DOGS AND CATS
Dog &
Cat (Waffles & Boris)
by BEN GAVARRE
CHARACTERS:
- JAKE (Actor): Plays WAFFLES (Dog).
- LEO (Actor): Plays BORIS (Cat).
SCENE 1:
Rehearsal and Role Definition
(JAKE
performs an exaggerated and loud diaphragmatic breathing exercise,
howling like a mantra. LEO watches him with annoyance, drinking coffee.)
LEO
Are you
done invoking the spirit of The Theatre yet? Or can we talk about the
rehearsal?
JAKE
One must
prepare. It is the dog's soul versus the feline's ego. A profound, millenary
relationship, Leo!
LEO
I am The
Cat. You are suited to be The Dog, with your blind enthusiasm.
JAKE
It's a
comedy about a ball. In any case, it's a comedy about comedians and their inner
animals.
LEO
I will be
BORIS. The name is irrelevant. The important thing is that my aura is that of
an aristocrat without a conscience.
JAKE
Perfect. I
will be WAFFLES, the street terrier who limps, but then performs a perfect
pirouette to prove he is fine.
SCENE 2:
IMPROVISATION I – The Soliloquy of Superiority
(Challenge:
Absolute Containment from BORIS vs. Explosive Energy from
WAFFLES.)
BORIS
(Sits in an
impeccable sphinx posture.)
WAFFLES.
Slave of the leash. Your stupid happiness that prevents introspection annoys
me.
WAFFLES
(Does an
aerial spin and lands in a "give paw" pose.)
Humans love
me. They tolerate you. We save lives. What do you do? Contemplate the dancing
dust?
BORIS
(Only moves
his eyes, with contempt.)
I am worthy
of veneration. I am their owner. And they train you with dried meat bits. And
that stupid ball.
(A HUMAN
VOICE (LEO, squeaky) shouts: "BORIS! TIME TO EAT, my baby!").
BORIS
(Shudders
with dramatic horror, but maintains the rigid posture.)
I won't eat
anything... I'm not their baby. I will destroy the armchair with an
indescribable fury and then I'll blame you.
(BORIS
performs a slow, choreographed gliding movement, simulating savage
scratching, and exits. WAFFLES sits down, does a furious contortion exercise
and then barks to claim his betrayal.)
SCENE 3:
Rhythmic Combat – The Boxing Ring
(Action:
The stage becomes a stylized boxing ring. The rhythm is a constant shuffle or
bob and weave, coordinated with the dialogue.)
WAFFLES
(Moving
quickly, nervous energy.)
Yes!
BORIS
(Moving
with elegance, slowly, dodging.)
No!
WAFFLES
Watch out
for... BAD INTENTIONS!
BORIS
Yes!
WAFFLES
No! Never
trust a... pensive cat!
BORIS
Yes!
WAFFLES
No!
BORIS
Watch out
for the... HIDDEN PASSIONS of dogs!
WAFFLES
(Moves
frantically.)
When I tell
you that... CATS ARE apathy disguised as art.
BORIS
(Stops and
glares at him, challenging.)
What I tell
you is that... DOGS ARE obedience disguised as love.
WAFFLES
Watch out
for... SELF-SERVING PETTING!
BORIS
Watch out
for... UNCONTROLLABLE DROOL!
(The
rhythm stops abruptly.)
SCENE 4:
Post-Rehearsal and Conflict
JAKE
(Laughing
and panting.)
I love the
aesthetic terrorism!
LEO
Slowness is
comedy, JAKE. But you need to challenge me more. My character needs to feel his
ego is at stake.
JAKE
Elevated
conflict? Understood. Five minutes.
SCENE 5:
IMPROVISATION II – The Battle of Egos
(Challenge:
Contrast of Movement and Voice.)
WAFFLES
(Jumps with
euphoria and does a comedic moonwalk.)
I want my
food! My loyalty is a muscle being exercised! The muscle of the ball you fetch!
BORIS
(Lies on a
chair in a decadent diva pose.)
Listen to
me, Karen. Your concept of reward is primitive. I accept the offering and
that's it.
WAFFLES
(Barks frantically and spins on the floor.)
INJUSTICE!
Why does YOUR Karen indulge you? I want MY KARENNN too!
BORIS
You are the
sweet one, WAFFLES. The needy one. You are too predictable.
(JAKE
removes his scarf, visibly annoyed.)
JAKE
Stop! This
is going nowhere. Why don't we use the text for a vocal technique
demonstration?
SCENE 6:
The Supremacy Debate (Shift to Cynical Praise)
(Challenge:
Uncomfortable Acceptance.)
WAFFLES
(Orator's
voice.)
The beauty
of total surrender. I call it loyalty.
BORIS
(Philosopher's
voice.)
I call it
emotional slavery. I am the master of necessary detachment.
WAFFLES
(With
forced admiration.)
I must
admit... you have a melancholy beauty when you sleep in the sun.
BORIS
(Cynical
affection.)
And you...
run and you return. It is a brutal optimism that bores me immensely, but which
I secretly admire.
WAFFLES
Your flaw,
BORIS, is your null capacity for remorse.
BORIS
(Gives a
gentle tap on his nose.)
Remorse is
for pets with a guilt complex. I am the consequence.
(They exit
in silence, with a complicit smile.)
SCENE 7:
The Project and the Grand Finale
(JAKE and
LEO return to themselves.)
LEO
This is a
mirror of people. Cynicism versus heart. It is a Manifesto.
JAKE
Yes! The
ending has to be everything we did, elevated to SCENIC madness. A final SIGH
with ELEMENTAL COSTUMES, BASIC COLORS, and APPROPRIATE MUSIC AND LIGHTING.
LEO
I'm in.
JAKE
(Double
meaning)
What
happened?
SCENE 8:
Grand Finale - The Line Contest
(JAKE and
LEO as acrobatic circus presenters. Dramatic lighting.)
BORIS
(With an
operatic voice, making a dramatic turn.)
We won't
speak much because we are animals.
WAFFLES
(Grandiose
gesture, followed by a simple somersault.)
We won't
tell you what every cat and dog has known for a long time.
BORIS
(Performing
a back arch over the chair.)
I am the
master of mystery and surprise! I am the sphinx, don't look at me.
WAFFLES
(Finishes
his jump and makes an exaggerated chest bump.)
I am an
expert hunter, I am a guardian, I am… Superdog?
BORIS
I KNOW MANY
THINGS THAT WITCHES ALSO KEEP SILENT! HAHAHAHA!
(The music
abruptly changes to joyful, chaotic jazz. JAKE performs an improvised tap
dance step.)
WAFFLES
(With
overflowing joy.)
BORIS! The
Grand Parade has arrived! The moment of meaningless madness!
BORIS
(Enters the rhythm, smiles and joins the music with an elegant and VIRTUOSIC dance.)
BORIS... madness is my name.
(His body stretches like a rubber band.)
This is the first of my seven lives.
WAFFLES
I WALK DOWN
THE STREET, ALL THE TREES ARE MINE, ALL THE GRASS IS MY HOME.
(They both
hold hands, perform a coordinated and ridiculous bow to the audience. The
light snaps off.)
(END OF PLAY)
