6/5/16

FARSA DEL ABOGADO PATHELIN



La farsa del abogado Pathelin
Anónimo del siglo XV

Acto Primero
Escena I
El abogado Pedro Patelín, solo.
PEDRO PATELÍN. Está decidido: hoy mismo, aunque no tenga un solo ochavo, he de conseguir un traje nuevo. Y pues dicen “antes ladrón que pobre”, ¿quién viéndome así vestido me tomará por un abogado? Creo que me han confundido con alguno de los maestros del pueblo. Hace ya quince días que dejando mi antigua residencia me instalé aquí esperando que, con el cambio, mejorarían mis negocios; y, por el contrario, van de mal en peor. En cuanto a mis vecinos… a la derecha tengo al juez y a la izquierda un rico mercader en paños. Pero ni el primero me ha proporcionado un solo pleito, ni el segundo un mal traje. ¡Ah, pobre Patelín! Se te han agotado todos los recursos y nada más te quedan los de la imaginación. ¿Qué hacer para complacer a mi mujer que se ha empeñado en casar bien a la hija? ¿Quién va a decirle nada viéndome a mí, su padre, tan andrajoso? ¿Para qué guardo mis trucos? Si yo pudiera aparentar ser un hombre rico, aquellos que ahora se alejan de mi hija… ¡Si consiguiera que mi vecino me fiara el paño para un buen traje! Aquí viene mi mujer, con Colasilla… Me parece que hablan de mí. (Se oculta.)

Escena II
SEÑORA PATELÍN. Óyeme, Colasilla, que no he querido hablarte en casa para que el desastre de mi marido no nos oyera.
PEDRO PATELÍN. (Escondido.) Ya se dispara.
SEÑORA PATELÍN. Quiero que me digas cómo es que mi hija viste de una manera tan decorosa y arreglada.
COLASILLA. Es que el señor le da algún…
SEÑORA PATELÍN. ¡Mi marido no tiene donde caerse muerto!
PEDRO PATELÍN. (Escondido.) ¡Tiene razón!
SEÑORA PATELÍN. Colasilla, estoy decidida a despedirte si no me cuentas la verdad. Y no podrás casarte con tu novio Borreguillo.
COLASILLA. No se precipite, señora, que todo. Se lo he de contar. Valero, que es el hijo único del pañero, nuestro vecino, se ha enamorado de la señorita Enriqueta y le hace algunos regalillos.
PEDRO PATELIN. (Escondido.) ¿Se me habrá adelantado mi hija en el propósito de aligerar la tienda de mi vecino?
SEÑORA PATELÍN. Pero dime, ¿de dónde saca Valero, el oro para hacer regalos? Su padre es un viejo roñoso, incapaz de darle ni un céntimo.
COLASILLA. ¡Ah, señora! Cuando los padres no dan, los hijos lo toman; ésta es la costumbre. Y Valero sigue la costumbre, como todos.
SEÑORA PATELÍN. Y ¿Por qué su padre no pide la mano de mi hija?
COLASILLA. Ya lo hubiera hecho si no fuera por temor a su padre a causa de…
SEÑORA PATELÍN. ¿De qué?
COLASILLA. Con perdón de la señora…, como el amo va siempre tan mal vestido, la gente imagina que está arruinado.
PEDRO PATELÍN. (Aparte.) Ya pondré yo remedio a todo esto.
SEÑORA PATELÍN. Alguien viene, retírate. (Colasilla se va.)
Escena III
Pedro Patelín sale de su escondite.
SEÑORA PATELÍN. ¡Ah! ¿Eres tú?
PEDRO PATELÍN. Sí.
SEÑORA PATELÍN. ¡Cómo vas vestido!
PEDRO PATELÍN. Es que soy muy sencillo…
SEÑORA PATELÍN. Lo que ocurre es que no tienes cuarto. Acabo de saber que tu pobreza ahuyenta todos los pretendientes de nuestra hija.
PEDRO PATELÍN. Tienes razón. La gente juzga siempre por las apariencias. Y claro, he de reconocer que mi forma de vestir perjudica a Enriqueta. He decidido vestir como me corresponde.
SEÑORA PATELÍN. Pronto lo has dicho. ¿Con qué dinero?
PEDRO PATELÍN. No te preocupes por eso, mujer.
SEÑORA PATELÍN. ¿Puede saberse dónde vas?
PEDRO PATELÍN. Sí, puede saberse. A comprar.. corte de traje.
SEÑORA PATELÍN. ¿Sin dinero?
PEDRO PATELÍN. Sì, ¿Qué color te gusta más, gris… o pardo?
SEÑORA PATELÍN. Mientras te lo fíen que sea del… que quieras. Quiero hablar a Enriqueta porque me he enterado de cosas que no me gustan.
PEDRO PATELÍN. Si preguntan por mí, diles que… aquí cerca; en la tienda de paños de nuestro vecino… señora Patelín se va.)

Escena IV
PEDRO PATELÍN. (Solo.) Me parece que será mucho… prestarme in habitu, porque la toga ocultará harapos. Y, además, dará más peso de persuasión… palabras. Ahí está el hijo del señor Guillermo. Y él… Voy a vestirme. ¡Que Dios me ayude!

Escena V
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. (Con una pieza de tela en sus manos) Empieza a oscurecer dentro de la tienda, lo mejor… colocar esta tela a la vista del público. ¡Valero!,... buscando un pastor para cuidar los carneros del… saco la lana para mis paños.
VALERO. ¿No está contento con Borreguillo, pad…
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. No, que me roba; y hasta creo que tú lo sabes.
VALERO. ¿Yo?
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. Sí, tú. Me he enterado que cortejas a una muchacha de por estos barrios y que le haces regalos. Y también sé que Borreguillo se ha prometido a una tal Colasilla, criada de tu misma novia. Y, en resumen, no me fío de ti.
VALERO. (Aparte) ¿Quién no habrá descubierto? Aseguro a usted que Borreguillo nos sirve con mucha fidelidad.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. A ti, puede. Pero lo que es a mí, desde luego que no. Hace un mes que ha entrado a mi servicio y me faltan ya ciento veinte carneros y no creo que se hayan muerto, precisamente, como él dice, atacados de morriña.
VALERO. Las enfermedades causan grandes males.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. Sí, si hay médicos; pero no los hay entre los carneros. Ese Borreguillo que se finge tonto es conde bajo su piel a un pícaro de siete suelas. Además, le he visto una noche matando un carnero. Le he dado una buena paliza y le he citado ante el juez. Pero antes de llevar este asunto más lejos quiero saber si tú…
VALERO. ¡Padre! Respeto mucho a sus carneros.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. Tanto mejor. Así le haré perseguir por la justicia. Antes, quiero examinar el asunto atentamente; dame mi libro de cuentas. Acerca esa silla y déjame. Y si viene el alguacil que he llamado, avísame. Estaré aún un rato en la tienda, por si llega algún cliente.
VALERO. (Aparte) He de avisar a Borreguillo para que haga las paces con mi padre. (Valero se va.)

Escena VI
Entra Pedro Patelín.
PEDRO PATELIN. Al fin está solo; me acerco. Esa pieza me conviene. Buenas tardes, caballero.
GUILLERMO. ¿Es usted el alguacil? Espere,
PEDRO PATELIN. No, señor. Yo soy…
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¿Un magistrado? ¿El procurador? ¿Qué desea, señor?
PEDRO PATELÍN. Caballero, soy abogado.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. No necesito de ninguno. Gracias…
PEDRO PATELÍN. Mi nombre no debe serle desconocido…caballero. Soy el abogado Patelín.
SEÑOR GUILLLERMO. No le conozco, caballero.
PEDRO PATELÍN. Todo llegará… Entre los papeles… difunto padre he encontrado una deuda que no h… cancelada…
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. No es cosa mía Yo a nadie… nada.
PEDRO PATELÍN. No caballero; se trata de todo… contrario. Mi difunto padre debía al suyo trescientos… y yo, que soy hombre de honor, vengo a pagáros…
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¿A pagarme ha dicho? Espere… Caballero, creo recordar… Claro está, como…antiguo a su familia. Usted vivía en un pueblo… cerca, nos conocimos hace tiempo. Perdóneme:… aquí, siéntese, se lo ruego.
PEDRO PATELÍN. ¡Caballero!
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¡Caballero!
PEDRO PATELÍN. (Se sienta) Si todos lo que a… deben me pagaran tan puntualmente como yo, sería más rico. Pero yo no sé quedarme con lo ajeno.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. Sin embargo esto es lo que … mucha gente.
PEDRO PATELÍN. Pero yo considero que la prim…gación de un hombre honrado es pagar las deudas… ello quiero que me diga cuándo estará en disposición… de cobrar los trescientos escudos.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. Ahora mismo.
PEDRO PATELÍN. En casa tengo el dinero a su disposición; pero hay que dar tiempo de formalizar la… pago ante el notario. Son gastos de una heren… corresponde a mi hija Enriqueta y quiero preceder… tamente.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. Me parece muy bien, Así,… mañana por la mañana, a las cinco.
PEDRO PATELÍN. De acuerdo, a las cinco. Temo… sido oportuno y haberle molestado en este momento…
SEÑOR GUILLERMO, ¡En modo alguno! No sé… el tiempo, no se vende nada.
PEDRO PATELÍN. ¡Pero si usted solo vende más… los pañeros juntos!
SEÑOR GUILLERMO, Porque trabajo mucho.
PEDRO PATELÍN. El trabajo, la competencia… Veo aquí un paño de gran calidad.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. Excelente.
PEDRO PATELÍN. Es usted un gran conocedor de su trabajo…
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¡Por Dios, caballero!
PEDRO PATELÍN. ¡Qué maravillosa seguridad!
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¡Oh! ¡Oh, caballero!
SEÑOR PATELÍN. Y sus maneras nobles y francas encantan al público.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¡Me confunde usted!
SEÑOR PATELÍN. No puedo apartar la vista de este paño. Me gusta su color.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. Lo creo. Es castaño.
PEDRO PATELÍN. ¿Castaño? ¡Qué bello! Apostaría a que este color lo ha inventado usted, señor Guillermo.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. Sí, sí. Con mi tintorero.
PEDRO PATELÍN. Es lo que digo: hay más talento en su cabeza que en todas las demás juntas.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¡Oh, no!...
PEDRO PATELÍN. Y la lana parece de buena clase.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. Lana inglesa pura.
PEDRO PATELÍN. ¡Debí imaginarlo! Y a propósito de Inglaterra; me parece recordar que hemos estudiado juntos…
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¿En la escuela del señor Nicodemo?
PEDRO PATELÍN. ¡Exacto! Qué memoria privilegiada la suya! Era usted un hermoso angelote…
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. Eso decía mi madre…
PEDRO PATELÍIN. Y ¡qué facilidad en aprender!
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. A los dieciocho años escribía y leía.
PEDRO PATELÍN. ¡Lástima que no se dedicara a las grandes empresas! ¿Se da usted cuenta que hubiera sabido gobernar un reino?
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¿Por qué no? Como cualquier otro.
PEDRO PATELÍN. Vea qué casualidad: tengo metida en la cabeza la idea de un paño como éste, y mi mujer quiere que me haga un traje… Seguramente mañana, a las cinco, cuando le traiga los trescientos escudos, me quedaré con un corte.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. Se lo guardaré.
PEDRO PATELÍN. (Aparte.) ¡Guardarlo!... No me conviene…Para liquidar cierta operación espero tener.. doscientas libras; pero imagino que usted se llevará parte de ellas.
SEÑOR GUILLEMO. Liquide su operación que no… quedar sin el paño, señor abogado.
PEDRO PATELÍN. No lo dudo; pero no me gusta compara al fiado…Da gusto verle tan sano, tan robusto… usted vida para años.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. Gracias a Dios me encuentro… bien.
PEDRO PATELÍN. Dígame cuánto necesitaré de este… y mañana le traeré el dinero con los trescientos es… de la deuda.
SEÑOR GUILLEMO. Necesitará…¿Desea un traje… completo?
PEDRO PATELÍN. Completísismo; casaca, pantalón… chaleco; todo doble. Y muy amplio, y muy largo…
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. En ese caso… necesitará usted… varas ¿Se las corto?
SEÑOR PATELÍN. De ningún modo, caballero. C.. dinero en mano. Es mi sistema.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. Es el mejor. (Aparte) Este hombre…es la honradez hecha persona.
PEDRO PATELÍN. ¿Se acuerda señor Guillermo del … cenamos juntos en el  Escudo de Francia?
SEÑOR GUILLEMOR. ¿El día de la fiesta mayor?
SEÑOR PATELÍN. Ese precisamente. Después de ce…tuvimos hablando un buen rato, sobre temas de actualidad… ¡Que cosas le oí decir a usted?
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¿Se acuerda de ellas?
PEDRO PATELÍN. ¿Qué si me acuerdo? ¡Pero si… todo lo que luego anuncio Nostradamus!
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. Quizá, quizá… A veces veo ve.. cosas…
PEDRO PATELIN. Y dígame, ¿a cuánto me cobrara… el paño?
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. A cualquier otro se lo cobraría.. .seis escudos; pero para usted lo dejaremos en cinco.
PEDRO PATELÍN. (Aparte) ¡Qué judío! Es en extremo… delicado…Veamos, seis varas a cinco escudos son…
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. Treinta escudos, exactamente.
PEDRO PATELIN. Eso es, treinta escudos. Cuenta… ¡Vaya! Para reanudar nuestra amistad quiero que venga mañana a mi casa. Comeremos una oca que mi ha regalado un cliente.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¿Una oca? Pues me gusta mucho…
SEÑOR PATELÍN. Mejor. Mi mujer las guisa que los ángeles cantan al olerlas. Tenga usted mi mano y venga mañana a comer a mi casa. Por cierto que estoy impaciente porque me vean vestido con el traje nuevo. Si me lo quedo mañana, ¿lo tendré listo para la cena?
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. Debe dar tiempo al sastre, o se le estropeará.
PEDRO PATELÍN. Sería una verdadera lástima.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¿Por qué no hace lo que le digo? Ha dicho que tenía el dinero a punto.
PEDRO PATELÍN. Desde luego. No se me había ocurrido…
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. Yo se lo mandaré a su casa por uno de mis aprendices. Aquí hay un corte como el que usted necesita.
PEDRO PATELÍN. ¡No creerá que lo voy a consentir! ¿Cree usted que no me fío? Nada, hombre, nada.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. Permítame; se lo mando por el aprendiz y a él le entrega…
PEDRO PATELÍN. ¿Un aprendiz? No, no entretenga a sus empleados. De aquí a mi casa sólo hay dos pasos… Y tiene usted razón: así el sastre tendrá más tiempo.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. Pero, hombre, deje que le acompañe un aprendiz a quien entregar el dinero…
PEDRO PATELÍN. ¡Le repito que no! No soy presumido. Lo llevo oculto, así, en la toga, y parecerá el legajo de un gran proceso.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. Pero… señor Patelín, yo quisiera que le ayudara un aprendiz y de este modo…
PEDRO PATELÍN. Sin cumplidos, amigo mío, ¡sin cumplidos! A las cinco en punto trescientos treinta escudos y la oca… Dios mío, ¡se está haciendo tarde! ¡Adiós, vecino! Hasta siempre… A sus órdenes.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. Lo mismo digo, caballero…
El señor Patelín se va.

Escena VII
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. (Solo.) ¡Demonio!, se ha llevado… paño. Menos mal que las cinco de la mañana no estás… lejos. Comeré en su casa y, claro está, me pagará: Es… uno de los hombres más honrados que he visto en mi vida; y uno de los abogados de mayor espíritu, tam…Casi, me remuerde la conciencia de haberle vendido el paño tan caro a un hombre que viene a pagarme trecientos escudos... con los que no contaba, de una deuda …nocida, ¡Pero sean bien venidos! Ya anoche y esto… mejor de la jornada. ¡Guardad los paños dentro! Viene el bribón de Borreguillo, que me roba el ganando.

Escena VIII
Entra Borreguillo
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¡Ah!, ¿eres tú, ladrón? ¿De qué… sirve trabajar noche y día si un sinvergüenza como … lleva el provecho?
BORREGUILLO. Buenas tardes, buenas noches, mi a…
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¿Cómo te atreves a presentarte… mis ojos?
BORREGUILLO. Yo no quisiera enojarle, señor; pero… han entregado un papelote que habla de carneros, d.. y de citación.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. Hazte el tonto, sí; pero pagarán caros los carneros que me has robado.
BORREGUILLO. ¡Habladurías!...
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¿Habladurías perillán? ¿No.. hace unas noches matando un borrego?
BORREGUILLO. Pero juro por mi alma que lo hice…evitar que se muriera.
SEÑOR GUILLARME. ¡Matarle para que no se muriera…
BORREGUILLO. Sí, de la morriña…Porque si se… de un mal de ésos hay que tirarlos al muladar; y es preferible que se les mate.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¿Qué se mueren, dices? ¡Unos carneros cuya lana se vende a cinco escudos la vara! ¡Vete de aquí, pillo! ¡Ciento veinte carneros en un mes!
BORREGUILLO. Lo he hecho para que no contagien a los demás.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¡Ya aclararemos eso mañana, ante el juez!
BORREGUILLO. Amo bueno, ¿no le basta con haberme apaleado como se ve? Hagamos las paces, si quiere…
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. Lo único que quiero es verte ahoracado.
BORREGUILLO. ¡No lo quiera Dios!
El señor Guillermo se retira.

Escena IX
BORREGUILLO. (Solo) No me queda otra solución que buscar un abogado que me defienda de este atropello.


Escena X
Entran Enriqueta, Colasilla y Valero.
ENRIQUETA. Déjeme, Valero. Mis padres me siguen… Vamos a cenar a casa de una tía y me han dicho que me adelantara. ¡Váyase!
BORREGUILLO. (A Valero.) ¿Quiere usted que apague la luz?
VALERO. ¡No, que me, quitarías el placer de verla. Hermosa Enriqueta; permítame, se lo ruego…
ENRIQUETA. No, Valero. Estoy temblando…
VALERO. ¿Teme a quien le ama?
ENRIQUETA. Es usted la persona a quien más temo, y sabe muy bien por qué causa. No te vayas, Colasilla.
Borreguillo tira del brazo de Colasilla.
COLASILLA Es este tullido que me tira de la manga…
ENRIQUETA. Si me ama, Valero… no piense en mí hasta que consiga el permiso de su padre.
COLASILA. A eso nos dedicaremos Borreguillo y yo misma.
BORREGUILLO. Tengo un plan que, si Dios me saca…bien del proceso, nos sacará a todos de apuros.
VALERO. Ocurra lo que ocurra, yo respondo de todo …
ENRIQUETA. Mi padre viene: vámonos. (Desaparecen…cuatro.)

Escena XI
Entran señor y señora Patelín.
PEDRO PATELIN. Y bien, esposa mía, ¿te gustó el pa..
SEÑORA PATELÍN. Sí; pero, ¿cómo saldrás del lío?... prometido pagar mañana por la mañana…El señor…Guillermo es tan egoísta que es capaz de armar un escándalo…
PEDRO PATELÍN. Tú, no te olvides de cumplir las… trucciones que te he dado para cuando vengan.
SEÑORA PATELÍN. Te ayudaré a mi pesar. Porque lo que te propones…debería avergonzarte. No es ese el proc…. De un hombre honrado.
PEDRO PATELÍN. La honradez es fácil con dinero… difícil es ser pobre y honrado. Dejemos estas historias…Cenemos ahora y luego, en previsión, hagamos corta…traje.
SEÑORA PATELIN. Vamos, sí. No sé por qué me ima… que mañana por la mañana habrá en casa un gran ja….
FIN DEL ACTO PRIMERO






















Acto Segundo
Escena I
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. (Solo.) Todo hombre honrado debe recordar por la mañana sus deberes de todo el día… primero, a las cinco de la mañana, cobrar al señor Patelín trescientos escudos por una deuda contraída por su difunto padre. Y treinta escudos por unas varas de paño que se llevó ayer de mi tienda. Más tarde comer en su casa una oca, aderezada por su propia mujer. Después acudir a la causa que tengo entablada contra Borreguillo por los carneros robados. Esto es todo… Caramba, hace ya un buen rato que han sonado las cinco y el buen vecino no aparece. Y ¿si fuera yo mismo hasta su casa? No, un hombre tan honrado no ha de faltar a su palabra. Y, sin embargo, él tiene mi paño y nada sé de él. ¿Qué hacer? Ya sé. Simularé una visita de cumplido y tantearé el terreno. (Se acerca a la puerta de Patelín y escucha.) Me parece que están contando mi dinero… ¡Hum! Deben estar asando la oca. Llamaré.
PEDRO PATELÍN. (En su casa.) Llaman, mujer.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. Es él.
PEDRO PATELÍN. (En su casa.) Abre, debe ser el boticario…
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¡El boticario!
PEDRO PATELÍN. Que me trae el vomitivo, el vomitivo…
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. (Aparte.) ¡El vomitivo! ¿Habrá alguien enfermo? Quizá no he conocido su voz a través de la puerta…Llamaré más fuerte. (Vuelve a llamar.)
PEDRO PATELÍN. (En su casa.) ¡Avutarda! ¡Mala pécora! Abre de una vez…
Escena II
SEÑORA PATELÍN. (En la puerta de su casa.) ¡Ah, es el señor Guillermo!
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. Yo soy, sí. ¿Es usted la señora Patelín?
SEÑORA PATELÍN. Para servirle. Perdone; pero no me atrevo a hablar alto.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. Hable como le dé la gana. Vengo a ver al señor Patelin.
SEÑORA PATELÍN. Hable más bajo, caballero; se lo suplico.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¿Más bajo? ¿Por qué? Le repito que vengo a ver al señor Patelín.
SEÑORA PATELÍN. Más bajito, más bajito, aún; se lo ruego.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. Todo lo bajito que quiera; pero he de verle.
SEÑORA PATELIN. ¡Ay! ¡Para recibir visitas está… el pobre!
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¿Le ha ocurrido algo, desde anoche…?
SEÑORA PATELIN. ¿Desde ayer? ¡Ocho días hace que no se levante de la cama!
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¿Ocho días?; pero si ayer me… a ver.
SEÑORA PATELIN. ¿El?
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. Sí, él. ¡Estuvo en mi casa, rebosan… de salud!
SEÑORA PATELIN. ¡Usted lo ha soñado!
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. No está mal, ¡soñado! Y las seis varas de paño, ¿las he soñado también?
SEÑORA PATELIN. ¿Seis varas de paño?
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. Sí, seis varas de paño color castaño y una oca que hemos de comer este mediodía. ¿Lo he soñado también?
SEÑORA PATELIN. ¡No es ésta ocasión de bromear, seis...
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¿Bromear? No estoy para bromas… créame usted. Le digo muy de veras que se llevó seis varas bajo la toga.
SEÑORA PATELÍN. ¡Ojalá fuera cierto!... Quisiera que estuviera en estado para hacer esas cosas. ¡Ah, señor don Guillermo!... Mi marido cayó ayer en un arrebato… degeneró en delirio y aún no ha salido de él.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. Esto es exesivo. ¡Señora, usted es la que delira! Yo he de hablar con él como sea.
SEÑORA PATELIN. Es imposible en el estado en que se encuentra. Le hemos sentado en un sillón, junta a la puerta, mientras le arreglamos la cama… y ¡si viera que lastima inspira!
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¡Lástima! ¡Lástima! Cualquiera que sea su estado he de verle.
SEÑORA PATELIN. ¡No, cuidado! ¡No abra esa puerta! Va a matar a mi marido… ¡Le dan de repente unas ganas locas de echar a correr! ¿Ve?, le ha dado el ataque.
El señor Patelin se deja ver. Lleva la cabeza envuelta en trapos.
Escena III
SEÑORA PATELIN. Ya se lo he advertido. ¡Ayúdeme a sujetarlo!... ( A Patelin.) Querido, descansa un poco aquí… (Le acerca un sillón para que se siente.)
PEDRO PATELIN. ¡Ay, ay! ¡Mi cabeza!
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. El estado en que se encuentra este hombre inspira auténtica lástima…Pero yo juraría que es el mismo de ayer. Me acercaré un poco más… Señor Patelin, ¿cómo se encuentra?
PEDRO PATELIN. Buenos días, señor Anodino.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¡Señor Anodino!
SEÑORA PATELIN. Cree que es el boticario. Váyase, váyase.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¡Nada de eso! Caballero, se acuerda que ayer anoche…
PEDRO PATELIN. Claro, claro que le recuerdo. Le he guardado…
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. Se acuerda. Menos mal…
PEDRO PATELIN. Le he guardado un vaso lleno de orines.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¡Y a mí qué me cuenta!
PEDRO PATELIN. (A su señora.) Deja que el señor Anodino los examine. Así verá si tengo algo en los riñones…
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¡A eso se le llama pagar en buena moneda!
SEÑORA PATELIN. ¡Basta ya! Caballero, salga de aquí inmediatamente.
SEÑOR GUILLEMO. Ni por pienso. Me paga, ¿sí o no?
PEDRO PATELIN. Y no vuelva a darme esas píldoras; me hacen devolver hasta el alma.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¡El paño tendrías que devolver!
PEDRO PATELIN. (A la señora.) ¡Esposa mía, ahuyenta esas mariposas negras que vuelan a mi alrededor! ¡Ahuyéntalas! ¡Ahuyéntalas!...Cómo suben…
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. Yo no veo ninguna.
SEÑORA PATELIN. ¿No comprende que está delirando? Váyase.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. A otro con ese hueso. Primero ha de pagarme.
PEDRO PATELIN. Los médicos me han matado con sus drogas…
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. Ahora está entrando en razón…Es la ocasión de hablarle. Señor Patelin…
PEDRO PATELIN. Señores: yo defiendo la causa de Homero.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¿De Homero?
PEDRO PATELIN. Contra la ninfa Calipso.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. Jamás he oído hablar de ella.
SEÑORA PATELIN. Le repito que está delirando. Váyase, se lo ruego.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. Eso se lo dice usted a otro, señora
PEDRO PATELIN. Los sacerdotes de Júpiter… Los Cori…bantes…La ha robado, se la lleva… ¡Sus, y al gato! ¡Sus y al gato!... ¡Mi crema! ¡Adiós!
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¡Y, cuando haya acabado de delirar, me pagará por lo menos mis treinta escudos!
PEDRO PATELIN. Ya no resuenan las grutas con el canto dulce de tu voz.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¿Me habré confundido, en verdad?
SEÑORA PATELIN. Por Dios, señor. Deje tranquilo de una vez a este hombre.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. Esperemos un momento. A lo mejor tiene un ratito de lucidez. Mira, parece que quisiera decir algo…
PEDRO PATELIN. ¡Ah! ¿Es usted, señor Guillermo?
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¡Me ha reconocido! ¿Qué tal, señor Patelin?
PEDRO PATELIN. Le suplico que me perdone…
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¿Ve, señora? Parece que se acuerda de mí.
PEDRO PATELIN. Hace más de quince días que vivo en este pueblo y aún no he ido a saludarlo…
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. Se equivoca, ayer mismo…
PEDRO PATELIN. Cierto, sí, que ayer le envié un procurador amigo mío a que le presentara mis respetos…
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. (Aparte.) ¿Será ése el del paño? ¡Pues si es su procurador no le veré más en mi vida! (A Patelin.) ¡Eso es un cuento chino! Usted es quien se ha llevado mi paño…
SEÑORA PATELIN. ¡Ah!, Caballero. No le hable de negocios; lo va a matar.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. Mi enhorabuena. Según tengo entendido su difunto padre le debía al mío trescientos escudos, y no pienso marcharme de aquí sin antes…
PEDRO PATELIN. (Se incorpora.) El tribunal observará sin duda que la pírrica era una danza; taralal, laral, la, la… (Abraza al señor Guillermo y le obliga a bailar con él.) Bailemos todos. ¡Bailemos!... <<Mi comadre cuando baile>>.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. No puedo más; pero no pienso renunciar a mi dinero.
PEDRO PATELIN. (Aparte) ¡Ya haré yo que levantes el campo! (A la señora Patelin.) Mujer mía, ¿no oyes cómo los ladrones abren la puerta? ¿Oyes?... Escucha… ¡Socorro! ¡Socorro! Escuchemos, sí. ¡Ya llegan, ya están aquí! Ya los veo… ¡Malvados! ¡Voy
a echarles a todos!.. ¡Mi bastón!... (Vuelve blandiendo el bastón.) ¡Ah, ladrón!... ¡Ah, ladrón!...
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¡Qué cargada está la atmósfera!¡Voto a bríos!... Todos me roban; quién mis paños, quién mis carneros… Pero mientras hago entrar en razón al abogado, he de hacer ahorcar al pastor. ¡Vamos! (Se va.)
Escena IV
SEÑOR PATELIN. Bueno. ¡Por fin se ha marchado! Yo me voy, pero tú debes quedarte un rato aún, por si se le ocurre volver…
PEDRO PATELIN. Como que ya está aquí… ¡Al ladrón! Es el señor Bartolo y me ha visto…
(La señora Patelin se va.)
Escena V
(Entra el juez Bartolo.)
BARTOLO. ¿Quién ha gritado << ¡Al ladrón!>>? ¿Qué demonios de jaleo es éste, cerca de mi casa? ¿Qué significa tanto desorden? ¡Ah, es usted, mi querido colega!
PEDRO PATELIN. Sí, yo soy…
BARTOLO. ¡Con que atuendo!
PEDRO PATELIN. Me había figurado que…
BARTOLO. ¡Un abogado y con las armas en la mano!
PEDRO PATELIN. Me pareció oír que…
BARTOLO. << Militant causaron estroni>>
PEDRO PATELIN. Es que he tenido la impresión de que algunos ladrones forzaban mis puertas…
BARTOLO. Forzar una puerta: <<ceran judice>>.
PEDRO PATELIN. Repito, señor, que imaginé que había ladrones.
BARTOLO. Habrá que levantar un atestado.
PEDRO PATELIN. Pero si no los había…
BARTOLO. Citaremos testigos…
PEDRO PATELIN. ¿Contra quién? ¿Puede saberse?
BARTOLO. ¡Y hacerles ahorcar!
PEDRO PATELIN. ¿Ahorcar a quiénes?
BARTOLO. ¡No hay piedad para los ladrones!
PEDRO PATELIN. Repito de n nuevo que no había tales ladrones. Fue un error mío.
BARTOLO. ¡Ah!, en ese caso, todo cambia. << Cedant armtoge…>>. Deje ese bastón y dese prisa en vestirse como corresponde a un leguleyo. Hay que asistir a la audiencia que empezará dentro de muy poco. (Bartolo se va.)
Escena VI
PEDRO PATELIN. (Solo.) Eso es precisamente lo que me propongo hacer. He de hacer la defensa de un cierto pastor por encargo de Colasilla. Voy a cambiar de atuendo vuelvo enseguida. (Entra en su casa.)
Escena VII
COLASILLA. Lo que conviene es un buen abogado embrolloso y astuto que te saque de este lío. Y en este lugar únicamente el señor Patelín reúne tales condiciones.
BORREGUILLO. Ya le dimos fama cuando no hace mucho mi hermano y yo recurrimos a él, en un apuro de los buenos. Pero me olvidé pagarle y ahora… no me atrevo a presentarme ante él.
COLASILLA. A lo mejor ni se acuerda ya. Sobre todo no digas que sirves al señor Guillermo; seguramente no querría ir contra él.
BORREGUILLO. Le hablaré de mi amo sin decir quién es. Así creerá que sigo a las órdenes del antiguo.
COLASILLA. Aquí le tienes. ¡Adiós! (Colasilla se aleja.)
Escena VIII
El señor Patelin viene con el otro traje.
PEDRO PATELIN. Ya conozco a ese bergante… Si no me equivoco ¿tú eres el novio de Colasilla?
BORREGUILLO. El mismo. Sí, señor.
PEDRO PATELIN. Pues si la memoria no me falla erais dos hermanos a los que libré de las galeras. Y uno de ellos no me pagó.
BORREGUILLO. Era mi hermano.
PEDRO PATELIN. Al salir de la cárcel enfermasteis; y uno de los dos murió.
BORREGUILLO. No fui yo.
PEDRO PATELIN. Ya veo, ya.
BORREGUILLO. Y eso que estuve más grave que mi hermano. Lo que yo quiero ahora es pedirle que me defienda contra mi amo.
PEDRO PATELIN. ¿Tu amo es el propietario de aquí cerca?
BORREGUILLO. No, no. Vive lejos. Y yo le pagaré.
PEDRO PATELIN. Eso es lo que quiero. Venga ya, cuéntame tu asuntó sin ocultar nada.
BORREGUILLO. Sepa que mi amo me paga un mal jornal y que, para desquitarme, sin perjudicarle en nada, hago algún pequeño negocio de carnicería.
PEDRO PATELIN. Y ¿qué negocio es ése?
BORREGUILLO. Evito que los carneros se mueran de morriña.
PEDRO PATELIN. No veo en ello ningún mal. ¿Cómo impides?
BORREGUILLO. Pues… con su venia, señor… cuando parece que tienen ganas de morirse, los mato.
PEDRO PATELIN. Buen remedio. Y ¿no los matarás además para que tu amo crea que han muerto de enfermedad… haya que echarlos al muladar, y luego los vendes y te g..das el dinero?
BORREGUILLO. Eso dice mi amo, porque una noche… éstas me vio…agarrar a uno…¿he de decirlo todo?
PEDRO PATELIN. Sí, si quieres que te defienda yo.
BORREGUILLO. Pues me vio que agarraba un carnero grande, gordo y muy sano. Sin darme cuenta de lo que hacía, casi por distracción, le puse mi cuchillo muy cerca del cuello, tanto que no sé cómo de verdad, pero el carnero se murió de repente.
PEDRO PATELIN. Comprendido ¿Te vio alguien?
BORREGUILLO. Mi amo que estaba escondido en… matorral. Y ahora dice que he hecho lo mismo con los… veinte carneros que le faltan. Me pegó tan fuerte que ahora tendré que hacerme trepanar. Como usted es abogado lo que yo deseo es que exponga los hechos de tal modo que parezca que soy inocente y mi amo culpable.
PEDRO PATELIN. El asunto está claro. Hay dos caminos a seguir. El primero te costará muy poco o nada.
BORREGUILLO. Entonces, sigamos ese camino.
PEDRO PATELIN. De acuerdo, ¿Todos tus bienes est..dinero?
BORREGUILLO. Sí, por cierto.
PEDRO PATELIN. Escóndelo bien.
BORREGUILLO. Así se hará.
PEDRO PATELIN. Y tu amo se verá en obligación de pagar todos los gastos.
BORREGUILLO. Tanto mejor.
PEDRO PATELIN. Y no te costará ni una miaja.
BORREGUILLO. Eso es lo que me conviene.
PEDRO PATELIN. Únicamente, podrá a lo sumo,…ahorcar.
BORREGUILLO. Sigamos el otro camino.
PEDRO PATELIN. Atiéndame bien; te obligarás a comparecer ante el juez.
BORREGUILLO. ¡Bueno!
PEDRO PATELIN. Y te acordarás bien de lo que voy a decirte.
BORREGUILLO. Mi memoria es excelente.
PEDRO PATELIN. A todas cuantas preguntas te hagan tu juez, tu amo y yo mismo no contestarás sino lo que diariamente oyes a los carneros. ¿Sabrás hablar su lengua y harte el borrego?
BORREGUILLO. No me parece muy difícil.
PEDRO PATELIN. Los golpes que te han sacudido en la cabeza me sugieren esta idea que te salvará; pero has de pagarme bien.
BORREGUILLO. ¡Lo juro por mi alma!
PEDRO PATELIN. El juez Bartolo va a comenzar el juicio inmediatamente; no te olvides de pasar por aquí, otra vez. Te espero; y no olvides traer el dinero.
BORREGUILLO. ¡Qué difícil está la vida para la gente honrada! (Sale por un lado.)
Fin del acto segundo
Acto tercero
Escena I
BARTOLO. (A Patelin) Vamos a comenzar ya. Que se presenten las partes.
PEDRO PATELIN. (A Borreguillo por lo bajo.) Cuando te pregunten tu no respondas más que lo dicho.
BARTOLO. ¿Quién es este individuo?
PEDRO PATELIN. Un pastor a quien su amo ha apaleado, y que por ello tendrá que hacerse trepanar.
BARTOLO. Debemos esperar a la parte contraria, a su procurador o abogado… pero ¿qué viene a hacer aquí el señor Guillermo?
Escena II
Entra el señor Guillermo.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. (A Bartolo.) Vengo a defender yo mismo mi causa.
PEDRO PATELIN. (A Borreguillo.) ¡Ah, pérfido! ¡Es contra el señor Guillermo!
PEDRO PATELIN. Procuraré escurrir el bulo.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. (Por Patelin.) ¡Hola! ¿Quién es es…
PEDRO PATELIN. Señor juez, yo solamente me entiendo con abogados.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¡Pues yo no los necesito! (Aparte) Me recuerda…
PEDRO PATELIN. Yo me retiro.
BARTOLO. Permanezca en su sitio y defienda a su cliente.
PEDRO PATELIN. Señor, yo…
BARTOLO. Que permanezca he dicho. Por lo menos… ro que un abogado esté presente en este juicio. Si se… cha borraremos su nombre de la matrícula.
PEDRO PATELIN. (Se tapa el rostro con un pañuelo.)… de esconderse lo más que sea posible.
BARTOLO. Señor Guillermo, usted es el que hace la denuncia: hable.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. Sepa, señor juez, que este pillo aquí ve…
BARTOLO. ¡Sin injuriar!
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. Bien. Este ladrón…
BARTOLO. No, no. Debe llamarle por su nombre o su oficio.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. El caso es que este pastor malvado ha robado ciento veinte carneros.
PEDRO PATELIN. No tiene prueba alguna de ello.
BARTOLO. ¿Qué tiene usted, abogado?
PEDRO PATELIN. Un horrible dolor de muelas.
BARTOLO. Lo siento mucho. Sigamos.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¡Demonios! Este abogado se parece mucho al tipo de las seis varas de paño.
BARTOLO. ¿Qué pruebas tiene del robo?
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¿Pruebas? Le vendí, digo, le entregué ayer seis varas… y ahora de los seiscientos carneros sólo encuentro en mi redil cuatrocientos ochenta.
PEDRO PATELIN. Niego el hecho.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO Si no fuera porque acabo de ver al otro en pleno delirio juraría que éste es mi hombre.
BARTOLO. Deje en paz a su hombre y vengan las pruebas.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. Mi paño demostrará… ¡Oh!, quise decir mi libro de cuentas demostrará dónde están mis seis varas… los ciento veinte carneros que me faltan.
PEDRO PATELIN. La morriña acabó con ellos.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¡Parece el mismo!
BARTOLO. Nadie lo niega. <<Non est questlo persona>> Acaba de afirmarse que los carneros han muerto a causas de la morriña. ¿Qué dice a esto?
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. Con su permiso le diré que es falso: él se los llevó y él los mató para venderlos; y diré más, ayer mismo yo en persona le sorprendí… (Aparte.) Estoy seguro, es él. (A Bartolo.) Sí, yo le vendí seis… seis… y le sorprendí matando un carnero.
PEDRO PATELIN. ( A Bartolo.) Invención todo, señor, para justificar los porrazos que le ha dado a este infeliz pastor, que al salir de aquí tendrá que ser trepanado…
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. (A Bartolo.) ¡Por mi alma que es la pura verdad! Es él mismo, señor juez. Ayer se llevó de mi casa seis varas de paño y en lugar de pagarme esta mañana los treinta escudos del importe...
BARTOLO. ¿A qué vienen ahora esas seis varas de paño y los treinta escudos? ¿No estamos hablando de carneros robados?
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. Cierto, señor juez, es otro asunto al que llegará su turno; que yo me entiendo y no me engaño. Sepa que me había escondido en el corral… ¡Vaya si es él!... me había escondido cuando vi llegar a ese bribón que se escurría hacia un rincón. Agarró el carnero más grande y… a fuerza de buenas palabras consiguió llegarse seis varas.
BARTOLO. ¿Seis varas? ¿De carnero?
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. No, de paño. ¡Vaya con el hombre!
BARTOLO. ¿Seis varas de paño… y, ¡vaya con el hombre!? ¿Qué pasa con los carneros? ¿No tratamos ya de carneros?
SEÑOR GUILLEMRO. Sí, sí, sí. Ese pillastre sacó su cuchillo… quiero decir mi paño… no, decía bien: su cuchillo. Y escondiéndolo entre los pliegues de su ropa lo llevó hasta su casa. Y esta mañana, en vez de pagarme, me niega el paño y el dinero.
PEDRO PATELIN. (Rie.) ¡Ah! ¡Ah! ¡Ah!...
BARTOLO. ¡Todo eso con sus carneros! ¿Ha perdido usted la cabeza? ¿Qué le sucede, señor Guillermo?
PEDRO PATELIN. No sabe ni lo que dice.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. Sí, que lo sé. Y muy bien. Me han robado hasta ciento veinte carneros; y esta mañana, en lugar de darme los treinta escudos por las varas de paño color castaño que sacó de mi tienda, ha intentado contentarme con ¡mariposas negras, la diosa Calixto, la canción su comadre y otros mil rompecabezas que ya no recuerdo!
PEDRO PATELIN. (Ríe.) ¡Está loco!
BARTOLO. Eso creo… Mire, señor Guillermo, todos los tribunales del reino juntos no podrían aclarar este embrollo. ¡Acusa usted a un pastor de robarlo ciento veinte carneros y nos habla de varas de paño, de treinta escudos, de mariposas negras y qué sé yo qué historias! Insisto en que nos hable de los carneros o daré orden de que pongan en libertad al pastor. Aunque lo mejor será interrogarle. Acércate. ¿Cómo te llamas?
BORREGUILLO. Bee…
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. Miente; se llama Borreguillo.
BARTOLO. Borreguillo o Bee da lo mismo. Dime. ¿es verdad que este caballero te confío la guarda de ciento veinte carneros?
BORREGUILLO. Bee.
BARTOLO. ¡Hombre! ¿Tienes miedo a la justicia? Escucha y no te asustes: ¿te ha descubierto una noche el señor Guillermo matando un carnero?
BORREGUILLO. Bee…
BARTOLO. ¿Qué significa esto?
PEDRO PATELIN. Los golpes que ha recibido en la cabeza le han perturbado la razón…
BARTOLO. Ha sido una falta grave por su parte, señor Guillermo.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. Una falta grave, ¿yo? Uno me roba mi paño y otro mis carneros; el primero me pago con cánticos y el otro con balidos, y ¡todavía resulta que el culpable soy yo!
BARTOLO. ¡Sí, culpable! No hay que pegar jamás y mucho menos en la cabeza…
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¡Por vida de…! Era de noche y cuando pego no miro dónde.
PEDRO PATELIN. Ha confesado. <<Habemus confiteníum rerum>>s
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¡Al diablo con tus confites! Me pagarás el paño o te…
BARTOLO ¿Todavía el paño? ¿Se mofa de la justica? Proceso sobreseído y sin gastos.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. Apelaré. Y con usted señor…, ¡volveremos a vernos las caras! (Se va.)
Escena III
PEDRO PATELIN. (A Borreguillo.) Agradece al señor juez…
BORREGUILLO. Bee… Bee…
BARTOLO. ¡Basta! Ve, y que te trepanen, ¡desgraciado! (Se va.)
Escena IV
PEDRO PATELIN. Mira cómo gracias a mí has salido sin daño en este asunto que podía haberte mandado a la horca. Ahora cumple con tu palabra y págame bien.
BORREGUILLO. Bee…
PEDRO PATELIN. Has hecho muy bien tu papel. Ahora el dinero, ¿entiendes?
BORREGUILLO. Bee.
PEDRO PATELIN. ¡Basta ya!; basta ya de tanto balido, hombre! No se trata de eso sino de dinero: estamos solos. ¿Vas a cumplir lo que has prometido?
BORREGUILLO. Bee…
PEDRO PATELIN. ¡Bribón! ¿Me habrá engañado este borrego? ¡Vive Dios! Págame o te… (Borreguillo escapa.)
Escena V
Entra Colasilla. Viste de to…
COLASILLA. ¡Déjele en paz, señor! Lo mejor será que se preocupe de un asunto más importante.
PEDRO PATELIN. ¿Cuál es?
COLASILLA. Los golpes que ha recibido en la cabeza … han hecho caer en la cuenta de un remedio infalible: c… a su hija de usted con el hijo del señor Guillermo, ¿n… darían por bien pagados?
PEDRO PATELIN. ¿Será posible?... Pero ¿de quién… luto?
COLASILLA. Borreguillo ha dicho que iba a ser t..nado. Imagínese ahora que Borreguillo muere en la… ración y que el señor Guillermo es culpable.
PEDRO PATELIN. ¡Ah!... Ya te veo venir. No está mal… binado. Eres una joya.
COLASILLA. Con que siga el enredo será suficiente… a pedir justicia al señor juez. (Se va.)
Escena VI
PEDRO PATELIN. Lo que acaba de pasar le hará… al juez Borreguillo ha muerto, y por suerte tenemos… el señor Guillermo se ha acusado a sí mismo. Hay que… conocer que este pastor es un pícaro de siete suelas… ha engañado a mí en dos ocasiones; pero se lo perdón…consigo que mi hija haga una buena boda.
Escena VII
BARTOLO. ¿Qué dices muchacha? ¡Pobre pastor!... una muerte fulminante!
PEDRO PATELIN. En todo lugar no se habla de otra cosa. Las desgracias acostumbran a ocurrir en un momento.
COLASILLA. (Finge lloros.) ¡Ay, ay, ay!
PEDRO PATELIN. ¡Lástima de muchacha! Mal asunto éste para el señor Guillermo.
BARTOLO. Colasilla, te haré justicia. No llores más.
COLASILLA. Era mi novio. ¡Ay, ay , ay!
BARTOLO. Tranquilízate, hija mía, que todavía no era tu marido.
COLASILLA. De haberlo sido no lloraría tanto… ¡Ay, ay, ay!
BARTOLO. Castigaremos al culpable: de dado ya la orden de detención y han de traerle aquí. Voy a cumplir con la formalidad de ver al difunto. ¿Dices que está en casa de vuestro tío el cirujano? Vuelvo al instante. (Se va.)
Escena VIII
PEDRO PATELIN. Como no encuentre al muerto se descubre el pastel.
….
PEDRO PATELIN. ¿Y si alguien ve a Borreguillo?
COLASILLA. Está escondido en el granero de unos vecinos, bajo un montón de alfalfa. Y no se moverá hasta después de la boda.


Escena IX
Entra Bartolo.
BARTOLO. ¡Nunca jamás en mi vida he visto una cabeza de hombre como ésa! Los golpes y la trepanación la han deformado horriblemente. No tiene siquiera apariencia de hombre… He salido horrorizado.
COLASILLA. ¡Ah, ah, ah!
PEDRO PATELIN. Lo siento por el señor Guillermo. Era un hombre muy agradable.
BARTOLO. Yo también lo siento; pero ¿qué puedo hacer? Un hombre ha muerto y su novia me pide justicia.
PEDRO PATELIN. Colasilla, ¿de qué va a servirte que lo manden a la horca? ¿No sería mejor que…?
COLASILLA. No soy interesada ni tampoco rencorosa. Si hay alguna solución honrosa… Bien saben lo que aprecio a mi ama, su hija de usted, señor y ahijada del señor juez.
BARTOLO. ¿Mi ahijada? ¿Qué interés tienen en esto?
COLASILLA. Valero, el hijo único del señor Guillermo está enamorado de ella, y desea pedirla en matrimonio. Pero su padre le niega el permiso. Yo no sé; pero quizás ustedes, que son tan hábiles, encuentren la forma de contentar a todos.
BARTOLO. (A Patelin.) Sí. Es necesario que esta muchacha renuncie, a condición de que el señor Guillermo consienta en esa boda.
COLASILLA. ¡Qué feliz idea!
PEDRO PATELIN. Es ir hacia una buena solución…
BARTOLO. Antes de que le encarcelen han de traerle aquí y yo mismo le hablaré. ¿Está de acuerdo, Patelin?
PEDRO PATELIN. No quería casar a mi hija tan pronto pero, por salvar la vida al señor Guillermo… acepto …de… vieran de ahorcar a tal hombre.
BARTOLO. (A Colasilla.) Mientras yo espero aquí al pre…ve tú y cuida que entierren al muerto con gran secreto… no sea que se me acuse de prevaricación. (Colasilla se va.)
Escena X
PEDRO PATELIN. Por mi parte, si le parece bien, yo… a redactar un pequeñísimo contrato que le haremos firmar. (Se va.)
Escena XI
Entra el señor Guillermo y dos alguaciles.
BARTOLO. ¡Ah! ¿Usted por aquí? Bien, bien ¿sabe, don Guillermo, por qué se le ha detenido?
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. A lo que parece, ese pícaro de Borreguillo ha muerto.
BARTOLO. Yo mismo acabo de verle, y usted ha confesado antes su delito.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¡Maldición!
BARTOLO. ¡Vaya! Tengo que proponerle una solución práctica. De usted depende salir con bien de este mal paso. Y volver a su casa.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¿De mí? Ya está aceptada.
BARTOLO. No se precipite. Dígame que prefiere, ¿casar a su hijo o ir a la horca?
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. Menuda alternativa. Ni lo uno ni lo otro.
BARTOLO. Me explicaré; usted ha matado a Borreguillo, ¿no es así?
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. Yo le he pegado. Si ha muerto la culpa es suya.
BARTOLO. En modo alguno: la culpa es suya. Esté atento. El señor Patelin tiene una hija muy hermosa y discreta.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. Sí, y tan pícara como él.
BARTOLO. Su hijo está enamorado de ella.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¿Y a mí que me importa eso?
BARTOLO. Muy sencillo. La novia del muerto rechazará la acusación si acepta esa boda.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¡Pues no consiento!
BARTOLO. Que lo encarcelen.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¿A la cárcel? ¡Qué desgracia tan grande! Permítame que vaya por casa a avisar que no me esperen…
BARTOLO. No le dejen escapar.
Escena XII
Entran Pedro Patelin, Enriqueta, Valero, Colasilla.
PEDRO PATELIN. He aquí el contrato ya preparado. …señor Guillermo.) Caballero, ante esta desgracia que le aflije, toda mi familia acude a socorrerle.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¡Familia de marrulleros!
BARTOLO. Veamos. Estas son las partes insteresadas… cidase pronto. ¿Quiere verse libre?
SEÑOR GUILLERMO ¡Desde luego!
BARTOLO. Entonces firme este contrato.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. De ningún modo.
BARTOLO. ¡A la cárcel y encadenado de pies!
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¡Con cadenas en los pies! Va muy de prisa, señor juez.
BARTOLO. Esto no es nada. Dentro de un rato lo ap..caremos el momento para que declare.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¿Van a darme tormento?
BARTOLO. Sí, ordinario y extraordinario; y le condenaremos a la horca.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¡Ahorcarme! ¡Misericordia, piedad… Dios mío!
BARTOLO. Firme, y no se haga de rogar. Si vacila es perdido. Dentro de un momento ya será tarde.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¡Cielos! ¿Qué otro recurso me queda? (Firma).
BARTOLO. Ya lo decía un médico célebre: los golpes en la cabeza son fatales… Así, está bien. Ahora quemaremos los autos. Y le felicito, señor Guillermo.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¡Famoso negocio el mío!
PEDRO PATELIN. Caballero, el honor de esta alianza…
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. No le cuesta muy cara.
VALERO. Padre, le prometo…
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¡Vete al mismísimo diablo!
ENRIQUETA. Caballero, siento mucho…
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. Y yo también lo siento, créame.
COLASILLA. ¿Qué indemnización van a darme por la pérdida de mi novio?
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. Los carneros que me robó.
Escena XIII
Entran un campesino y Borreguillo.
CAMPESINO. ¡A la cárcel! ¡A la cárcel!
BORREGUILLO. ¡Misericordia!
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. Traidor, ¿así es que no estás muerto? ¡Te voy a matar porque ya he pagado por hacerlo!
BARTOLO. Un momento. ¿De dónde sale este fantasma?
CAMPESINO. Estaba en nuestro granero. Y le llevo a la cárcel.
BARTOLO. ¿Ya no tienes heridas en la cabeza?...
BORREGUILLO. Me parece que no.
BARTOLO. Entonces. ¿ qué es lo que he visto en la cama de tu casa?
BORREGUILLO. Una cabeza de carnero.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¡Vamos, si no ha muerto, devuélvanme el contrato para que pueda romperlo!
BARTOLO. Es de razón.
PEDRO PATELIN. Desde luego, en el caso de cumplir la cláusula de retracción en la que se estipulan diez mil escudos.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¡Diez mil escudos! Será mejor, dejar las cosas como están; aunque espero que se me paguen los trescientos escudos de la deuda de su padre.
PEDRO PATELIN. Desde luego, contra entrega del recibo que él firmará.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¿Del recibo?... Y ¿mis seis varas?...
PEDRO PATELIN. Es el regalo de bodas.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¿Es regalo?... ¿Probaré por lo menos la oca?
PEDRO PATELIN. ¡Si lo hubiera dicho antes! ¡Nos la hemos comido este mediodía!
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¡Este criado mío va a pagar por todo y será ahorcado!
VALERO. Perdone, padre, ha llegado el momento de confesar que todo se ha hecho por mi deseo.
SEÑOR GUILLERMO. ¡Adiós, paño y carneros!
FIN DEL ACTO TERCERO Y ÚLTIMO ACTO.











5/5/16

THE SKIN OF OUR TEETH Thornton Wilder

THE SKIN OF
OUR TEETH

Thornton Wilder
Adapted by
Arthur M. Pittis

CHARACTERS (in the order of appearance)
ANCHOR MAN
ANCHOR WOMAN
WEATHER MAN
FEMALE REPORTER
DOOMSDAY MINISTRY PROPHET
SABINA: a sultry maid
STAGE MANAGER
MRS. ANTROBUS
DINOSAUR
MAMMOTH
STAGE HANDS: 1, 2 & 3
GLADYS ANTROBUS: a schoolgirl
HENRY ANTROBUS: a teenager
MR. ANTROBUS
JUDGE MOSES
HOMER
MUSES: 1, 2, 3
USHERS: 1 & 2
GREAT APE
REPRESENTATIVES OF ANIMALS
REVELERS & CONVENTIONEERS
FORTUNE TELLER
BROADCAST CREW: Sound Technician
BROADCAST CREW: Cameraman
SUBSTITUTE 1
SUBSTITUTE 2
SUBSTITUTE 3
SUBSTITUTE 4
Act 1. Antrobus home, Excelsior, New Jersey.
Act II. Atlantic City, New Jersey.
Act III. Antrobus home, Excelsior, New Jersey.

Time: Yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

Act I
[Lights dim; Projection: Classic newsroom w/ two anchors.]
MALE ANCHOR: [On camera.]
Good evening America, Bob Buzley, for WOW News. And good
evening, Tiffany; what’s with that developing story about the
impending end of the world?
FEMALE ANCHOR: [On camera.]
Well, not much. Looks like we’re still here. [Turning page.] Here
in New York the sun rose this morning at 6:32 a.m. just as
expected. Looks like the Doomsday Ministry’s claim that the
world would end at 6:30 a.m. was a dud.
[Cut: Classic weather shot.]
MALE ANCHOR: [Off camera.]
Good thing for us. Well, Mr. Weather Guy, what happened.
WEATHER MAN: [On camera.]
Like she said, Bob, not much. Everything’s pretty normal; in fact,
things are looking up. Remember that ice sheet that’s been
moving south across Ontario? Scientists say it’s slowed,
advanced only 320 miles in the past ten hours.
[Cut: Classic newsroom w/ 2 anchors.]
MALE ANCHOR: [On camera.]
Thank you Mr. Weather Guy; that’s good news. In an unrelated
story, President Wil B. Dunn announced that the US would no
longer export of snow shovels to Mexico. I’m sure some amigos
are not too happy about that.
FEMALE ANCHOR: [On camera.]
Buuurrr-issimo, Bob! We take you now to the Doomsday Ministry
Headquarters in San Diego, California where our reporter
Sunshine Morning has Prophet Klump on live feed.
[Cut: Classic reporter shot. Snow blowing: we can barely see & hear.]
FEMALE ANCHOR: [Off camera.]
Well, Sunshine, how does it feel to have lived through the end of
the world?
FEMALE REPORTER: [On camera.]
Pretty good, Bob; I just bought a new bathing suit. But all joking
aside, I have Prophet Klump here with me. Prophet Klump, how
do you explain the world not ending this morning.
PROPHET KLUMP: [On camera.]
Time zones. When I found myself still in my body this morning, I
looked at my watch and realized that it was made in China.
[Holding up watch.] China, you see, is a whole bunch of time
zones away. My latest calculations . . .
FEMALE REPORTER: [On camera.]
Sunshine Morning reporting for WOW news from San Diego,
California.
[Cut: Classic newsroom w/ 2 anchors.]
FEMALE ANCHOR: [On camera.]
Thank you, Sunshine. And now for our human-interest story, we
take you to the suburban Excelsior, New Jersey, home of George and Maggie Antrobus and their two children Henry and Gladys.
[Cut: videos: Mr. & Mrs. Antrobus before house displaying objects.]
MALE ANCHOR: [Voice over.]
George is the inventor of the wheel, the lever, the garden, and so
many other every day devices we could hardly begin to list them
all.
FEMALE ANCHOR: [Voice over.]
And Maggie is credited with inventing the pot, the spoon, the
needle, and let’s not forget the apron. Like her husband, she
comes from very old stock. Let’s drop in now on her lovely
suburban home.
[Cut: Classic newsroom w/ 2 anchors.]
MALE ANCHOR: [Voice over.]
But who was that other woman in the living room?
FEMALE ANCHOR: [Voice over.]
Oh, that’s the maid, Lily Sabrina.
MALE ANCHOR: [Voice over.]
Hmmm, but given the many useful things we can thank the
Antrobuses for I suppose they deserve a little help.
[CURTAIN.
[Suburban living room. SABINA straw-blonde, over-rouged, is
standing by back center window, feather duster under her elbow.]
SABINA:
Oh, oh, oh! Six o'clock and the master’s not home yet. Pray God
nothing serious has happened to him. If anything happened to
him, we would certainly be inconsolable and have to move into a
less desirable neighborhood.
The fact is I don't know what'll become of us. Here it is the
middle of August and the coldest day of the year. It's simply
freezing; the dogs are sticking to the sidewalks; can anybody
explain that? No.
But I’m not surprised. The whole world's at sixes and sevens, and
why the house hasn't fallen down about our ears long ago is a
miracle to me.
[Fragment of the right wall leans precipitously over stage; SABINA
looks at it seriously until it slowly rights itself.]
Every night this same anxiety as to whether the master will get
home safely: whether he'll bring home anything to eat. In the
midst of life we are in the midst of death, a truer word was never
said.
[Fragment of scenery collapses SABINA is startled dumb with surprise,
so she jiggles her shoulders and starts dusting MR. ANTROBUS' chair,
including the under side.]
Of course, Mr. Antrobus is a very fine man, an excellent husband
and the pillar of the community.
[She dusts MRS, ANTROBUS' rocking chair.]
Mrs. Antrobus is as fine a woman as you could hope to see. She
lives only for her children; and if it would be any benefit to her
children she'd see the rest of us stretched out dead at her feet without turning a hair, — that's the truth. If you want to know
anything more about Mrs. Antrobus, just go and look at a tigress,
and look hard.
As to the children —
Well, Henry Antrobus is a real, clean-cut American boy. He'll
graduate from High School one of these days, if they make the
alphabet any easier. — Henry, when he has a stone in his hand,
has a perfect aim; he can hit anything from a bird to an older
brother —Oh! I didn't mean to say that! —but it certainly was an
unfortunate accident, and it was very hard getting the police out
of the house.
Mr. and Mrs. Antrobus' daughter is named Gladys. She'll make
some good man a good wife some day, if he'll just come down off
the movie screen and ask her.
So here we are!
We’ve managed to survive for some time now, catch as catch can,
the fat and the lean, and if the dinosaurs don't trample us to
death, and if the grasshoppers don't eat up our garden, we'll all
live to see better days, knock on wood.
We've rattled along, hot and cold, for some time now . . .
[Another wall collapses.]
—and my advice to you is just enjoy your ice cream while it's in
your bowl, —that's my philosophy
Don't forget that it wasn’t that many years ago we came through
the credit crisis by the skin of our teeth! One more tight squeeze
like that and where will we be?
[This is a cue line; SABINA looks angrily at the kitchen door and
repeats:]
. . . by the skin of our teeth; one more tight squeeze like that and
where will we be?
[Flustered, she looks through the opening made by the fallen wall then
goes to the window and reopens the Act.]
Oh, oh, oh! Six o'clock and the master’s not home yet. Pray God
nothing has happened to him. Here it is the middle of August
and the coldest day of the year. It's simply freezing; the dogs are
sticking. One more tight squeeze like that and where will we be?
Yes, where will we be? Oh, where will we be?
STAGE MANAGER: [From offstage.]
Make up something! Invent something!
SABINA:
Well . . . uh . . . this certainly is a fine home . . . and —uh . . .
everybody's very happy . . . and —uh . . .
[She suddenly flings pretense to the wind and comes downstage,
indignantly addressing audience.]
I can't do this. I hate this play. I don't understand a single word
of it, anyway, —all about the troubles the human race has gone
through, there's a subject for you.
Besides, the author hasn't made up his silly mind as to whether
we're all living back in caves or in New Jersey today, and that's
the way it is all the way through.
Oh —why can't we have plays like we used to — Thor and the
Giants or The Sound of Music —good family entertainment with a
tune you can whistle when leaving the theater?
God in Heaven!
[ENTER STAGE MANAGER: head through the hole in the scenery.]
STAGE MANAGER:
Ms [actor’s name]!! Ms [actor’s name]!
SABINA:
Oh! Whatever! It'll all be the same in a hundred years.
[Loudly.] We came through the Depression by the skin of our
teeth, that's true! — one more tight squeeze like that and where
will we be?
ENTER MRS. ANTROBUS, in apron
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Sabina, you've let the fire go out.
SABINA:
In a lather:
One-thing-and-another; don't-know-whether-my-wits-are-
upside-or-down; might-as-well- be-dead-as-alive-in-a -house-all-
sixes-and-sevens. . . .
MRS. ANTROBUS:
You've let the fire go out. Here it is the coldest day of the year
right in the middle of August, and you've let the fire go out.
SABINA:
Mrs. Antrobus, I’m giving my two weeks, Mrs. Antrobus. A girl
like I can get a situation in a home where they're rich enough to
have a fire in every room, and Mrs. Antrobus, don't have to carry
the responsibility of the whole house on her two shoulders. And
without children, Mrs. Antrobus, because children are a thing
only a parent can stand, and a home, Mrs. Antrobus, where the
master don't pinch decent, self-respecting girls in a dark corridor.
I mention no names. So you have my notice, Mrs. Antrobus. I
hope that's perfectly clear.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
You've let the fire go out! —Have you milked the mammoth?
SABINA:
[To audience.] Do you understand a word of this play? —Yes, I've
milked the mammoth.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Until Mr. Antrobus comes home we have no food and we have
no fire, You'd better go over to the neighbors and borrow some
fire.
SABINA:
Mrs. Antrobus! I can't! I'd die on the way, you know I would. It's
worse than January. The dogs are sticking to the sidewalks. I'd
die.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Very well, I'll go.
SABINA:
[Even more distraught, sinking to her knees.]
You'd never come back alive; if you weren't here, we'd perish.
How do we know Mr. Antrobus'll be back? We don't know.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Get up, Sabina.
SABINA:
Every night it's the same thing. Will he come back safe, or won't
he? Will we starve to death, or freeze to death, or boil to death, or
be eaten by saber-tooth tigers? I don't know why we go on living.
I don't know why we go on living at all. It's easier being dead.
[She flings her arms on the table and buries her head in them. In each of
the succeeding speeches she flings her head up — and sometimes her
hands — then quickly buries her head again.]
MRS. ANTROBUS:
The same thing! Always throwing in the sponge, Sabina. Always
announcing your own death. But give you a new dress — or a
bowl of ice cream — or a ticket to the movies, and you want to
live forever.
SABINA:
You don't care whether we live or die; all you care about is those
children. If it would be any benefit to them you'd be glad to see
us all stretched out dead.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Well, maybe I would.
SABINA:
And what do they care about? Themselves —that's all they care
about.
[Shrilly.] They make fun of you behind your back. They're
ashamed of you. Half the time, they pretend they're someone
else's children. Little thanks you get from them.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
I'm not asking for any thanks.
SABINA:
And Mr. Antrobus —you don't understand him. All that work he
does —trying to discover the alphabet and the multiplication
table. Whenever he tries to learn anything you fight against it.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Oh, Sabina, I know you.
When Mr. Antrobus carried you home from that raid on the
Sabine hills, he did it to insult me.
He did it for your pretty face, and to insult me.
You were the new trophy wife, weren’t you?
For a year or two you lay on your bed all day and painted the
nails on your hands and feet.
And I washed your underclothes and I made you lattes.
I bore children and between my very groans I stirred the cream
that you'd put on your face.
But I knew you wouldn't last.
You didn't last.
SABINA:
But it was I who encouraged Mr. Antrobus to make the alphabet.
I’m sorry to say it, Mrs. Antrobus, but you're not a beautiful
woman, and you can never know what a man could do if he tried.
It's girls like I who inspire the multiplication table.
I'm sorry to say it, but you're not a beautiful woman, Mrs.
Antrobus, and that's the God's truth.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
And you didn't last —you sank to the kitchen. And what do you
do there? YOU LET THE FIRE GO OUT!
No wonder you think it’s easier being dead.
Reading and writing and counting on your fingers is all very well
in their way, —but I keep the home going.
—There's that dinosaur on the front lawn again. —Shoo! Go
away. Go away.
[ENTER baby DINOSAUR: head in the window.]
DINOSAUR:
It's cold.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
You go around back where you belong.
DINOSAUR:
It's cold.
[DINOSAUR disappears. MRS. ANTROBUS begins to calmly exit
when final scenery wall collapses. SABINA throws up her arms &
collapses into tears. ENTER STAGEHANDS 1, 2 & 3 & proceed to
fix fallen scenery. ENTER DINOSAUR & MOMMOTH, sneakily.]
SABINA:
I never wanted this part. That idiot director said it would be
good for me: I would have a break through.
STAGE HAND 1:
A hand here, please.
SABINA:
If I wasn’t getting graded I’d walk out this very minute. [Noticing
STAGE HANDS.]
Agh! Mrs. Antrobus! Mrs. Antrobus! Help! There's strange men
in the house!
STAGE HAND 1:
Mrs. Antrobus, could you stand here, please, just a moment, then
you can get on with the show.
[She accommodates; they work at raising walls. ANIMALS begin to
whimper.]
MRS. ANTROBUS: [To ANIMALS.]
Will you be quiet?
[They nod.]
Young man, have you any fire with you?
[STAGE HAND 2 nods & produces a lighter.]
STAGE HAND 2:
Yes, mam.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Sabina, take this thing and go and light the stove.
[To ANIMALS.]
Have you had your supper?
[They nod. She begins to chat with STAGE HANDS.]
Any news about that wall of ice?
STAGE HAND 3: [He makes a doubtful shrug with his shoulders.]
Heard it’s covered the whole mid-west and closing in on Trenton.
[The ANIMALS cozy up to STAGE HAND 2, leaning against him like
heraldic beasts. Unable to move, he takes an interest in conversation.]
SABINA: [Lighting fire.]
Like I told you, Mrs. Antrobus, I’ve given notice. I hope that's
perfectly clear.
[MRS. ANTROBUS’ phone buzzes; she opens it.]
MRS. ANTROBUS:
“Hi: running late. Busy day. Don't worry children about cold just
keep them warm. Burn everything but Shakespeare."
[Pause.]
Men! —He knows I'd burn ten Shakespeares to prevent a child of
mine from catching cold.
[Reads on.]
"Great discoveries today: separated em from en."
SABINA:
I know what that is, that's the alphabet, yes it is. Mr. Antrobus is
just the cleverest man. Why, when the alphabet's finished, we'll
be able to tell the future and everything.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
"Ten tens make a hundred.”
The earth's turning to ice, and all he can do is to make up new
numbers.
[Reads on.]
"Three cheers: invented wheel.”
What’s a wheel?
SABINA:
Haven’t a clue.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
My, this is a long message. Oh, listen to this!
“♬♬♬ ) ann'vers'ry 2 u, )ann'vers'ry 2 u-"
[ANIMALS begin to howl soulfully; SABINA screams with pleasure.]
Dolly! Frederick! Be quiet,
DINOSAUR & MAMMOTH:
"♬♬♬ ) ann'vers'ry, dear Eva; ) ann'vcr’s’ry 2 u.”
MRS. ANTROBUS:
The earth's getting so silly no wonder the sun turns cold,
SABINA:
Mrs, Antrobus, I want to take back the notice I gave you, Mrs.
Antrobus, I don't want to leave a house that gets such interesting
messages and I'm sorry for anything I said, I really am.
Can you believe that line.
[The STAGE HANDS finish their work & gather up tools.]
MRS. ANTROBUS: [Noticing the repaired walls.]
Young men, I'd like to give you something for all this trouble.
STAGE HAND 2:
Think nothing of it, m’am. I don't like to ... appear to ... ask for
anything, but . . .
MRS. ANTROBUS:
What is it?
STAGE HAND 2: [With lowered eyes.]
Well, Mrs. Antrobus. Mrs. Antrobus, can I ask you for some
advice? I have two sons of my own; if the cold gets worse, what
should I do?
SABINA:
Perish, that's what we’ll do. Cold like this in August is just the
end of the world.
[Silence.]
MRS. ANTROBUS:
I don't know. After all, what does one do about anything? Just
keep them warm. And don't let your wife and children see that
you're worried.
STAGE HAND 2:
Yes . . . Thank you, Mrs. Antrobus. Well, we'd better be going.
We’re not in the script, you know, and there’s still an awful lot of
the pages left in this play.
[EXIT STAGE HANDS.]
[WOMEN see them out; goodbyes & injunctions to keep warm.]
[EXIT SABINA.]
MRS. ANTROBUS:
[Thoughtful; to ANIMALS.]
Do you ever remember hearing tell of any cold like this in
August?
[The ANIMALS shake their heads.]
From your grandmothers, anyone?
[They shake their heads.]
Any suggestions what to do?
[They shake their heads. She pulls her shawl around, goes to the front
door and opening it an inch and calling.]
HENRY. GLADYS. CHILDREN. Come right in and get warm. No,
no, when mama says a thing she means it.
Henry! HENRY. Put down that stone. You know what happened
last time.
[Shrieks.]
HENRY! Put down that stone!
Gladys! Put down your dress!! Try and be a lady.
[ENTER HENRY & GLADYS [They bound in & dash to fire,
flinging their coats on floor.]
GLADYS:
Mama; I’m hungry. Mama, why is it so cold?
HENRY: [At the same time.]
Mama, maybe, it'll snow and we can make snowballs.
GLADYS:
Mama, it's so cold that in one more minute I just couldn't of stood
it.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Settle down, both of you, I want to talk to you.
[She draws up hassock and sits front center before imaginary fire.
CHILDREN stretch our on floor, leaning against her lap. Tableau by
Raphael. ANIMALS edge up and complete triangle.]
It's just a cold spell of some kind. Now listen to what I'm saying:
When your father comes home I want you to be extra quiet.
He's had a hard day at the office and he may have one of his
moods.
I just got a text from him: very happy and excited, and you know
what that means. His temper's so uneven.
[Shriek.]
Henry! Henry!
Why —why can't you remember to keep your hair down over
your forehead? You must keep that scar covered. Don't you
know that when your father sees it he goes crazy.
[After a moment’s despair she collects herself decisively, wets the hem of
her apron in her mouth and starts polishing his forehead vigorously.]
Lift your head up. Stop squirming. Blessed me, sometimes I think
that it's going away —and then there it is: just as red as ever.
HENRY:
Mama, today at school two teachers called me by my old name.
Right out in class they called me Cain.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
[Putting her hand over his mouth, too late; hoarsely.]
Don't say it.
[Polishing feverishly.]
If you're good they'll forget it. Henry, you didn't hit anyone . . .
today, did you?
HENRY:
Oh . . . no-o-o!
MRS. ANTROBUS:
[Still working, not looking at Gladys.]
And, Gladys, I want you to be especially nice to your father
tonight. You know what he calls you when you're good —his
little angel, his little star. Keep your dress down like a little lady.
And keep your voice nice and low. Gladys Antrobus!! What's
that red stuff on your face?
[Slaps her.]
You're a filthy detestable child!
[Rises in real, though temporary, repudiation and despair.]
Get away from me, both of you! I wish I'd never seen sight or
sound of you. Let the cold come! I can't stand it. I don't want to
go on.
[She walks away.]
GLADYS: [Weeping.]
All the girls at school do, Mama.
MRS. ANTROBUS: [Shrieking.]
I'm through with you! —Sabina! Sabina! —Don't you know your
father'd go crazy if he saw that paint on your face? Don't you
know your father thinks you're perfect? Sabina!
ENTER SABINA.
SABINA:
Yes, Mrs. Antrobus!
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Take this girl out into the kitchen and wash her face with the
scrubbing brush.
MR. ANTROBUS: [Outside, roaring.]
"I've been working on the railroad, all the livelong day ... etc."
[ANIMALS run around, bellowing. SABINA rushes to window.]
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Sabina, what's that noise outside?
SABINA:
Oh, it's a giant, Mrs. Antrobus. We'll all be killed in our beds, I
know it!
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Help me quick. Quick. Everybody.
[They stack all furniture against door: MR. ANTROBUS pounds &
bellows.]
Who is it? What do you want? —Sabina, have you any boiling
water ready? —Who is it?
MR. ANTROBUS:
Broken-down camel of a pig's snout, open this door.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
God be praised! It's your father. —Just a minute, George! Sabina,
clear the door, quick. Gladys, come here while I clean your nasty
face!
MR. ANTROBUS:
She-witch of a goat's gizzard, I'll break every bone in your body.
Let me in or I'll tear the whole house down.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Just a minute, George, something's the matter with the lock.
MR. ANTROBUS:
Open the door or I'll tear your livers out. I'll grind your bones to
make my bread, and Devil take the hindmost.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Now, you can open the door, Sabina. I'm ready.
ENTER. MR. ANTROBUS [The door is flung open. Silence stands there in a fur cap &
blanket. His arms are full of parcels, including a large stone wheel with a whole in the
center. One hand carries a railroad man's lantern". Suddenly he bursts into a joyous
roar.]
MR. ANTROBUS:
Well, how's the whole crooked family?
[Relief. Laughter. Tears. Jumping up & down. ANIMALS cavorting. MR.
ANTROBUS throws the parcels on the ground. Hurls his cap and blanket after
them. Heroic embraces. Melee of HUMANS and ANIMALS, SABINA included.]
I'll be scalded and tarred if a man can't get a little welcome when
he comes home. Well, Maggie, you old gunny-sack, how's the
broken down old weather hen? –Sabina, old fish bait, old
skunkpot. —And the children, —how've the little smellers been?
GLADYS:
Papa, Papa, Papa, Papa, Papa.
MR. ANTROBUS:
How've they been, Maggie?
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Well, I must say, they've been as good as gold. I haven't had to
raise my voice once. I don't know what's the matter with them.
MR. ANTROBUS: [Kneeling before GLADYS.]
Papa's little weasel, eh? —Sabina, there's some food for you.
Papa's little gopher?
GLADYS: [Her arm around his neck.]
Papa, you're always teasing me.
MR. ANTROBUS:
And Henry? Nothing rash today, I hope. Nothing rash?
HENRY:
No, Papa.
MR. ANTROBUS: [Roaring.]
Well that's good, that's good —I'll bet Sabina let the fire go out.
SABINA:
Mr. Antrobus, I've given my notice. I'm sorry, but I'm leaving.
MR. ANTROBUS: [Roaring.]
Well, if you leave now you'll freeze to death, so go and cook the
dinner.
SABINA:
You heard what I said.
EXIT SABINA.
MR. ANTROBUS:
Did you get my message?
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Yes. —What's a wheel?
[MR. ANTHROBUS indicates with glance. HENRY rolling it around.
Rapid hushed interchange:]
MRS. ANTROBUS:
What does this cold weather mean? It's below freezing.
MR. ANTROBUS:
Not before the children!
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Shouldn't we do something about it? —head south, move?
MR. ANTROBUS:
Not before the children!!!
[He gives HENRY a sharp slap]
HENRY:
Papa, you hit me!
MR. ANTROBUS:
Well, remember it. That's to make you remember today. Today.
The day the alphabet's finished; and the day that we saw the
hundred —then hundred hundred, the hundred hundred
hundred. —there's no end to 'em.
What a day!
Take a look at that wheel, Maggie —when I've got it . . .
There's a reward there for all the walking you've done.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
How do you mean?
MR. ANTROBUS:
Standing on the hassock, looking triumphantly across audience.
Maggie, we've reached the top of the wave. There's not much
more to be done. We're almost there!
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Cutting across his mood sharply.
And the ice?
MR. ANTROBUS:
The ice!
HENRY:
Playing with the wheel.
Papa, you could put a chair on this.
MR. ANTROBUS: [Broodingly.]
Ye-e-s, any booby can fool with it now, —but I thought of it first.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Children, go into the kitchen. I want to talk to your father alone.
EXIT HENRY & GLADYS.
ANTROBUS has moved to his chair up left, unfolds newspaper &
begins to read. The ANIMALS put their paws up on the arms of chair:
MRS. ANTROBUS faces him across the room like a judge.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Well?
MR. ANTROBUS: [Shortly.]
It's cold. —How things been, eh? Keck, keck, keck.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
I know it's cold.
MR. ANTROBUS: [To ANIMALS.]
No messing in the neighbor’s yard, y'know what I mean?
MRS. ANTROBUS:
You can try and keep us from freezing to death, can't you? You
can do something? We can start moving. We can go on the
animal’s backs?
MR. ANTROBUS:
Best thing about animals is they can’t talk.
MAMMOTH:
It's cold.
MR. ANTROBUS:
Eh, eh, eh! Watch that! —
[MRS. ANTROBUS is about to march off when she catches sight of
REFUGEES, who have appeared in back of theatre.]
ENTER REFUGESS, from back of auditorium.
REFUGEES:
Mr. Antrobus! Mr. Antrobus! Mr. An-nn-tro-bus!
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Who's that? Who's that calling you?
MR. ANTROBUS:
Clearing his throat guiltily.
Hm —let me see.
[REFUGEES huddle outside window.]
REFUGEE 1:
Could we warm our hands for a moment, Mr. Antrobus. It's very
cold, Mr. Antrobus.
REFUGEE 2:
Mr. Antrobus, I wonder if you have a piece of bread or
something.
[Silence. REFUGEES wait humbly. MRS. ANTROBUS stands rooted
to spot. Suddenly, a short rapid knock, then another & another.]
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Who are these people? Why, they're all over the front yard.
What have they come here for?
ENTER SABINA.
SABINA:
Mrs. Antrobus! There are some tramps knocking at the back door.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
George, tell these people to go away. Tell them to move right
along. I'll go and send them away from the back door. Sabina,
come with me,
EXIT MRS. ANTROBUS energetically.
MR. ANTROBUS:
Sabina! Stay here!
[He goes to the door, opens it a crack, talks through.]
Just a few minutes longer. It'll be all right . . . There'll be coffee
and sandwiches in a moment.
[SABINA looks out door over his shoulder & suddenly her arm,
pointing, with a scream.]
SABINA:
Mr. Antrobus, what's that?? —that big white thing? Mr. Antrobus,
it's ICE. It's ICE!!
MR. ANTROBUS:
Sabina, I want you to go in the kitchen and make a lot of coffee.
Make a whole pail full.
SABINA:
Pail full!!
MR. ANTROBUS: [Gesturing descriptively.]
And sandwiches . . . piles of them . . . like this.
SABINA:
Mr.An . . . !!
[Suddenly she drops character, speaks to herself out loud in surprise.]
Oh, I see what this part of the play means now! This means
refugees. Oh, great! And what’ll happen to my job then?
[She crosses to the proscenium leans against it & bursts into tears.]
STAGE MANAGER: [Through sound system.]
Ms. [actor’s name]!
SABINA: [Energetically, to the audience.]
This play is so stupid. One minute it’s in the 1930s, then it’s right now,
and then . . . And then this ice-business —why, it’s laughable; every
school child knows the ice age was a long, long time ago.
STAGE MANAGER [Now on stage.]
Ms. [actor’s name]!!!
MR. ANTROBUS:
Even if you don’t care about your grade, there are others who do!
[Renewed knocking on door.]
SABINA:
All right, all right. Go ahead, impress the teacher! Get your lousy
A! Just get off my case. Okay! You win.
ENTER MRS. ANTROBUS.
[One last parting shot to audience.]
Just wait until you see what he’s got in store for you. Macbeth!
[Everyone’s perturbed by mention of the “Scottish play” in theater.]
EXIT SABINA.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
George, these tramps say that you asked them to come to the
house. What does this mean?
[Increasing knocking at door.]
MR. ANTROBUS:
Just . . . uh . . . . Just a few fi-iends, Maggie, I met on the road.
Real nice, real useful people . . . .
[Her back to door.]
MRS. ANTROBUS:
George Antrobus, not another soul comes in here, over my dead
body.
MR. ANTROBUS:
Maggie, there's an old man, particular friend of mine-
MRS. ANTROBUS:
I don't care if he perishes. We can do without him and whoever
else you’ve picked up on the road.
We can't do without food.
MR. ANTROBUS:
Well, there's the man . . . who makes all the laws. Judge
Moses! . . . Think of Henry! It will be good to have a judge on our
side if the ice melts and we pull through! See he’s all set; he has
laws, chiseled in stone! Right there, see!
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Stop shouting, George. [She notices several refugees in particular.]
Who are those women?
MR. ANTROBUS: [Coughs.]
Nine sisters . . . sort of music teachers . . . and one of them recites
and one of them dances and . . .
MRS. ANTROBUS:
That takes the cake. A girl group! Well, take your choice: live or
die. Starve your own children before your very eyes, all for some
American Idol wannabes.
MR. ANTROBUS: [Gently.]
These people don't take much. They're used to starving.
Besides, Maggie, listen: no, listen: Who've we got in the house to
help? Sabina? Look at how she acts —a quitter. Maggie, these
people never give up. They live forever.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
[Walks slowly to the middle of the room.]
All right, let them in. Let them in. You're master here.
Softly.
—But these animals must go. Enough's enough.
MR. ANTROBUS:
Sadly.
All right. Come on, baby, come on Frederick. Come for a walk.
That's a good little fellow.
DINOSAUR:
It's cold.
MR. ANTROBUS:
Yes, nice cold fresh air. Bracing.
He holds the door open.
ANIMALS EXIT.
He beckons refugees to enter.
ENTER REFUGEES typical homeless types.
[They shuffle in and wait humbly & expectantly: JUDGE MOSES
wears a skullcap. HOMER is a blind beggar with guitar; MUSES
dance & sing & recite. MR. ANTROBUS introduces each to MRS.
ANTROBUS who greets each with a regal dip of her head.]
MR. ANTROBUS:
Make yourself at home . . . m . . . Coffee'll be here in a minute . . . .
Professor, this is my wife . . . . And: ... Judge . . . Maggie, you know the
Judge. Maggie, you know . . . you know Homer? —Come right in, Judge.
Miss Muse —are your sisters here? [She indicates.] Oh, good.
Come right in . . . .
MRS. ANTROBUS: [With gracious Southern hostess accent.]
Pleased to meet y’all. Just . . . make yourselves comfortable.
Supper'll be ready soon.
EXIT MRS. ANTROBUS, abruptly.
MR. ANTROBUS:
Make yourself at home, friends. I'll be right back.
EXIT MR. ANTROBUS, worried.
[The REFUGEES stare about them in awe, presently several start to
whisper, "Homer! Homer!" All take it up the call until HOMER rises
and strums his guitar, chanting:]
HOMER:
Mênin aeide, thea, Pêlêiadeô Achilêos
Oulomenên, hê muri' Achaiois alge' ethêke,
Pollas d’iphthimous psuchas Aidi proiapson . . .
[HOMER'S face shows he is lost in rhapsodic trance as the words die
away. REFUGEES nod dreamily. Soon some start to whisper "Moses,
Moses!" as an old bearded man rises dramatically and recites.]
MOSES:
Be·re·shit ba·ra e·lo·him; et ha·sha·ma·yim ve·'et ha·'a·retz.
Ve·ha·'a·retz ha·ye·tah to·hu va·vo·hu, ve·cho·shech al-pe·nei
te·ho·vm; Ve·ru·ach e·lo·him, me·ra·che·fet al-pe·nei ham·ma·yim.
[Same dying away of words as REFUGEES nod in remembrance. Some
of them murmuring, “Yes, yes.” Mood broken by abrupt entrance.]
ENTER MR. ANTROBUS & SABINA bearing platters of
sandwiches and a pail of coffee. SABINA stops and stares at guests.
MR. ANTROBUS:
Sabina, pass the sandwiches.
SABINA:
I thought I was working in a respectable house that had
respectable guests. I'm giving my notice, Mr. Antrobus.
MR. ANTROBUS:
Sabina! Pass the sandwiches.
SABINA:
Two weeks, that's the law.
MR. ANTROBUS:
There's the law. That's Moses.
SABINA: [Stares.]
The Ten Commandments-FAUGH!!-(To Audience)
That's the worst line I've ever had to say on any stage.
EXIT SABINA
MRS. ANTROBUS:
The roads are crowded, I hear?
THE GUESTS: [Talking all at once.]
Oh, ma'am, you can't imagine .... You can hardly put one foot
before you . . . people are trampling one another.
Sudden silence.
[All eyes are fixed on him, waiting.]
MISS M. MUSE:
How many children have you, Mrs. Antrobus?
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Two, a boy and a girl.
MOSES: [Softly.]
I understood you had two sons, Mrs. Antrobus.
[MRS. ANTROBUS in blind suffering walks toward the apron.]
MRS. ANTROBUS: [In a low voice.]
Abel, Abel, my son, my son, Abel, my son, Abel, Abel, my son.
[REFUGEES move toward her comfortingly, muttering words in Hebrew, Greek, German, etc.]
[A piercing shriek from kitchen: SABINA’s voice. All heads turn.]
ENTER SABINA, bursting with indignation, pulling on her gloves.
SABINA:
Mr. Antrobus —that son of yours, that boy Henry Antrobus —I
don't stay in this house another moment! —He's not fit to live
among respectable folks and that's a fact.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Don't say another word, Sabina. I'll be right back.
EXIT MRS. ANTROBUS.
SABINA:
Mr. Antrobus, Henry has thrown a stone again and if he hasn't
killed the boy next door, I'm very much mistaken. He finished his
supper and went out to play; and then I saw it. I saw it with my
own eyes. And it looked to me like stark murder.
ENTER MRS. ANTROBUS & HENRY shielding him.
[A large scarlet scar in shape of a “C” is visible on HENRY'S forehead.
MR. ANTROBUS starts toward him. A pause.]
HENRY: [Under his breath.]
He was going to take the wheel away from me. He threw the first stone.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
George, it was just a boyish impulse. Remember how young he is.
[Louder, in an urgent wail.]
George, he's only four thousand years old.
EXIT HENRY.
SABINA:
And everything was going along so nicely!
[Silence. MR. ANTROBUS goes back to the fireplace.]
MR. ANTROBUS:
Put out the fire! Put out all the fires.
[Violently.]
No wonder the sun grows cold.
[He starts stamping out the fireplace.]
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Doctor! Judge! Help me! —George, have you lost your mind?
MR. ANTROBUS:
There is no mind. We'll not try to live.
[To the guests.]
Give it up. Give up trying.
[MRS. ANTROBUS seizes him.]
SABINA:
Mr. Antrobus! I'm downright ashamed of you.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
George, have some more coffee. —Gladys! Where's Gladys gone?
ENTER GLADYS frightened.
GLADYS:
Here I am, mama.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Go upstairs and bring your father's slippers, How could you
forget a thing like that, when you know how tired he is?
EXIT GLADYS
[MR. ANTROBUS sits in his chair. He covers his face with his hands.
MRS. ANTROBUS turns to the REFUGEES.]
Can't some of you sing? It's your business to sing, isn't it? Sabina!
[Several MUSES clear their throats tentatively as REFUGEES gather
around HOMER. He strums a few chords, almost inaudibly they sing
“Jingle Bells”, led by SABINA. MRS. ANTROBUS crosses to Mr.
ANTROBUS, and whispering, removes his shoes.]
George, remember all the other times. When the volcanoes came
right up in the front yard.
And when the grasshoppers ate every blade of grass, and the
Nile turned to blood, and then the spring when there were
earthquakes every night?
MR. ANTROBUS:
Henry! Henry!
[Puts his hand to his forehead.]
All of us, we're covered with blood,
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Then remember all the times you were pleased with him and when
you were proud of yourself. —Henry! Henry! Come here and recite to
your father the multiplication table that you do so nicely,
ENTER HENRY
[He kneels beside his father & starts whispering a multiplication table.]
HENRY:
Two times six is twelve; three times six is eighteen —I don't think
I know the sixes.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Wait!!! The fire's going out. There isn't enough wood!
Henry, go upstairs and start breaking up the beds.
EXIT HENRY.
ENTER GLADYS with slippers. MRS. ANTROBUS gestures, “Go
over there and do your best.” REFUGEES shift "Jingle Bells, singing
softly.” GLADYS puts slippers on her father’s feet.]
GLADYS:
Papa ... papa ... I was very good in school today. Miss Conover
said right out in class that if all the girls had as good manners as
Gladys Antrobus, that the world would be a far, far better place.
Look, Papa, here's my report card. Lookit. Conduct: A! Look,
Papa. Papa, you're not mad at me, are you? —I know it'll get
warmer. Soon it'll be just like spring, and we can go on a picnic
just like we always did, don't you remember?
ENTER HENRY with bed pieces
MR. ANTROBUS:
You recited in the school assembly, today, didn’t you?
She nods eagerly.
You didn't make a mistake?
GLADYS:
No!!! I was perfect.
[Pause. MR. ANTROBUS rises, goes to door, opens it. REFUGEES
draw back timidly; song stops; he peers out then closes it.]
MR. ANTROBUS:
With decision, suddenly.
Build up the fire. It's cold. Build up the fire. We'll do what we can.
Sabina, get some more wood. Come around the fire, everybody.
At least the young ones may pull through.
EXIT SABINA
If we do come through this —who knows what we’ll be able to
do? What do you say, Henry? Did you take a good look at that
wheel?
HENRY:
Yes, papa.
MR. ANTROBUS: [Sitting down in his chair.]
Six times two are . . .
HENRY:
. . . twelve; six times three are eighteen; six times four are —Papa,
it's hot and cold. It makes me sleepy.
MR. ANTROBUS:
Gives him a cuff
Wake up. I don't care if your head is sleepy. Six times four are
twenty-four. Six times five are . . .
HENRY:
. . . Thirty. Papa!
MR. ANTROBUS:
Maggie, put something into Gladys' head on the chance she can
use it.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
What do you mean, George?
MR. ANTROBUS:
Six times six are thirty-six.
Teach her the beginning of the Bible.
GLADYS:
But, Mama, it's so cold.
[HENRY has all but drowsed off. His father slaps him sharply and the
lesson continues.]
MRS. ANTROBUS:
"In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth; and the
earth was without form and void; and the darkness was upon the
face of the deep."
[“Jingle Bells” starts up again loudly.]
ENTER SABINA with wood.
SABINA:
[After placing wood on fire she crosses down & addresses audience.]
Will you please start handing up your chairs? We'll need
everything for this fire. We’ll heat this planet up so hot we’ll save
the human race. —Ushers, will you pass those chairs up here?
Thank you.
HENRY:
Six times nine are fifty-four; six times ten are sixty.
[From back of auditorium comes the sound of breaking wood. USHERS
rush down the aisles with chairs and hand them up.]
GLADYS:
"And God called the light Day and the darkness he called Night.
"
SABINA:
Anything that will burn, everybody. We need to warm this
planet up and save the human race.
CURTAIN



Act II
[Toward end of intermission, with houselights still up, projected images
of Boardwalk at Atlantic City, NJ.]
[Lights dim: Classic newsroom w/ two anchors.]
MALE ANCHOR: [On camera.]
Good morning America. Bob Buzler here for WOW News. Well,
Tiffany, what’s the “Let’s Feel Good” story for today?
FEMALE ANCHOR: [On camera.]
Wow, Bob, there’s this really awesome convention down in
fabulous Atlantic City, New Jersey.
MALE ANCHOR: [On camera.]
Wow, Tiffany.
FEMALE ANCHOR: [On camera.]
You can say that again, Bob. Let’s drop in on our reporter
Sunshine Morning, broadcasting live from the Die-Hard Fitness
Center on the Boardwalk.
[Cut: Classic reporter shot, towering waves behind her.]
Well, Sunshine; what’s happening? [Off camera.]
FEMALE REPORTER: [On camera.]
The Six Hundred Thousandth Annual Convention of the Ancient
and Honorable Order of Mammals, Subdivision Homo Sapiens!
MALE ANCHOR: [Off camera.]
Wow.
FEMALE REPORTER: [On camera.]
And it has just re-elected its president Mr. George Antrobus of
Excelsior, New Jersey to another term.
[Applause.]
Here comes Mr. Antrobus and his charming wife towards the
podium where he’ll make his acceptance speech.
MALE ANCHOR: [Off camera.]
Remember, you saw it first here on WOW TV.
[Applause.]
CURTAIN OPEN
[A platform with bunting & podium; upon platform sit representatives of the
various Phyla of the Animal Kingdom. A large Ape is speaking through a
synthesizer & gesturing in eurythmic sign language. Behind platform are the
Boardwalk shops & hotels: Slots, Fortune Teller, Chapel of Love, Bingo.
There is a beach cabana. Above scenery is “Armaggedon Tower”, atop which
are four lights that will light one by one during act. ONE ON]
GREAT APE:
Fellow mammals (and delegates from all the esteemed Phyla and
Classes and Orders of the Animal Kingdom), it is my honor to
introduce to you President George Antrobus and his gracious
and charming wife, Maggie, both of them every gene a mammal.
[Applause.]
As we all know, Mr. Antrobus has had a long and checkered
career, and credit must be paid for his many useful enterprises:
introduction of the lever, the wheel, the knife, the net, and the
brewing of beer. Where would humankind be without him!
[Applause.]
Credit must also extended to President Antrobus' gracious and
charming wife, whose many practical accomplishments include
the needle and thread, the pot and frying pan, discipline and
responsibility, and plates and cutlery.
[Applause.]
Fellow creatures! I give you President Antrobus!
[Applause.]
MR. ANTROBUS:
Fellow-creatures, fellow-vertebrates, fellow-mammals, fellow-
humans, I thank you. Little did my dear parents think, —when
they told me to stand on my own two feet, —that I'd be standing
here.
My friends, we have come a long way,
[Applause.]
During this week of happy celebration it is perhaps not fitting
that we dwell on some of the difficult times we have been
through, but how else can we appreciate all we have achieved in
our struggle for survival?
[Applause.]
True, some of our ancestors are extinct, but the ice has retreated.
[Applause.]
I ask you: was the Ice Age really what we needed? No.
[Applause.]
Mammals need warmth, so when our survival was threatened,
who stepped up to the plate? The human race! It was men that
put their backs to the wheel and made fire. We burned whatever
we could get our hands on and raised the planet’s temperature
until the ice retreated!
[Applause.]
MRS. ANTROBUS: [Sneezes, laughs prettily, and murmurs.]
I beg your pardon.
MR. ANTROBUS:
In our memorial service yesterday we did honor to all our friends
and relatives who are no longer with us, by reason of cold,
earthquakes plagues and . . . and . . . [Coughs.] . . . differences of
opinion.
As Charles Darwin so ably said . . . uh ... so ably said . . .
MRS. ANTROBUS: [Through closed lips.]
Gone, but not forgotten.
MR. ANTROBUS:
“They are gone, but not forgotten.”
I think I can say; I think I can prophesy with complete . . . uh . . .
with complete . . .
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Confidence.
ANTROBUS:
Thank you, my dear. —With complete lack of confidence, that a
new day of security is about to dawn.
The watchword of the closing era was: Work and Survive. I give
you the watchword for the future: Enjoy Yourselves.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
George, sit down!
MR. ANTROBUS:
Before I close, however, I wish to answer one of those unjust and
malicious accusations that were brought against me during this
last electoral campaign.
As I told that cute little reporter from WOW TV, I do not deny
that I once hesitated between . . . uh . . . between pinfeathers and
gill-breathing, —and so did many of us here, —but for the last
million years I have been viviparous, hairy and diaphragmatic.
[Applause as MR. ANTROBUS sits. Cries of "Good old Antrobus,"
"Georgie!"]
GREAT APE:
Thank you. Thank you very much, Mr. Antrobus. Now I know
that the delegates will wish to hear a word from that gracious
and charming mammal, Mrs. Antrobus, wife and mother, —Mrs.
Antrobus!
[MRS. ANTROBUS rises, lays her program on her chair.]
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Dear friends, I don't really think I should say anything. After all,
it was my husband who was elected and not I. Perhaps, as
president of the Women's Auxiliary Bed and Board Society, —I
had some notes here, oh, yes, here they are.
I know everyone is interested in the answer to one of the pressing
questions of our time: is using black crayons good or bad for the
developing child before the age of nine? I know all you who are
interested in education have been following this debate with
closest interest. But I am sorry to say that opinion is still
polarized on this question. It does seem to me that . . . Well, I
could go on talking forever. Thank you.
[She turns to sit.]
GREAT APE:
Oh, Mrs. Antrobus!
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Yes?
GREAT APE:
We understand that you are about to celebrate a wedding
anniversary. I know our listeners would like to extend their
felicitations and hear a few words from you on that subject.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
This Spring Mr. Antrobus and I will be celebrating our five
thousandth wedding anniversary. I don't know if I speak for my
husband, but I can say that, as for me, I regret every moment of it.
[Confused laughter.]
I beg your pardon. What I mean to say is that I do not regret one
moment of it. We have two children. We've always had two
children, though it hasn't always been the same two. Yes, Mr.
Antrobus and I have been married five thousand years. Each
wedding anniversary reminds me of the times when there were
no weddings. We had to crusade for marriage. Perhaps there are
some women within the sound of my voice who remember that
crusade and those struggles; we fought for it, didn't we?
[Applause.]
A few men helped us, but I must say that most men blocked our
way at every step: they said we were unfeminine. But we fought
hard, and at last we women got the ring.
I only bring up these unpleasant memories, because I see some
signs of backsliding from that great victory.
Oh, my fellow fe-mammals, keep hold of that. My husband says that
the watchword for the era is Enjoy Yourselves. I think that's very open
to misunderstanding. My watchword for the year is: Save the Family.
It's held together for over five thousand years: Save it! Thank you.
[Applause.]
GREAT APE:
Thank you, Mrs. Antrobus.
Well, my fellow creatures, that about wraps up our formal
proceedings. So thank you all for coming; and now, as President
Antrobus so wisely proclaimed: “Enjoy yourselves!”
[Shouts of “Party Time!” “Let’s boogie!” “Rock’n’roll, dude!” etc.]
CURTAIN CLOSE
CURTAIN CONVENTIONEERS [Casino noise; revelers careen across apron.]
CURTAIN OPEN
Gypsy FORTUNE TELLER sits at her shop door. Revelers careen back
& forth. There is a tower behind set with four lights. The front of the
Fortune Teller shop shudders, rises a few feet ill the air and returns to
ground trembling.]
BINGO CALLER: [Voice off.]
A-nine; A-nine. C-twenty-six; C-twenty-six.
A-Four; A-Four. B-Twelve.
WINNER: [Voice off.]
BINGO!!!!
FORTUNE TELLER: [Mechanically, to the unconscious backs of
passerbys.]
Cancer! Your partner's deceiving you in that deal. You'll have six
grandchildren. Avoid high places.
She rises & shouts after another.]
Cirrhosis of the liver!
ENTER SABINA from Bingo Parlor. She hugs about her a blue
raincoat that almost conceals her red bathing suit, She tries to catch the
FORTUNE TELLER'S attention.]
SABINA:
Ssssst! Esmeralda! Ssssst!
FORTUNE TELLER:
Keek!
SABINA:
Has President Antrobus come along yet?
FORTUNE TELLER:
No, no, no. Get out of here. Hide yourself.
SABINA:
I'm afraid I'll miss him. Oh, Esmeralda, if fail in this, I'll die. I'll be
his wife! If it's the last thing I'll do. —Esmeralda, tell me my
future.
FORTUNE TELLER:
Keck!
SABINA:
All right, I'll tell you my future.
[Laughing dreamily & tracing with one finger on palm of her hand.]
I'll take President Antrobus away from his wife. Then I'll take
every man away from his wife. I'll turn the whole earth upside
down.
FORTUNE TELLER:
Keck!
SABINA:
When all those husbands just think about me they'll get dizzy.
They'll faint in the streets.
FORTUNE TELLER: [Furiously.]
Shut your foolish mouth. When Mr. Antrobus comes along you
can see what you can do. Until then, —go away.
[SABINA laughs. As she turns to go inside a group of CONVEENERS
approach & smother her with attention.]
SABINA:
Go away, boys, go away, I'm after bigger fry than you are. Why,
Mr. Simpson!! How dare you!!
EXIT CONVEENERS, [Squealing with pleasure & stumbling.]
EXIT SABINA [Into Bingo Parlor.]
The FORTUNE TELLER rises, adjusts her clothing & approaches
audience, swinging her hips like a young woman. Revelers cross stage.]
FORTUNE TELLER:
I tell the future, Keck, Nothing easier. Everybody's future is in
their face, Nothing easier.
But who can tell your past, —eh? Nobody!
Your youth, —where did it go? It slipped away while you
weren't looking. While you were asleep, or distracted? Puh!
You're like our friends, Mr. and Mrs. Antrobus; you lie awake
nights trying to know your past. What did it mean? “What
should I have done differently?”
Think! Think! Split your heads, I can't tell the past and neither
can you. But I can tell the future,
A stroke! [Barking at a passer-by, then returns to the audience.]
Nobody listens. —Keck! I see a face among you now —I won't
embarrass him by pointing him out, but, listen: Death by regret.
Next year you'll decide you should have lived for pleasure, but
it’s too late. Death by regret, —Type A . . . Avoid mirrors.
[Far forward, confidentially.]
And now what's the immediate future of our friends, the
Antrobuses? Oh, you've seen it as well as I have, keck, —that
Great Man dizziness? The inventor of beer and gunpowder. The
sudden fits of temper and then the long stretches of inertia? "I’m
a sultan; let my slave girls fan me?"
You know as well as I what's coming. Rain. Rain. Rain in floods.
Oceans rising. The deluge. But first you'll see shameful things —
shameful things. Soon some of you will be saying: "Let him
drown. He's not worth saving." I can see it in your faces. But
you're wrong. It’s you who won’t get a place in the boat.
Again there'll be the narrow escape. The survival of a handful.
From destruction —total destruction.
[She points sweeping with her hand to the stage.]
But a few will be saved: two of each kind, male and female, two
of each kind.
ENTER CONVEENERS Heads appear about stage & wings, jeering.]
CONVEENERS:
Charlatan! Madam Kill-joy! Mrs. Jeremiah! Charlatan!
FORTUNE TELLER:
Yes, stick out your tongues. You can't stick your tongues out far
enough to lick the death-sweat from your foreheads. It's too late
now —you’re bailing out the Titanic with spoons.
CONVEENERS:
Enjoy yourselves!!!
EXIT CONVEENERS:
[FORTUNE TELLER puts her fingers to her lips.]
FORTUNE TELLER:
They're coming-the Antrobuses. Keck. Your hope. Your despair.
Your selves.
ENTER MR. & MRS. ANTROBUS & GLADYS.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Gladys Antrobus, stick your stummick in.
GLADYS:
But it's easier this way.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Well, it's too bad the new president has such a clumsy daughter,
that's all I can say. Try and be a lady.
FORTUNE TELLER:
Aijah! That's been said a hundred billion times.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Goodness! Where's Henry? He was here just a minute ago.
[Sudden violent outburst off stage]
Henry!
ENTER HENRY [Slingshot in hand.]
HENRY:
I'll put your eye out. I'll make you yell, like you never yelled before.
Mr. ANTROBUS / MRS. ANTROBUS:
Henry! What is this? Put down that slingshot. / Henry! HENRY!
Behave yourself.
FORTUNE TELLER:
That's right, young man. There are too many people in the world
as it is. Everybody's in the way, except one's self.
HENRY:
All I wanted was some fun.
EXIT SABINA
MR. ANTROBUS:
What were you doing, Henry?
HENRY:
Everybody's always getting mad. Everybody's always trying to
push you around. I'll make them sorry for that.
MR. ANTROBUS:
Give me that slingshot.
HENRY:
I won't. I'm sorry I came to this place. I wish I weren't here. I wish
I weren't anywhere,
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Now, Henry, don't get so excited about nothing. I declare I don't
know what we're going to do with you. Put your slingshot in your
pocket, and don't try to take hold of things that don't belong to you.
MR. ANTROBUS:
After this you can stay home. I wash my hands of you.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Come now, let's forget all about it. Everybody take a good breath
of the fresh desert air — my, it smells like sea air — and calm
down. Maybe we’ll see some whales.
*+
HENRY / GLADYS:
Papa, can we play Bingo? / Please, Mama, this is no fun; we’re so
bored.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
We have no money to waste on such foolishness. If you’re bored,
just read your book.
MR. ANTROBUS:
Oh, Maggie, let them have some fun. It's one of the things you do
on the Boardwalk.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Oh, is it? I tell you it's a miracle my children have shoes to stand
up in.
MR. ANTROBUS:
We’re on a vacation, aren't we? We have a right to treat ourselves
if we like. Oh Maggie, you’re no fun.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
All right, go. I'll just sit here and laugh at you. Mark my words, a
rainy day is coming.
ENTER CONVEENERS [Swerving.]
I feel it in my bones. Go, throw your money around. I can starve.
I've starved before. I know how.
CONVEENER: [Passing close, speaks w/ raised eyebrows.]
Hello, George. How are ya? I see where you brought the WHOLE
family along.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
And what do you mean by that?
EXIT CONVEENERS [Hurriedly.]
MR. ANTROBUS:
Maggie, I tell you there's a limit to what I can stand. God's
Heaven, haven't I worked enough? Don't I get any vacation? Can't
I even give my children even a little fun?
MRS. ANTROBUS: [Putting hand out for raindrops.]
Anyway, it's going to rain soon and you have your broadcast to make.
MR. ANTROBUS:
Now, Maggie, I warn you, a man can stand a family only just so
long. I'm warning you.
ENTER SABINA from Bingo Parlor: she is in flounced red silk
bathing suit, circa 1905: Red stockings, shoes, & parasol. She bows
demurely to MR. ANTROBUS who bows gallantly. CHILDREN stare
in wonder.]
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Why, George Antrobus, how can you say such a thing! You have
the best family in the world,
MR. ANTROBUS:
Good morning, Ms. Fairweather.
EXIT SABINA into wings, looking back & spinning parasol.]
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Who on earth was that, George?
MR. ANTROBUS: [Complacent; mock-modest.]
Hm . . . III . . . just a . . . solambaka keray,
MRS. ANTROBUS:
What? I can't understand you,
GLADYS:
Mama, wasn’t she beautiful.
HENRY:
Papa, introduce me,
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Children, will you be quiet while I ask your father a simple
question? —Who did you say, George?
MR. ANTROBUS:
Why —uh . . . a friend of mine, Very nice refined girl.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
I’m waiting.
MR. ANTROBUS:
Maggie, ah, I remember now; she’s that's the girl I just gave the
prize to in the beauty contest, yes: Miss Mammal 2012.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Hm! She looked like Sabina to me.
HENRY:
Mama! she’s the one who was sitting on the life-guard’s lap, remember,
you said she looked like . . . [Rising & drifting after SABINA.]
MR. ANTROBUS:
Henry, come here. —She's a very nice girl in every way and the
sole support of her aged mother,
MRS. ANTROBUS:
SO was Sabina, so was Sabina; and it took a wall of ice to open
your eyes about Sabina. —Henry, come over and sit down on this
bench.
MR. ANTROBUS:
She's a very different matter from Sabina. Ms. Fairweather went
to a college that changes lives.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Henry, you sit here by mama. Gladys—
MR. ANTROBUS: [Sitting.]
There isn't a girl in the world with higher principles.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Well, let's not talk about it. How I wish I’d see a whale.
HENRY: [Pointing at the “Armageddon Tower”.]
What’s that, Papa?
MR. ANTROBUS:
What? Oh, that's the Armageddon Center. One light means
Heavy Rain; two means Hurricane; three means Costal
Evacuation; and four means the End of the World.
[As they watch, a second lights comes on.]
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Goodness! I'm going to buy us all some raincoats.
GLADYS: [Putting cheek against her father’s shoulder.]
Mama, don't go yet. I like sitting here and watching the surf roll
in. Have you ever seen waves that big?
MRS. ANTROBUS: [Rising.]
Now I'm definitely going to buy those raincoats. That sky’s
looking worse and worse. I hope it doesn't come before your
broadcast. I should think we have about an hour or so.
HENRY:
I hope it comes and zzzzzz everything before it. I hope it —
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Henry! —George, I think . . . maybe, it's one of those storms that
are just as bad on land as on the sea. When you're just as safe and
safer in a good stout boat.
HENRY:
There's a boat out at the end of the pier. Look at the size of that
thing! It’s as big as an aircraft carrier!
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Well, keep your eye on it, Henry. George, you shut your eyes and
get a good rest before the broadcast.
MR. ANTROBUS:
Thundering Judas, do I have to be told when to open and shut
my eyes? Go and buy your raincoats.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Now, children, you have ten minutes to walk around. Ten
minutes. And, Henry: control yourself. Gladys, stick by your
brother and don't let him go near the water.
EXIT HENRY & GLADYS
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Will you be all right, George?
[CONVEENERS stick their heads out of the Bingo Parlor.]
CONVEENERS:
George. Geo-r-r-rge! George! Leave the old hen-coop at home.
George. Do-mes-ticated Georgie!
MRS. ANTROBUS: [Shaking umbrella & rising to leave.]
What's the matter with a family, I'd like to know. What else have
they got to offer?
EXIT MRS. ANTROBUS
[MR. ANTROBUS has closed his eyes.]
ENTER FORTUNE TELLER from her shop; leans against
proscenium, watching for SABINA quizzically.]
FORTUNE TELLER:
Heh! Here she comes!
ENTER SABINA from Bingo Parlor.]
SABINA: [Loud whisper.]
What's he doing?
FORTUNE TELLER:
Oh, he's ready for you. Bite your lips, dear, take a long breath
and come on up.
SABINA:
I’m nervous. My whole future depends on this. I'm nervous.
FORTUNE TELLER:
Don't be a fool. What more could you want? He's forty-five. His
head's a little dizzy. He's just been elected president. He’s ripe for
picking.
SABINA: [Still whispering.]
I don't know why it is, but every time I start one of these I'm
nervous,
[FORTUNE TELLER stands center, watching.]
FORTUNE TELLER:
You make me tired.
SABINA:
First tell me my fortune.
[FORTUNE TELLER laughs drily with gesture of brushing away a
nonsensical question. SABINA coughs.]
Oh, Mr. Antrobus, —dare I speak to you for a moment?
MR. ANTROBUS:
What? —Oh, certainly, certainly, Miss Fairweather.
SABINA:
Mr. Antrobus . . . I've been so unhappy. I've wanted . . . I've
wanted to make sure that you don't think that I'm the kind of girl
who goes out for beauty contests.
FORTUNE TELLER:
That's the way!
MR. ANTROBUS:
Oh, I understand. I understand perfectly.
FORTUNE TELLER:
Give it a little more. Lean into it.
SABINA:
I knew you would. My mother said to me this morning: that fine
Mr. Antrobus gave you the prize because he saw at once that you
weren't the kind of girl who'd go in for a thing like that.
FORTUNE TELLER:
Now you've gone too far.
MR. ANTROBUS:
My dear Miss Fairweather! There, there. There's . . . uh . . . room
for all kinds of people in the world.
SABINA:
How wonderful of you to say that. How generous! —Mr.
Antrobus, have you a moment? . . . I'm afraid I may be a little
conspicuous here . . . could you come over, for just a moment, to
that poolside cabana . . . ?
MR. ANTROBUS:
Why —uh ... yes, certainly ... for a moment ... just for a moment.
SABINA:
There's a chair there. Because: you know you do look tired. Now
isn't it true, Mr. Antrobus: you work too hard?
FORTUNE TELLER:
Bingo!
EXIT FORTUNE TELLER into her shop.]
SABINA:
Now you will just stretch out. No, I shan't say a word, not a word.
I shall just sit there, —privileged. That's what I am.
MR. ANTROBUS: [Taking her hand.]
Miss Fairweather . . . you'll . . . spoil me.
SABINA:
Just a moment. I have something I wish to say to the audience. —
Ladies and gentlemen. I'm not going to play this next scene. It's just a
short scene and we're going to skip it. But I'll tell you what takes place
and then we can continue the play from there on. Now in this scene—
MR. ANTROBUS: [Between his teeth.]
But, [actors’ name]!
SABINA:
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But I have to skip it. In this scene, I talk to Mr.
Antrobus, and at the end he decides to leave his wife, get a
divorce and marry me. That's all.
MR. ANTROBUS:
[Stage manager’s name]!
SABINA:
So that now I've told you we can jump to me end of it, —where
you say:
ENTER STAGE MANAGER in a fit.]
STAGE MANAGER:
Ms. [actor’s name], we insist on your playing this scene.
SABINA:
I'm sorry, [stage manager’s name], but I can't and I won't. I've told
the audience all they really need to know and now we can go on.
ENTER OTHER ACTORS listening.]
STAGE MANAGER:
And why can't you play it?
SABINA:
Because there are some lines in that scene that would hurt some
people's feelings and I don't think the theatre is a place where
people's feelings ought to be hurt.
STAGE MANAGER:
Ms. [actor’s name], you can pack up and go home. I shall call the
understudy and you will get an F for this block.
SABINA:
I sent the understudy to Buddy’s for coffee and if you try to flunk
me I'll drag the case right up to the Supreme Court.
STAGE MANAGER & MR. ANTROBUS:
Why can't you play it . . . what's the matter with the scene?
SABINA:
Well, if you must know, I have a friend in the audience tonight.
Her life hasn't been exactly a happy one. I wouldn't have my
friend hear some of those lines for the whole world. I don't
suppose it ever occurred to the author that some women might
not want to see such a scene played out before their very eyes.
STAGE MANAGER:
[Actor’s name], your friend will forgive you. We must play this
scene.
SABINA:
Nothing, nothing will make me say some of those lines . . . "a
man outgrows a wife every seven years" and . . . or . . . well . . .
Horrible, simply horrible.
STAGE MANAGER:
[Actor’s name]! Get off this stage. I'll read your lines.
MR. ANTROBUS:
Let’s just skip the scene.
SABINA:
Thank you. I knew you'd understand. We'll do just what I said.
So Mr. Antrobus is going to divorce his wife and marry me. Mr.
Antrobus, you say: "It won't be easy to lay all this before my wife,
"
EXIT STAGE MANAGER & OTHER ACTORS
[MR. ANTROBUS paces about, hand to his forehead.]
MR. ANTROBUS:
Wait a minute. I can't get back into it as easily as all that. "My
wife is a very obstinate woman.” Hmm . . . then you say . . .
hm . . . .
SABINA:
Listen, just skip to where I say: “Come here!”
[She moves close. They embrace.]
So.
Now when your wife comes, it's really very simple; just tell her.
MR. ANTROBUS:
Lily, Lily: you're a wonderful woman.
SABINA:
Of course I am.
EXIT MR. ANTROBUS & SABINA into cabana. Distant thunder.
A third warning light lights. More thunder, closer & louder.
ENTER MRS. ANTROBUS carrying parcels. She looks about, seats
herself on bench, fans herself with her handkerchief!
ENTER GLADYS opposite, followed by two CONVEENERS. She is
wearing red stockings.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Gladys!
GLADYS:
Mama, here I am.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Gladys Antrobus!!! Where did you get those dreadful things?
GLADYS:
Wha-a-t? Papa liked the color.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
You go back to the hotel this minute!
GLADYS:
I won't. I won't. Papa liked the color.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
All right. All right. You stay here. I've a good mind to let your
father see you that way. You stay right here.
GLADYS:
I . . . I don't want to stay if . . . if you don't think he'd like it.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Oh . . . it's all one to me. I don't care what happens. I don't care if
the biggest storm in the whole world comes. Let it come.
[She folds her hands.]
Where's your brother?
GLADYS: [In a small voice.]
He'll be here.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Will he? Well, let him get into trouble. I don't care. Where is your father?
[Laughter from the cabana.]
GLADYS: [Looking around.]
I think he's . . . Mama, he's talking to the lady in the red dress.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Is that so?
[Pause.]
We'll wait till he's through. Sit down here beside me and stop
fidgeting . . . what are you crying about?
[Thunder & lightning. MRS. ANTROBUS covers GLADYS with raincoat.]
GLADYS:
You don't like my stockings.
ENTER FEMALE REPORTER, CAMERMAN & SOUND
TECHNICIAN with broadcast equipment
ENTER FORTUNE TELLER at door of her shop. Other characters
gradually gather.
FEMALE REPORTER:
Mrs. Antrobus! Thank God we've found you at last. Where's Mr.
Antrobus? We've been hunting everywhere for him.
SOUND TECHNICIAN:
It's about time for his broadcast.
MRS. ANTROBUS: [Calm.]
I expect he'll be here in a minute.
FEMALE REPORTER:
Mrs. Antrobus, if he doesn't show up in time, I hope you will
consent to broadcast in his place. It's the most important
broadcast of the year.
ENTER SABINA & MR. ANTROBUS.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
No, I shan't. I haven't one single thing to say.
SOUND TECHNICIAN:
Then won't you help us find him, Mrs. Antrobus?
CAMERAMAN:
A storm's coming. A hurricane.
SOUND TECHNICIAN:
A deluge!
CAMERAMAN:
Here he is.
FEMALE REPORTER:
You're on the air in five minutes.
SOUND TECHNICIAN:
We need a sound check? If you just please begin the alphabet
slowly.
[MR. ANTROBUS, with set face, comes ponderously forward. He
speaks authoritatively to broadcasters.]
MR. ANTROBUS:
I'll be ready when the time comes. Until then, move away. Go
away. I have something I wish to say to my wife.
FEMALE REPORTER: [Whimpering.]
Mr. Antrobus! This is the most important broadcast of the year.
[Broadcasters withdraw to the edge of stage. SABINA glides up behind
ANTROBUS.]
SABINA: [Whispering.]
Don't let her argue. Remember arguments have nothing to do
with it.
MR. ANTROBUS:
Maggie, I'm moving out. In fact, I'm moving out for good. I'm
going to marry Miss Fairweather. I shall provide generously for
you and the children. In a few years you'll be able to see that it's
all for the best. That's all I have to say.
FEMALE REPORTER / BINGO CALLER:
Mr. Antrobus! I hope you'll / A-nine; A-nine. D-forty-two;
be ready. This is the most / D-forty-two. C-thirty; C-thirty;
important broadcast of
/ B-seventeen; B-seventeen. C-forty;
the year.
/ C-forty-two.
GLADYS:
What did Papa say, Mama? I didn't hear what papa said.
SOUND TECHNICIAN:
Mr. Antrobus. All we want to do is test your voice with the
alphabet.
MR. ANTROBUS:
Go away. Clear out.
MRS. ANTROBUS: [Composedly with lowered eyes.]
George, I can't talk to you until you wipe those silly red marks off
your face.
MR. ANTROBUS:
I think there's nothing to talk about. I've said what I have to say.
SABINA:
Splendid!
ANTROBUS:
You're a fine woman, Maggie, but . . . but a man has his own life
to lead in the world.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Well, after living with you for five thousand years I guess I have
a right to a word or two, haven't I?
MR. ANTROBUS: [To SABINA.]
What can I answer to that?
FEMALE REPORTER:
Mr. Antrobus, the hurricane signal's gone up. We could begin
right now.
MRS. ANTROBUS: [Calmly, almost dreamily.]
I didn't marry because you were perfect. I didn't even marry you
because I loved you. I married you because you gave me a
promise.
[She takes off her ring and looks at it.]
That promise made up for your faults. And the promise I gave
you made up for mine. Two imperfect people got married and it
was the promise that made the marriage.
MR. ANTROBUS:
Maggie, . . . I was only nineteen.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
[She puts her ring back on her finger.]
And when our children were growing up, it wasn't a house that
protected them; and it wasn't our love, that protected them —it
was that promise.
And when that promise is broken —this can happen!
[With a sweep she removes raincoat, revealing GLADYS' stockings.]
MR. ANTROBUS: [Stretches out arm, apoplectic.]
Gladys!! Have you gone crazy? Has everyone gone crazy?
[Turning to SABINA.]
You did this. You gave them to her.
SABINA:
I never said a word to her.
MR. ANTROBUS: [To GLADYS.]
You go back to the hotel and take those horrible things off.
GLADYS: [Pert.]
Before I go, I've got something to tell you, –it's about Henry.
MRS. ANTROBUS: [Claps her' hands peremptorily.]
Stop your noise, —I'm taking her back to the hotel, George.
Before I go I have a letter . . . I have a message to throw into the
ocean.
[Fumbling in handbag.]
Where is the plagued thing? Here it is.
[She flings a bottle over the audience into side aisle.]
It's a bottle. And in the bottle's a letter. And in the letter is written
all the things that a woman knows.
It’s never been told to any man and it's never been told to any
woman, and if it finds its destination, a new time will come.
We’re not what books and plays say we are. We're not what
advertisements say we are. We're not what you hear on the radio or
see in the movies or on television or the internet, for that matter.
We're not what you're all told and what you think we are:
We're ourselves. And if any man can find one of us he'll learn
why the whole universe was set in motion. And if any man harm
anyone of us, his soul—the only soul he's got —had better be at
the bottom of that ocean, —and that's the only way to put it.
Gladys, come here. We're going back to the hotel.
EXIT MRS. ANTROBUS [dragging GLADYS firmly off by the hand.
GLADYS breaks away & comes down to speak to her father.]
SABINA:
Such goings-on. Don't give it a minute's thought.
GLADYS:
Anyway, I think you ought to know that Henry hit a man with a
stone, and the man's very sick. Henry ran away and some
policemen are looking for him. And I don't care a bit if you don't
want to have anything to do with mama and me, because I'll never
like you again and I hope nobody ever likes you again, —so there!
EXIT GLADYS MR. ANTROBUS starts after her.]
MR. ANTROBUS:
I . . . I have . . .
SABINA:
You stay right here. Don't you go now while you're excited.
Gracious sakes, all these things will be forgotten in a hundred
years. Come, now, you're on the air. Just say anything, —it
doesn't matter what. Just a lot of birds and fishes and things.
FEMALE REPORTER:
Thank you, Miss Fairweather. Thank you very much. Ready, Mr.
Antrobus.
MR. ANTROBUS:
What is it, what is it? Who am I talking to?
FEMALE REPORTER:
Why, Mr. Antrobus! To all of creation, vertebrates and
invertebrates alike.
MR. ANTROBUS: [Raising his head.]
What are all those birds doing?
FEMALE REPORTER:
Those are the delegates to our convention, —two of each kind.
MR. ANTROBUS: [Pointing into the audience.]
Look at the water. Look at them all. Those fishes jumping. The
children should see this! —There's Maggie's whales!! Here are
your whales, Maggie!!
FEMALE REPORTER:
We’re almost ready, Mr. Antrobus.
MR. ANTROBUS:
And look on the beach! You didn't tell me these would be here!
SABINA:
Yes, George. Those are the animals.
FEMALE REPORTER:
Yes, Mr. Antrobus, those are the vertebrates. We hope the lion
will have a word to say when you're through.
SOUND TECHNICIAN:
We're ready to go live Mr. Antrobus. We'll just have time before
the storm hits.
This is . . .
Pause. In a hoarse whisper:
They're wait-ing.
[Stage dark except for spot on MR. ANTROBUS. A high whistling
noise, strange veering lights start whirling about the stage. FOURTH
WARNING LIGHTS FLASHES.]
MR. ANTROBUS:
Friends. Cousins, Species All. Four score and ten billion years ago
our forefather brought forth upon this planet the spark of life . . .
[He is drowned out by thunder: When thunder pauses FORTUNE TELLER
seen standing beside him. Increasing thunder, lightning & howling wind.]
FORTUNE TELLER:
Antrobus, there's not a minute to lose. The Tsunami’s coming.
Don't you see all the lights are flashing? Get your family into that
boat at the end of the pier.
EXIT BROADCAST CREW clutching equipment.]
MR. ANTROBUS:
My family? I have no family. Maggie! Maggie! They won't come.
FORTUNE TELLER:
They'll come. —Antrobus! Take these animals into that boat with
you. All of them, —two of each kind.
SABINA:
George, what's the matter with you? This is just a storm like any
other storm.
MR. ANTROBUS:
Maggie!
SABINA:
Stay with me, we'll go . . .
[Losing conviction.]
This is just another thunderstorm, —isn't it? Isn't it?
MR. ANTROBUS:
Maggie!!!
ENTER MRS. ANTROBUS & GLADYS [She stands beside him.]
MRS. ANTROBUS: [Matter-of-fact.]
Here I am and here's Gladys.
MR. ANTROBUS:
Where've you been? Where have you been? Quick, we're going
into that boat out there.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
I know we are. But I haven't found Henry.
[She wanders off into the darkness calling "Henry!”]
SABINA: [Low urgent babbling, only occasionally raising her voice.]
I don't believe it. I don't believe it's anything at all. I've seen
hundreds of storms like this.
FORTUNE TELLER:
There's no time to lose. Go. Push the animals along before you.
Start a new world. Begin again.
SABINA:
Esmeralda! George! Tell me, —is it really serious?
MR. ANTROBUS: [Suddenly very busy.]
Elephants first. Gently, gently. —Look where you're going.
GLADYS: [Striking animals on the back.]
Stop it or you'll be left behind!
MR. ANTROBUS:
Is the Kangaroo there? There you are! Take those turtles in your
pouch, will you?
[To some other animals, pointing to his shoulder.]
Here! You jump up here. You'll be trampled on.
GLADYS: [To her father; pointing below.]
Papa, look, —the snakes!
MRS. ANTROBUS:
I can't find Henry. HEN-RY!
MR. ANTROBUS:
Go along. Go along. Climb on their backs. —Wolves! Jackals,
whatever you are —tend to your own business!
GLADYS: [Pointing tenderly.]
Papa, —look.
SABINA:
Mr. Antrobus-take me with you. Don't leave me here. I'll work.
I'll help. I'll do anything.
ENTER THREE CONVEENERS, marching with a banner: “FUN
FUN FUN!!!”]
CONVEENERS:
George! What are you scared of? —George! Fellas, it looks like
rain. —"Maggie, where's my umbrella?" —George, starting a
circus.
MR. ANTROBUS:
[Again catching his wife's hand.]
Come on now, Maggie, —the pier's going to break apart any
minute now.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
I'm not going a step without Henry. HENRY!
GLADYS:
Mama! Papa! Hurry, The pier's cracking, Mama, It's going to
break.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Henry! Cain! CAIN!
ENTER HENRY dashes on, joins his mother.]
HENRY:
Here I am, Mama.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Thank God! —now come quick.
HENRY:
I didn't think you wanted me,
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Quick!
[She pushes him down before her into aisle.]
SABINA:
[All the ANTROBUSES are now in the theater aisle, SABINA stands
on the stage beseeching them.]
Mrs, Antrobus, take me, Don't you remember me? I'll work, I'll
help, Don't leave me here!
MRS. ANTROBUS: [Impatiently, but as though of no importance.]
Yes, yes. There's a lot of work to be done. Only hurry.
FORTUNE TELLER: [Dominating stage. To SABINA with grim smile.]
Yes, go —back to the kitchen with you.
SABINA: [Half into aisle. To FORTUNE TELLER.]
I don't know why my life's always being interrupted —just when
everything's going fine!!
EXIT ANTROBUSES & SABINA up the aisle.]
ENTER CONVENEERS w/ musical instruments, doing a serpentine
dance, pretending to paddle. They jeer at FORTUNE TELLER.]
CONVEENERS:
Get a canoe —there's not a minute to lose! Tell me my future, Mrs.
Croaker.
FORTUNE TELLER:
Paddle away, boys —enjoy yourselves.
BINGO CALLER:
A-nine; A-nine. C-Twenty-four. C-Twenty-four.
CONVEENERS:
Rub a dub dub / Three men in a tub / a butcher, a . . .
FORTUNE TELLER:
Go back and climb on your roofs. Put rags under your doors. —
Nothing will keep out the flood. You've had your chance. You've
had your day. You've failed. You've lost.
BINGO CALLER:
B-fifteen; B-fifteen.
FORTUNE TELLER: [Shading her eyes, looking out to sea.]
They're safe. George Antrobus! Think it over! A new world to
make —think it over!
CURTAIN





ACT III
[Just prior to curtain, two cracked bugle calls are heard.]
CURTAIN
[Set largely as Act I, helter skelter, irregular gaps. The doors &
windows frameless & out of line. Off-stage fires. Bugle call repeated.]
ENTER SABINA through tilted door: She is dressed as Napoleonic
camp follower, "la fille du regiment,” in begrimed reds & blues.]
SABINA:
Mrs. Antrobus! Gladys! Where are you?
The war's over. The war's over. You can come out. The peace
treaty's been signed.
Where are they? —Hmpf! Are they dead, too? Mrs. Annnntrobus!
Glaaaadus! Mr. Antrobus'll be here this afternoon. I just saw him
downtown. Huuuurry and put things in order. He says that now
that the war's over we'll all have to settle down and be perfect.
ENTER STAGE MANAGER followed by Whole Company, who
stand waiting at edges of stage. He tries to interrupt SABINA.]
STAGE MANAGER:
[Actor’s name], we have to stop a moment.
SABINA:
They may be hiding out in the back.
STAGE MANAGER:
[Actor’s name]! We have to stop a moment.
SABINA:
What's the matter?
STAGE MANAGER:
There's an explanation we have to make to the audience. Lights,
please.
[To actor playing MR. ANTROBUS]
Will you explain the matter to the audience?
[Lights up.]
MR. ANTROBUS:
Ladies and gentlemen, an unfortunate accident has taken place
back stage. Perhaps I should say another unfortunate accident.
SABINA:
I’m sorry. I'm sorry.
MR. ANTROBUS:
The class all feels that you are due an apology. Seven of our
classmates have . . . have been taken ill. Apparently, it was
something they ate. I'm not exactly clear what happened.
[EVERYONE start to explain at once. ANTROBUS raises hand.]
Now, now —not all at once. [actor playing stage manager’s
name] do you know what it was?
STAGE MANAGER:
I think they had breakfast together this morning, and something
that disagreed with them.
SABINA:
Disagreed with them!!! They have food poisoning. They're down
at the emergency room this very minute having their stomachs
pumped, in perfect agony.
[Cell phone rings. Light technician answers & shouts to the stage.]
LIGHT TECHNICIAN:
They’re going to be okay . . . but they have to stay for observation.
MR. ANTROBUS:
Well, so you can see that they're in no condition to take part in
this performance.
STAGE MANAGER:
Naturally, we haven't enough understudies to fill all those roles;
but we do have a number of splendid volunteers from the stage
crew who have kindly consented to help us out. They’ve been here
for all the rehearsals, and they assure me that they know the parts
perfectly.
ENTER FOUR SUBSTITUTES, bow modestly.]
MR. ANTROBUS:
Now this scene takes place near the end of the act. And I'm sorry
to say we'll need a short rehearsal through. Those of you who
wish can . . . well, just wait patiently; feel free to talk quietly
among yourselves. Thank you. Now will you take it over, [stage
manager’s name]?
STAGE MANAGER:
Thank you. —Now, at the end of this act, the men have come
back from the War and the family's settled down in the house.
And the author wants to show the hours of the night passing by
over their heads, and the planets crossing the sky . . . uh . . . over
their heads. And he says — this is hard to explain — that each of
the hours of the night is a philosopher, or a great thinker. Eleven
o'clock, for instance, is Aristotle. And nine o'clock is Spinoza.
Like that. I don't suppose it means anything. It's just a kind of
artsy effect.
SABINA:
Not mean anything! Why, it certainly does. Twelve o'clock goes
by saying those wonderful things. I think it means that when
people are asleep they have all those lovely thoughts, much
better than when they're awake.
SUBSTITUTE 1:
I agree with [actor’s name], I mean Sabina: just like the hours and
stars go by over our heads at night, in the same way ideas and
thoughts are in the air around us all the time and they're working
on us, even when we don't know it.
STAGE MANAGER:
Well, well, maybe that's it. Thank you, [Substitute 1’s name].
Anyway, are you ready? Ivy, can you be eleven o'clock? "This
good estate of the mind possessing its object in energy we call
divine." Aristotle.
SUBSTITUTE 1:
Certainly. I know that and I know twelve o'clock and I know nine
o'clock.
STAGE MANAGER:
Twelve o'clock? [Substitute 3’s name], the Bible.
SUBSTITUTE 3:
Yes.
STAGE MANAGER:
Ten o'clock? [Substitute 1’s name], Plato?
[Actor nods eagerly.]
Nine o'clock, Spinoza, —[Substitute 4’s name]?
SUBSTITUTE 4:
Yes, sir.
[SUBSTITUTES pick up gilded cardboard Roman numerals. STAGE
MANAGER strikes his forehead.]
STAGE MANAGER:
The planets!! We forgot all about the planets.
SABINA:
O my God! The planets! Are they sick too?
[Everyone nods.]
STAGE MANAGER:
Ladies and gentlemen, the planets are eurythmists and tone-
chanters. Of course, we can't replace them, so you'll have to
imagine them. They are spread all around the auditorium. Tz-tz-
tz. No, really; tt's too bad; it all makes a very fine effect.
However! Ready-nine o'clock: Spinoza.
SUBSTITUTE 4: [Walking slowly across stage, speaking softly.]
"After experience had taught me that the common occurrences of
daily life are vain and futile . . ."
STAGE MANAGER:
Louder, [Substitute 4’s name]. "And I saw that all tile objects of
my desire and Fear—“
SUBSTITUTE 4:
"And I saw that all the objects of my desire and fear were in
themselves nothing good nor bad save insofar as the mind was
affected by them —"
STAGE MANAGER:
Do you know the rest? All right. Ten o'clock. [Substitute 1’s
name]. Plato.
SUBSTITUTE 1:
"Then tell me, O Critias, how wiII a man choose the ruler that
shall rule over him? Will he not —"
STAGE MANAGER:
Thank you. Skip to the end.
SUBSTITUTE 1:
" . . . can be multiplied a thousand fold in its effects among the
citizens."
STAGE MANAGER:
Thank you. —Aristotle, [Substitute 2’s name]?
SUBSTITUTE 2:
"This good estate of the mind possessing its object in energy we
call divine. This we mortals have occasionally and it is this
energy —"
STAGE MANAGER:
—good! All right, everybody. You know what you have to do. —
Curtain. Lights. Act Three of THE SKIN OF OUR TEETH.
EXIT COMPANY. [As curtain closes he is heard saying.]
Just wear what you have on. Don't try to put on the costumes
today.
[Act begins again. Bugle call.]
ENTER SABINA.
SABINA:
Mrs. Antrobus! Gladys! Where are you? The war's over. —You've
heard all this —
[She gabbles main points.]
Where—are—they? Are—they—dead, too, et cetera. I—just
saw—Mr.-Antrobus—down town, et cetera.
[Slowing down.]
He says that now that the war's over we'll all have to settle down
and be perfect. They may be hiding out in the back somewhere.
Mrs. An-tro-bus.
EXIT SABINA wandering.]
[Growing light. Trapdoor cautiously opens in wall. MRS. ANTROBUS
puts head into room, listens. She is disheveled & worn; dress tattered,
shawl half covers her head. She speaks to someone behind her.]
ENTER MRS. ANTROBUS cautiously, speaking into trap door.]
MRS. ANTROBUS:
It's getting light. There's still something burning over there.
Newark, or Jersey City. What? Yes, I could swear I heard
someone moving about. But I can't see anybody. I say: I can't see
anybody.
[Moves about. GLADYS' head appears at trapdoor, holding BABY.]
ENTER GLADYS
GLADYS:
Oh, Mama. Be careful.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Now, Gladys, you stay out of sight.
GLADYS:
Well, let me stay here just a minute, I want the baby to get some
of this fresh air.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
All right, but keep your eyes open, I'll see what I can find, I'll
have a good hot bowl of soup for you in no time! Do you know
what I think I see? Old Mr. Hawkins sweeping his driveway.
Why, he must have gone crazy, like the others! Some other
people moving about, too,
GLADYS:
Mama, come back, come back,
[MRS. ANTROBUS returns to trapdoor but listens.]
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Gladys, there's something in the air. Everybody’s movement’s
sort of different, I see some women walking right out in the
middle of the street.
SABINA'S VOICE: [Off.]
Mrs. An-tro-bus!
MRS. ANTROBUS AND GLADYS:
What's that?!!
SABINA'S VOICE: [Off.]
Glaaaadys! Mrs. An-tro-bus!
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Gladys, that's Sabina's voice as sure as I live.
ENTER SABINA.
—Sabina! Sabina! Are you alive?!!
SABINA:
Of course, I'm alive. How've you girls been? —Don't try and kiss
me. I never want to kiss another human being as long as I live.
Sh-sh, there's nothing to get emotional about. Pull yourself
together, the war's over. Take a deep breath, —the war's over,
MRS. ANTROBUS:
The war's over!! I don't believe you. I don't believe you. I can't
believe you.
GLADYS:
Mama!
SABINA:
Who's that?
MRS. ANTROBUS:
That's Gladys and her baby. Gladys, Sabina says the war's over.
Oh, Sabina.
SABINA:
[Leaning over BABY.]
Goodness! Are there any babies left in the world! Can it see? And
can it cry and everything?
GLADYS:
Yes, he can. He notices everything very well.
SABINA:
Where on earth did you get it? Oh, I won't ask. —Lord, I've lived
all these seven years around camp and I've forgotten how to
behave. —Now we've got to think about the men coming home.
—Mrs. Antrobus, go and wash your face, I'm ashamed of you.
Put your best clothes on. Mr. Antrobus'll be here this afternoon. I
just saw him downtown.
MRS. ANTROBUS & GLADYS:
He's alive!! He'll be here!! Sabina, you're not joking?
MRS. ANTROBUS:
And Henry?
SABINA: [Dryly.]
Yes, Henry's alive, too, that's what they say. Now don't stop to
talk. Get yourselves fixed up. Gladys, you look terrible. Have you
any decent clothes?
[SABINA pushes them towards trapdoor.]
MRS. ANTROBUS: [Half in.]
Yes, I've something to wear just for this very day. But, Sabina,
who won the war?
SABINA:
Don't stop now, —just wash your face.
EXIT MRS. ANTROBUS
GLADYS: [Half in.]
Sabina, how soon after peacetime begins does the supermarket
open?
SABINA:
As soon as someone grows some food. Give them some time,
dear.
EXIT GLADYS.
[SABINA shakes head, sits by trapdoor, speaking into hole.]
Mrs. Antrobus, guess what I saw Mr. Antrobus doing this. You'll
die when you hear: he was tacking up a recipe for grass soup that
doesn't give you the diarrhea. Still thinking up new things. —He
told me to give you his love. He's got all sorts of ideas for
peacetime, he says. No more laziness and idiocy, he says. And oh,
yes! Where are his books? What? Well, pass them in. He says
everything he needs is in them. Everybody's going to be beautiful,
he says, and diligent, and very intelligent.
[Hand reaches out with two books.]
What language is that? Pu-u-gh —mold! And he's got such plans
for you, Mrs. Antrobus. You're going to study history and
algebra —and so are Gladys and me —and philosophy. You
should hear him talk:
[Two more volumes.]
Well, these are in English, anyway. —To hear him talk, seems
like he expects you to be a combination, Mrs. Antrobus, of a saint
and a college professor, and a dancehall hostess, if you know
what I mean.
[Two more volumes.]
Ugh. German!
[Lying on floor; one elbow bent, cheek on hand, meditatively.]
Yes, peace will be here before we know it. In a week or two we'll
be watching TV and learning how to become happy with a new
deodorant. Then we’ll drive over to the mall and buy hundred
dollar flip-flops and thousand dollar designer jeans and —all that
will begin again. Oh, Mrs. Antrobus, God forgive me but I
enjoyed the war. Everybody's at their best in wartime. I’m sorry
it's over. And, oh, I forgot! Mr. Antrobus sent you another
message —can you hear me? —
ENTER HENRY, blackened & sullen, wearing torn overalls, has one
dangling gaudy admiral's shoulder epaulette, vestiges of gold & scarlet
braid. He stands listening.]
Listen! Henry's never to put foot in this house again, he says.
He'll kill Henry on sight, if he sees him.
You don't know about Henry??? Well, where have you been?
What? Well, Henry rose right to the top. Top of what? Listen, I'm
telling you. Henry rose from corporal to captain, to major, to
general. —I don't know how to say it, but the enemy is Henry;
Henry is the enemy. Everybody knows that.
HENRY:
He'll kill me, will he? I'll kill him so fast. I've spent seven years
trying to find him; the others I killed were just substitutes.
SABINA:
Goodness! It's Henry! —
[He makes angry gesture.]
Oh, I'm not afraid of you. The war's over, Henry Antrobus, and
you're not any more important than any other unemployed veteran.
Go away and hide yourself, until we calm your father down.
HENRY:
The first thing to do is to burn up those old books; it's the ideas
he gets out of those old books that . . . that makes the whole
world so you can't live in it.
[He reels forward, kicking books, then suddenly collapses onto sofa.]
SABINA:
You leave those books alone!! Mr. Antrobus is looking forward to
them. —Gracious sakes, Henry, you're so tired you can't stand up.
Your mother and sister'll be here in a minute —
HENRY:
—What did they ever care about me?
SABINA:
There's that old whine again. Always thinking you're not loved
enough, that nobody loves you. Well, start being lovable and
we'll love you.
HENRY: [Outraged.]
I don't want anybody to love me. I want everybody to hate me.
SABINA:
Mrs. Antrobus! Henry's here. He's so tired he can't stand up.
ENTER MRS. ANTROBUS & GLADYS, with BABY, dressed as in
Act 1. MRS. ANTROBUS carries some objects in apron, & GLADYS
has blanket over her shoulder.]
MRS. ANTROBUS AND GLADYS:
Henry! Henry! Henry!
HENRY: [Glaring at them.]
Have you anything to eat?
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Yes, I have, Henry. I've been saving it for this very day, —two
good baked potatoes. No! Henry! One’s for your father. Henry!!
Give me that other potato back this minute.
[SABINA sidles up behind him & snatches other potato away.]
SABINA:
He's so dog-tired he doesn't know what he's doing.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Now you just rest there, Henry, until I can get your room ready.
Eat that potato good and slow, so you can get all the nourishment
out of it.
HENRY:
You all might as well know right now that I haven't come back
here to live.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Sh . . . . I'll put this coat over you. Your room's hardly damaged at
all. Your football trophies are a little tarnished, but Sabina and I
will polish them up tomorrow.
HENRY:
Did you hear me? I don't live here. I don't belong to anybody.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Why, how can you say a thing like that! You certainly do belong
right here. Where else would you want to go? Your forehead's
feverish, Henry, seems to me. You'd better give me that gun,
Henry. You won't need that any more.
GLADYS: [Whispering.]
Look, he's fallen asleep already, with his potato half-chewed.
SABINA:
Puh! The terror of the world.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Sabina, you mind your own business, and start putting the room
to rights.
[HENRY slouches into sofa. MRS. ANTROBUS gingerly puts revolver
in apron pocket, helps SABINA tidy room to condition of Act I.]
SABINA:
That's all we do —always beginning again! Over and over again.
Always beginning again. [Meditatively.] How do we know that
it'll be any better than before? Why do we go on pretending?
Someday the whole earth's going to have to turn cold anyway,
and until then it will be more wars and more walls of ice and
floods and earthquakes.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Sabina!! Stop arguing and go on with your work.
SABINA:
All right. I'll go on just out of habit, but I won't believe in it.
MRS. ANTROBUS: [Aroused.]
Now, Sabina. I've let you talk long enough. I don't want to hear
any more of it. Do I have to explain to you what everybody
knows, —everybody who keeps a home going? Do I have to say
to you what nobody should ever have to say, because they can
read it in each other's eyes?
Now listen to me:
I could live for seventy years in a cellar and make soup out of
grass and bark, without ever doubting that this world has work
to do and will do it.
Do you hear me?
SABINA: [Frightened.]
Yes, Mrs. Antrobus.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
So we'll start putting this house to rights. Now, Sabina, go and
see what you can do in the kitchen.
SABINA:
Kitchen! Why is it that however far I go away, I always find
myself back in the kitchen?
EXIT SABINA
MRS. ANTROBUS: [Still thinking over her last speech, relaxes, says
with reminiscent smile.]
Goodness gracious, there! I've gone and almost waked Henry up.
HENRY: [Talking in his sleep, indistinctly.]
Comrades . . . what have they done for us? . . . Blocked our way
at every step. When are you going to wake up?
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Sh, Henry. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. —Well, that
looks better. Now let's go and help Sabina.
GLADYS:
Mama, I'm going out into the backyard and hold the baby right up
in the air. And show him that we don't have to be afraid any more.
EXIT GLADYS to kitchen.]
EXIT MRS. ANTROBUS after, glancing at HENRY, who thrashes
about in his sleep.
ENTER MR. ANTROBUS, w/slight limp, arms full of bundles,
chewing end of carrot. Wearing ACT I suit & too large, its skirts
trailing. Lets bundles fall, stands looking about, attention fixes on
HENRY, whose mumbling grows clear.]
HENRY:
All right! What have you got to lose? What have they done for
us? That's right-nothing. Tear everything down. I don't care what
you smash. We'll begin again and we'll show 'em.
[MR. ANTROBUS takes out revolver, holds pointing downwards.
Backs toward apron. HENRY'S voice grows louder; he wakes with a
start. They stare at each other. Then HENRY sits up quickly.
Throughout following scene HENRY is played, not as
misunderstood or misguided young man, but as representation of
strong, unreconciled evil.]
All right! Do something.
[Pause.]
Don't think I'm afraid of you, either. All right, do what YOU were
going to do. Do it.
[Furiously.]
Shoot me, I tell you. You don't have to think I'm any relation of
yours. I haven't got any father or any mother, or brothers or
sisters. And I don't want any. And what's more I haven't got
anybody over me; and I never will have. I'm alone, and that's all I
want to be: alone. So you can shoot me.
MR. ANTROBUS:
You're the last person I wanted to see. The sight of you dries up
all my plans and hopes. I wish I were back at war still, because
it's easier to fight you than to live with you. War's a pleasure; do
you hear me? —War's a pleasure compared to what faces us now:
trying to build up a peacetime with you in the middle of it.
[MR. ANTROBUS walks to window.]
HENRY:
I'm not going to be a part of any peacetime of yours. I'm going a
long way from here and make my own world that's fit for a man
to live in. Where a man can be free, and have a chance, and do
what he wants to do in his own way.
MR. ANTROBUS:
[His attention arrested; thoughtfully. He throws gun out window &
turns with hope.]
. . . Henry, let's try again.
HENRY:
Try what? Living here? —Speaking polite to old men like you? Standing
like a sheep at the corner until the red light turns green? Being a good
boy and a good sheep, like all the stinking ideas you get out of your
books? Oh, no. I'll make a world, and I'll show you.
MR. ANTROBUS: [Hard.]
How can you make a world for people to live in, unless you’ve
put yourself in order first? Mark my words: I shall continue
fighting you until my last breath as long as you mix up your idea
of liberty with your idea of hogging everything for yourself I
shall have no pity on you. I shall pursue you to the far corners of
the earth. —I hear your mother's voice in the kitchen. Have you
seen her?
HENRY:
I have no mother. Get it into your head. I don't belong here. I
have nothing to do here. I have no home.
MR. ANTROBUS:
Then why did you come here? With the whole world to choose
from, why did you come to this one place: 216 Cedar Street,
Excelsior, New Jersey . . . Well?
HENRY:
What if I did? What if I wanted to look at it once more, to see if —
MR. ANTROBUS:
Oh, you're related, all right. —When your mother comes in you
must behave yourself. Do you hear me?
HENRY: [Wildly.]
What is this? —Must behave yourself. Don't you say must to me.
MR. ANTROBUS:
Quiet!
ENTER MRS. ANTROBUS & SABINA
HENRY: [Ranting to himself.]
Nobody can say must to me. All my life everybody's been
crossing me, —everybody, everything, all of you. I'm going to be
free, even if I have to kill half the world for it. Right now, too. Let
me get my hands on his throat. I'll show him.
[He advances on MR. ANTROBUS. Suddenly, SABINA jumps
between them and calls out, breaking character.]
SABINA:
Stop! Stop! Don't play this scene. You know what happened last
time. Stop the play.
[They fall back, panting. HENRY covers face with hands.]
Last night you almost strangled him. You became a regular
savage. Stop it!
HENRY: [Breaking character.]
It's true. I'm sorry. I don't know what comes over me. I have nothing
against him. I . . . I . . . he’s my friend. But something comes over me
in this scene. It's like . . . this is hard: my own father used to whip me
and lock me up. I never had enough to eat. He never let me have
enough money to buy decent clothes. I was ashamed to go out. My
father and my uncle put rules in the way of everything I wanted to do.
They tried to prevent my living at all —I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
MRS. ANTROBUS: [Quickly; breaking character.]
No, go on. Finish what you were saying. Say it all.
HENRY: [Breaking character.]
This scene: it's like it opens up some big emptiness inside me, —the
emptiness of being hated and blocked at every turn. And the
emptiness fills up with one thought: strike out and kill. Listen: it's as
though you have to kill somebody so you don’t end up killing yourself.
SABINA: [Breaking character.]
That's not true. I knew your father and your uncle and your
mother. You imagined all that. Why, they did everything they
could for you. How can you say things like that?
HENRY: [Breaking character.]
They did. They did. They wished I hadn't been born.
SABINA: [Breaking character.]
That's not true.
MR. ANTROBUS: [Breaking character: self-condemnation but cold &
proud.]
Wait a minute. I have something to say, too. It's not wholly his fault
that he wants to strangle me in this scene. It's my fault, too. He
wouldn't feel that way unless there were something in me that
reminded him of all that. He talks about an emptiness. Well, there's an
emptiness in me, too. Yes, —work, work, work, that's all I do. I've
ceased to live. No wonder he feels that anger coming over him.
MRS. ANTROBUS: [Breaking character.]
There! At least you've said it.
SABINA: [Breaking character.]
We're all just as wicked as we can be, and that's the God's truth.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
[Nods a moment, then comes forward; quietly.]
Come. Come and put your head under some cold water.
SABINA: [In a whisper.]
I'll go with him. I've known him a long while. You have to go on
with the play. Come with me.
[HENRY starts out with SABINA but stops at curtain line & speaks to
MR. ANTROBUS.]
HENRY:
Thanks. Thanks for what you said. I'll be all right tomorrow. I
won't lose control in that place. I promise.
EXIT HENRY & SABINA
[ANTROBUS fastens door. MRS. ANTROBUS places chair at table.]
MRS. ANTROBUS:
George, do I see you limping?
MR. ANTROBUS:
Yes, a little. My old wound from the other war. I can manage.
MRS. ANTROBUS: [Looking out of window.]
Some lights are coming on, —the first in seven years. People are
walking up and down looking at them. Over in Hawkins' open
lot they've built a bonfire to celebrate the peace.
MR. ANTROBUS:
A bonfire! As though they hadn't seen enough things burning. —
Maggie, —the dog died?
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Oh, yes. Long ago. There are no dogs left in Excelsior. —You're
back again! All these years. George, sit down, you're tired,
MR. ANTROBUS:
No, you sit down. I'm tired but I'm restless.
[Suddenly, as she comes forward.]
Maggie! I've lost it. I've lost it.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
What, George? What have you lost?
MR. ANTROBUS:
The most important thing of all: The desire to begin again, to
start building.
MRS. ANTROBUS: [Sitting in chair.]
Well, it will come back.
MR. ANTROBUS: [At window.]
I've lost it. This minute I feel like all those people dancing around
the bonfire —just relief. Just the desire to settle down; to slip into
the old grooves and keep the neighbors from walking over my
lawn. —Hm. But during the war, —in the middle of all that blood
and dirt and hot and cold —every day and night, I'd have
moments, Maggie, when I saw the things that we could do when
it was over. When you're at war you think about a better life;
when you're at peace you think about a more comfortable one.
I've lost it. I feel sick and tired.
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Listen! The baby's crying.
I hear Gladys talking. Probably she's quieting Henry again.
George, while Gladys and I were living here —like moles, like
rats, and when we were at our wits' end to save the baby's life the
only thought we clung to was that you were going to bring
something good out of this suffering. In the night, in the dark,
we'd whisper about it, starving and sick. —Oh, George, you'll
have to get it back again. Think! What else kept us alive all these
years? Even now, it's not comfort we want. We can suffer
whatever's necessary; only give us back that promise.
ENTER SABINA with lighted lamp, dressed as in Act I.]
SABINA:
Mrs. Antrobus . . .
MRS. ANTROBUS:
Yes, Sabina?
SABINA:
Will you need me?
MRS. ANTROBUS:
No, Sabina, you can go to bed.
SABINA:
Mrs. Antrobus, if it's all right with you, I'd like to go to the
bonfire and celebrate the war's end. And I hear they’re reopening
the movie theater; we could all go.
MR. ANTROBUS:
Well, Sabina, I haven't seen any money for quite a while.
SABINA:
Oh, you don't need money. They're taking anything you can give.
And I have some . . . some . . . Mrs. Antrobus, promise you won't
tell anyone. It's a little against the law. But I'll give you some, too.
MR. ANTROBUS:
What is it?
SABINA:
I'll give you some, too. Yesterday I picked up a lot of . . . of beef
cubes!
[MRS. ANTROBUS turns & speaks calmly.]
MRS. ANTROBUS:
But, Sabina, you know you ought to give that in to the Center
downtown. They know who needs them most.
SABINA: [Outburst.]
Mrs. Antrobus, I didn't make this war. I didn't ask for it. And, in
my opinion, after anybody's gone through what we've gone
through, they have a right to grab what they can find. You're a
very nice man, Mr. Antrobus, but you'd have got on better in the
world if you'd realized that dog-eat-dog was the rule in the
beginning and always will be. And most of all now.
[In tears.]
Oh, the world's an awful place, and you know it is. I used to
think something could be done about it; but I know better now. I
hate it. I hate it.
[She approaches slowly & takes some cubes from bag.]
All right. All right. You can have them.
MR. ANTROBUS:
Thank you, Sabina.
SABINA:
Can I have . . . can I have one to go to the movies?
[MR. ANTROBUS, in silence, gives her one.]
Thank you.
MR. ANTROBUS:
Good night, Sabina.
SABINA:
Mr. Antrobus, don't mind what I say. I'm just an ordinary girl,
you know what I mean. But you're a very bright man, and of
course you invented the alphabet and the wheel, and, my God, a
lot of things . . . and if you've got any other plans, my God, don't
let me upset them. Only I've got to go to the movies. I mean my
nerves can't stand it. But if you have any ideas about improving
the crazy old world, I'm really with you. I really am. Because
it's . . . it's . . . Good night.
EXIT SABINA
[MR. ANTROBUS starts laughing softly with exhilaration.]
MR. ANTROBUS:
Now I remember what three things always went together when I
was able to see things most clearly: three things:
[He points to where SABINA has gone out.]
The voice of the people in their confusion and their need. And
the thought of you and the children and this house. And . . .
Maggie! I didn't dare ask you: my books! They haven't been lost,
have they?
MRS. ANTROBUS:
No. There are some of them right here. Kind of tattered.
MR. ANTROBUS:
Yes. —Remember, Maggie, we almost lost them once before?
And when we finally did collect a few torn copies they ran in
everyone's head like a fever. They as good as rebuilt the world.
[Pauses, book in hand, & looks up.]
Oh, I've never forgotten that living is struggle. I know that every
good and excellent thing in the world stands moment by moment
on the razor-edge of danger and must be fought for —whether
it's a field, or a home, or a country. All I ask is the chance to build
new worlds and God has always given us that. And has given
us . . .
[Opening book.]
. . . voices to guide us; and the memory of our mistakes to warn
us. Maggie, you and I will remember in peacetime all the resolves
that were so clear to us in the days of war.
[Standing by table, turning leaves of book.]
Sometimes out there in the war, — standing all night on watch —
I'd try and remember some of the words in these books. Parts of
them and phrases would come back to me. And after a while I
used to give names to the hours of the night.
[Sitting, hunting for a passage in book.]
Nine o'clock I used to call Spinoza. Where is it: "After experience
had taught me —"
ENTER SUBSTITUTE 2 w/numeral. MRS ANTROBUS sits by table,
sewing.]
SUBSTITUTE 2:
"After experience had taught me that the common occurrences of
daily life are vain and futile; and I saw that all the objects of my
desire and fear were in themselves nothing good nor bad save in
so far as the mind was affected by them; I at length determined to
search out whether there was something truly good and
communicable to man.”
EXIT SUBSTITUTE 2; ENTER SUBSTITUTE 1, immediately, carrying
large Roman numeral X.]
ENTER GLADYS at kitchen door, moves toward her mother's chair.]
SUBSTITUTE 1:
"Then tell me, O Critias, how will a man choose the ruler that
shall rule over him? Will he not choose a man who has first
established order in himself, knowing that any decision that has
its spring from anger or pride or vanity can be multiplied a
thousand fold in its effects upon the citizens?"
EXIT SUBSTITUTE 1 & ENTER SUBSTITUTE 2, as XI]
SUBSTITUTE 1
"This good estate of the mind possessing its object in energy we
call divine. This we mortals have occasionally and it is this
energy which is pleasantest and best. But God has it always. It is
wonderful in us; but in Him how much more wonderful."
ENTER SUBSTITUTE 2, as he starts to speak, HENRY appears at
the edge of scene, brooding and unreconciled, but present.]
ENTER HENRY
SUBSTITUTE 3:
"In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the earth; And
the Earth was waste and void; And the darkness was upon the
face of the deep, And the Lord said let there be light and there
was light."
[SUDDEN BLACKOUT & SILENCE, except for last strike of midnight bell.
EXIT ALL
ENTER SABINA
Suddenly lights go up, & SABINA as at opening of play.]
SABINA:
Oh, oh, oh! Six o'clock and the master’s not home yet. Pray God
nothing serious has happened to him.
But I’m not surprised. The whole world's at sixes and sevens, and
why the house hasn't fallen down about our ears long ago is a
miracle to me.
[She comes down to the apron’s edge.]
This is where you came in. We have to go on for ages and ages yet.
You go home.
The end of this play isn't written yet.
Mr. and Mrs. Antrobus! Their heads are full of plans and they're
as confident as the first day they began, —and they told me to tell
you: good night.
CURTAIN