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viernes, diciembre 12, 2025
David, que no fue Brenda
jueves, diciembre 11, 2025
THE ONE-ACT FARCE OF THE ASYMPTOMATIC FLU. By GAVARRE BENJAMIN.
THE ONE-ACT FARCE OF THE ASYMPTOMATIC FLU
A farce of guilt, soap, and unforeseen romance.
By GAVARRE BENJAMIN
® Benjamín Gavarre Silva
Contact: gavarreunam@gmail.com
This play is a delirious fusion between the structure of a classic Golden Age interlude and contemporary urban picaresque wit. We step into a gritty working-class home where cunning is the only cure for poverty and violence.
Here you will see how Kim, a fed-up but sharp-witted wife, teams up with Lucas, a smooth-talking quack doctor, to teach a lesson to Martín, her husband: a man with heavy fists, a tiny brain, and an enormous guilt complex. Through an invented illness—the dreaded "Asymptomatic Flu"—and the arrival of a so-called cousin named Ángel, we will discover that the perfect punishment isn't always what one plans. Amidst bubble baths and expensive wine, the brute's heart might just take a turn toward the... unexpectedly soft. Get ready to laugh at their misfortunes and remember: nobody’s perfect!
THE ONE-ACT OF THE ASYMPTOMATIC FLU
(Translated into English from the original Spanish: “El Entremés de la Gripe Asintomática”)
CHARACTERS:
· LUCAS: A quack doctor of dubious origin. Lives in squalor but has the gift of gab.
· KIMBERLY (KIM): The wife. Battered, but vengeful, astute, and tough.
· MARTÍN: The husband. Violent brute force, very small brain, huge guilt complex, and confused feelings.
· ÁNGEL (alias "BABY FACE"): The "cousin" (the lover). A freeloader with an innocent face and very soft skin.
SCENE I: THE CONSULTATION OF STARVATION
(LUCAS's office. It's a sad little room, decor in funny kitsch style. There's a broken chair, a plastic skeleton missing a leg, and empty medicine bottles. LUCAS paces, rubbing his stomach, which growls loudly).
LUCAS
Oh, the misery! All day long and I haven't prescribed even a measly Tylenol! Three days without a bite to eat, and my guts are making more noise than a busted radiator. If a patient doesn't drop by soon, I’ll have to eat the plaster off the walls and boil my own shoes for broth just to feel full.
(KIMBERLY enters, wearing enormous dark sunglasses that cover half her face).
KIM
Oh, Lucas! Help me, I’m fainting, I’m dying!
LUCAS
Come in, come in, my dear Kim! Sit in the good chair; the other one bites. What ails you? What hurts, what itches? Though, judging by the shiner peeking out from under those glasses, I’d say you tripped and fell onto your husband's fist... again.
KIM
Hush, hush! It wasn't Martín this time. It's just that... there's a plague of fleas in the house. Very aggressive fleas, Doctor. They ball up their little fists and pow!, they leave you with a black eye and an itch you can't scratch.
LUCAS
Heavyweight fleas, nasty buggers, I see. Look, Kimberly, don’t play me for a fool; I graduated from the University of Hard Knocks. That was that animal Martín. And what did the beast do afterward?
KIM
Well, the usual, Doc. As soon as he walloped me and saw me crying, he put on his whipped puppy face. He filled the house with flowers that smell like a funeral parlor, brought me a giant stuffed dog that doesn't fit in the living room, and blew his whole paycheck on three ceramic dolphins and a giant star piñata.
LUCAS
And does the piñata have candy or fruit inside?
KIM
The piñata has jack squat. Just stale peanuts and hard candy. Nothing sweet, nothing fresh, if you know what I mean. I’m tired of it, Doc. I want revenge, but I can't let him leave me, otherwise, who’s gonna feed me?
LUCAS
Look, I have the perfect solution for all your problems, a little scheme I know. Listen closely to what we’re going to do.
You need intensive care and, above all, "family support." Do you have a male cousin you actually like?
KIM
I have Ángel... they call him "Baby Face." He's very... "affectionate" with me.
LUCAS
Perfect! Bring him home immediately. You and he are going to suffer from a terrible modern disease: The Asymptomatic Flu. It is an ailment so grave and treacherous that nothing shows on the outside, but it requires excessive luxury and absolute rest. And Martín, out of guilt, will be your slave nurse. Leave it to me.
SCENE II: THE DIAGNOSIS AND THE PENANCE
(Living room of Martín and Kim’s house. MARTÍN enters carrying a huge, colorful piñata, whining loudly).
MARTÍN
Oh, my adored Kimberly! I am a beast, I admit it! I’m a jackass, a misbegotten mule! Look, honey, I brought you this piñata so you’ll forgive me. Hit me, break it over my head if you want, beat the stuffing out of me, but don't look at me with those eyes... well, with the good eye.
KIM
(Lying on the sofa, feigning mortal weakness)
Oh, Martín... you feeling guilty doesn't make the pain go away. I think this time I’m really dying. I feel it, I’m going toward the light, I see ghosts, I’m dead!
MARTÍN
No! Don't die! What do I do? Do I buy you another piñata? Do I cook you dinner? Do I hire a mariachi band?
KIM
No, Martín. I need moral support from my own blood, my family... a father, a mother, a cousin. And what a coincidence, would you believe it, by sheer luck, I looked out the window and guess who was walking by so proudly...
MARTÍN
Your mom? (Kim shakes her head). Your sister?
KIM
I don't have sisters, you know that. But my cousin was walking by, the one got kicked out of L.A. and has been here for three weeks.
MARTÍN
I heard something about that. The one they call Chicken Face, right?
KIM
Angel Face, Baby Face, rather... His name is Ángel. He was walking by, and would you believe he was feeling sick too, just like me? I think there's an epidemic. He felt so bad that I told him to come in for some chicken soup.
MARTÍN
Ah...
(ÁNGEL enters, very slick and well-groomed, feigning a single, very slight cough, covering his mouth with a silk handkerchief).
ÁNGEL
(In a smooth, melodious voice)
Hello, cousin Martín. Oh, it’s hitting me again. I feel like glass shards in my throat and my whole body is in pieces... I need to lie down next to my cousin so we can share family warmth.
MARTÍN
You're sick too, cousin? Come in, my house is your hospital! Sit down, don't break yourself!
(LUCAS enters with great pomp, improvising a stethoscope with a funnel and a garden hose).
LUCAS
Make way for science! I have come to examine the dying. Permit me.
(LUCAS examines Kim and Ángel, touches their foreheads, checks their pupils. The "patients" look perfectly healthy and wink at the doctor when Martín isn't looking).
MARTÍN
Tell me the truth, Doc, even if it hurts. Are they going to make it? They look very glowing and happy to me, they’re even shining.
LUCAS
That is the danger, you ignoramus! They have Fulminant Symptomatic-Asymptomatic Flu with the Euphoria variant. The main symptom is that they look handsome and healthy, but suddenly they get horrendous cramps, body aches, sore throats, ulcers... well, sometimes. It's a death trap! The virus cannot withstand pleasure, much less continuous ecstasy. If we don't act now, they'll kick the bucket before dinner.
MARTÍN
Holy Toledo! The train is taking me! What do I do, Doctor? Prescribe me anything!
LUCAS
The prescription is strict and expensive. As I said, we must give them pleasure to strengthen their immune systems. (The Cousins put on terminal illness faces, but recover quickly and even smile). You see? The Symptomatic-Asymptomatic Flu is acting inside them at maximum power.
MARTÍN
I can see it, I note it, it's very clear, but what can I do, Doc, tell me!
LUCAS
First, they must eat gourmet foods to boost defenses, no beans or tortillas. Pure Norwegian salmon, expensive imported prosciutto, and expensive red wine to oxygenate the blood and cheer up their defenses. Second, no stress. They are forbidden to lift a finger. And most importantly: Intense Contact Hydrotherapy.
MARTÍN
Hydro what?
LUCAS
Baths, Martín, massage baths. You must give cousin Ángel a foam bath with a soft sponge to lower his internal fever, while Kimberly rests watching TV. Later, since you will surely be tired, Baby Face will give Kimberly a good bath.
MARTÍN
Are you sure? Me? Bathe the cousin? Baby Face? And he bathes my Kimberly later?
LUCAS
You are remarkably intelligent, my dear Martín. You will be the hero of this movie, Papa. You just have to treat them like spoiled babies... and, of course, the most indicated thing is that you start with Baby Face, because once recovered, he will be able to give Kimberly a massage.
MARTÍN
No, no! Do you want to make a cuckold out of me and a whore out of my wife?
LUCAS
That is correct... I mean, don't look at it that way. You will be like the catalyst for their healing, and on top of everything, you will be free of all guilt. How about that?
MARTÍN
(Picturing the scenario)
I bathe him! I scrub him! I buy the salmon! I am his slave!... (With a strange smile, he looks at Baby Face). What could go wrong?
ÁNGEL
Oh, thanks for accepting, dear cousin. But one favor, if the water could be lukewarm, yes, sweet cousin... it's just that... if it's too cold my skin wrinkles. Oh, and if you can, buy me some seedless grapes to snack on while you scrub my back.
(MARTÍN continues with his strange smile that turns into a weird sound resembling a laugh. The others look at each other, complicit and delighted).
(Blackout, or Curtain)
SCENE III: THE BATH AND THE PRAISE OF FLESH
(We see the large bathroom of the house. ÁNGEL is sitting in a very large aluminum tub, but his legs still stick out. He wears a charming shower cap with little ducks or fish on it. MARTÍN, in shorts and flip-flops, is sweating, holding a sponge in one hand and a water scoop in the other. KIMBERLY watches from the doorway, eating an apple shamelessly).
MARTÍN
(Pouring water over him carefully with the scoop)
Oh, cousin... you don't know how heavy it weighs on me to see you like this, so... asymptomatic-symptomatic. Well, the symptoms have completely disappeared now. Lucas said hot water draws the devil out of the pores. The devil himself, I mean... who always gets between our legs... through the head... through the mind... How does the temperature feel, little cousin? Are you comfortable or should I turn up the boiler?
ÁNGEL
(Stretching a leg arrogantly)
A little hotter, Martín, I feel cold in my... in my spirit. And pass the sponge over my calves, I feel the treacherous virus pooling there.
MARTÍN
(Scrubbing Ángel's leg with vigor and admiration)
Yes sir! Hey, cousin... wow. (He recovers the little modesty he has left and goes back to addressing him formally as "Usted"). Now that I have you here so close... what good craftsmanship you have! Look at those legs, they look like a premier league soccer player’s. Not like mine that look like yellow, malnourished chicken legs.
ÁNGEL
(Smiling at Kimberly, who holds back laughter)
It's genetics, Martín. And the many sufferings life has given me... It's so much suffering and no reward, but with you everything seems different, don't you think?
MARTÍN
(He squeezes the thigh muscle, as if checking fruit at the market)
Hard, hard. Like rock. Good God! No wonder Kimberly loves you so much, cousin. You are pure health wasted in that bed. Hey, and how are we doing in the chest area? Let’s see, lift up your little arm so I can scrub the wing.
(Ángel lifts his arm. Martín soaps him with almost religious devotion).
MARTÍN
Wow! Smooth... smooth like a cherub's bottom... I mean, living up to your name, Angel. I have a back like number zero sandpaper from carrying boxes down at the docks. But you... you have imported peach skin.
KIMBERLY
(Intervening from the door, chewing the apple)
Alright, enough, Martín, don't wear him out! Don't scrub him so hard. The cousin is "fine china," you realized that, don't break him. Treat him like you were washing my grandmother's porcelain figurine, with touch, but taking care not to crack it.
MARTÍN
Sorry, baby, sorry. It's just that I get emotional seeing that, despite being so sick, the boy is very well-endowed.
(To Ángel)
And tell me, cousin, does it hurt here when I squeeze the trapezius?
ÁNGEL
Ouch! Ouch! Yes, right there! That's where the knot of the disease is! Massage, Martín, massage hard so the evil comes out!
MARTÍN
(Massaging with zeal and eyes closed)
Out, bug, out! Abandon this body of sin!
(Pause, reflective, looking at Ángel's back)
Geez... If I had this bearing, cousin, maybe Kimberly wouldn't get so mad at me. You smell like expensive little hotel soap, and I smell like a subway conductor in August.
ÁNGEL
Don't martyr yourself, Martín. Yours is rustic, mine is aesthetic. But keep scrubbing my lower back, that's where the "flu" gives me some nasty little stabs.
MARTÍN
Yes, yes. Hey cousin... a question from man to man, taking advantage of the intimacy of the steam and foam.
ÁNGEL
Tell me, good Martín, I'm all ears.
MARTÍN
Do you think if I go on a diet of pure salmon and red wine like you... my skin will get that pretty and shiny?
ÁNGEL
(Winking at Kimberly)
No, Martín. Yours is a lost cause, a factory defect. But as long as you keep scrubbing me this well... I'll speak well of you to the saints so they forgive your brute sins. After this, you won't even think about hitting my Kim... Kimberly.
MARTÍN
I wouldn't dream of it. You are a saint! I feel completely cured, I am a man reborn.
(He accidentally splashes water in Ángel's face out of emotion).
ÁNGEL
Careful, animal! Not in the eyes, it burns!
MARTÍN
Sorry! It's the emotion of close contact with my loved ones! Pure emotion, little cousin, pure emotion!
SCENE IV: THE COLLECTION, THE PIÑATA, AND UNEXPECTED LOVE
(Hours later, in the living room. There are remains of a gourmet feast on the table: empty glasses, fish bones, and thrown cloth napkins. KIMBERLY and ÁNGEL, very satisfied and flushed with wine, are sitting on the sofa. MARTÍN finishes drying ÁNGEL's feet with a fluffy towel and helps him put on his shoes with unusual delicacy. Kimberly has a look on her face...)
LUCAS
(Entering triumphantly, rubbing his hands)
Hallelujah and victory! I see in the blush of your cheeks that the terrible asymptomatic flu has been defeated. My science, combined with good Martín's hydrotherapy, has worked the miracle. Now, as every worker in this case of Science is worthy of his hire, I believe I am worthy of receiving my fees—a painful but necessary procedure. It will be five hundred for the consultation, four hundred for the home visit, and twelve-fifty for epidemiological follow-up... That gives us a total of...
MARTÍN
(Interrupts him, anxious, getting up from the floor, dusting off his knees, and searching his pockets with a look of anguish)
Geez, my licensed Doctor Don Lucas... If you only knew the expenses I've had... salmon, prosciutto, sparkling wine... the one that improves the cousin's blood circulation... Ahem... well, you’ll understand that I’m empty and deflated.
LUCAS
(Erasing his smile instantly)
I can see that, everyone can notice it, but that doesn't exempt you from having an outstanding debt... with me... I don't eat air! You have to pay me or I'll let everyone in the neighborhood know that you... That you... Pay me or I'm capable of making them sick again!
KIMBERLY
(Filing a nail, annoyed by the unexpected turn of events)
Oh, Doctor, if you go around gossiping, things could get difficult for you, you know... We'd all lose out, don't you think?... Hubby, pay the little doctor here in kind, I don't know, give him a bubble bath, treat him with affection too, since you've learned the way now.
LUCAS
Bubble bath my foot, what I want is cold hard cash, and the harder the better.
MARTÍN
Don't get puffy, Don Lucas! Look, I won't have money for a while, maybe till Christmas... only... well, never mind because I'm sure I'll have other expenses, but I have the solution for you, and it will make you very happy and satisfied: I have capital in kind. Just to show you I'm generous: Take the seven-point piñata I bought. It's brand new, the colors match your face, and the points shine with joy and satisfaction.
LUCAS
(Looking at the piñata with contempt)
Seriously? How dare you... When what I want right now is to grab it and beat the stuffing out of you with a stick... Do you think I'm going to eat with your piñata? Do you think I'm going to pay rent with your piñata?!
MARTÍN
It's not enough. I understand. Take the three ceramic dolphins and the giant stuffed dog too. The dog is hypoallergenic. You sell it all at the flea market and you'll get double what I owe you. Go on, you come out winning!
LUCAS
(Resigned, he grabs the piñata by a point and throws the stuffed dog over his shoulder)
What else can I do. I can't squeeze water from a stone. At least this dog will serve as a pillow. With your permission, you bastards. And you, Martín, you still haven't realized that you haven't realized... You'll understand later... Bunch of idiots.
(LUCAS leaves grumbling, dragging the piñata).
ÁNGEL
(Standing up, stretching like a cat)
Well... Well, cousin Martín, cousin Kimberly. I feel renewed. I think it's time for this healed body to retire to its little home. Thanks for the fish and the sparkling wine. Martín, thanks for your enthusiasm, I must say it was a religious experience.
KIMBERLY
Yes, go on Cousin, too many words, right? Go carefully now. Martín, open the door for the boy.
(Martín runs to the door, but blocks it before Ángel can leave. He looks into his eyes with brilliant, almost devout intensity, and takes Ángel's hands in his).
MARTÍN
Cousin Ángel. Don't leave just like that without listening to me. The truth is... while I was drying your feet.
ÁNGEL
(Nervous, trying to free his hands)
Cousin Martín... It's getting late and honestly you're making me nervous.
MARTÍN
It's just that, after seeing you there in the tub, so defenseless, so white, and then feeling the firmness of your shoulders... I felt something, I don't know exactly, right here in my chest. I don't know, cousin. Kimberly is my wife and I love her, but you... you have skin that not even the Blessed Virgin herself has.
KIMBERLY
(Eyes widening like saucers from the sofa)
Martín! What are you saying? He's my cousin! And did you notice that he has... a very large Adam's apple?
MARTÍN
(Without stopping looking at Ángel with dreamy eyes)
I know, Kimberly, I know. He has an apple, he has a mustache, and he might even smoke cigars. But, oh well, Kim... Nobody's perfect.
(Martín sighs deeply, adjusts Ángel's shirt collar tenderly, and gives him a soft little pat on the cheek, almost a caress).
MARTÍN
If someday you get tired of living alone, cousin... here is your home. I can give you your bubble baths every day. I have a very soft hand for soap, don't I?
ÁNGEL
(Looking at Kimberly with absolute panic)
Uh... yes, yes... very soft, Martín. We'll leave it there, I mean, you guys call me... or better yet, I'll call you... See ya!
(Ángel runs away terrified towards the street. Kimberly covers her face with her hands. Martín stays in the doorway, sighing and watching him leave, with a goofy smile on his face).
MARTÍN
(Yelling toward the street with an enamored voice)
Cover your back, cousin! Cover up well when you get home!
(Kimberly drops onto the sofa not knowing whether to laugh or cry, while Martín closes the door softly, humming a romantic song and hugging himself as if remembering the touch of the sponge).
CURTAIN

