THE
HOUSE OF THE LOUSIES
A
REALITY SHOW FULL OF DECEIT AND "INCLUSIVE" LANGUAGE
A DEVILISH FARCE
® Benjamín Gavarre Silva
Contact:
gavarreunam@gmail.com
or
benjamingavarre@filos.unam.mx
Part
I: Analysis and Interpretation (English Version)
This
short play is a piece of contemporary satire. It does not merely mock
television formats; it captures the "identity crisis" of modern
culture, where the sacred, the profane, and the politically correct collide on
the same stage.
1.
The Deconstruction of Duality (Good vs. Evil)
The
play’s strongest point is how it subverts the ancient struggle between Heaven
and Hell.
- The Hoof and Gabe:
Instead of an apocalyptic war, their relationship is one of romantic and
comedic tension. The villain "melts" before cheesy goodness, and
the angel is willing to tolerate evil as long as it is "inclusive and
gluten-free."
- Interpretation: The
play suggests that in the 21st century, the labels of "good" and
"evil" have become so blurred they end up as business partners
or love interests in a media spectacle.
2.
Satire of "Inclusive" Language and Identity
The
character of They-zel and The Hoof’s constant confusion over his own pronouns
function as a sharp critique of current linguistic shifts.
- The Identity Crisis:
The fact that the devil doesn't know whether to wear "pinky or
blue-y" underwear symbolizes how traditional structures (even those
of evil) feel lost in the face of new social norms.
- The Absurd: The play
uses language not just as a tool for inclusion, but as a comedic obstacle
that generates more confusion than clarity.
3.
The Mirror of Superficiality (Reality TV)
The
contestants represent different facets of modern society in the face of fame:
- Bombshell: The
obsession with followers, Instagram aesthetics, and external validation.
- Jock-O: Physical
exhibitionism and hyper-sexualization as the only way to stand out.
- T-Bone: The confused
average citizen, intolerant due to a lack of understanding and nostalgic
for simple things (like a football game).
4.
Capitalism and the "Bittersweet" Finale
The
ending is a gem of cynicism. After all the drama and the "search for the
greater good," everything ends in a Product Placement.
- The "Rocal-Rock
Pools" and "Manatee Industries" are the true winners. The
contestants accept a mediocre prize (flip-flops and towels) in exchange
for their dignity.
- Interpretation: The
play proposes that it doesn't matter if you are an angel, a demon, or an
activist; at the end of the day, we are all part of a consumer machine
that monetizes our emotions and conflicts.
CHARACTERS:
- THE HOOF:
A "multi-thousand-year-old" villain who hates inclusive language
but is having an identity crisis: sometimes he feels like a succubus,
sometimes an incubus, and secretly, he feels his "brimstone is
melting" for Gabe.
- THEY-ZEL:
Gender-fluid, activist for everything; they get confused with their own
pronouns ("they, thim, thum") and end up dizzy from so much
inclusion.
- T-BONE:
He’s a bit... "limited-ish."
- BOMBSHELL:
Wants to be a celebrity and post fashion content.
- JOCK-O:
Wants to be the sexy guy... and thinks there’s always a camera watching
him.
- GABE:
The incarnation of an Archangel; he sometimes acts in a
"malignant" way for the greater good, or so he says. He tries to
be inclusive to "connect with people who don't live as many centuries
as he does." Most of the time he’s cheesy... he wants peace and
love... and is capable of falling in love with someone he probably
shouldn't, but he doesn't care. He’s a pleasant 21st-century hippie.
SCENE
I
(Enter
THE HOOF, full of energy)
THE
HOOF: Opening night is upon us! And that
"good vibes" guy wants to beat us with his washed-up hippie good
intentions... To work, THEY-ZEL, you malevolent creature! Who do we have today,
a they, a them, or an it!
(They-zel
checks their tablet. They wear gender-fluid attire: it changes in every scene.)
THEY-ZEL:
My pronouns today are "ze" and "zir," so please, refer to
me as "my dear assist-ant."
THE
HOOF: My dear what-ant?! Speak properly
and leave that stupid tablet alone! Always with the "ze" and the
"zir"... You’ve got me more confused than a succubus at a nun
convention! By the way... what am I today? I looked in the mirror and felt like
THE HOOF-ette or THE HOOF-y... Am I a son of a glitch or a child of a ditch? I
don’t even know what brand of underwear to put on anymore—the pink ones or the
blue ones!
THEY-ZEL:
Oh, HOOF, don’t be so heavy-handed. You are a dark entity full of hatred and
emptiness. But LOOK... are you finally going to give me that management
position you promised, or am I still just the eternal candidate?
THE
HOOF: You’re a candidate or a candi-don't...
see how funny I can be? Enough, stop pestering me about your management;
consider yourself the Quality Director... or whatever other damn name you want
me to give you, for hell’s sake... Priestess of Evil, multifunctional coach...
And don’t ask me to make an effort with your articles anymore, I’m calling you
"You," or by your last name... what is it?
THEY-ZEL:
Miller.
THE
HOOF: Well, damn Miller, stop asking me to call
you this or that... I wish your name was Gabe, like my arch-enemy Gabe... every
time I see him on Insta, I feel my tail getting sweet...
THEY-ZEL:
Oooooh! The boss likes Gabe! That’s very progressive of you, comrade!
THE
HOOF: Shut up! And his name is Gabe... Now, to
business... we have to get a few lousies to enter "The House of the
Lousies," whether they like it or not!
SCENE
II
(Enter
T-BONE, trying to catch a signal with an aluminum foil antenna on his hat...
walking down a very winding road accompanied by BOMBSHELL and JOCK-O)
T-BONE:
For the fourth time, I lost the signal! I bet the game already started and here
we are at a snail's pace.
BOMBSHELL:
And why can't you just wait until we get there, T-Bone! You’re the one slowing
us down trying to watch it on YouTube.
JOCK-O:
(Tired) This sucks... If I’d known I’d be stuck with a bunch of morons,
I would’ve come alone to watch the game.
T-BONE:
Oh, JOCK-O! You’re nothing but complaints and bad vibes...
BOMBSHELL:
Look... let’s hitch a ride from that van... with any luck, it’ll take us all to
the game.
(Celestial
music is heard at full volume)
GABE:
(Arrives in a dream-like, fully customized COMBI van) Good afternoon to
everyone, every-two, and... every-them! I want to throw some good vibes your
way. Hop in with me so we can be together and do fun things.
BOMBSHELL:
And then what? Does he want to pick us up for some "special
services"? I can still be very successful... Let’s get in... guys!
T-BONE:
It’s the guy from TV, look... He’s the one who always says "Do good
without looking at who"...
BOMBSHELL:
You can tell he’s an artist! He’s got more filters than a Kardashian!
JOCK-O:
That guy looks like a drag queen!
GABE:
Friends: I’ve come to tell you that going to a football game is a small
thing... You deserve more, much more... With me, you can be famous and win many
wonderful, coveted prizes.
JOCK-O:
(To his buddies) So, he does want to pick us up to sell us. (To GABE)
You want us for prostitution, to harvest our organs, or to do evil things...
GABE:
(Confused) Uh... well... I don’t know how "evil" it is to
follow the path of righteousness! We all want peace and love... repeat after
me... We all want peace and love and to follow the path of Good!
T-BONE:
(The only one repeating GABE) We all want to be at peace and we want the
love of our lives... and for things to go well... (To his buddies) Why aren’t you helping me?
SCENE
III
(THE
HOOF and THEY-ZEL arrive in an ominous Cyber-truck-style van with a giant image
of Elon Musk with a smiling Devil’s face painted on it.)
THE
HOOF: Look at that, THEY-ZEL. There are our
victims... and my precious Gabe already beat us to it, I told you...
THEY-ZEL:
That 60s moron isn't going to beat us... Let’s tell them we have pizza and
we’re heading to the game and there’s room for everyone here—and that we’re
going to slash the tires on that hippie van.
(They
approach BOMBSHELL)
THE
HOOF: Hello, gorgeous. We know you want to
become famous with your celebrity blog. We’re offering you that, plus we’ll
take you to the football final you’re so dying to see...
BOMBSHELL:
(Excited) Oh, I knew it! My Instagram stories paid off! Do you know my
seven blogs? You could be in one of them... I’ve seen you, you’re very
famous... Selfie???
THE
HOOF: (Flattering) Sure... BOMBIE...
you’re the spitting image of a Victoria’s Secret model, just with a little
muffin top. Your beauty is so great that... oh, what eyes you have! (He gets
distracted looking at GABE passing in the background. THE HOOF sighs) What
a great set of balls that jerk has...! I mean! That Gabe is pure temptation,
isn't he, BOMBSHELL? (Bombshell leaves, offended because he stopped paying
attention) Come back here, chubby! BOMBSHELL!
THEY-ZEL:
(Getting confused) Come here, Bombshell, I want a selfie with you too...
but you have to promise me you'll tuck in that belly so you can become the
celebrity that all-em want... Look, this is for you... Shiny and
expensive pure gold chains that identify you as... a... VIP-E... of... lux...
BOMBSHELL:
Are they influencer chains?
THE
HOOF: Oh... yes... of course, sure... Very
VIP-E, I swear! Look, put it on and get in our cyber-truck, you’re going to
have a blast! Call your buddies to be your guard.
BOMBSHELL:
Are you sure you're taking us to the stadium?
THE
HOOF: Sure, sure, right my Gabe?
GABE:
Yes, get in, my good comrades. I’ve just been informed the game went to
penalties, so we’re going to catch the best of the best... Who’s coming with
me... (Everyone makes a face like they’re going with The Hoof... Without
losing his smile) Ah, I see... If you don’t want to go with me, go with the
bad Hoof... In the end, we’re all going to the same place. See you at the
stadium!
(BOMBSHELL
AND T-BONE GET INTO THE CYBER-TRUCK... JOCK-O GOES WITH GABE WHO TRIES TO
WELCOME HIM WITH A HUG THAT IS BRUTALLY REJECTED.)
(SUSPENSE MUSIC)
SCENE
IV
(Reality
show music: Neon sign for "The House of the Lousies".)
THE
EVIL CAMERA (Voiceover): Good evening! All the
contestants have been abducted... by the evil Hoof... and by the do-gooder
Gabe... Who supposedly did wrong... but for a greater good... or so he says.
Let’s see how they survive this mandatory quarantine where we’ll learn their secrets,
their intimacies, and we’ll see them naked... in body but especially in soul in
this difficult decision... what is better, the evil of The Hoof or the good of
Gabe... Plus... they’ll win juicy surprise prizes!
THEY-ZEL:
(Takes the floor with great presence and professionalism) Hello,
friends, friend-ies, and ambig-ies! Today we are going to degrade... I mean! We
are going to interview our contestants in this wonderful, inclusive, and
non-heteronormative show.
THE
HOOF: That’s right, dear viewers and
view-thems, our public... Our show is designed so that these kidnapped lousy
contestants feel happy and enjoy the wonderful products generously donated by
our sponsors.
GABE:
(Changes the sign from “The House of the Lousies” to “The House of the Good
Guys”) On my part, I must say the contestants are here of their own free
will and have been convinced in good faith for a greater good... Because as
Saint Joachim said in his Epistle to the Pistons: We all intend to be good,
even if sometimes we have to do weird things... amen.
THEY-ZEL:
Bore-ing!
SCENE
V
(Festive
circus music. The "shepherds" line up to participate in the
"contest".)
THE
HOOF: Let’s begin! The first test will be to
guess the contents of the cakes that GABE and I have prepared... You must close
your eyes and taste them and tell us exactly what’s inside... Our hostess, the
manager Dominguez... Miller... will give you a bandana that you must put on
yourselves, making sure not to cheat.
GABE:
My cakes are very good for the large intestine and they activate the Jejunum
ileum!
THE
HOOF: That sounds disgusting, Baby... (Aside)
I feel like kissing him!
GABE:
Don’t call me Baby, King... oh... And your breath smells like BBQ, aren’t you
grossed out by yourself, Hoof?
THE
HOOF: (Coquettish) Nope... And you smell
like baby powder.
GABE:
So what, don't you like it?
THE
HOOF: Yes, and that’s the worst part... now
we’ll have to fight to get it out of our systems.
GABE:
(Interested, but trying not to show it) ...Speak for yourself, but...
fine... let’s fight.
(GABE
and THE HOOF face off in something that looks more like a tango than wrestling.
The contestants take off their bandanas and start chanting: The Hoof, The Hoof,
Gabey, Gabey... THE HOOF looks at GABE with passion, who also feels strangely
attracted to the villain)
THE
HOOF: Get ready, GABE! I’m going to beat the
"GOODIE" out of you with slaps and noogies... Come on, you deserve more than thirty head-bonks.
CONTESTANTS:
(In Chorus) The Hoof, The Hoof, Gabey, Gabey...
GABE:
I’m going to twist your ears, like they surely did to you back in school.
THE
HOOF: I received evil instruction from Satan
himself. I didn’t go to any little school.
GABE:
That much is clear... but... don't you think we should start the cake contest
already? We’re losing sponsors...
CONTESTANTS:
The Hoof, The Hoof, Gabey, Gabey!
THE
HOOF: (Stops fighting and goes to arrange
the contestants) You’ll see how our suckers prefer my scorpion cakes over
your "yuck" salads... (To the contestants) Hey... who told you
to take off the bandanas?
GABE:
(Sensually eats an avocado from the cake table with his hand) We have to
change strategy, Hoof... We’ve already lost thirty rating points fooling
around...
THE
HOOF: (Unconcerned about the contest)
"I like it when you eat because you are as if absent"... And... can I
have some of your avocado?
GABE:
Me?... I feel confused... is that an indecent proposal?
THEY-ZEL:
(Intervenes, alarmed) Guys... Boss... You, Gabe, Goodie... There’s no
more public interest... I’m sorry, but romances stink... They kill the ratings,
you know that... Either we put on a sensual commercial or a choreography, or we
lose the broadcast...
THE
HOOF: (Ignoring them) Gabe, my Gabe... I
can’t help it, you drive me crazy... Do you forgive me for all the evil I’ve
done?
GABE:
Oh, HOOF, HOOF! I... I think I’m feeling a very special connection... with
you... But... I can only forgive you for your evil-y evilness if you accept
universal, inclusive, diverse, and gluten-free love! If you really want to
change... I can be yours.
THE
HOOF: I want to change, Gabe... And I want you
to give me some of your avocado... (THEY-ZEL, in a panic, pinches THE HOOF)
but first... let’s do an inclusive choreography to boost the ratings... Let’s
go, you guys and girls... Strip!
GABE:
Oh, HOOF, HOOF! What did we agree on... Fine... Let’s boost that rating... Come
on, boys and "them-boys"... all together, let’s sing a Christmas
carol and dance a choreography we’ve never, ever rehearsed...
(Very
cheerful Christmas carol music... "The Little Drummer Boy" or
"Feliz Navidad" style; everyone dances a choreography full of joy and
energy.)
THE
HOOF: (On the ground, out of breath from the
dance) Ouch! Even my moths hurt... but it actually felt good to shake my
groove thing...
THEY-ZEL:
Congratulations to every-them, every-they, every-those, and every-thus! Our
rating is back at its usual level... ha, ha... which is to say, not very
high... Now, let’s go to the most anticipated section... Let’s move to... THE CONFESSIONAL!
SCENE
VI
THE
CONFESSIONAL
(The
characters sit in a red velvet chair. A single spotlight hits them. They speak directly to the camera)
- THEY-ZEL:
Today I identify as a thinking Dove of Peace... I actually have a
functional frontal lobe. I change my pronouns every four hours just to see
if The Hoof’s head explodes. It’s my favorite hobby. Also, if they don’t
give me the Executive Management of Evil, I’m going to leak the video of
The Hoof and Gabe dancing a slow-jam on a single floor tile... Your turn, Hoof.
- THE HOOF:
And who am I... I’m an old man of hundreds of thousands of years and I’d
never been in love... I’d only felt rage, hatred, sloth, gluttony, envy,
lust, pride... and... something else... the urge to pee and to do...
Avarice? Never, quite the opposite, I’m very generous and I want to give
Gabe... All my... Ah, I don’t want to talk, but I must confess that GABE
has a "something" that burns my insides... It makes me want to
twist him and fill him with phlegm and flames... Well... you’ve received too much information...
Your turn, Bunny.
- GABE:
(Sings) "I'm like the green bird, that wanders in the
distance"... I don't know... I can't think of anything else but that
stupid song... Being in love is... I’m going to sing several songs to see
if I can get that green bird one out of my head... Oh, HOOF, HOOF, WHAT
DID YOU GIVE ME THAT I'M SO IN LOVE... I'm like the green bird...
- BOMBSHELL:
"Is the camera on? Does my hair look okay? Good. I mean, the world is
ending and the Evil Son of the Devil is dating a hippie, and here I am
wondering why we don’t have a photo shoot with a makeup artist and
wardrobe fittings... But no... I didn’t come to make friends, I came for
my 10 million followers and so they can see my skin, which is like
porcelain... Look... No filters... I swear... Ah! You don’t believe
me?"
- THE EVIL CAMERA:
(Voiceover) T-Bone, yesterday you ate a booger. The rating went up 2 points.
- T-BONE:
That’s it, the cat's out of the bag... So what... Everyone here is a
hypocrite and a cheesy romantic talking about "the good and the
beautiful." But it turns out everyone is gay or fluid, gross... That
sounds like motor oil... or vaginal lubricant... or anal... or...
semi-annual? Yes, I know, I’m intolerant, but that’s just how I am... And
I don’t know what the hell a "pronoun" is and at this point, I’m
afraid to ask. I have
spoken.
- THE EVIL CAMERA:
I’m the only winner here... you’re all pieces of dysfunctional trash. Next
time I’m going to air out the dirty laundry of actual celebrities... It’ll
be called "The House of Those Who Think They’re Famous," I bet
the ratings will go through the roof. There will be sex, scatology,
humiliations, and massive orgies... Did I mention sex?
- JOCK-O:
Does nobody want to see my "rod"? Nobody?
SCENE
VII
BITTERSWEET
FINALE
BOMBSHELL:
And in the end... we didn’t even matter in this reality show... They told us
we’d have a photo shoot and at least a bubble bath and that the camera was
going to show us "nude-ish"...
T-BONE:
They caught me when I was putting on my pajamas... the movement was so un-sexy
that the rating dropped to minus 5.
JOCK-O:
It went up with me. I was dancing a "rod-tastic" dance and everyone
loved my unit.
T-BONE:
Well yeah, you pig! You used a latex prosthetic. But when it gets out...
JOCK-O:
Well, what did you expect... 10 inches is something not even... Hercules, nor
Rasputin, nor Popeye the sailor has!
EVERYONE:
Well, that’s true!
T-BONE:
Well, they already told us to grab our things because they were going to record
the moment of our exit. So get ready to be cheesy.
(High
tension music)
BOMBSHELL:
Listen! Exit music. Gabe and The Hoof are coming—they’re a couple now—and
they’re going to throw rice at us. Or we at "them-selves"...
JOCK-O:
How cool... I’ve never been to a gay wedding.
T-BONE:
It’s not a wedding, focus, Jock-O...
BOMBSHELL:
Look, here they come, and the "It" is holding up their train...
T-BONE:
Excuse me?
BOMBSHELL:
The one with the pronouns.
T-BONE:
Oh, that one... THEY-ZEL, you see?
(GABE,
THE HOOF, AND THEY-ZEL arrive as very decked-out presenters to see off the
contestants.)
THE
HOOF: For the first time in a long time on this
show, the contestants must leave their place, but not before leaving behind a
terrible performance of their infinitely sad lives.
GABE:
I wouldn't say that, dear. I wouldn't say that. We have managed to make them
aware of the spirit of freedom and goodness that they would never have achieved
if not for my help.
THEY-ZEL:
Super-bore-ing!
BOMBSHELL:
I didn't learn anything.
T-BONE:
Me neither... Are we going in the Hippie van or the Cyber-truck with Elon
Musk’s face painted like a moron devil?
JOCK-O:
Well, I liked showing my "rod" to the whole country and beyond our
borders.
THEY-ZEL:
Ah, that part was censored by the AI... We're sorry, it wasn't bad at all...
But don't get bummed out or perturbed... And to cheer you up a bit and as a
consolation prize, we have for all of you and "all-em" a week at the
Rocal-Rock Pools, which... "as the song says... are a ton of fun"...
"Rocal-Rock Pools are the fun for every occasion"... Here is your KIT
with your swimsuits, flip-flops, goggles, and towels: All courtesy of MANATEE
Industries, "Industries, but what industries!"
BOMBSHELL:
Oh, how cool...
T-BONE:
Ugh, my dream come true...
JOCK-O:
Well, I’m down. I’m going to show my most "rod-tastic" side. I’ll be
as famous as the Beatles!
GABE:
Yes, yes, whatever. Well... we take this moment to announce something that is
already evident.
THEY-ZEL:
And here we go.
THE
HOOF: Remember that life is good, and it is
beautiful and wonderful and joins us in harmony and love and much love, a love
that was always just around the corner.
THEY-ZEL:
(Interrupts a potentially long and cheesy speech) Long live the
"marri-thems"!
EVERYONE:
LONG LIVE!
(GABE
and THE HOOF share a warm hug, there is no shortage of confetti and rice and a
very well-tuned wedding march.)
THE END
Part
II: Radio Script Adaptation
TITLE:
THE HOUSE OF THE LOUSIES
FORMAT:
Audio Drama / Radio Satire
[CHARACTER
LIST]
- NARRATOR / THE EVIL
CAMERA: Deep, distorted, "Big
Brother" style voice.
- THE HOOF:
Raspy, high-energy, flamboyant villain.
- THEY-ZEL:
Pretentious, soft-spoken but intense activist voice.
- GABE:
Ethereal, overly calm, "New Age" hippie voice.
- BOMBSHELL:
High-pitched, "Valley Girl" influencer tone.
- T-BONE:
Rough, slightly dim-witted voice.
- JOCK-O:
Deep, breathy, "macho" voice.
[SCENE
1]
[SFX:
STATIC, THEN AN ENERGETIC, OBNOXIOUS REALITY TV THEME SONG KICKS IN.]
NARRATOR
(V.O.): (Dramatically) You’re listening to the
frequency of sin and social justice! This is… The House of the Lousies!
[SFX:
CROWD CHEERING, WHISTLES.]
THE
HOOF: (On mic, shouting) Welcome to the
premiere, you sinners! Miller! They-zel! Whatever your name is today! Get the
mics ready! Who’s the guest? A he, a she, or an it?
THEY-ZEL:
(Calmly) Boss, please. My frequency today is "Ze/Zir." You're peaking
the levels with your negative energy.
THE
HOOF: (Growling) I’ll peak your levels in a
minute! I’m so confused I don't know if I’m an incubus or a confused aunt at a
baby shower! Am I a son of a glitch or a child of a ditch? Just bring in the victims!
[SCENE
2]
[SFX:
SOUND OF A WINDY HIGHWAY. DISTANT CARS PASSING BY.]
[SFX:
A FOIL ANTENNA CRINKLING.]
T-BONE:
(Frustrated) No signal! I’m missing the kickoff!
BOMBSHELL:
Oh my god, T-Bone, stop crinkling your hat! I’m trying to record a "Get
Ready With Me" for the apocalypse!
[SFX:
SUDDEN ETHEREAL HARP MUSIC AND THE SOUND OF A VOLKSWAGEN BUS ENGINE PURRING.]
GABE:
(Soothingly) Greetings, travelers of the digital age. I am Gabe. Hop into my
Combi of Light. We shall seek the path of righteousness… and maybe win some
followers along the way.
JOCK-O:
Is this guy a drag queen or a cult leader?
GABE:
I am simply… inclusive. I want peace, love, and high-definition ratings!
[SCENE
3]
[SFX:
SUDDEN MECHANICAL ENGINE ROAR. TIRES SCREECHING.]
THE
HOOF: (Over a megaphone) Move over, hippie! Get
in the Cyber-truck, kids! We’ve got pizza, gold chains, and Elon Musk’s face on
the dashboard!
BOMBSHELL:
(Gasping) Is that a VIP-E entrance? I’m so in!
THE
HOOF: (Aside, whispering) Oh, Gabe… his wings
look so soft in this lighting. I want to pluck them and then kiss him. (Back to
megaphone) Get in the truck, you piojosos!
[SCENE
4: THE CONFESSIONAL BUMPER]
[SFX:
A SINGLE LOW HUMMING DRONE. REVERB ON VOICES.]
NARRATOR:
The Confessional.
THEY-ZEL:
I change my pronouns every four hours just to watch The Hoof’s internal servers
crash. It’s my spiritual practice.
THE
HOOF: (Sobs) I’m thousands of years old and
Gabe makes me feel like a schoolgirl. I want to fill him with flames… or maybe
just buy him a gluten-free muffin. I’m a mess!
JOCK-O:
(Breathy) Does the radio audience want to hear me flex? (Sound of fabric
straining) Can you hear that? That’s 10
inches of pure… radio talent.
[SCENE
5: THE FINAL & COMMERCIAL]
[SFX:
CHEESY JINGLE MUSIC STARTS.]
THEY-ZEL:
(Professional) And the winner is… nobody! But don't be sad-em!
THE
HOOF: (Exhausted) Just go home! Take your
flip-flops and your Manatee Industries towels!
GABE:
Wait, Hoof… before we go off-air… I forgive your darkness.
THE
HOOF: (Choking up) Gabe… give me a bite of that
avocado.
[SFX:
A LOUD, DRAMATIC WEDDING MARCH MIXED WITH A TECHNO BEAT.]
NARRATOR:
This program was brought to you by Rocal-Rock Pools! "Rocal-Rock: A ton of
fun for every occasion!" See you next season for The House of the
Has-Beens!
[SFX:
FADE OUT WITH THE HOOF AND GABE LAUGHING AS CONFETTI CANNONS FIRE.]
NARRATOR:
(Whispering) Sex. I mentioned sex.
[SFX:
FINAL RADIO STATIC. SILENCE.]
📻 RADIO COMMERCIAL: ROCAL-ROCK POOLS
Official Sponsor of "The House of the
Lousies"
[SFX: UPMEMPO ELECTRONIC CUMBIA / TROPICAL PARTY
MUSIC]
COMMERCIAL ANNOUNCER (Carny-style voice, high
energy):
Tired of your brimstone melting from all the
stress? Sick of not knowing if today you’re a "ze," a
"zir," or just a plain old "son of a glitch"? Suffer no
more!
WOMAN’S VOICE (Whispering with echo): Rocal-Rooook…
ANNOUNCER:
MANATEE Industries —Industries… but wow, what
industries!— presents: ROCAL-ROCK POOLS! The only aquatic center where the
water is so dense that even your sins float!
[SFX: HEAVY SPLASH ("PLOP!")]
BOMBSHELL (Testimonial):
"I mean, before coming to Rocal-Rock, my
porcelain skin was, like, super dry. But after five minutes in the industrial
hydration pit, I literally grew three new followers on my forehead! It’s
totally VIP-E!"
ANNOUNCER:
Come and enjoy our attractions!
- "The Hoof" Slide: A freefall into the abyss with no return policy!
- The "Inclusive" Wading Pool: Where the water is neither cold nor hot… it’s fluid!
- The "Gabey" Pit: Purified holy water… with a dash of industrial chlorine so the
evil doesn't stick to you.
T-BONE (Shouting in the distance):
"Hey! Why does the water smell like
BBQ?!"
ANNOUNCER:
Don’t ask, just swim! If you come today, you get
our LOUSIE KIT for free:
- Flip-flops that squeak with every step.
- Goggles that won’t let you see reality.
- And a MANATEE Industries towel that doesn't dry you, but looks
great as a cape!
[SFX: CATCHY ENDING JINGLE]
CHORUS (Singing out of tune):
"As the song goes… they’re a ton of fun!
Rocal-Rock Pools are the fun for every occasion!"
ANNOUNCER (Ultra-fast legal voice):
We are not responsible for loss of identity,
mutations from brimstone contact, falling in love with archangels, or loss of
followers. MANATEE Industries is a registered trademark in the Fifth Hell.
Promotion valid until ratings do us part.
[SFX: OUTRO WITH BUBBLE SOUNDS
("GLU-GLU-GLU")]
🎵 BONUS TRACK: THE ROCAL-ROCK POOLS SONG
(Genre: Low-budget Synth-Pop / Duration: 1:30)
(Intro: Out-of-tune trumpet and an 80s electronic
drum beat)
CHORUS:
As the song goes, they’re a ton of fun!
Rocal-Rock Pools, the fun for every occasion!
Doesn’t matter if you’re a devil or a cherubim,
We all float together in this wading pool of sin!
VERSE 1:
If your soul is black or your brimstone’s way too
hot,
Our little ice-pit hits the chilly spot.
We’ve got mystic water and "fluid" water
too,
So the wrong pronoun won't get the best of you!
If you’re a "ze," or an "it,"
or a total screw-up,
"The Hoof’s" big slide will surely shake
you up!
(BRIDGE: Sound of bubbles and T-BONE shouting for
joy in the background)
VERSE 2:
MANATEE Industries invites you to the quest,
Doesn't matter if your belly failed the fitness
test.
With the Lousie Kit waiting at the gate,
You’ll look like a star even if you're second-rate!
Come with Gabey, come with the Bad Guy,
At Rocal-Rock, the ratings reach the sky!
FINAL CHORUS:
As the song goes, they’re a ton of fun!
Rocal-Rock Pools, the fun for every occasion!
(Announcer fading out): "Restrictions apply in
Limbo and surrounding areas."
📸 INSTAGRAM SCRIPT: BOMBSHELL’S STORIES
STORY 1 (Video):
(Bombshell makes a duck face and adjusts her hair)
"Hey, my bon-bons and my bon-bon-thems! I
mean, you guys! I’m still in shock! I just left The House of the Lousies and
obviously, my first stop had to be the most VIP-E place in the galaxy:
Rocal-Rock Pools! Look at this view!"
(She flips the camera to show T-Bone wrestling with
a ducky floatie in a radioactive-green pool).
STORY 2 (Video):
"So many people ask about my skincare after
being locked up with so many trashy people... Well, here’s the secret!
Rocal-Rock water has minerals... or heavy metals, I don't know, but it leaves
your face so tight! It feels like Botox but it’s just industrial chlorine! Love
it! 💖"
STORY 3 (Photo with text):
(Photo of the MANATEE Industries flip-flops)
Text: "I literally died for the Lousie Kit.
The flip-flops have platforms so no one notices I’m low-budget. Get yours with
my code: BOMBA-GLITCH!"
STORY 4 (Video):
"Omg, look, there goes The Hoof with his
hippie boyfriend... How embarrassing! They’re feeding each other avocado by the
diving boards. Zero discretion! But hey, if they’re happy being 'marri-thems,'
I’m happy being an empowered celebrity. Come to Rocal-Rock before the health
department shuts us down! Love you, bye!"
🎙️ SECTION 1: THE HOT MICS (Filtered Confessionals)
[SFX: Sound of interference, whispers, and someone
crunching on potato chips]
- THE HOOF (Whispering):
"...Miller, is that red light off yet? It’s hot as hell in here...
Hey, do I look imposing or do I look like a hardware store mascot? This
latex suit is chafing my very soul. And find me the number for Gabe’s
stylist; I want to know what shampoo he uses to make his wings smell like
that... but don't let anyone know or I’m sending you to the basement with
the accountants!"
- GABE (Talking to himself): "Peace and love... peace and love... Peace and love my ass!
If I have to eat one more scorpion cake from The Hoof, I swear I’m going
to trigger a flood in this studio. And someone bring me an organic
avocado, not this pesticide-filled junk from the discount bin. I’m an Archangel, not an exchange
student!"
- THEY-ZEL (Complaining): "They don’t pay me enough to be a 'ze.' As soon as the
contract is up, I’m suing MANATEE Industries for grammatical
discrimination and for these flip-flops that gave me blisters in all three
genders. I should be hosting the Oscars, not babysitting these two toxic
weirdos!"
- JOCK-O (To T-Bone):
"Bro, did my prosthetic show when I jumped? I feel like it slid down
to my knee. If anyone asks, tell them it’s a new muscle I grew at the
gym... the 'Greater Unit,' or something."
🎬 SECTION 2: SEASON 2 TRAILER
TITLE: THE HOUSE OF THE HAS-BEENS
SLOGAN: "Where the ego is bigger than the
budget"
[SFX: Epic action trailer music: "BWA-AAAM...
BWA-AAAM"]
ANNOUNCER (Thunderous voice): You thought Hell was the limit... You thought
inclusion had an end... YOU WERE WRONG!
[SFX: Sound of glass shattering]
ANNOUNCER: This year, we aren't looking for normal people.
We’re looking for people who think they’re famous
but nobody knows! One-commercial actors, influencers with ten followers (all of
them their aunts), and ex-stars now selling miracle juices!
[SFX: Fast-paced urban beat]
THE HOOF (V.O.): "New season, new tortures! Now, anyone who
doesn't use inclusive language... has to wear thrift-store clothes from MANATEE
Industries for a week!"
GABE (V.O.): "I’m back... and this time, my love is
gluten-free, tax-free, and common-sense-free!"
ANNOUNCER: Featuring the "EVIL CAMERA 2.0",
now with X-ray vision to see who’s wearing a girdle!
NEW CHALLENGES:
- The Selfie Marathon: Five
hours without blinking!
- The Ex-Boyfriend Pool: Where
the water is filled with bitter texts and WhatsApp blocks!
- The Rocal-Rock Challenge: Survive a dip without losing your hair dye!
ANNOUNCER: More drama... more surgeries... more mediocre
sponsorships.
CHORUS (Fast singing): "The house of the
has-beeeeeeens!"
[SFX: A manatee’s roar]
ANNOUNCER: A MANATEE Industries production. If it’s
Manatee... good lord, what industries! COMING SOON!
"IT’S NOT RADIATION, IT’S
INNOVATION"
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Regarding the malicious rumors spread by certain
contestants (specifically a blonde with too many filters) concerning the
neon-green hue of our waters, MANATEE Industries hereby clarifies:
- Bio-Luminescent Tech: The
green color is not a result of toxic waste or poor hygiene. It is our
brand-new "Liquid Emerald Energy"
technology. The glow is designed so our guests don’t get lost during night
swims or in the event of a sudden apocalypse.
- Extreme Detox Effect: If,
upon exiting the water, you notice your skin glowing or that you can power
a lightbulb with your index finger, do not panic. This is simply the high
concentration of heavy minerals working on your aura. It’s like a spa day, but with more
"personality."
- Regarding the BBQ Smell: Reported by a guest known as "T-Bone," we clarify that
this is an ambient fragrance designed to stimulate appetite and boost
sales at our snack bar. Any resemblance to charred protein is purely a
chemical coincidence.
Sincerely,
The Quality Management Team (Currently vacationing
in a lead-lined bunker).
[With the radioactive "chemistry" that THE
HOOF and GABE charge, it would not be surprising if
they were the true source of luminous green energy of the Rocalrromn pools. Surely
the water was cloudy first, but since they are celestial figures and from hell,
then the luminescence came to the surface 😉 😊!**+]
…Y ESO ES TODO AMIGUES! 😉
