The Last Cafe in the Neighborhood
(A short one-act farce)
By
Ben Gavarré
This work has been published for
free and open dissemination, although all intellectual property rights are
reserved. The public use of this work requires the author's permission and in
order to obtain the corresponding authorization contact bengavarre@gmail.com or
gavarreunam@gmail.com (Reg. Prop. Int. Expte. Inbox)
Characters:
- Elisa: 40 years old, owner of the
old, traditional cafe "The Perfect Bite."
- Ricardo: Owner of "Cuaz
Corporation," a chain of buildings and franchises.
- Leo: The cafe's cook, a grumpy old
man.
- Three Warriors: Young
anti-gentrification activists.
(The scene takes place in "The Perfect
Bite," an old cafe with wooden chairs and marble tables. In the
background, the kitchen is visible. In the window, a neon sign for
"MacTonto's" with a cardboard hamburger is reflected. Leo is cleaning
dishes in the kitchen. The "open" sign is lit. There is a door in the
background that leads to a small room with a bed).
Scene I
(Leo and Elisa)
Leo:
(Shaking his head, as he polishes an old
cup)
It's not right, Elisa. You're ruining your
life. The neighbors upstairs have already sold and moved out, and the
"gastronomic experience" across the street already has six five-star
reviews, just because they offer dry, wet, and foamy milk... you saw... Even
the building's cat prefers their milk to ours! But you, you haven't wanted to
modernize! We only offer whole milk and whole milk with chocolate... We don't
have new customers, Elisa... and the regulars have either moved to another
neighborhood or simply died... Well, they also moved to another...
Elisa:
(Dressed in a pristine apron with her hair
tied in a tight bun)
I have no intention of modernizing
anything. Why? This is my business. And I'm going to keep it in the traditional
way.
Leo:
Well, it's a good thing the business is in
your name and you have your papers in order, because I've heard of several
cases where they force owners to sell, like it or not... And then they just put
up their Airbnbs... for real...
Elisa:
(With a clenched fist)
I'm asking you not to talk to me about
those things again! I refuse to become one of those soulless people who live in
an Airbnb. I have my house, but I sleep here in my place, which is my whole
life. The entire building has almost been sold or the owners were forced to
sell, but they will only get me out of here dead, do you hear me?
Leo:
Instead of talking like that, it would be
better if you made peace with "Cuaz Corporation," maybe they'll buy
it and then you can rent it...
Elisa:
What are you saying... I don't have to pay
rent for something that is mine... (Comically) It's mine, do you hear?
(A loud noise is heard coming from the
bathroom, glass breaking and a body falling... and a groan. It's the sound of
someone entering through a window).
Scene II
(Elisa, Ricardo, and the Warriors)
(Ricardo enters, in a lot of pain from the
fall from the bathroom window. His hair is a mess, his designer suit is
stained, and he has a black eye. Outside the cafe, we see the three United
Warriors who had been beating him and then chasing him... They are comically
furious behind the window, making gestures at him. Ricardo doesn't let go of a
blood-stained "Cuaz Corporation" brochure; his future hangs in the
balance).
Elisa:
(Agitated, to Ricardo)
And who are you and why do you think you
can enter my property! I demand an explanation!
Ricardo:
(With a superior tone, agitated and
demanding an explanation)
Ma'am, you know me, I'm Ricardo! I have
tried by all means for you to sell to me, don't pretend you don't know me...
And now, you've taken the side of violence, you sent those furious baboons to
beat me! You made those raggedy manatees start chasing me!
Elisa:
(Dryly, not looking at him)
What do you want?
Ricardo:
Your property, you know that. This is the
only building in the Cuaz chain that hasn't been sold completely. And all
because... of a stale coffee, some hard croissants... (He looks around with
contempt) ... an old-fashioned cave that doesn't yet know about smart,
digital... energy-saving lighting, with LED lights...
Elisa:
(With comical hostility)
Are you done yet, Mr.... Ricardi?
Ricardo:
You have become a thorn in the... You are
an annoying, old obstacle. Look, we already offered you five times the real
value of your junk... You know you have no other choice, everyone sells.
Elisa:
(To Leo)
Leo, offer this gentleman one of our
frapuchinos... and give him a slice of passion fruit pie (Leo nods and goes
into the kitchen).
(To Ricardo)
People come to my place for tradition,
because here we serve them with warmth.
Ricardo:
(Scoffs)
Yeah, I believe that... a warmth from the
20th century... You are
obsolete. I say this with all due respect, and even though you're very
beautiful. (He clears his throat for having said what he shouldn't have)
Tradition? This neighborhood has been taken over by youth! And young people
don't know and don't want to know anything about the past. For God's sake, even
your cook is as old as a Tibetan relic. This place no longer works in my
neighborhood! You don't even sell blonde coffee and wet coffee... Listen to me
carefully... Being a snob is not an excess at all... Being a snob has become a
privilege.
Elisa:
(With a mix of anger and fascination)
So you like me.
Ricardo:
Yes, I said it, but that has nothing to do
with it, that's another thing.
Elisa, well, look, Mr. Ricardi... You seem
like a caveman with money. You want to sell cardboard hamburgers from
MacTonto's and chicken full of estrogen and trans fats in my place. My coffee
is real. My cakes are real. My life is real. And it's authentic, it's from
here, from this, my neighborhood.
Ricardo:
(Approaches her, with a malicious smile)
You know... and I'm telling you this
without the slightest bit of respect... You are an old and old-fashioned mule.
I don't know how I could have come to like you... Your place is a horrendous
blemish in what is my global village! But anyway... at Cuaz Corporation we got
tired of waiting for you, so we've had to use other methods. We've had to take
other... measures...
(At that moment, the three Warriors enter
the cafe, with bats and banners that say: "NO TO GENTRIFICATION" and
"THE NEIGHBORHOOD IS NOT FOR SALE").
Warrior 1:
(Shouts)
Elisa, don't let yourself be fooled by this
malevolent, criminal, nauseating son of the Devil!
Warrior 2: (To Ricardo)
Old dog, pig, swine, scoundrel.
Warrior Girl:
We've been hunting him and right now we're
going to put him in his place, the trash!
(The sound of a cell phone is heard.
Ricardo smiles cynically. Ricardo answers and speaks as if he were talking to a
bank).
Ricardo:
Yes, yes, I have authorized the transfer.
Five million dollars. To Elisa's account. You say you verified her account?
Excellent... Yes, that's the name, Elisa del Campo. (He hangs up) You know...
it wasn't that difficult to find out your account number... (He turns to look
at Old Leo, who makes gestures of total incomprehension)... That's what happens
for not accepting credit cards... But at least you accept transfers, right,
Leo? (Leo puts his hand to his head. He realizes he was set up).
Elisa:
(Agitated)
But how dare you. You... You... The only
new customer... Bastard!
Ricardo:
Don't get agitated! You have already
received the deposit for the sale of your place! And you are obligated to
accept, you know? I have notified the transaction to the department of control
and supervision and my lawyers are ready to sue you if you refuse to comply
with the deal.
Elisa:
I don't believe a word you say. You are a
heartless man! A gentri... gentri... fier! Do you think you can do whatever you
want?
Ricardo:
(With cynicism)
Of course. How do you think business is
done if someone doesn't agree to negotiate? Excuse the... It's the law of the
market. You know? You either sell or I get you out of the way. There are those
two choices. Something very good can come out of all this... (Expressing his
attraction for Elisa again without wanting to) Now that you're rich maybe
you'll catch a husband who loves you just as beautiful and old-fashioned as you
are.
Elisa:
No, I don't accept it! I'm going to ask you
to leave this instant.
Leo:
(Comes out of the kitchen, with a large
chef's knife in his hand)
Elisa, don't let him go! I'm going to make
him back down and cancel his whole horrible trap!
Ricardo:
(With fury)
I have a whole team of lawyers on my side!
I'm leaving, but you two are going to have to get out of here faster than you
can imagine!
(Ricardo prepares to leave but the Warriors
intercept him).
Warrior 1:
(Sharp, powerful)
One moment! Enough of so much abuse and
rudeness! We will hold a summary trial against this heartless man!
Leo:
(With his knife)
And I will not let him go until he signs a
document admitting that the place is Elisa's!
(The warriors tie him to a chair. Ricardo
refuses, but Leo's knife and the Warriors' strength force him).
Ricardo:
(With a bitter laugh)
A trial? Against the free market? Please.
And after you tie me to the chair, what will you do? The deal is already
consummated. Consummatum est.
Warrior 2:
(Approaches with a clenched fist)
I don't like you. You and everyone like
you. Admit your crimes! Admit that gentrification is a moral crime!
Ricardo:
(He gets comfortable in the chair)
I admit there have been... excesses. Yes.
There are people who don't fit in. Their homes are sold and their shops are
replaced by things that no one needs but everyone wants. My lawyers take care
of the inconveniences. But I don't regret it. It's progress. The global village
is for those who build it, not for those who stay in the past.
Leo:
He's lying! He's lying like a vile snake!
Now sign this document! (He hands him a paper "made on the fly")
Ricardo:
(Checking the little paper with a
condescending air. With a dramatic sigh, as if surrendering to a whim)
At least you know the power of a signature,
you old cheater. Fine. I'll call my lawyers to desist from the attempt to buy
the place. And I'll sign. It's not the first time I've lost a battle, but I've
already won the war.
Warrior 1:
Good! And hand over your ID. Sign here, and
also here, on the margin... Very
good...
Ricardo:
(Signs, resigned and with mixed emotions.
They untie him from the chair and he tries to look less disheveled. Then he
looks at Elisa with intent)
I wish things could have been different,
Elisa. You... I like you and you know it.
Elisa:
(In a very comical tone)
Ah, ha, ha, ha... Well, I don't like you,
not at all. I'd rather marry Don Leo than think about joining a guy like you.
Leo:
(His eyes light up and he says, with a
smile)
Me...? Really?
(Everyone dies laughing at the
disproportionate proposal).
Blackout.
