THE
DISGUISED DUKE, THE SELLERS OF FORGED RELICS, AND THE WONDROUSLY LOST GIANTS
(ELIZABETHAN
INTERLUDE)
By
GAVARRE BENJAMIN
Contact this address if you have produced it
or wish to do so: gavarreunam@gmail.com
THE DISGUISED DUKE
CHARACTERS:
- MASTER JACKSON GOME: The Patron. A gentleman who breakfasts upon
pride, seeks to gull the unwary… and dines on thin air.
- MASTER LETTUCE PALTRY: The Licentiate. Expert in the laws of the
street and in doing no labor.
- TOBY SUEDE: The Apprentice. Obsessed with his
shoe-latchets and with the fair men of the North.
- THE DUKE OF SUSSEX: Disguised as a Merchant. Elegant, ironical,
and with a keen eye for entanglement.
- MASTER SULLY: The Duke’s Steward. Bearing a countenance as
if all the world owed him money.
- TWO NORDIC GIANTS: Golden-haired giants, solemn, and very, very
lost in London.
THE SCENE:
A marketplace in a bustling London of yore. A
wooden stall filled with old junk, cracked pots, and a paltry Saint Sebastian
made of plaster, cross-eyed and exceedingly small.
SCENE
I: THE FLAMING HEART AND THE ACCIDENT
(TOBY is crouched low, fastening the latchets of
his boots. Suddenly, from the background, passes the first NORDIC GIANT. He is
a golden giant, clad in furs, with a majestic stride. TOBY is struck as stone,
mouth agape).
TOBY:
(Sighing) O, by the Mass!... What a strapper of a fellow, so exceedingly fair!
Yea, 'tis a monument indeed! What arms! What a beard! If he speaks but a word
to me, I shall swoon upon this very cobblestone!
(TOBY attempts to rise quickly to follow him with
his gaze but forgets that the "points" holding his breeches are
loosed. ALACK! His breeches fall to his ankles. He is left in long white
linens, reaching to his knees).
JACKSON: (Shouting) TOBY! For the love of God! Thou
flauntest sin before the whole of Cheapside!
LETTUCE: (Running to cover him) Quick, JACKSON! Hide the
boy's shame! (JACKSON and LETTUCE crouch down and begin inspecting the linens
exceedingly close, putting their faces to the cloth with great solemnity).
JACKSON: (Very near TOBY’s leg) Doth aught peek through,
Licentiate? Any of his shameful parts?
LETTUCE: (Nose against TOBY’s leg) Presently, I see naught
but filthy linen and a stain of thick gravy, but if
he moves but an inch, here endeth all decency!
SCENE
II: THE DUKE AND MASTER SULLY
(Enter the DUKE disguised as a Merchant, followed
by MASTER SULLY, who walks with his nose wrinkled).
SULLY:
(Whispering into the Duke’s ear) My Lord, behold this spectacle. Here these
unmannerly rogues inspect linens before saying good afternoon. What a...
picturesque people, to say no worse.
DUKE:
(Amused) Fascinating. 'Tis a right deep inspection of public hygiene. (Clearing
his throat). Good day to you, gentlemen of rare customs!
JACKSON: (Jumping up and trying to pull up TOBY's breeches)
Ah! Master Merchant! Welcome! Take no fright, 'tis only that the lad... was
ensuring that naught escaped, that all REMAIDEN within, for decorum’s sake, you
understand. How may we serve you?
DUKE:
(Approaches the stall and picks up the plaster Saint Sebastian). What a hideous
thing. And this cross-eyed puppet? Is it a saint with rouged cheeks or a sign
of the apocalypse?
SULLY:
(With disgust) 'Tis an insult to the senses, sir. It seems it was painted by a
blind goat.
(The Duke grabs the doll and shakes it hard. A
rattling sound of metal is heard within).
DUKE:
Hark! This sounds as if it contained bells. What hide you here? Stolen jewels?
JACKSON: (Surprised) It must be hidden coin. Who would have
thought it.
TOBY:
Surely they are sovereigns and angels!
LETTUCE: (Nervous, but with sudden greed) Nay, sir! 'Tis
the soul of the martyr shivering with cold! It is not for sale.
DUKE: (Threatening)
How mean you, not for sale? Either you sell it to me this instant, or I call
the Watch for fraud and Popish sorcery.
JACKSON: 'Tis no sorcery! 'Tis plaster and glue! 'Tis a
fake, I swear it!
DUKE:
Aha! A fraud, then! (He snaps the doll open). Heavens! 'Tis like one of those
dolls from the East... there is another within!
SCENE
III: THE GIANTS AND THE SACRED ARROWS
(Enter the TWO NORDIC GIANTS. LETTUCE hides in
mortal terror behind the Duke. TOBY is once again hypnotized).
GIANT 1: (Thunderous voice) London Bridge? Where big ship
leaves?
GIANT 2: (Pointing to a map) We want sun. Too much ice
North.
LETTUCE: (Pointing towards the Thames) Straight on, pass
the Tower, and follow the scent of cloves and salt!
TOBY:
(Fanning them with his hand) Go with God, you statuesque colossi!
(The Giants look at them without understanding,
eyes wide open, and depart. The Duke finishes opening the little dolls; there
are five, one inside another. Upon reaching the last one, three rusty
arrowheads fall out).
DUKE: And
these iron points?
JACKSON: (Inspired) They are the original Arrows! The
authentic tips that pierced the true Saint Sebastian! They are worth an
Earldom!
DUKE:
(Laughing heartily) You are magnificent liars! I have taken a liking to you. Tomorrow,
I require you at my manor for dinner. My wife is dying of boredom, and you are
the most colorful rogues I have seen in years.
SULLY: (SCANDALIZED)
Dine with these filthy knaves, my Lord? They literally smell of... laundry
broth!
DUKE:
(Ignoring him, hands them a bag of gold and a golden pin with his crest). Say
you come on behalf of the owner of this jewel. If you are late, I shall cast
you into the Tower.
SCENE
IV: THE FLIGHT TO THE CONTINENT
(The Duke and Master SULLY depart. The three stare
at the gold, mouth agape. JACKSON observes the pin closely).
JACKSON: (Paling) Toby! Look well upon the crest! 'Tis no
merchant! 'Tis the crest of the very Duke of Sussex!
TOBY:
(Terrified) And what if the dinner is a trap for a sadist to cut our throats?
What if the Duchess riddles us with arrows for sport!
JACKSON: That might well come to pass; folks who are bored
are wicked. We must fly!
(At that moment enter the GIANTS returning, laden
with three bags full of gold).
GIANT 1: River far. Map difficult. We not walk more.
GIANT 2: (Puts gold on the table) We want buy this stall.
All. We want sell paper puppets and leather linens.
JACKSON: 'Tis a bargain! The stall is yours, the cross-eyed
Saint is yours, and the debts to the Crown likewise.
TOBY:
(Tying his latchets for the last time) Let us away, Patron! Let us to the
Continent to walk the Way of Saint James! They say over
there the saints fly through the air and men are born in flowerpots!
GIANT 1: That be true, we walk that path before.
GIANT 2: Much too crowded with pilgrims. London is more
cool.
JACKSON: Say no more! To the docks to take a ship! Run as
if the devil himself trod upon your heels!
(JACKSON, Toby, and TOBY bolt out laughing
hysterically with their bags of gold. The two Giants stand behind the stall.
One puts the cross-eyed Saint Sebastian on his shoulder, and the other begins
fastening his boot-latchets exceedingly solemn).
GIANT 2: London Cool?
GIANT 1: Yea. We be very happy here.
GIANT 2: Every day we learn more… London, very happy.
(Y… Colorín colorado, this interlude is ended).
FINAL
CURTAIN
