Victoria
Selena's secrets
(A New
York-style, campy version for a fading star)
By Ben
Gavarré
This
work has been published for free and open dissemination, although all
intellectual property rights are reserved. The public use of this work requires
the author's permission and in order to obtain the corresponding authorization
contact bengavarre@gmail.com or gavarreunam@gmail.com (Reg. Prop. Int. Expte. Inbox)
Victoria
Selena's secrets
Characters:
- Victoria Selena:
An icon. A legend. A hot mess.
- Ulises Serna:
A TV host. A vulture in a cheap suit.
- Lía:
Victoria’s long-suffering assistant. Her main job is keeping Victoria from
falling over.
Setting
the Scene:
Victoria
Selena’s dressing room is a glitzy, chaotic nightmare. Empty champagne bottles
everywhere, clothes strewn about, and some awful pop music blaring. Victoria,
in a sequined gown, is perched on a vanity table while Lía desperately tries to
fix her hair. Ulises, sweating and with his camera shaking, is trying to keep
up.
Dialogue:
ULISES
(Moves
the camera closer, a sheen of sweat on his forehead)
We’re
here, live and exclusive, with the myth who rose from the ashes. The one, the
only, Victoria Selena! Victoria, your comeback is a real epic... but people are
dying to know if that hellhole, “Impacting Your Life for the Better,” really
made you... who you are now?
VICTORIA
(Lets
out a sharp, musical laugh. Lía winks. Victoria winks back and then stares at
Ulises)
Hellhole?
Darling, please! It made me... more zen. (Taps her temple). I'm pretty sure in
one of the beatings I lost my short-term memory, and now I’m the happiest woman
alive. It's the most effective therapy, believe me.
ULISES
(Taken
aback, forces a laugh)
That’s...
an unconventional approach.
VICTORIA
Hardly.
The place was run by this woman, Adelaida, the “Queen of the Dumpster,” who
turned charity into performance art. She made her volunteers fight over scraps.
It was like a little talent show for the tragically un-talented!
LÍA
(Whispering
to Victoria, but loud enough for the mic to catch)
Remember,
the donors are watching. You have to be... grateful.
VICTORIA
(Looks
at Lía, then at Ulises, with a theatrical flourish)
Of
course, Lía! Never forget the donors. A big thank you to everyone who gave us
the stale pastries from fancy bakeries! They were divine! We were living on the
high cuisine of the gutter. (Takes a swig of champagne and offers it to the
camera). Cheers.
ULISES
(Coughs
awkwardly)
There’s
been a lot of talk about the Holy Bride. Such an... enigmatic figure.
VICTORIA
(Lounges
back on the vanity table, smiling)
Ah,
yes. The Bride. She was this lady who would whisper in my ear that the whole
room smelled like “a thousand festering dead bodies.” Isn't that just D-vine?
(Shrugs). I never knew if she wanted to seduce me or if she was my spiritual
guru. They called her “Her Bride,” you know. A very... open-ended concept.
LÍA
(Fiddles
with Victoria's necklace with forced urgency)
Ma'am,
we're running out of time!
VICTORIA
(To
Lía, in a hushed, conspiratorial tone)
Patience,
my love. The real show is this interview, not the little dance number later.
(Looks at the camera) The Bride once gave me new clothes. We were like those
creepy dolls from horror movies, dressed up in designer rags. So chic! It was high-end fashion of despair!
ULISES
(Dares
to ask)
And
Gervasio? That man...
VICTORIA
(Gets
up, shakes her dress, and a cloud of glitter lands on Ulises’s face. Lía
snickers quietly)
Gervasio?
The Gourmet! An expert in female anatomy, and he wasn’t even a doctor! He'd
wander around the “dormitory” like he was in a grocery store, offering roasted
chicken in exchange for... you know. I gave him a nervous breakdown, threw him
on the floor, and he got so scared he farted. From then on, he saw me as
damaged goods.
ULISES
(Wipes
his face, looking disturbed)
The
famous party...
VICTORIA
(Puts
a champagne glass on her head like a hat)
Adelaida's
party! A total circus. They made me dance for them, like a trained monkey. They
said, “You’re the exact same Victoria Selena from the big screen!” (Her voice
goes flat, as if she’s reciting a terrible poem). I was burning up with fever,
but I danced. At that moment, I was a performance artist.
LÍA
(Takes
the glass off with a giggle)
Ma'am,
your hair!
VICTORIA
(Laughs
theatrically, like a comic book villain)
The
real masterpiece was the party itself! Adelaida and Gervasio, sitting on their
little throne, watching me dance... And Gervasio's son... the prince of
poverty...
ULISES
(With
the camera shaking)
Ramirito...
what happened to him?
VICTORIA
(Forgets
for a second what she was going to say. Looks at Lía, who gives her a subtle
signal)
Oh,
right. Ramirito. (Shrugs) It's complicated. Let's just say his arrival ruined
the party in a very... final way. He had a breakdown, and so did his victim.
ULISES
(His
mouth is dry)
But...
the end? The rescue?
VICTORIA
(Winks
at the camera)
Rescue?
The ending's a joke! The cops found nothing. The Bride betrayed me and saved
me. Poetic, right? They stuffed me in a sack, along with another body, so no
one would find me. It was express delivery, you see. I woke up in a vacant lot
and now I'm a dancing ghost.
ULISES
(Lost)
But...
how did you get here?
VICTORIA
(Stands
up, strikes a star pose. Lía gives her a final touch-up)
I
ended up in a hospital, got rehab on a beach, and here I am. The truth is,
Ulises, the story isn’t that tragic. It’s a low-budget thriller, a dark comedy.
The real tragedy is that my past is now my biggest asset.
Victoria
struts out of the dressing room. You can hear applause and cheers. The
background music swells.
ULISES
(Looks
at the camera, his eyes misty from the glitter and confusion)
And...
there you have it... Victoria Selena. Beyond good and evil.
FADE
TO BLACK
(Ballad
of Victoria Selena - New York Diva Style)
(Corrido music, with accordion and ranchera guitar,
2/4 rhythm - imagine a country-western song with a sassy Broadway twist)
(Upbeat and cheeky musical intro)
In a dressing room, glitter and sweat,
Victoria Selena, no regrets, not yet!
Along comes Ulises, camera in hand,
Diggin' for dirt, across the whole land.
And he found diamonds and gold and perfume
"Hellhole?" she scoffed, "Oh, what a
grand lie!
I lost my memory, way up in the sky!
With bumps and with bruises, my mind's free and
clear,
Empty and happy! It banished all fear!"
(Musical Interlude)
His son, little monkey, a punk with no class,
With his reggaeton, he was a total dumb!
He stirred up trouble, what a wild spree!
Left "The New Girl" in pure misery.
(Victoria strikes a triumphant pose as the music
plays on)
Look at me, bitch ¡I am the one!
Victoria Selena, beyond wrong and right!"
They're all such fools! I will be always your queen
(Corrido music with a guitar and accordion outro,
Victoria laughs maniacally as the curtain falls)
Version
2
In a dressing
room, between glitter and sweat,
Victoria
Selena, what a great attraction!
A certain
Ulysses arrived, camera in hand,
Looking
for the story, like a good villain.
"Hell?"
he said, "What a big blowout.
I lost
my memory, blessed occasion!
With blows
and scratches,
my mind
was left Empty
and blissful!
And God saved me!"
The son,
a little monkey, lawless brat,
With all
his fat, what a poor viceroy!
It made
a fuss, what a great festival!
He left
the "Nuevita" in a terrible state.
I look
at the camera
And no
one is the same
I'm a star
Victoria Selena,
I will
always be.
