PUDDLES (The Nice Duck & Friends)
or
THE DUCK WHO DIDN'T KNOW WHO HE WAS (OR DID HE?)
© BENJAMÍN GAVARRE SILVA
If you would like me to stage
this text, please contact the author: gavarreunam@gmail.com
CHARACTERS:
·
PUDDLES (The Nice Duck): A charismatic duck, a bit neurotic about his
identity.
·
THE SNOBBY DUCK (Antagonist): Thinks he owns the lagoon.
Speaks like an entitled rich kid, using corporate or bureaucratic slang
nonsense.
·
THE ADVENTURER DUCK: Action hero type, wears a leather jacket and an eyepatch. Loyal
helper but very exaggerated.
·
THE WISE DUCK (Female): An older female duck who appears out of nowhere
interrupting scenes. She has constant linguistic confusion (comical
sound-alike words).
SCENE 1: THE ONION OF REALITY
(The stage
is empty. Just one chair. PUDDLES enters. Looks at the audience, smiles, takes
a deep breath.)
PUDDLES
Hi! I'm
Puddles. I'm a nice duck. Look at my beak (touches it), look at my feathers...
(shakes himself). I am real. I am here.
(Changes
tone, gets serious)
Well, no.
That’s a lie. I'm not a duck. Actually, I am Mr. [Actor's Real Name]. A
respectable actor who pays taxes and has knee pain.
(Changes
tone again, looks at the ceiling)
But wait...
[Actor's Real Name] isn't real either. He is a character invented by a
mysterious playwright named...
(Looks at
the audience in panic)
And the
worst part... Behind that actor guy, and the duck, there is a real flesh and
bone person called... (The actor says their real actual name here)... Tatati
tatata
(Grabs his
head)
I'm like an
onion! Duck, Actor, Tatati Tatata... Too many layers! I'm gonna faint!
(THE WISE
DUCK enters crossing the stage. She carries a shopping bag and walks
distractedly looking at the audience.)
WISE DUCK
Excuse me,
young people... I'm looking for the box office. Have you bought your lockers?
Your knockers? Your socks?
(She
pauses, tongue-tied)
I mean...
your tickets? I need to get in to see the prey... the clay... the play!
PUDDLES
Ma'am, the
play already started. You are inside.
WISE DUCK
Oh! How
efficient. Then I'll go to my heat... my feet... my seat. Excuse me.
(She exits
the opposite side mumbling)
Darn
rheumatism... magnetism... hypnotism...
PUDDLES
(Puzzled)
What a
strange lady. Anyway, as I was saying... my GOAL in life is to fly away to the
South Seas. Because it's cold here and my feet are freezing.
SCENE 2: THE MAGIC SPACE GAME
PUDDLES
But, where
am I? This is a theatre. Which means, an empty space.
(Points to
the floor)
Wooden
floor. Boring. But the theatre has a trick: The Magic Word. If I say... "I
AM IN THE JUNGLE!", you have to believe me.
(Closes
eyes)
Jungle!
(Monkey
sounds and roars made by himself).
See? Giant
trees, vines... Ouch, a mosquito! (Slaps his own arm).
But ducks
don't live in the jungle. Better... THE NORTH POLE!
(Hugs
himself shivering)
Brrr...
it's cold... Look, a polar bear eating a lemon popsicle.
(Shakes
head)
No, too
cold. Better... A LOVELY GARDEN!
(Relaxes.
Points to nothingness)
There is a
fountain. (Splashes imaginary water on his face). And there a little tree. As
long as you imagine the fountain, the fountain exists!
(Sighs
happily)
We have
Space. Now we need Atmosphere.
(Shouts
towards the technical booth or ceiling)
Master of
lights! Give me romantic sunset lighting!
(The light
changes, or he pretends it changes).
Adventure
music!
(He hums
epic music himself: Dun-dun-duuuun!).
SCENE 3: THE GOSSIP APPEARS (THE OPPONENT)
PUDDLES
Right, I
have character, space, and atmosphere. Now I need SOMETHING TO HAPPEN. The
gossip. The plot.
I want to
go South, but for this to be fun, I need obstacles. You know, thunderstorms,
bald eagles... Or even worse: an enemy.
(THE SNOBBY
DUCK enters. Walks with nose in the air carrying a briefcase).
SNOBBY DUCK
Like,
hello? Get off my runway, Puddles. You're totally blocking my vibe and throwing
off the lagoon's feng shui.
PUDDLES
(To
audience)
See? He is
the Snobby Duck. If this were Little Red Riding Hood, he'd be the Wolf.
SNOBBY DUCK
Who are you
talking to? You are so out. Look, you are not going to the South Seas. I played
politics with the Goose Union and we canceled your flight visa. Nature is
obsolete, darling. Do you have Form Z-400-Quack stamped by the Phantom Service
Window?
(THE WISE
DUCK enters interrupting, holding crumpled papers).
WISE DUCK
Hey guys,
is this the line for the test?... the vest?... the pest?
(Looks at
the Snobby Duck)
Sir, are
you in charge of digestion... I mean congestion? No, management! I brought my
berth certificate... I mean birth certificate.
SNOBBY DUCK
Ma'am, move
it! I am in the middle of an extortion... I mean, a legal inspection. Go to
window number 4!
WISE DUCK
Oh my, what
an attitude. You need some camomile tea... or a hammer and a key... or a new
knee.
(To the
audience)
Nobody
serves you well in this government. I'm going to the complaint department...
the restraint department... the old window!
(She
exits).
PUDDLES
See? Even
the lady gets confused with your bureaucracy! Let's see, Snobby, do you know
how to fill out line 45 section B of the form?
SNOBBY DUCK
(Nervous)
Umm...
obviously. Section B is to... declare if you are a duck or a potential swan.
PUDDLES
Haha!
Gotcha! Section B is for your feather type. Even you don't know how to fill it
out! You are pure empty bureaucracy.
SNOBBY DUCK
Silence! I
have the power and the briefcase. I'm going to my yacht club. Bye.
(Exits
pushing Puddles).
SCENE 4: THE ADVENTURER (WHO SEEMS BAD BUT HELPS)
PUDDLES
(Comically
crying)
Boo hoo!
I'm gonna freeze! This is no longer an adventure, it's a Greek tragedy.
(Throws
himself on the floor)
Oh, cruel
fate!
(THE
ADVENTURER DUCK enters. Dark glasses, leather jacket, eye patch. Tough
attitude).
ADVENTURER
DUCK
What's up,
dude? Who’s making all that noise? You're scaring the fish.
PUDDLES
(Scared)
Yikes! The
Adventurer Duck! Surely you came to turn me into soup!
ADVENTURER
DUCK
Chill out,
bro. I have a bad reputation, but I'm a cool guy. I just arrived from Pirate
Duck Island.
PUDDLES
Really?
ADVENTURER
DUCK
Totally!
You don't know what I went through. I was surrounded by three hundred one-eyed
hawks. I only had a toothpick and chewing gum. Bam! Bam! I did an aerial judo
move on them, spun three times in the air, rescued the princess duck, and
landed without messing up my hair.
PUDDLES
Wow! (To
the audience) Look! He is my HELPER. He's the one who's gonna give me a hand.
(To the
Adventurer Duck)
Hey, Snobby
won't let me fly. He asks for impossible papers.
ADVENTURER
DUCK
That guy is
awful. But I'll help you. I know a shortcut through the Cactus Desert.
SCENE 5: CRAZY TIME (FUTURE AND PAST)
PUDDLES
The desert?
But... I'm scared.
(THE WISE
DUCK enters wearing sunglasses and fanning herself with a leaf).
WISE DUCK
Phew! It's
hot in this desert... this dessert... this disconcert.
(Looks at
the ducks)
I'm looking
for some water. Do you know where there is a hose?... a rose?... a nose?
Ah, no! A
palm tree! For the shade... the glade... the lemonade...
PUDDLES
Ma'am, we
haven't reached the desert yet. We are in the theatre imagining it.
WISE DUCK
Oh yeah? No
wonder there are no scorpions... Onions... minions. Well, I keep looking for my
route... my boot... my loot!
(Exits
walking fast).
PUDDLES
That lady
appears everywhere. Well... (Gets mystical) My mind travels to the future... A
vision!
(Dramatic
red light)
I see
myself... defeating the Snobby Duck... I am the King of the Lagoon!
SNOBBY DUCK
(Appears
suddenly)
Hahahaha!
Wake up, doll face! That is pure fantasy. I still have you grabbed by the neck.
Keep dreaming!
(Disappears
laughing).
PUDDLES
Oh, how
horrible! Better go to the past... a MEMORY.
(Baby
voice)
I remember
when I was an egg... I tried to break the shell and BOOM! A squirrel confused
me with a nut. What a difficult life!
ADVENTURER
DUCK
Hey, tone
down the drama, dude. Stop suffering the future and crying over the past. Get
your act together in the HERE AND NOW!
PUDDLES
You're
right. Let's face the Snobby Duck!
SCENE 6: BATTLE OF GENRES
(THE SNOBBY
DUCK appears blocking the path).
SNOBBY DUCK
Stop right
there. Nobody passes. This is a VIP zone.
PUDDLES
Let me
pass! (To audience) How do we solve this? In what style?
ADVENTURER
DUCK
Let's do it
SOAP OPERA style!
(Puts hand
on forehead, exaggerated)
Oh, Snobby!
Why are you so cruel? Your heart is made of pumice stone!
SNOBBY DUCK
You
wretched fowl! You will never defeat my bureaucracy!
PUDDLES
No, seems a
bit weak. Better like an ACTION MOVIE!
(Does
slow-motion karate moves)
Ya ka taka…
Hi-ya hi-ya Hua-cha! Take my flying kick of justice! How do you like that,
POPS?
SNOBBY DUCK
(Dodges
slowly)
Your
techniques are straight out of Duckburg, Puddles!
PUDDLES
What I do
best: COMEDY! Let's see, Snobby... How do you intend to fly with that belly?
You need two runways! When you step on the scale you need a crane!
SNOBBY DUCK
Hey! Well,
your legs look like two drinking straws.
PUDDLES
They are
duck legs, dummy...
SNOBBY DUCK
Get away,
you bum! You are dirtying my Duck Armani suit!
PUDDLES
When your
mom gave birth to you, she didn't lay an egg, she laid a Kinder Surprise...
Surprise! It's empty!
SNOBBY DUCK
(Defeated,
crying)
I'm telling
my mommy! Arrrgggr… Arrrgggr…
(Runs
away).
SCENE 7: THE OPEN ENDING (AND THE BONKERS ENDING)
PUDDLES
We did it!
The path is free. Now, I'm ready to fly South.
But...
wait. The theatre is magic because the AUDIENCE rules.
(THE WISE
DUCK runs in, very agitated).
WISE DUCK
Stop! Wait!
Don't close the curtain... the certain... the burton!
PUDDLES
Ma'am! We
are already at the end. What are you looking for now?
WISE DUCK
I lost the
thread... the bread... the head. No! I lost the ending.
How did the
whole thing end? The story... the glory... the lorry?
Did the
good guys win or the bad guys?
PUDDLES
We are
voting. Let's see, audience. I give you options:
A) I go to
the South Seas.
B) We all
go to Italy to eat pizza.
(The kids
shout. Let's assume Italy/Pizza wins).
PUDDLES
(Disappointed)
Pizza?
Really? Hmm... I feel like the audience isn't being creative today.
(Looks at
the Adventurer)
I'm vetoing
their ending. I'm going to tell you what really happened. The
"Director's Cut".
(Light
change. Exaggerated romantic music).
PUDDLES
Actually...
the Adventurer Duck and I looked into each other's eyes and realized we didn't
want to travel... we wanted to love each other.
(The
Adventurer approaches and holds his "wing" romantically).
ADVENTURER
DUCK: You are the wind beneath my wings, bro.
PUDDLES
And the
Snobby Duck... he had the most radical transformation.
(THE SNOBBY
DUCK enters. Wears a headband, hippie clothes and smells a flower).
SNOBBY DUCK
Peace and
love, brothers. I gave up my material possessions. I joined the sect of the
"Ducks of Eternal Return" and now I'm going to explore outer space.
(Points to
the sky)
Here comes
my ride! It's a comet piloted by a billionaire duck who wants to colonize Mars.
Let's go, Elon Duck!
WISE DUCK
Safe trip!
Say hi to the Martians and bring me a fridge magnet!
(Puddles
incites the audience to boo: "Boooo! Gross!").
PUDDLES
(Reacts to
the boos, breaking the magic)
Oh, okay!
Such temper! It was a joke! It was an "experimental phase"!
(To the
audience)
You're
right, that ending was awful! Forget the romance and the comet.
SNOBBY DUCK
(Takes off
the hippie headband and recovers his posh posture)
Like, yeah,
how embarrassing. I would never get on a rocket without business class.
PUDDLES
Back to the
original plan. You win! We're going to Italy!
(Cheerful
Italian tarantella music).
WISE DUCK
Italy?
Perfect! I always wanted to see the Leaning Tower of Pizza... I mean Pisa.
Do they
sell pepperoni pizza? Pony pizza? Baloney pizza?
PUDDLES
Pizza with
whatever you want! Arrivederci, friends! Remember: it doesn't matter if you are
a duck, an actor, or an onion... the important thing is to have fun.
ALL
(In unison)
QUACK! ¡Cui Cui! ¡Cui Cui! ¡Cui Cui!
(CURTAIN -
OR FINAL BLACKOUT)
