Pastorela Godínez: The Corporate Messiah
por GAVARRE BENJAMIN
Characters:
Loki (The CEO): High energy, manic, fake Armani suit. Talks like he’s on 2x speed.
Bee (The HR Devil): Burnt out. Carries a heavy stack of papers. Passive-aggressive.
Gabriel (The Coach): Toxic positivity personified. blindinggly white teeth (or smile).
Maria: The Gossip Queen. Prioritizes lipstick over spreadsheets.
Gus: The Stomach. Always eating something crunchy.
Leo: The Cynic. Dead inside.
SCENE I
(The Office. Fast tempo. Electronic music pulses—like a tension headache. Loki paces furiously. Bee follows, dropping papers.)
LOKI: (Checking his watch) Deadline! Deadline! The "Big Boss" is coming! Where are the souls?! I mean... the Talent?!
BEE: (Struggling) Boss, the WiFi is down, the coffee machine exploded, and I can’t access LinkedIn!
LOKI: Excuses! This is a high-performance Hell! I need numbers! I need Q4 results!
BEE: Nobody wants to work here! They want "mental health days."
LOKI: Mental health? Weakness! I offer free pizza once a year! Is that not enough?!
BEE: They want money, boss. Real money. Not "emotional salary."
LOKI: Blasphemy! We need to steal the "Intern of the Year" before the competition gets him. Prepare the "Irresistible Offer"!
BEE: The one with the fake dental plan?
LOKI: The one with the Golden Handcuffs! We are going to crush their hopes and replace them with KPIs! Move, Bee, move! Time is money, and we are bankrupt!
(Loki exits running. Bee kicks a box in frustration and follows.)
SCENE II
(The Cubicles. Immediate transition. Gus is loudly crunching chips. Maria is aggressively typing on her phone. Leo stares at a blank screen.)
MARIA: (To phone) No, girl, I can’t talk. I’m "working." (To the room) Does my aura look stressed?
GUS: (Mouth full) Does anyone have salsa? My torta is dry.
LEO: Gus, you just ate a whole pizza.
GUS: That was a snack. This is lunch.
MARIA: Focus! The rumors are true. No bonus this year. Just a pat on the back and a branded pen.
LEO: I heard they’re replacing us with AI.
GUS: Can AI eat this sandwich? I don’t think so. I’m safe.
MARIA: And the new manager? They say he’s from... Corporate.
LEO: (Horrified) Not... Corporate.
(Lights flicker violently. A loud "DING!" sound effect. Gabriel (The Coach) jumps in—literally jumps—with a ring light shining on his face.)
GABRIEL: HELLO TEAM! Are we ready to manifest abundance?!
LEO: Oh god. Ideally, no.
GABRIEL: I sense negative vibes! Block them! Delete them! I bring news of great joy!
GUS: Is it food?
GABRIEL: Better! It is Synergy! A Star has appeared in the East Wing! Follow the light!
MARIA: The photocopier caught fire again?
GABRIEL: No! It is the beacon of the "Chosen Intern"! Follow me to enlightenment! And don’t forget to subscribe to my podcast!
(Gabriel marches out like a toy soldier. The Maintenance Guy walks past, bored, dragging a neon pink star.)
LEO: ...That was the star?
MARIA: It’s sparkly. I like it. Let’s go.
SCENE III
(The "Market/Nativity". The Nativity is a pile of boxes with a plastic Baby Jesus wearing a tie. Loki and Bee pop up from behind a desk like sharks.)
LOKI: Welcome, "Associates"! Looking for the perfect gift?
MARIA: Who are you?
LOKI: I am your Career Path! Look at this! (Bee holds up a shiny plastic badge) The "Manager" badge!
MARIA: (Gasps) It’s... plastic!
BEE: (Holding up a Tupperware) And for you... the Eternal Tupperware. It never smells like old onions.
GUS: (Drooling) It’s beautiful...
LOKI: All I need... is your signature. Right here. In blood. Or red ink. Doesn’t matter.
LEO: This feels like a scam.
GABRIEL: (Entering with a megaphone) STOP! Don’t sign! It’s a trap!
LOKI: Back off, Coach! They want success!
GABRIEL: They want inner peace! And mindfulness!
LOKI: I offer a corner office!
GABRIEL: I offer a standing desk!
LOKI: Company car!
GABRIEL: Casual Fridays!
GUS: (Shouting) I WANT CAKE!
(Silence. Everyone looks at Gus.)
LOKI: (To Gus) I can get you cake.
GABRIEL: (To Gus) I can get you... gluten-free, vegan cake?
GUS: (Disgusted) Ugh. Devil cake it is.
LEO: Wait. Look at the Intern. (Points to the plastic baby). He doesn't care about the car or the vegan cake. He’s just... chilling.
MARIA: You know... Leo is right. I don’t want the badge. It clashes with my outfit.
GUS: And I actually brought my own lunch.
LOKI: What?! You’re rejecting the offer?! But... the Q4 projections!
BEE: (Dropping the papers) You know what, boss? I quit. I’m going to become a TikToker.
LOKI: NOOO! My retention rates! (Loki runs off crying).
GABRIEL: (Smiling nervously) Well! Good mindset shift! Let’s celebrate with a team-building exercise!
LEO: No. Let’s celebrate with a song. But make it festive. And in English, so we feel international.
MARIA: Hit it!
FINAL SCENE: The Carol
(The mood shifts instantly to a Broadway finale. High energy. Clapping.)
ALL: (Singing loud and fast)
[Tune: Jingle Bells]
Dashing through the snow
In a one-horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way!
Bells on bobtails ring
Making spirits bright
What fun it is to ride and sing
A sleighing song tonight!
CHORUS:
Oh! Jingle bells, jingle bells,
Jingle all the way!
Oh what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh, hey!
Jingle bells, jingle bells,
Jingle all the way!
Oh what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh!
(The music transitions to "We Wish You a Merry Christmas". They put arms around each other's shoulders, swaying exaggeratedly.)
ALL:
We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas
And a Happy New Year!
GUS: (Solo, shouting)
NOW BRING US SOME FIGGY PUDDING!
ALL:
NOW BRING US SOME FIGGY PUDDING!
AND A CUP OF GOOD CHEER!
LOKI: (Peeking back in)
...Is there any pudding left for me?
ALL:
NO!
(Gus grabs a stick. A piñata descends.)
GUS: DALE! DALE! DALE!
(Gus smashes the piñata in one hit. Candy explodes everywhere. Freeze frame jump.)
THE END.
