My Fabulous Fifteenth Birthday
Characters:
Quinceañera (Miranda)
Waiter (Gustavo)
Host
Axel, the Barbarian
Cousin José Paz
Héctor, the Little Matador
Samsam, the Godmother
Act I
(On the proscenium, the Host.)
Host: Welcome to an event that defies belief! What you are about to see, ladies and gentlemen, is the crème de la crème of celebrations. Aristocratic families from the Toledo area have gathered to celebrate... our beloved Mirandita! On her spectacular fifteenth birthday, she will be presented to society, a radiant flower ready to be... well, you know... Let's welcome the incomparable... Mirandita!
(The curtain opens. An exaggerated, camp party hall. A pompous waltz plays, followed by the theme song "My Pretty Mirandita." From a trapdoor, amidst smoke and lights, Mirandita emerges on a throne. She wears a Scottish kilt and a t-shirt, with an emo/punk look. She sits uncomfortably and smiles falsely. Cousin José Paz approaches the foot of the throne.)
Host: Our brilliant singer, José Paz, will delight us with his unparalleled voice. A man of science and art... in his spare time, of course. Let's listen to his wonderful composition!
(Recorded applause.)
Cousin José Paz: (Sings, in a very serious style, the theme "My Pretty Mirandita"):
My pretty little girl,
Delicate as a stem.
What a beautiful and strange girl...
I... celebrate that she's here!
(Recorded applause.)
A Crazy Celebration
Host: Thank you, José Paz! Observe our quinceañera. Look at that smile, so... genuine. A true delight to behold.
(The Waiter Gustavo takes a picture of her with a cell phone. The Host checks his note cards.)
Host: We're told the photos will be sent via WhatsApp to her grandpa. A technological marvel, that man! And speaking of marvels, the happiness will be complete, as our quinceañera will receive a juicy inheritance.
(Samsam, the godmother, in an outlandish outfit, interrupts herself from eating.)
Samsam: That won't happen! If I don't want it to, none of that will happen! No gifts, no inheritance, nothing!
Host: (Nervously) Yes, yes, yes... No more bad omens, Godmother. Everything is under control.
Samsam: (Eats greedily.) Of course not! I've known her since she wore her first little dresses. I know exactly who she is. Come here, Mirandita... (She gives a false smile.) You'll be very happy with that fortune, but only if I allow it!
Host: (Changing the subject) Her mommy and daddy are stuck at the Cancun airport.
(The Waiter whispers something to him.)
Host: Oh, they weren't coming from the "Other World," but from the "Old World." What a relief! In the meantime, look at our godmother! Samsam and the food table, one is nothing without the other!
Samsam: (Gluttonous and threatening.) I like to eat, is that a problem?! I know something... and if you keep bothering me, I'm going to tell. Right, Mirandita?! And someone will be left without her juicy fortune...
Host: A round of applause for Samsam so she can keep eating!
(Recorded applause.)
Samsam: (Shouts.) I was her real mother! Her parents were always traveling and never took care of her. I bought her first little dress...
Host: (Interrupting.) We all wish for the quinceañera to have her first dance with the most handsome gentleman... He's almost here!
(Recorded applause. The Waiter Gustavo hands a note card to the Host.)
Host: Our fancy gentleman has arrived, the famous Héctor, the Little Matador! But, oh, look at this! Cousin José Paz is up to no good... He's lifting Mirandita's skirt and trying to look underneath!
Cousin José Paz: (Panting with mischief.) Mirandita! Let me see what you have there, I promise I won't tell anyone!
Host: The quinceañera holds her skirt with a grimace of anger. But, look! Uncle Axel, the Barbarian, is coming to her defense.
Axel, the Barbarian: Cousin José Paz! What are you doing, you animal?! Why are you bothering her?! Don't you know Miranda is mine?!
Host: Well, it seems we were wrong. He's not going to defend her.
Cousin José Paz: But you're her uncle! Are you bothering her too? That's... very, very...
Axel, the Barbarian: Very inappropriate!
Cousin José Paz: Exactly...
Samsam: (Approaches the throne.) And that wouldn't be the worst part.
Axel, the Barbarian: How not?
Host: What do you mean, Samsam?
Samsam: That bothering her like that isn't the worst thing, am I wrong, Axel?
Axel, the Barbarian: (Confused.) Well, that... very inappropriate.
Cousin José Paz: I just wanted to see if anything had changed. It's an open secret... that's why the prank.
The Matador's Song
(The Host receives a note card from the Waiter Gustavo.)
Host: The gentleman has arrived! Let's forget our conflicts and sing!
Cousin José Paz: (Sings with a huge smile.)
The gentleman has come,
a mustache and a cane,
ready for the party!
Oh, what excitement!
What excitement!
Let's dance, let's dance!
Let's dance!
(Recorded applause.)
The First Dance
Host: Straight from the Bullring, the famous Héctor, the Little Matador, arrives to dance with the quinceañera.
(Héctor, around 40, walks strangely. He wears a ridiculous suit of lights.)
Héctor, the Little Matador: Where is the beautiful, my lovely quinceañera? (Sings.)
Little princess, a flower in a bud,
I'll perform a bullfight of love for you...
With my bullfighter steps,
I'll give you... a great embrace!
Quinceañera: (Speaks for the first time, very angry.) Shut up! Who do you think you are? You're old and ugly. I love animals, not bullfighters!
Héctor, the Little Matador: (Tries to keep singing.)
I'll be yours, my soul.
I want your kisses...
Quinceañera: Go on, I dare you! I don't want anyone to lift my skirt. Besides... you have a sock in your pants! Look, everyone!
(Héctor, caught, hides the sock.)
Héctor, the Little Matador: Well... you've killed my mood. Who are you waiting for, little skinny girl?
Quinceañera: Don't call me little skinny girl!
Héctor, the Little Matador: I'm leaving. She doesn't want a prince, nor a matador...
Quinceañera: I don't want a prince.
Samsam: Maybe what the Quinceañera wants is not a godmother, but... a fairy godmother.
Quinceañera: Oh, godmother, you've gone crazy.
Samsam: I'll give you a trip to the jungle. You'll meet Tarzan.
Axel, the Barbarian: I'll be Tarzan! Uga Uga...
Host: (To the Waiter Gustavo.) You, what's with you, don't talk!
Gustavo: (To the side, under a spotlight.) Nobody seems to care. I feel lost. Do I need to be rescued?
(Sings.)
I'm the future, the future...
Am I going to vanish?
Will my life be different?
Will my future be happy?
Tell me!
Host: (Ignoring the waiter.) The problem is that the girl doesn't want to dance. And her parents haven't arrived.
Quinceañera: I don't want money, I don't want to be presented. Quinceañera dances are so old-fashioned! I just want to be respected.
Héctor, the Little Matador: See? She doesn't want anything! And I really don't like her.
Quinceañera: I want you to accept me for who I am. If my grandpa wants a party I don't want, someone help me get down!
Samsam: Stay there, precious. I'll be your fairy godmother. I have money.
Quinceañera: (Fixes her hair.) Fine, godmother. I'll stay. But it's not for your money.
Héctor, the Little Matador: I just want to get paid. I've been a gentleman for many years.
Quinceañera: It shows!
Héctor, the Little Matador: I'm only thirty-five!
The Revelation
Host: (Answers his cell phone.) Listen. It's Grandpa. He just told me he's very angry. He says he senses something bad. He's asking if she's been presented yet. He wants to see the photos right now! He feels very bad. He thinks they've hidden something from him. He says he dreamed something very ugly and that he hopes his grandson, his "Gabo," has behaved like a decent man. He's not going to wait any longer.
Quinceañera: Death?
Host: No... He says there will be no juicy inheritance! He says he knows everything and there will be no inheritance if she's not presented properly. I understand... I understand... But the party expenses, you're going to cover those, right? Deposit it right now. Very good, thank you. See you later! It's all settled. Well, "Mirandita"... your grandpa...
(The speakerphone makes the sound of a busy signal. A great silence fills the stage for the first time. Everyone looks stunned.)
Samsam: A curse! Ten years of bad luck!
Quinceañera: Stop it, godmother.
Samsam: Your father won't arrive. And there will be no dance with a gentleman!
Quinceañera: I didn't want one anyway!
Samsam: You won't be presented to society! And the whole world will know your secret.
Axel, the Barbarian: What secret?
(The Waiter, now Gustavo, arrives wrapped in a cloak. He hands a note card to the Host.)
Host: (Angrily.) What's wrong with you?
Gustavo: Read the note card.
Axel, the Barbarian: (Snatches the note card and reads it with theatrics.) Ladies and gentlemen!!! The guest of honor has arrived, the unexpected quinceañero! Behold!
The Real Celebration
(Gustavo removes his cloak and is wearing a simple suit. Recorded applause.)
Gustavo: (To the Quinceañera.)
Beautiful quinceañera,
I am not a prince,
nor a hero nor a fairy,
I am just a friend,
I want you to listen to me.
That's right, princess, I'm the boy you've been waiting for. I'm also turning fifteen and I want to dance with you.
Quinceañera: I like that... But I don't know you.
Héctor, the Little Matador: I can understand you. She treats me badly too.
Samsam: If you want to dance with the Quinceañera, you'll have to know her secret.
Quinceañera: I have no secrets! And don't call me Mirandita, I am Miranda!
Samsam: No, Mirandita, we all know that in reality, Mirandita is...
Host: Gabriel.
Gustavo: (Confused.) Gabriel, huh?
Quinceañera: I'm not Gabriel. I'm Miranda, that's my real name. I stopped using that name many years ago. I decided to call myself Miranda. Now I am Miranda.
(Sings.)
I am Miranda,
no labels.
I'm not a princess,
or a doll, or Mirandita.
I don't want dances,
or gentlemen,
or your money.
I just want my godmother
to love me very much,
and for you to respect me.
I'm just myself,
with my own decisions.
If you want to treat me well,
You have to respect me.
Gustavo: Miranda, I want to dance with you. I am Gustavo.
Quinceañera: (With a charming smile.) Well, nice to meet you, Gustavo. If you want, you can call me Mira.
Gustavo: Mira... Will you agree to dance with me?
(Everyone gets excited. The Host calls for music. A waltz plays.)
Quinceañera: (Shouts and stops the music.) Wait a minute!
Héctor, the Little Matador: I knew it! She won't dance.
Gustavo: We're both fifteen. Come on, get down from your throne and dance with me.
Quinceañera: I'm not a princess!
Héctor, the Little Matador: (Mockingly.) We already know that.
Gustavo: Leave her alone, leave Miranda alone.
Héctor, the Little Matador: (Imitates him.) "Leave her alone, leave Miranda alone." Now you like her?
Gustavo: (To Héctor.) Do you want me to use my fists to answer you?!
Héctor, the Little Matador: Ha, you're a nobody to me.
Quinceañera: I don't need anyone to defend me!
(Samsam grabs her broom and starts hitting Héctor with it.)
Host: That's it, Samsam!
Héctor, the Little Matador: This is abuse!
Quinceañera: (Gets down from her throne and takes the broom.) Shut up! Get your miserable life and leave!
Héctor, the Little Matador: Okay, okay, I'm leaving. Stop hitting me!
Gustavo: Leave him alone, Miranda. A sincere apology could fix everything.
Héctor, the Little Matador: Okay. I'm sorry for acting like that. I am.
Quinceañera: Hmm. I don't know. It doesn't sound sincere.
Héctor, the Little Matador: Forgive me, Miranda. You deserve the best, and I truly want this fifteenth birthday to be unforgettable.
Gustavo: He apologized. It was sincere.
Quinceañera: (To Gustavo.) Is that what you want? (Gustavo nods.) Fine. I forgive you.
Host: Bravo!
Quinceañera: So, is anyone going to dance at this party?
Gustavo: Only if you allow me this first dance.
Quinceañera: (Laughs, very kind and charming.) With pleasure, Gustavo. Let's dance!
(Everyone gets excited. They hug and approach the audience to thank them, as the recorded applause plays one last time.)
THE END
