter is for pros, not Party City discounts.
KEVIN: (Waving pitchfork) I'm not scared of your goofy suits! Let me pass or I'm calling the cops!
REMY: Oh yeah, he’s gonna call the fashion police!
JEAN-LUC: Please, no, anything but that...
SCENE 3: DEFENDING THE DAME
(BLANCHE leaves the hose, approaches KEVIN. Touches the plastic fork tip).
BLANCHE: What an... imposing weapon. You're a warrior, aren't you? A knight from Ohio or something.
KEVIN: I... well, it's not right to block the sidewalk, ma’am.
BLANCHE: Help me, brave one. These two savages threatened me... They said they want to stick me with their... jazz instruments.
JEAN-LUC: In your dreams, crazy lady, your fountain hasn’t squirted in fifty years!
BLANCHE: Look how they mock a lonely woman! Just because I water my garden with a sigh!
REMY: (Provoking) A sigh? You old witch! Your plumbing is backed up! Go watch Netflix!
KEVIN: (Heroic swelling) That’s it! You respect a lady of her class! Move it or I'm gonna shove this fork up your brass section!
REMY: Get ready Jean-Luc... I think the frat boy wants to dance!
(Remy and Jean-Luc laugh and start "jazz dancing" around Kevin, using snap-steps and spins to confuse him, dodging his clumsy pitchfork thrusts).
SCENE 4: STELLA’S ACCIDENT
(STELLA runs in, holding a broken heel, dress ripped).
STELLA: Help! They're chasing me! Drunk zombies on bicycles from Canal Street! Help!
BLANCHE: (Yelling) It’s your chance, little Devil! Save her! Get her inside before they eat her brains!
(Kevin runs toward Stella, his pitchfork gets tangled in his legs, he trips and body-slams STELLA’s ass. Both collapse).
STELLA: (Hissing) My designer dress, you moron! (Out loud) I mean... My hero! So big, so strong, like your big... fork! Pick me up, take me inside, stick your fork in... help me with your big giant weapon... I think I'm fainting!
KEVIN: (Flustered) Sorry! Too many women, too many things! I got it, I got you... I'll protect you!
BLANCHE: In, in, boys... straight to the back, past the courtyard... I mean... to the powder room!
(Kevin lifts Stella with difficulty, dragging the clunky pitchfork. Blanche pushes them in and bolts the heavy door).
SCENE 5: THE SCREAM
JEAN-LUC: Way to blow our cover, Blanche: "past the courtyard"...
REMY: She almost said "the dungeon," what an idiot, haha...
JEAN-LUC: (Raises hand) Silence, here it comes... Ready?
JEAN-LUC & REMY: Five, four, three... two... one!
(A deafening SCREAM and a wet gurgle from inside. Door opens. STELLA and BLANCHE exit. Blanche holds Kevin’s plastic HORNS, dripping dark liquid).
BLANCHE: Such a noisy boy.
STELLA: He left a bruise on my hip.
BLANCHE: His giant fork will look lovely by the fireplace.
STELLA: Gone are the days of quality tourists in the Quarter, you notice?
BLANCHE: Yeah, those days are gone... now the boys just eat Lucky Dogs on Bourbon Street.
STELLA: And those cop lights, why so loud?
BLANCHE: The colors blind me...
STELLA: They're coming here, cher.
ESCENE 6: THE BURLESQUE INSPECTION
(Blue and red flashing lights illuminate the street. Enter THE CODE ENFORCEMENT OFFICER with a clipboard and huge "CONDEMNED" sticker).
OFFICER: (Authoritative) Report of unsanitary sewage backup and illegal plumbing at 927 Royal Street. This house is under immediate warning of condemnation. Health hazard.
BLANCHE: Officer... working so late? Come in, we're having a private soirée.
OFFICER: No soirées, ma'am. Tomorrow morning we bring the jackhammers to tear up your courtyard and check the pipes.
(Remy and Jean-Luc step forward. The Officer stops dead when he sees Jean-Luc shirtless in his Zoot suit pants).
REMY: Wait a minute! That mustache... that rigid stare...
JEAN-LUC: (Speaking for the first time to the Officer) "The Allways Lounge." Two months ago. Main stage.
REMY: Of course! You were the King of Burlesque, Officer! Dancing shirtless, leather pants, tassels on your nipples under the lights! I didn't know City Hall hired go-go stars!
OFFICER: (Pales) You guys... were in the back booth.
JEAN-LUC: (Approaching) You looked... very different without the reflective vest. It would be a shame if the Zoning Department found out about your true "inspections." We could pay a very sexy visit to your office... and talk about you.
REMY: (Mocking) What would the union say about their star officer dancing half-naked in a queer bar?
OFFICER: (Clears throat, hides the sticker quickly) Well... reviewing my notes... the sewage seems to be in... acceptable condition. Maybe the sensor reading was a mistake due to humidity. No need to condemn anything right now.
BLANCHE: (Confused) So, no stickers?
OFFICER: (Staring at Jean-Luc) Let's say... we can reach a maintenance agreement.
REMY: (Taking his arm) Jean-Luc has great techniques, you'll love them. I could join the session too, if you like...
OFFICER: (Accepting) Su-sure... I... I could use some relaxation.
(The Officer loosens his tie and enters the house escorted by Remy and Jean-Luc. Stella and Blanche look at each other).
BLANCHE: This officer turned out to be quite flexible.
STELLA: Very, Blanche. I think we deserve a nice glass of blood-red wine.
BLANCHE: Yes, with some of that steak tartare I saved in the fridge... finger-licking good.
STELLA: Literally, cher, literally.
(From inside, loud festive Jazz plays. The police lights keep spinning until blackout).
CURTAIN.
