The Swordsmen
An original one-act play by Ben Gavarre
Characters:
Maravedí
Beltrán
Narrator
PROLOGUE
The Narrator enters, dressed as a character from Shakespearean theatre, but with modern fabrics, colours and accessories.
Narrator. — Ah, woe is me! Those who have charged me with recounting the tale of these two shall face my displeasure! For as you know, or perhaps you don't given their persistent… well, never mind. Suffice it to say, we have before us two figures of some renown with a blade: Zafir and… no, wait. Agenón? Blast it all. Their names once echoed throughout the realm, yet the true nature of their enduring feud remained a puzzle.
Behind a large screen covered with translucent fabric, we glimpse the silhouettes of the swordsmen, supposedly awaiting their cue. Occasionally, a head or arm might pop into view. We can often discern their general posture and hear their muttered exchanges.
Voice 1 (Maravedí). — He's done it again, the twit! Zafir and Agenón? Honestly. Someone ought to have a word.
Voice 2 (Beltrán). — I rather fancy the sound of Zafir and Agenón myself. Let's just leave it for tonight. We can set him straight next time.
Voice 1 (Maravedí). — Oi, Narrator! It’s Beltrán and Maravedí. Maravedí and Beltrán. Get it right, or there’ll be trouble!
Narrator. — My apologies, let me just check my notes. Ah yes, my mistake. As I was saying, Beltrán and Maravedí were two rather perplexing swordsmen. Their reputations preceded them in every corner of the land, yet the reason for their constant clashes remained… well, a topic of much speculation.
Voice 1 (Maravedí). — He's at it again with the 'perplexing' nonsense! And he said it before, you know. Sounds a bit daft, doesn't it? Truth be told, our so-called rivalry isn't much of a mystery at all. We simply thrive on a bit of a challenge and a good scrap.
Voice 2 (Beltrán). — Aye, we do like a good fight.
At that moment, Beltrán and Maravedí step out from behind the screen and immediately engage in a spirited (and rather clumsy) fencing match, punctuated by colourful insults.
Beltrán. — You blithering idiot!
Maravedí. — You simpleton!
Beltrán. — You absolute buffoon!
Maravedí. — Oh, are we trading insults now? Well, you’re a complete and utter twit!
Beltrán. — Am I? Well, you’re a bigger twit, you stuck-up git!
Maravedí. — You laughing stock!
Beltrán. — No, you’re the laughing stock!
Pause.
Maravedí. — Remind me, why are we even cross with each other?
Beltrán. — Can’t say I recall. You started it.
Maravedí. — Fancy getting on with the play then?
Beltrán. — Suits me down to the ground.
Maravedí. — Right, let’s get on with it.
They retreat behind the screen, their mock battle continuing.
Voice 2 (Beltrán). — See? Much easier when we’re not slinging insults.
Voice 1 (Maravedí). — Still an idiot, though.
Voice 2 (Beltrán). — You called me an idiot! Well, you're the idiot! Honestly. This deserves a proper duel.
Voice 1 (Maravedí). — Is that so, you daft sod?
Loud clashes and metallic sounds emanate from behind the screen, accompanied by the occasional strange thud.
Narrator. — Our heroes, er, Beltrán and Maravedí, were locked in perpetual conflict. Duels were their constant pastime. Day in, day out.
Voice 2 (Beltrán). — We've told you, it's Beltrán and Maravedí! Honestly, this bloke’s a bit thick, isn’t he?
Voice 1 (Maravedí). — Just leave him to it. He's a hopeless narrator and he'll come a cropper eventually for his blunders. You’ll see, he’ll get his comeuppance for all his gaffes.
Narrator. — (Clears throat, correcting himself) Beltrán and Maravedí were indeed two renowned swordsmen. Their names resonated throughout the kingdom, yet the precise cause of their enduring animosity remained a topic of some… discussion. They frequently engaged in earth-shattering duels, though the underlying reasons for their bitter feelings were never truly known. Some whispered of an ancient curse, others simply attributed it to their inherent natures.
Voice 2 (Beltrán). — There he goes again with the ‘discussion’ nonsense. This narrator’s no good, we need a new one.
Voice 1 (Maravedí). — Well, I don’t necessarily agree.
Voice 2 (Beltrán). — You never do.
Voice 1 (Maravedí). — Hang on… I’m feeling a bit put out by that remark.
Voice 2 (Beltrán). — Are you now?
Voice 1 (Maravedí). — This calls for a duel!
Voice 2 (Beltrán). — Wouldn't have it any other way! On guard, you scoundrel!
Narrator. — They faced each other in open fields, in the hushed stillness of forests, in legendary cities. Each encounter was a spectacle, a lethal ballet of steel and agility. Yet, despite their evident skills, neither could ever definitively claim victory over the other.
Voice 1 (Maravedí). — Enough, Narrator! I have bested my opponent on countless occasions!
Narrator. — It must be noted that… one of them has claimed victory over the other numerous times.
Voice 1 (Maravedí). — You’ve done it again! We’re not Zafir and Agenón, we’re…
Voice 2 (Beltrán). — Beltrán and Maravedí… And what he’s saying is codswallop! I’m the one who’s trounced him time and again! He’s all puffed up with his fancy moves; I’m the genuinely brave and dashing one!
Narrator. — It must be noted that Beltrán, or perhaps… Maravedí… Look, I’m completely lost now! Who is Maravedí and who is… the other one?
Voice 1 (Maravedí). — Are you simple? Honestly! You’re going to end up with your head on a spike!
Voice 2 (Beltrán). — We need to go out there and tell him. Come on, let’s explain who we are.
Voice 1 (Maravedí). — No, better if he comes to us.
Voice 2 (Beltrán). — Even better, we just start our scene and he can simply announce us.
Voice 1 (Maravedí). — Oi, you dim-witted narrator! Get over here! We’ll explain it to you.
Narrator. — (Shouting) No need! I’ve got it, I think! I’ll just announce you and then you can come on stage, alright?
Voice 1 (Maravedí). — Oh, very well then. Fine.
Narrator. — This is the story of two great swordsmen. Despite their remarkable abilities, neither could ever gain a lasting advantage over the other. One day, as they prepared for yet another encounter… one of these skilled combatants… named… well… pay very close attention… Here we go…
The Narrator exits.
Lights fade to black.
Scene 1
Tense music plays.
The murmur of an excited crowd can be heard.
Beltrán enters, a nimble swordsman with cape and sword. He moves backwards cautiously.
Beltrán. — (To Maravedí, who is still offstage) Ah, you treacherous fiend! You think that by cornering me in this fashion you have me beat?
Maravedí strides onto the stage. With fierce intent, he immediately lunges at Beltrán with his sword. The crowd responds with an excited roar.
Maravedí. — Get thee behind me, Beltrán Beltranejo! For that is all you are capable of: retreating like a spineless cur because you possess no true skill in the noble art of swordsmanship!
Beltrán expertly deflects Maravedí’s aggressive attacks.
Beltrán. — Now you get thee behind me! Back off, you oaf! You clearly haven’t the foggiest what ‘get thee behind me’ even means! Just back off!
Maravedí. — The one who knows nothing is you, Beltrán Beltranejo! I, unlike you, actually went to school! ‘Get thee behind me’ doesn’t simply mean ‘back off’, it implies a strategic withdrawal. “Move to the rear.” Precisely as I am now instructing you to do!
Beltrán. — What’s that supposed to mean?
Maravedí. — What do you mean, “what’s that supposed to mean?”
Beltrán. — What?
Maravedí. — (Strikes him with his sword) Like so! I have delivered a riposte!
Beltrán. — (Unfazed) A riposte, you say?
Maravedí. — A riposte, I declare! One that has found its mark on your surprisingly sturdy frame!
Beltrán. — Still not feeling anything.
Maravedí. — Well, I’ve definitely connected! I can clearly see you are… well, something’s amiss.
Beltrán. — Can’t be that serious.
Maravedí. — Indeed it is! Some… decorative ribbons appear to have become detached from your… attire.
Beltrán. — Nonsense!
Maravedí. — Not at all! Behold! Crimson ribbons! Ribbons as red as the very flames of passion! A passion unrestrained, a passion that reaches for the very heavens!
Beltrán. — Calm yourself, my esteemed opponent! Don’t come at me with all that flowery language! Nobody, I assure you, nobody wants to hear your saccharine verses!
Maravedí. — And why then do you describe them as saccharine?
Beltrán. — It’s just a figure of speech. A manner of speaking, if you will.
Maravedí. — Ah, I see! A purely rhetorical flourish.
Beltrán. — Eh?
Maravedí. — What do you mean, “eh?”
Beltrán. — Are we here to have a natter about semantics, or are we going to have a proper go at it?
Maravedí. — (Delivers another strike) Enough of your envious prattling! Take this! A masterfully executed thrust! Now, admit that I have bested you in fair combat!
Beltrán. — I’m not having any of that! You cheated! And you’re trying to bamboozle me with your fancy words!
Maravedí. — It’s simply how I articulate myself! It’s hardly my fault if your comprehension is somewhat… limited.
Beltrán. — Right, right, stop your insults! You know I’ve always been the stronger… and braver… alright. I concede the round to you.
Maravedí. — Don’t be so magnanimous! I won fair and square!
Beltrán. — Perhaps I am being rather too… generous. Whatever. But in that case, I demand a rematch!
Maravedí. — You know I’m always game for another bout! But first, old chap, attend to that… dislodged ribbon.
Beltrán. — No need for that! Heroes such as myself simply allow minor… cosmetic adjustments to occur naturally. We are resilient! We are… well, considerably more robust than your average fellow!
Maravedí. — Then, shall we say, in three days hence?
Beltrán. — A date!
Maravedí. — No, no, not a date! Good heavens! An agreement!
Beltrán. — Right you are! Sorted!
Maravedí. — Precisely! An agreement. Until then, sir!
Beltrán. — Until then, indeed. You.
The swordsmen exit and disappear behind the screen.
Interlude
The lighting shifts to represent dusk, followed by a brief blackout, then re-emerges as bright sunlight.
The Narrator shuffles onto the stage.
Narrator. — From their earliest years, these two gentlemen displayed a marked inclination towards… spirited disagreements and a fondness for fisticuffs. They resided within the same kingdom and shared a mutual enthusiasm for… vigorous pursuits.
(Consults his notes)
And so… the precise nature of their rivalry remained a matter of… ongoing debate. From a tender age… Yes. It must be acknowledged that little is definitively known about their early lives. Yes, indeed. They certainly grew up within the same realm… And no, they were not siblings, although they were seldom seen apart. They were not of royal lineage, yet they consistently received the finest tutelage. Well, one of them certainly attended formal schooling. The other… also benefited from… instruction in the finer points of combat. In fact, both were adept with a blade from a young age. They were not part of the immediate royal family… That is to say, they were not sons of the King, yet the King held them in considerable regard. He was most fond of them and offered them his protection.
The King bestowed his favour upon them, and they matured together, though they hailed from different parentage. No, their parentage remains somewhat… obscure. Nevertheless, the King ensured they received an exemplary education… And as previously mentioned, the underlying cause of their animosity was a matter of speculation, or perhaps not so much, as they demonstrably enjoyed a good challenge and a bit of a scrap. They were perpetually bickering, yet invariably in each other’s company, and no, they were not brothers… despite their constant companionship… And… And shall we proceed with the subsequent scene, assuming you are all in agreement? Excellent. We shall continue.
Thank you.
Scene 2
Maravedí enters and begins to spar with an imaginary opponent.
Maravedí. — Ah, you villainous Beltrán! So you skulk away from me, do you? You know you are behaving like a craven coward by failing to meet me for our agreed-upon duel!
Ha! Ha! Ha! I shall disfigure your features! Observe as I cleanly sever your nose! Witness as I slice your cheek with the keen edge of my blade! Ah, sir! You have brought dishonour upon me by your absence! We had an arrangement! How could you possibly break your solemn word? Beltrán! Attend me! Your presence is required! For I intend to engage you in a vigorous exchange of swordplay! Ahem. Indeed! My greatest desire is for you to present yourself so that I may sever your head with my trusty steel! Thus! Thus I shall cut you down! I shall render your face unrecognisable! I shall deliver a thrust! And another! And yet another! And the assembled throng erupts with fervent applause! They cheer my triumph over you!
(The sound of a wildly cheering crowd is briefly heard, then silence.)
It is quite simply not on that you have left me standing here!
Beltrán bursts onto the stage with great energy, displaying impressive sword skills. A satisfied roar emanates from the unseen crowd.
Beltrán. — Ahooo! Ahuuuu! Here I stand! A master swordsman! Behold! Observe the power of my blade! I am the finest swordsman of my generation! Watch as I wield my weapon with unparalleled skill! Marvel at the artistry of my movements!
Maravedí. — Ah, you’re late, Beltrán Beltranejo! We had an accord to engage in a sword fight this very morning, and you have kept me waiting!
Beltrán. — It is never too late for a good sword fight! That is to say, the opportunity for a spirited duel is timeless! Here I am, my friend! Let us proceed!
Maravedí. — Proceed with what, exactly? I’m not entirely sure I follow.
Beltrán. — You wish to engage in combat, do you not? Here I am, brimming with energy and ready to face you! Let us cross swords!
Maravedí. — Indeed! Let us demonstrate our superior swordsmanship!
Beltrán. — Ah, that goes without saying! And it will become abundantly clear that I am the superior swordsman!
Maravedí. — Not at all! I am demonstrably the better swordsman! It is quite obvious that my blade work surpasses yours! Furthermore, I distinctly recall having already… well, never mind.
Beltrán. — You don’t say! So how is it that I am entirely unscathed and have not received so much as a scratch?
Maravedí. — Yes, well, I believe I may have… mistaken you for someone else.
Beltrán. — You have been duelling with another party?
Maravedí. — Yes, no, that is to say; it is somewhat convoluted.
Beltrán. — You engage in combat with another on the very day we had arranged our own encounter?
Maravedí. — No, it was merely a figure of speech! You arrived late, and…
Beltrán. — And nothing! I consider this a grave insult! You will pay for this affront!
Maravedí. — There is a perfectly reasonable explanation!
Beltrán. — Nonsense! Today you shall atone for your tardiness! I am so incensed, I can scarcely contain myself! I demand satisfaction! I shall flatten your nose and twist your neck!
Maravedí. — Not at all! We agreed upon no such barbarity! We shall settle our differences with our blades!
Beltrán. — You are in no position to dictate the terms! I shall twist your neck! Drop your sword, for you shall meet your end by strangulation at my very hands!
Maravedí. — No, my friend, listen to reason!
Beltrán. — I am not your friend! This is where your little charade ends! I shall kill you! Allow me to choke the very life out of you!
Maravedí. — No, no, no! Such violence is most unseemly! Ah, and look yonder! Justice approaches!
Beltrán. — Justice, you say? How can this be?
Maravedí. — They are running this way! Look! Two constables are hastening towards us! I believe word has spread of our… sword-related activities in this locale.
Beltrán. — We had best make ourselves scarce then. Feeling peckish?
Maravedí. — You know I always am.
Beltrán. — Come on then, my treat!
Maravedí. — And I wouldn’t say no to a drink either.
Beltrán. — But we mustn’t overindulge! You know how you get!
Maravedí. — Look who’s talking! The last time we partook in such refreshments, you were intent on laying waste to everything in your path! It was quite thrilling, actually… I was convinced that…
Beltrán. — Steady on, old chap, steady on.
Maravedí. — Steady on, nothing! Run for it! Justice is almost upon us! Let us depart from this place with haste!
Beltrán. — Let us make haste then, my friend! Food and drink await!
Maravedí. — Indeed! Let’s be off, my good fellow! Come on!
The End
