Love, Desire, Cheese, and Apples
Act I: The Maiden and the Knight
Characters:
Doncella: A young, dreamy maiden, but with a sharp wit.
Vil Caballero: An arrogant, grandiloquent, and quite clumsy knight.
Dulce Doncel: A tender, innocent, and somewhat naive young man.
Scene: An idyllic meadow. Sun, clouds. A sheep, some shrubs. The Doncella is plucking the petals of a daisy.
Doncella: My doncel loves me. My beautiful doncel is mine, he loves me. He is my brother, my friend. My provider of water, my provider of cheese. I love my doncel and he loves his doncella. He loves me, he is mine, and I am his.
(The Vil Caballero arrives on his prop horse. He is tall and strong.)
Vil Caballero: (Pompously) I desire you. Yes! I wish to kiss you and possess you because you are… like a herd of colts. You make my spirit rise, you make my stallion neigh. My heart elevates to two hundred and fifty beats per minute! My…
Doncella: Yes, yes, yes, enough! Enough! I understood. But let me tell you: that is not going to happen. Two hundred and fifty beats? I am no cardiologist, sir.
Vil Caballero: And if you were to grab my leg, it would rise to three hundred and fifty!
Doncella: (Coldly) I will NOT grab anything of yours. I am not interested in your pulses. Go in peace, sir, and let me enjoy my love for my beautiful doncel.
Vil Caballero: (Indignant) So that's how it is? You, my village girl of a thousand skirts…!
Doncella: Seven are my skirts, not a thousand.
Vil Caballero: Seven. A thousand. Whatever you wish. I shall take them all from you, for my delight.
Doncella: For my delight, keep going on your way. These skirts, all seven, are for my sweet doncel, not for you.
Vil Caballero: Do you not realize that I am a knight with a great savage stallion, a castle, entire halls, these gloves, and this sword? I have, I have, I have!
Doncella: Oh, that's nice. You know? The only thing your distinguished person knows how to say is "I have, I have, I have." And I am not interested. What, are you going to force me with that sword? That would not be very knightly.
Vil Caballero: (He removes his sword and puts it in a saddlebag.) I am a knight without defense! Without a sword and without gloves. I am yours, doncella. What more do you want?
Doncella: Nothing, sir. I am content with the love of my beautiful doncel.
Vil Caballero: (Sarcastically) Ah, the doncel who has no name? Did you not say that you also speak of having?
Doncella: He does have a name! But the difference, friend, is that I have him and he has me. We have each other. It is mutual.
Vil Caballero: Oh, how lovely.
Doncella: Isn't it? Now, if you have nothing else to say to me, please, you and your savage horse, go away from here.
Vil Caballero: In addition to being as beautiful as a great dairy cow, you are a cunning vixen!
Doncella: Cow? Vixen? Are those your compliments? I beg you, sir, take a course on sweet-talk, and when you reach the fifth grade, use them on someone else, for I only want my handsome doncel.
Vil Caballero: Yes, yes, the nameless doncel. I am leaving. I must remind you, a little humility and courtesy would not hurt such a voluptuous and wide girl.
Doncella: Voluptuous and wide! May God forgive you! Go with God, sir. And do not forget the course.
Vil Caballero: I will. But I shall return.
Doncella: And I will not wait for you. Goodbye.
Vil Caballero: Goodbye, doncella, magnificent as a pear in its own juice.
Doncella: A pear in its own juice! Goodbye!
(The knight leaves. The Dulce Doncel arrives on his prop donkey.)
Doncel: Eh, sweet doncella! What did that villainous knight who just left tell you?
Doncella: Nothing important. He is more of a clod than a villain. He asked me for directions.
Doncel: Directions in the meadow?
Doncella: He made advances toward me with great clumsiness.
Doncel: My blood boils! I will beat him to a pulp if he returns!
Doncella: You are very sweet, my friend, but it is not necessary. He is a dolt. But tell me, do you bring my water and my apples?
Doncel: And also all the love I have for you.
Doncella: (She extends one of her skirts like a tablecloth. She sits.) I love being close to you, on one of my skirts.
Doncel: And I, sweet doncella, feel the urge to give you all the apples on earth and all the fresh water.
Doncella: And I go crazy for your fresh water and your juicy apples.
Doncel: I also brought you cheese.
Doncella: I will put it between my breasts.
Doncel: It is fresh cheese.
Doncella: It will be preserved better between my breasts.
Doncel: And I brought you… a mushroom.
Doncella: Only one?
Doncel: I found it in the field. It is unique.
Doncella: (She looks at it, mesmerized.) Will it be good?
Doncel: If it is good for you, it is good for me.
Doncella: (She takes it.) I will keep it between my breasts.
Doncel: (Excited) Sweet Doncella, your words have made me want to dance.
Doncella: Then let's dance. I hear music unlike any other.
Doncel: Me too!
Doncella: It's the same. Let's dance! I would like to dance “The Little Mill.”
Doncel: I like “The Little Mill.” And I brought you this crown of flowers.
Doncella: You make me happy. (She puts it on.) And, tell me, Dulce Doncel, do you know how to dance “On a Single Foot”?
Doncel: By my life, I do! Forward or backward?
Doncella: How nice! Now, spin your head.
Doncel: I love that one! (He spins his head.) Like this?
Doncella: Beautiful doncel, do you know how to do “The Head That Spins”?
Doncel: By my mother's soul, I certainly do! Is this good?
Doncella: And what about the one with arms up and legs bent?
Doncel: Eh… I do not know that dance.
Doncella: It doesn't matter. Let's go back to "The Little Mill." Or "The Farandole."
(They dance. After a while, they sit down to eat.)
Doncel: We could eat a little of the cheese you have between your breasts.
Doncella: And after, a little fresh water.
Doncel: And after, a little fresh water.
Doncella: (She gives him an apple.) Take it. It's for your journey.
Doncel: For my journey? You no longer want me by your side?
Doncella: For now, it is better that you go to the village. I will catch up with you. I have to look after the sheep.
Doncel: And what if the knight returns?
Doncella: I can defend myself. With my crook, I can hit him. Go calmly.
Doncel: (Bravely) I am staying! I do not want that brute to bother you. I will fight him with my strength. I will beat him to a pulp! I am rough, I am skilled.
Doncella: Yes, yes, my love. Everyone knows that. You are brave. But for now, it is better that you go to the village.
Doncel: (He mounts his donkey.) I am leaving, I am leaving.
Doncella: Goodbye, my little brother.
Doncel: Goodbye, my little sister.
Doncella: Goodbye.
Doncel: I will see you soon.
Doncella: See you later.
Doncel: I adore you more.
Doncella: Go on, my friend, go quickly, and we will miss each other more.
Doncel: Goodbye, my beloved.
Doncella: Goodbye.
(The Dulce Doncel exits the stage. The Doncella hums. She takes the mushroom from between her breasts and eats it with fascination. Her expression changes. She seems mesmerized. She stands completely still.)
Act II: The Knight's Affront
(The lighting changes. The Vil Caballero arrives, without gloves and without a sword. He circles around the Doncella. She does not react. He speaks to the audience.)
Vil Caballero: (Secretly) I do not understand why the Dulce Doncella cannot love me. I am a good catch. I am a knight. I have a castle. And I am not ugly. Let no one doubt it! I am sexy and handsome.
(Pause)
Vil Caballero: Doncella! Why do you not listen to me? I have returned without defense. I want to take you to my castle. I will teach you many things. I have been practicing beautiful words. Listen: "Your blouse, I love it. And your chin. And your throat… and your breasts…”
(He stops. He thinks.)
Vil Caballero: Or better yet: "I want to be close to your side. And grab you by the sides. To be on top… or underneath… No, that is not right…". "If I kiss you on the mouth, you will want to be my friend." I read it in a book!
(He looks at her closely.)
Vil Caballero: What is wrong? You are as if asleep. It seems that… aha! Some dream goblin possesses you. This is not so bad. I can take advantage of the opportunity. I will play a trick on her.
Vil Caballero: (He gets close and whispers in her ear.) Doncella… Dulce Doncella…
(The Doncella repeats "Doncella..." like an echo.)
Vil Caballero: Very well! Repeat after me: "I am in love with the Knight."
Doncella: (In a trance) ...in love with the Knight.
Vil Caballero: "I adore everything the knight says, he is a great seducer."
Doncella: ...a great seducer.
Vil Caballero: "I am going to his castle, because he is very handsome and sexy."
Doncella: ...very handsome and sexy.
Vil Caballero: "I will do everything he asks of me. I promise."
Doncella: ...everything he asks of me. I promise.
Vil Caballero: “And now I am going to give him a little kiss.”
(The Doncella remains silent. He insists.)
Vil Caballero: A little kiss! A kiss!
(She still does not repeat it. The knight gets frustrated.)
Vil Caballero: I see! You do not want to repeat it. Well, even if you do not want to… I am the one who is going to give you a little kiss!
(The knight begins to kiss her. She struggles, trying to wake from her trance.)
Doncella: (Confused) No, leave me! This is an affront. Help!
Vil Caballero: You brought this upon yourself. You gave me no hope and now…
Doncella: (Waking up) I never gave you hope! Where are you, Dulce Doncel, come quickly!
(The Dulce Doncel peeks out from behind a bush, angry and scared.)
Vil Caballero: Your doncel is not here. And even if he were, he is so weak he could do nothing.
(The Doncel, brave, comes out from his hiding spot and confronts the knight.)
Doncel: Finish it now, villain! Do you not know who I am? I am her lover and I will end you and your vile actions!
Vil Caballero: Do not make me laugh, boy. You are as weak as a flower.
Doncel: (Punching the air) Who are you calling a flower? I will show you the power of my blows!
Vil Caballero: I know fencing and boxing. You are a weak twig.
Doncel: (He gives him quick, but weak punches.) I declare you my enemy! I am ready to finish you!
Vil Caballero: (He receives the blows with annoyance.) You are tiring me out. This is my first warning.
Doncel: First warning? Will there be others?
(The knight gives him a hard slap. And another. And another. The boy falls to the ground, defeated.)
Doncel: (Crying) Oh, oh, oh, woe is me! I swear I will finish you!
(The Doncella, with the screams, fully wakes up and confronts the knight.)
Doncella: How dare you, scoundrel! Soulless monster! Villain!
Vil Caballero: You are mistaken! I am not from the village, I am of noble lineage. All you have in your favor is your youth and… your wide hips.
Doncella: (Threateningly) How dare you speak to me that way! I will teach you manners!
Vil Caballero: Will you hit me too? You cannot, not even by combining your strength with your little friend's.
Doncella: Then get lost. You will not receive blows, but you will receive our contempt.
Vil Caballero: I am leaving. Your contempt hurts me. I am a sensitive knight.
Doncella: Go away! You are a lout. A lazy bum. You are not worth the saliva that escapes my mouth when I talk to you.
Vil Caballero: (Whining) All that! I am a sensitive knight. To show my goodwill, I would like to invite you both to my castle, not just you, sweet doncella, but also you, my valiant doncel.
Doncella: What a way to lie and feign pain and sympathy.
Doncel: You would not take us to the castle if you were not planning a dirty trick, you vile knight.
Vil Caballero: A stratagem, you say, gentle friend? Far be it from me to have such a thought that causes you distrust. I assure you, inviting both of you would be my joy. I would introduce you to my mother, the duchess, and to my deceased father, whose living portrait hangs in the family hall. What's more, to you, gentle youth, I would bestow a horse so you could provide the Doncella with not just apples and fresh water, but also wine from the castle and various meats and stews. To you, sweet doncella, I would gift dresses of Flanders cotton and shoes with pink ribbons and combs… and more skirts for you... What do you think?
Doncel: (Enthusiastically) Really? A horse for me! And skirts and shoes for you, Dulce Doncella! He might deserve a chance!
Doncella: I don't know... so suddenly, he shows friendship?
Vil Caballero: My castle is ready. Come, both of you!
Doncella: (To the Doncel) Strange, isn't it? A horse for you…
Doncel: It's a horse! Nobody gives you a colt these days!
Doncella: (To the Caballero, in a seductive tone) What are you hiding behind this generous invitation? You wouldn't want to lock my doncel up and then… show me the rooms… light the lamps… take off each of my seven skirts… take my waist… kiss my neck… lightly squeeze my throat…?
Vil Caballero: (Also excited) That was what I wanted!
Doncella: I am a burning flesh! A fire of youthful madness! Speak to me, speak to me, my lustful knight! What would you do to me?
Vil Caballero: (Clumsily) I would grab you by the side. And by the knees. And I would pinch you on the knees… and I would pull your toes. Both of them!
Doncella: Only that? I know you can be more creative.
Vil Caballero: I… I… I would take off your seven skirts, I would kiss your neck, I would squeeze your throat…
Doncel: (Jealous) Hey, hey! Have you not forgotten a detail?
Vil Caballero: (Confused) No. I don't think so.
Doncel: Yes! You forgot that I would also be in the bedroom. Watching you pull my sister's toes, and kiss her, and squeeze her throat.
Vil Caballero: (Nervously) Uh… no, no, no. That had not occurred to me, but if you wish…
Doncel: (Terrified) No, no! I am not yet prepared for such invitations!
Vil Caballero: (Coldly) There is no invitation, Doncel. Isn't that right, Doncella?
Doncella: (Disenchanted) No. We are not going anywhere. Forget it.
Vil Caballero: You no longer want to play? We were doing so well!
Doncella: I have grown cold! You have lost your chance. I belong to my little brother. I will stay with my sweet doncel. Go away!
Vil Caballero: But you have set me on fire! You cannot leave me like this!
Doncel: (Boastfully) You heard her! She doesn't think so, and neither do I. Goodbye!
Doncella: Go away now!
Vil Caballero: Do you think you can leave me like this? I offered you dresses, shoes, and a colt!
Doncel: I don't want it anymore. My love for my friend is greater.
Doncella: You cannot buy our love.
Vil Caballero: Love? You are the one who sparked my passion and now you will pay, whether you want to or not!
(The knight lunges at the Doncella. He throws her to the ground and tries to overpower her.)
Doncella: Leave me, you villainous knight, leave me, or you will regret it! (To the Doncel) Help, my friend! Hit him!
(The Doncel grabs the crook and begins to hit the knight.)
Doncel: This is as far as you go! Pay for your affront!
(The knight gets up, dodging the blows.)
Vil Caballero: You hit me from behind! How low of you, peasant!
(The Doncella climbs onto the knight's back and grabs his hair.)
Doncella: Hit him hard, my friend! Do not let him abuse us!
Vil Caballero: (Whining) Me, abuse? When you are both attacking me! Enough! No more blows, I am leaving! I promise not to return!
(The Doncella takes the crook from the Doncel's hands and begins to hit the knight.)
Doncella: You will not leave without an apology!
Vil Caballero: Enough of the blows! I said I am leaving!
Doncella: You will not leave until you apologize sincerely!
Vil Caballero: I will not. It is not necessary.
Doncella: "Wicked woman?" You tried to abuse me.
Doncel: That's true. You crossed the line with my friend, the sweet doncella, and with me.
Vil Caballero: With you, I never crossed the line... or did I?
Doncel: It's a manner of speaking... yes, you slapped me.
Vil Caballero: I gave you slaps, that is true. Did it hurt?
Doncel: We both await an apology, a sincere apology, sir.
Vil Caballero: I don't know. Perhaps I abused my extraordinary strength.
Doncella: That is true. We live peacefully in this quiet place and you have come to interrupt our joyful friendship. We expect you to apologize to both of us.
Doncel: We are all ears.
Vil Caballero: Truly, sweet doncella. Nameless doncel. I must admit that I have crossed the line and that I always wanted to obtain by force what was denied to me from the beginning, and I have been very rude and annoying to both of you, although it was all against my will.
Doncella: And?
Vil Caballero: And what else? It seems to me that that is enough.
Doncel: I agree. For me, that is enough.
Doncella: Really? It doesn't seem so to me. You don't seem very sincere. Do it again.
Doncel: Very well, do it again. Apologize.
Vil Caballero: All right... I will... I'm sorry, Doncella, I'm sorry, sweet Doncel. I hope you can forgive my excesses and that we can be at peace from now on. Doncel... Doncella, I offer you my most sincere apologies.
Doncella: Apologies accepted.
Doncel: The apologies are indeed accepted.
Doncella: Go in peace to your castle.
Doncel: To your castle go in peace.
Vil Caballero: (Incredulous) How? After so many apologies, you will not be a little friendlier... to me?
Doncel: Will you say again that you are sensitive and all that?
Vil Caballero: Well, I must confess that I am. We could share a little food here, if you agree.
Doncella: Is that what you want?
Vil Caballero: I say, if you like.
Doncel: For me, the knight is welcome. You could, my doncella, lay out some of your skirts for three, and we have apples and cheese and fresh water.
Doncella: (She extends two skirts.) If that is the case… it does not seem bad to me.
Act III: The Happy Ending
(The three of them sit. They eat. The knight tries an apple. The three of them are silent.)
Vil Caballero: This is… magnificent. I am glad we were able to reconcile.
Doncel: I agree with that.
Doncella: And I am of the same opinion.
Doncel: It is very true.
Doncella: Indeed, it is.
(Long pause. Idyllic music is heard. The knight, a little uncomfortable, gets up.)
Vil Caballero: Well, it has been a pleasure. I will retire. I wish you a good afternoon if you stay.
Doncella: You're leaving already?
Vil Caballero: I am leaving now.
Doncel: It has truly been very pleasant. Goodbye, Knight, I hope to see you again soon.
Vil Caballero: It will be, truly, gentle youth. It will be. Doncella, I hope you greatly enjoy such kind company.
Doncella: It will be, good knight, it will be.
Vil Caballero: Well, I am leaving now, goodbye.
Doncel: Goodbye.
Doncella: Goodbye.
(They watch him leave, nostalgically. Rhythmic music is heard. The volume increases.)
Doncel: Listen, doncella, do you hear the music now?
Doncella: Music, it's true, I can hear it now.
(The music is cheerful and rhythmic. The Dulce Doncel gets up and begins to dance.)
Doncel: It's wonderful music. Here I am, sweet doncella, do you want to dance with me?
Doncella: (She gets up.) Dancing with you is always a pleasure, my beloved. Let's dance.
Doncel: Let's dance, sweet doncella, let's dance together.
Doncella: You dance very well, my sweet friend, you do it very, very well.
Doncel: You too, my friend, you too.
(They kiss and remain embracing and kissing each other while the music plays and the lighting represents a beautiful sunset.)
The End
